Sunday, December 12, 2010

Disappearing Act

That's what I call it when a guy you meet and are getting to know just ceases to call or contact you anymore. I'm always confused as to why they do that? Do they think it makes them look cooler or kinder to just stop talking to the person? I don't know. Recently (as you few regular readers know), I'd put myself out there on eHarmony and have been enjoying the contacts and matches I've been making. It's hard since I am all the way over here in Turkey for me to meet the guys face to face, but it's been great to get to talk to different guys and get to know them a little. One in particular caught my eye and I did his (if what he said is true). We got to emailing and chatting and even spoke on the phone once (and if you know me, you know that the only person I love to talk with one the phone is my mother... I'm more of an email or face-to-face kind of person). Anyway, I thought things were going swimmingly. We had good conversations and I felt like I was getting a feel for who he was and vice versa... then last week he messaged me that his phone went tits up and he was sending it in for repairs. He also said he'd have it by Monday and we could resume our regular chats. I'm pretty easy going when it comes to that kind of stuff so I smiled and said that I hoped the phone came back quickly etc. And that was the last I'd heard from him. I left if for a few days of course because I'm generally not that fussed, but it's been more than a week with no contact from him. I've emailed him because I am worried that maybe he is sick or something bad happened, but still no response (and no, I didn't go boil the bunny stalker crazy... I think it was one or two messages total). So I don't know... I guess I just write him off? I feel like when he told me that we'd be back in touch last Monday and that he'd periodically check his email on his computer (he admitted that he didn't use it often), that that is what would happen. I really enjoyed our chats and conversation. He seems super nice and a lot like the kind of guy I need and want in my life, but I guess it doesn't go both ways anymore... or maybe he's found someone closer to him to date and discover a relationship with... fair enough, but please have the courtesy to tell me that. We'd just begun to get to know each other, feelings weren't strong enough or even developed enough to get hurt so... Anyway... just another speed bump in the road of dating and traveling towards a lifetime with someone. Best of luck to him and to me, right?! :)

Saturday, November 27, 2010


Sometimes a song can say it all... I'm not going through anything at the moment, just like my previous post says, but I think that Kelly Clarkson sometimes lives in my head. Her songs have been so perfect so many of the situations that I've been in. And that is saddening in the sense that my situations have not been unusual by any stretch of the imagination and also heartening to know that I'm not the first or last to have been through what I have been through.

I had never heard this song before: I don't hook up, but the title really attracted me. The video is tongue in cheek but it empowers me at the same time... anyway, putting it out there for you!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Mildly Content

I haven't posted much lately. I know I've dropped a few words here and there about different things, but I think that my writing and blogging on this blog often comes out of angst or some extreme moment. Currently I am lulled into a state of non-writing by the mild content in my life. There is no one here in Turkey that I am interested in dating and while that feels lonely, it doesn't feel as if I am alone. I am on eHarmony and have met some nice guys on there, but distance makes is difficult (although I find it's good because I am really getting to know them... okay, just the one really) and I am content in building a connection or letting it go if that's what God directs me to do. I am content socially with the new friendships I am building here and the connections I am getting to maintain with my friends and family all over the world. Yes, the mildly content feeling will blow away like the leaves from the tree, I am sure... everything has a season, doesn't it? But for now, I plan to enjoy this feeling and to continue working on who I am as a person, as a woman. Life is good, it's a gift and I am loving the gentle unwrapping of it right now, no rush, no fuss.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

The Worth of a Woman

The computer I am working on right now (mine crashed and burned... literally) doesn't let me edit pictures, or at least I can't figure it out. *sigh* So tilt your head to the left and then you will see the painting properly. This is something I've been working on for a while. It's the back of a nude woman and on her are the words and symbols for what women are. I asked some friends to offer up the positive words that they think of for women as well... some are in French, Korean, Chinese, Hebrew and Turkish too. Hopefully I didn't mess up the languages that don't use a traditional alphabet, I tried to be as true to the images that I found or was given as I could. There is more room on her for more words, so leave a comment if you want to add to it, especially if you are bringing another language to the mix (and please don't be mad if I have gotten some of them wrong, I am trying).
What I was trying to do with this painting was remind myself and those around me of the worth of a woman. Especially the women around me. It's so easy for us to get caught up with what the media says we should be like, it's easy to think that our worth is tied to our wealth or our physical appearance (yes, I put pretty and beautiful on there too because they aren't just external for me). I wanted to remind myself and others that our value is under the surface of our skin and not in our wallets but in our actions, thoughts, words and so on.
Anyway, I hung this in my entry-way to remind me before I leave every day that I am worth so much more than those physical attributes, and to remind me every time I come home that no matter what was said or what I saw or heard, that I am all those things and worth so much more than the media image of what I need to be. My self image is generally pretty good and confident, but sometimes it's a struggle to keep that up all the time. So this is my reminder.


Seems like a strange concept, even to people of my generation, but flirting and dating over the internet is where it's at these days. I know I've been open about how I've joined eHarmony to try and help myself find a little love in this life, but still feels a little strange to look at a computer screen instead of a man's face, and to touch the keyboard instead of his hand when I am trying to develop some kind of connection. But there you have it, it's the new wave of dating. Part of me likes it. It allows me to go a little slower, get to know the man better before I decide and he decides if this is something to pursue or not. But there is that frustration of the chemistry. It's important to know if you have chemistry and an emoticon or flirty text can only tell so much. So as I begin this search and as I make connections (just the one is all I really want or need), I hope to find out how e-flirting will work, or if it will, particularly because I live in Turkey and most of my matches are showing up as American or British. Only time and the Lord will tell...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Broken Heart Badges

"It's still two human beings trying to get along, so it's going to be complicated. And love is always complicated. But humans must try to love each other, darling. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something." — from Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love

My friend just put this quote up on her facebook wall and it got me to thinking... Did I wear my broken heart proudly when it happened? No... no, I didn't. I was so overwhelmed at being broken that I couldn't think of anything else. I couldn't think how thankful I was for having the opportunity to love. I couldn't think how thankful I was for the two years of love that I did have. I couldn't think of how proud I was for trying and for growing in that love. I couldn't think of how, even though my heart was broken at the moment, my heart would be stronger and better in the long run. So when I read this quote and used my 20/20 hindsight, I was able to do that. So thanks, friend, for posting the quote and I hope that if your heart is broken, you will learn to wear it with a little pride for the risks you took and the things you gain in the end.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Hearts Need Guarding?!

Lately I've felt a need to steep myself a little more in what the Bible has to say in general. It's been a long time since I've wanted to open it on a daily basis and read, so this is a good feeling. Every morning when I wake up, I turn on my nook and start reading. Right now I am reading from Proverbs and I am loving it. The wisdom and the understanding gained in there is amazing... why haven't I been steeping myself in it all along?! It's so practical! The other day I was in Proverbs 4:23 and the verse was about guarding your heart. It's not something we think about doing really? I mean, we think about being heart healthy all the time or speaking about our emotions because that's what you do feel better etc. But to guard the heart?! What does it mean? The verse doesn't tell you exactly what it means or how to go about doing it, but it tells you to do it because your heart is the well-spring of life (true in both the physical and emotional sense, isn't it?!) So here is my quandary: What does it mean to guard your heart exactly? How do you go about doing it? And is it possible to step to far into guarding it? I'm keen to know what you think, please leave a comment on here.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Coffee Grinds

Last weekend I went to a smaller city with my friend and teaching partner, Nilay. She was gracious enough to invite me into her home and family and social life for a weekend. It was lovely!! The place was at a little slower pace than Ankara and was a little more traditional (what I call "real" Turkey), the people were also lovely and generous almost to a fault. I had a great time and felt incredibly welcome.
While there I had my coffee grinds read. What?! I know... I know... seems odd. But it is an interesting tradition around Turkey that after you drink a turkish coffee you turn your cup upside-down into your saucer and after a time you allow someone who can to read or tell your fortune. One of Nilay's friends offered to do this for me and I agreed. It seemed like something fun and that it would be for a lark, so why not? Well, here is the general gist of what she told me:

She said that in my heart I try hard to follow and straight and narrow path and that it's good and I should always try to follow that path. She also said that I am a very emotional person (I know, understatement, right?!) that feels the pains and joys of others. She said that it is both a blessing and curse because I care deeply for people, I empathize easily and I take their pains for my own. But it's a curse because the hurt does become my own and I care too much for others and not enough for myself. She said that my tears fall often but at the same time, they fall just once. She clarified by saying that I take on the sadness of others and it makes me cry often but that once I cry, I release it. She said I need to learn to stop taking on the sadness and joys of others over my own because it's too much for me emotionally and physically. She said the sadnesses and injustices of the world can make me depressed and physically ill because I carry them with me too much. She also said that I am blessed because in the grand scheme of things I really do have few problems and I am blessed with most of the things I wish for. She said it is like I keep a tree of wishes or blessings in my life... I find a way to memorialize the good and the bad things that happen in my life whether I made them happen or they just happened on their own and that my blessings outweigh my personal pains. She also spoke of my friends coming to see me at Christmas time. She said that one of them coming is someone who smiles often and knows how to make me smile and feel lighter (hm.... interesting... I know who that is!!). She said to enjoy that time. She also spoke of a tall woman or man with long hair in my life who is always pondering things. (this I don't get). She spoke of a past love (where marriage was mentioned). She told me that the hurt will fade and that he really isn't a bad guy and that I wasn't stupid for being with him, but that it just wasn't meant to be. She spoke of something happening for me on the 12th or the 22nd, but that she wasn't sure if those would happen or were supposed to and would be canceled. She also spoke of my house, meaning my family at home, and that there was love and blessings there too.

The things that she said left me with a lump in my throat and goosebumps. I had never met this girl before and most of the things she spoke about my friend Nilay didn't know about. Perhaps I see the truth in it because I want to, or perhaps God used her to speak to my heart and put me back on track. Either way, it was interesting and I am grateful for it. It's helped me see that this time of giving back to myself and fortifying myself isn't really selfish or awful.... that I don't need to feel guilty about taking care of me first for a change. So next time you have a coffee, take a moment, think about your life and reflect... it's a good thing.

Thursday, October 28, 2010


Yup, that's what I would call what I've been doing for the past couple of weeks... even before I took the time out. And I don't think I am finished wrestling with myself just yet, I am not sure that I ever will be but here is some of the result of that wrestling:

1. I took some sage advice and cut all my exes out of my life, whether they were friends to me or not. I didn't do it to be mean or harsh or to hurt them... and really, there was only one I was really friends with. I did it for self preservation. I did it because I am not capable of just being buddies with someone I once had feelings for. So in order to move on, I had to drop them out of my life. I hope that it works for me. I just felt the need for a clean slate and no moving and shaking of my hopes anymore.

2. I've let myself get broken down and have a good cry. Sometimes I need that... it relieves the stress and lets me be clear headed again... it also allows me to see how foolish I am at times.

3. I've decided to give eHarmony one last try. I know, I know... I live in Turkey, blah, blah, blah. All I am saying is that it's a decent website and it lets me at least chat with guys who know what I am about and hopefully (if they didn't lie) that I know what they are about. It helps me to see if I can really follow the principles that I hold dear and if I can treat myself the way I deserve so that men will do the same. Maybe it's silly... but I need the practice! ;)

4. I've decided that the time for breaking down is over... breaking down leads to building up and I am ready for the building up. And so I'll start with this:

:) yea... that's right... I'm not JUST pretty... I'm beyond it!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Self-Imposed Time Out

I am taking a self-imposed time out from blogging and facebook so that I can really give this some thought. I feel like I am at a cross-roads and I need to give some focus to what is going on... I feel like it's time to decide what I am going to do with this single life. I am no happy being single (I try to be happy being me without thought towards being single and that's going okay) and yet I feel like it's going to be my continuous condition... so I am going to just stop, think, and then make a decision about what to do... Thanks to those of you who have read and encouraged... I do appreciate it and I hope that you have the patience to wait for my return... it may be a couple of days, weeks or months, I just don't know. I just know it is necessary at the moment.

Taking Stock and Advice

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what's happening in my single life. I've begun to wonder if the desire to get married is nothing more than a pipe dream. I've begun to question if it is the life for me. I know that I am full to the brim of love and that I desperately want to share that love and my life with someone... but maybe that's not enough or maybe it's just not meant for me. I've been questioning all of it, myself, my friends, my family, even my God. I'm not getting any real answers yet, but I am taking stock. I am sitting back and figuring out who is in my life and why they are there. I am so blessed with the friends that I have. They are supportive and kind and loving and FUN! But some of the people I count among my friends are exes... why? Why do I still have those people in my life? Should I just completely cut them out and move on? How do you do that? So as I am taking stock, I am seeking advice...

Friday, October 22, 2010

Pity Party Me

Yup, that's right... I've said it, I am aware, and I don't care... I.HAVE.PITY.PARTIES... sometimes. It's not a common or regular occurrence, but occasionally I sit back, look at all the others around me and get a little sad for myself. Recently I had a mini one (thank God Sophia was here to drag me out of my melancholy and silliness). What brings them on? Well, gang, believe it or not it's the happiness of my friends and family. Sure, I am happy for them. Couldn't be happier or wish that anyone else had that measure of happiness more than who has it. I genuinely rejoice when a friend gets married or meets a great someone else to consider for their lives. I grin on the inside and out when they are proposed to, or have a great date, or feel giddy at the first words of love from their partner. I really do... and generally, I do dive into the woe is me sentiment at all... but every once in a while I get sick and tired of reading all the goodness happening for other people (and it's nothing to do with the people themselves.. .it's to do with me and me alone). I sometimes wonder when I get to have a turn, when do I get to have that kiss that feels like lightning? When do I get to be giddy about a date or those fantastic three words that make your heart swell and your eyes brim over with joy? When do I get to feel the warmth of an embrace that is more than just physical? When do I get to look down at my ring finger and see the physical expression of someone's love and promise for me? When do I get to declare to the world that I am in love and choosing to spend my life loving that person? When do I get to hear that declaration in regards to me?
I know, I know... count the blessings I've got... and I do. I really and truly do see that I am blessed. I have an amazing, supportive family and friends. I get to work and travel at the same time. I have a God that truly loves me and cares for me. I have my health. I have a job that I LOVE. I am blessed... BUT (and there it is, the big but) I want to SHARE IT!!! *sigh* So there we go... that's what pity party me looks like. Not all that attractive, I know... whiny... but that's her. :)

Friday, October 15, 2010

Garbage In, Garbage Out

That's what my youth pastor used to say to me in high school. He was trying to get me to recognize that the trash I put into my brain is what ends up showing up in my life. Little did I realize how true that can be!!! But I have another take on it now as an adult and with a connection to the whole single life.... Garbage Out, Garbage In! If you put out garbage, that's what is going to be attracted to you. You know: someone who puts out the party only lifestyle, prefers to be negative in their talk and walk, judges others all the time, presents sarcasm and cynicism all the time... What kind of person would be attracted to that?! The same kind, that's who. And then the cycle of complaints and broken relationships just keeps going around and around. *sigh* How do I know? I think I used to be one of those people. Maybe not all of those components or at least not all at once, but definitely sometimes and some of them... and I think that's part of the reason that I struggled in past relationships. I 1. didn't value myself enough and 2. put out that kind of garbage, so the rats and flies were attracted to it.... it's not who I am or what I want in my life. So... instead of garbage in and garbage out, I am choosing light and love in, light and love out. :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

What Love Is...

I think it's so easy to see what love isn't. We see it all the time... people judging others for any arbitrary reason (yup, I am guilty of it too... don't get me wrong, I want to be better, but I don't always get it right)... people using words that aren't kind or uplifting... people using their strength to hurt and hinder rather than to help and restore. But I don't want this entry to focus on that. I want to focus on what love IS.

And I could look up dictionary definitions... and I did, but trust me, it was a LONG definition with examples etc. (hm... maybe that's what I am getting at... there are so many ways to love and to not love, so many possible definitions of what love is or isn't) and I wasn't sure you really wanted to read a post from when you could be reading my ramblings instead (so much more the fun!!). I could also look into the Bible for the definition of love (and I have done that too, and whether you are a believer or not, there are some wise words there) but I didn't want to do that either. I wanted to look at my observations of love and I wanted to share them with you. So here is the love that I have seen in my past relationships (oh yea, I forgot to mention that this would be primarily about romantic love, although loads of it could apply to other types of love too), in the relationships of family members, and the relationships of friends.

So long story short (too late), here is the list:


1. Wanting to make things better for the other person. When they are sick or down, you want to do little things to make them feel better. If they are unhappy in their job, you want to listen and then help them find their happy.

2. Not being concerned with the outer as much as the inner (not belly buttons... people). They looked great when you met them and maybe some things have changed a little, but the person on the inside is still the person you love... so you go back to #1 and try to help them find their happy and be themselves.

3. Preserves the core of who they are. You might ask them to do things for you, you might ask them to change how they communicate with you so that you can hear them better etc... but you keep their essence the same and you fight tooth and nail to help them keep the purest part of themselves from being destroyed in any way.

4. Helps them grow. The last person I truly loved, I loved for the man he was, the man he wasn't and the man he WAS GOING TO BE. So, I tried to help him see and achieve his dreams... I think love does that.

5. Communicates in the voice of the other. We all have tendencies to to say things a certain way, to hear things a certain way, to see things a certain way. It's part of our schema. It's part of our make up. But when we really love someone, we try to bend ourselves a little to communicate in their way, and we hope they do the same for us.

6. Meets the person where they are at. In love, people have needs. We all have ways of giving and receiving love and its IMPORTANT. Take time, figure out what matters to you and to your partner and then work on meeting your partner in the way they receive love and then help them meet you in the same way.

7. Forgives and even forgets sometimes. Sometimes the forgetting is worth more than the forgiving. Forgiving your partner of a wrong and then holding on to it in your memory can just create bitterness and distrust... it's not worth it. If you feel like you can forgive it, then forget it.

8. Trusts, but isn't blind. We can trust and have faith in those we love, but we don't have to be blind to their faults or deaf to those things being said.... we should be bold and ask though... that makes sense.

9. Honest. That's it... that's all there is to that. It is what it is... be honest, expect honesty, give honesty.

10. Passionate. And no, not just in the bedroom... love is passionate in and about all the other things in the list and most of all about the other person.

I've been giving this a lot of thought lately as I've tried to figure out what I want in my next relationship. I've thought about those in the past and allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to be completely honest with myself and see my own mistakes and to see the mistakes of the other person too. And I think I'm coming to a clearer understanding of what it is going to take for me to make it work.... and when they say "make it work" that is what they mean... it's WORK. And I accept that, own it and anticipate it!

Monday, October 4, 2010

The Midgets and Me

What is it about short men? While in Kapadokya this past weekend, I was hit on by 3 or 4 men (which does wonders for the ego, that's for sure) but each one was about 5 feet tall. I know, I know, this does not a midget make and I also know that midget is the wrong term... it's just what I termed them in my amusement. They were all nice guys and a couple of them were quite attractive, but I am not interested in dating a man whose face rests solidly in my breasts. I am sure that's why he is interested in dating me... but it just doesn't go both ways, boys. Hahaha Anyway, it made for a fun evening and a great memory of Flintstones Cave Bar in Goreme, Turkey. The bar was small but the drinks were priced fine and the music was good and the people were super fun and nice... so check it out if you go, but if you are tall... beware... the short men are coming for you!! ;)

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Mean Mugging

So in an attempt to meet some men to date or just to get to know (let's be honest, I need to invest a little more time into the getting to know you part for the dating part to be successful), I've joined a couple of websites. I am not obsessive about them or anything, I just like to look, maybe connect and chat with someone here and there. Really, it's hard to meet people these days and websites that facilitate it are just a nice way to go about it. So anyway, yesterday I was looking at one of the sites and some of the members (you know they send you matches etc). And I noticed something about some of the photos of some of the members... they looked MEAN! I mean, I am sure they thought they were giving some kind of sexy pose to the camera and thereby showing the single women of the world that they were hot stuff... but they just looked angry and mean! It actually had me laughing and looking to see how many mean muggers there were on the site... Ah... silly men... women aren't attracted to your tough, mean side... we like the smiles and the sweet side. Anyway... just thought it was a funny moment in this thing called singleness. ;)

Monday, September 27, 2010

Yup... That's What Its Like!

Yup... that's single life up there in that picture. Full of twists, turns, ups, downs, fasts and slows. Sure, married life can be like that too, all of life can if you think about it. But, today, I am thinking about single life and dating. Sure, it's fun and you have all this anticipation as you wait in line for your turn (when you are a kid, still waiting to be old enough to date etc). And then your turn comes and you feel a little nervous and excited as they strap you into the seat. It seems like it might be a long ride. You start rolling forward, going slowly uphill and it's all you can see, the goal is getting to the top and you are on your way... all excitement and thrills. Nothing negative about the ride so far, right? Of course not... all you can see is the ups, and the speed isn't incredibly fast yet... it's actually quite comfortable. And then you get to the top... oh, my... the top...or so you thought as you stare out and wonder if the tracks still remain below. It's like taking a leap off a high building and hoping you land safely... you start to plummet down and the speed increases and you begin to realize that you have no control over this ride and that it's making you feel just a little bit sick. And then it slows down and goes upwards again... this is the next dating relationship and you're filled with hope once again, the goal is clear, it's the top. You've forgotten the stomach in your mouth feeling of the last drop, and you are focused... this time will be different or better. And maybe it is, maybe being flung upside-down isn't as bad, but you don't let go of the bar... you're still white knuckling the cart of this crazy ride called single and dating. And the pattern repeats over and over. Sometimes it gets better and you think it's even kind of fun, you raise your arms and give over all control, vowing to just enjoy the ride... others you feel positively ill at the thought of another uphill climb and earth shattering, speed defying drop. And then the ride comes to it's final destination and stops. And while you vow that it was all good fun, you aren't sure you'd line up for it again, and that's okay because usually you aren't asked to.
So there you go... my latest musings on what it's like to be single and dating... hehe. I had fun writing this, I actually visualized the whole ride happening... lucky for you I couldn't figure out how to add the part about the sucker stuck next to you in the cart or behind you who just can't stomach the ride and yacks... don't worry, faithful readers... I'll work it out and add it... hahaha j/k

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Modern Day Dating

I know, we all tend to think that the game hasn't changed all that much... but hasn't it? I remember when lots of my friends (not all) and some of my family met their significant others. Some were met in bars or bar line-ups (usually the guy would take the initiative and start up and conversation... perhaps with a bad one-liner), some were met through friends or on a blind date set up by friends or family, some were met at university or church or some place where the two frequented and some were just met at some random social gathering. The thing is that they mostly started in a face-to-face interaction. This is not the case for the most part anymore. Sure... it happens, but not with the frequency that you might hope for or think.

We dating girls today have to be tech savvy. We have to know how to log onto websites, upload images (hopefully ones that present our best sides and look respectable), type quickly and flirt via text messages and instant chat. Sure, it's a sign of the times, look at our schools. Most classrooms have computers, most businesses do too. I guess dating is taking that route as well. But it changes the game for sure. Either party could be lying or making up some grandiose story in order to bait the other. Those pictures could be 15 years old... who knows?! It's risky to meet that person for the first time too. You've chatted, you've shared pictures so that you'll know what the other looks like... but then comes the moment of truth. Did that person tell the truth? Are they who they said they were? Are you stepping out on the town with a good guy or a straight psycho?! See... the game has changed. A little anyway... that guy in the bar could be a psycho too.

Anyway... dating girls... warm up your typing fingers and get in the game! As for you married or already in a relationship friends of us dating girls... just keep supporting us and laughing when the guy turns out to be not the guy in the picture (because even though we are mortified at first, we all know how to have a good laugh about it too).

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Too Independent?!

My friend just commented to me that a man she went on a date with used the phrase "too independent" to say why it wouldn't work between them. I've gotten that phrase a time or two in the past as well. Come on, guys, you can't think of anything better?! What is that supposed to mean anyway? On one hand men talk about how they love an independent woman... I mean look at all the songs put out recently about how sexy and important it is to have an independent woman.

This song is just one example of the message that's out there for women... you want us to be independent but when we are, you tell us it's too much. Come on, men... make up your minds!! hahaha

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Greatest Support System, EVER!!

I think that everyone needs a support system. Think about it, most countries have one (think government, infrastructure, citizens), most businesses do (stocks, money coming in, going out, workers etc) and people have it too (family, friends etc). But the one that I am thinking of is the support system for single women and men... more so the ladies (sorry guys, but I really have no clue what it's like to be a single dude... dudette, I got... dude, no).

Today I was having important hang out time with one of my single friends and we began to talk about all kinds of things. We talked about school, higher learning, books we've read, memories from our university days, men we've dated, goals we have and the list could go on for pages and pages. I love days and people like her. She sets my mind to thinking and my fingers to typing... it's good.

Anyway, much after our chat I began to think of the importance of support systems in my life. As a 35 (yes, spinster or old maid in the eyes of some but not mine!!) year old single woman, I began to wonder what were the support systems in my chronically single walk (yes, it feels like a disease sometimes... I don't think it's contagious though... but if it is, whoever gave it to me is going to get it!!!). Sure, sure, there are the obvious ones of family and friends (and I am ever grateful for that) but beyond that, what do I lean on to help me get through days of loneliness etc?

Well, here is what I have. I'd be interested to know what your (men, women, single or involved) support systems are too.

1. I am a woman of faith, so that's my number one support system: God. I spend a lot of time praying and talking to him, trying to discern what direction to go and where to retreat.

2. My single friends... don't be distressed married friends... some of you are soul sistas/brothas and I couldn't do without you either... but whether you are newly married or married for years, you don't know what it is to be single today, at 35. So it's good to lean on others who share my experiences. I need them so that I don't feel like a complete failure in my romantic life. They help me to see that being single isn't the end of things... married people, you don't make me feel like it's the end, but sometimes it's hard to see your happiness and not long for my own. So, a balance of singles and marrieds is what works best for me.

3. My parents... I'm VERY close with my parents. My father is a hero to me... I love the way he loves my mom and I love the way he is so giving and kind, not to mention manly, strong, sensitive, funny, responsible and SMART!! My mom is beyond a heroine to me... she has a strength that I will never know and I am grateful for her and her wisdom daily (it's her birthday in a couple of days... HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!!!). They show me what relationships take to work... lots of love, patience and the willingness to choose each other daily.

4. My kindred spirits.... these are women who know my heart without me having to say words. When they are in pain, I cry with them and they do the same for me. We are closer than sisters... they push me to be better, ask me questions that force me to think beyond the here and now and they always want the best for me (LG, ST, SA-M, SJ, KH, DO and NG... you are my GIRLS).

5. Books... sounds weird, right? But sometimes the best way to feel better for me is in printed word. I had someone ask me if I really needed to read books on relationships to know how to handle them (what do you think: 35, all failed relationships? Hm.... maybe I need some help and advice!! haha). I do... I learn best through reading and visual representations... so reading books on relationships, on the psychology of things etc help me feel supported, smarter and stronger.

So there you have it... those are my support system... what's yours?

Sunday, September 5, 2010


So I finally got a response... in it all he had to say was that I was living in Turkey, too far away... and that was it. So that further lets me know the lack of respect he had for me and the relationship we had. I won't lie, it hurts... but you know what?! I finally have closure and an answer and I let him know that. I know that I've attracted these kinds of men because I was so lonely, so sad and, let's just say it, so desperate for love that I was willing to lower my standards and take what I could get. I won't lie, I did feel a genuine connection to Will, but perhaps I was the only one feeling connected... whatever. It's all done with and now I know that I am woman worthy of more. I've passed the test, I've stood strong and I've made a step forward in my journey.

Saturday, September 4, 2010


So after my post about Steve Harvey's book and my confusion post, I sat and thought about what was going on with Will and the whole confusion aspect. I wrote to a very good friend of mine about it to see what she had to say and she just validated the confusion that I was feeling and inspired me to be the woman that I want to be. I sent him a message detailing my expectations and feelings about the whole thing. I don't have any response from him yet but that's on him, not me. I feel like for the first time, I am displaying the standards that I know are true to what I deserve.

What are those standards? Let me tell you:

I expect a man to profess his love and intentions for me in words and actions. One cannot be enough, I expect both.

I expect a man to provide for me physically, emotionally and, above all, spiritually.

I expect a man to protect me in those same realms.

I expect his honesty, his honour and his respect in dealing with me at all times.

I don't think that these things are too much. In fact, I know that they aren't because if he is a man of his word and of the WORD, he will easily be able to do these things for the woman he loves and intends to spend his life with.

I was tested by what Will sent me and I sent the above message right back at him! I want him to know that I am a woman of standards and that if he is unable to meet those, then we best stay friends only.

I'll update you on how it goes... *sigh* Keep me in your prayers that I am able to stay by my standards as I've been known to weaken before.

Confusion is Nothing New

These words belong to Cyndi Lauper's song Time After Time, but right now they ring through my head over and over. I made the post I did last night and felt empowered as a woman and ready to look for the last guy... for HIM. And then the one before now and I were chatting (we've managed to be "friends" I guess... although now I'm not sure what's going on) and things were said that left me in a state of confusion... and this song came to mind because it's what I feel. Thank you, Lord, for the protection of distance... I'm afraid I would make some poor choices if I didn't have that on my side at least.

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
and think of you
caught up in circles confusion--
is nothing new
Flashback--warm nights--
almost left behind
suitcases of memories,
time after--

sometimes you picture me--
I'm walking too far ahead
you're calling to me, I can't hear
what you've said--
Then you say--go slow--
I fall behind--
the second hand unwinds

if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time

after my picture fades and darkness has
turned to gray
watching through windows--you're wondering
if I'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time--

if you're lost...

you said go slow--
I fall behind
the second hand unwinds--

if you're lost...
...time after time
time after time
time after time
time after time

Friday, September 3, 2010


I know that's not how you spell it... give me some credit. hehehe I spell education that way sometimes to illustrate how little of it I have from time to time. I am especially uneducated in the ways of relationships (hence the chronically single status of my life hahaha) but I'm trying. I've made more errors in judgment and choice than I care to talk about (but, isn't this blog about being honest?!?!), but then who hasn't?! Life is often learned best by trying to live it and then learning from the mistakes that you make. And while that's a good method for somethings or for many things for some of the time... sometimes, it gets old. And it's getting old, my friends, in the area of relationship development. Many of my friends have recommended books over the years and I tend to read them... many of them are fantastic and were wonderfully applicable in my early 20s when the world was a little sunnier and hopeful in this area. However, now that I am in my mid-30s and nearing the age of the spinster, I find that I need something a little more realistic, a little more honest, a WHOLE lot more applicable to this reality that I am living in. I don't want a book to tell me that the sun will come out tomorrow (and, yes, Annie fans, I am humming the tune now that I've written those words), or that the man of my dreams is just a thought away, or that there are multitudes of fish in the sea, or that I've never made a mistake, all the men have... I want a book or a person that will sit down with me in brutal honesty and tell it like it is. And I think I've found that book:

In this book, comedian Steve Harvey lays it all out. He tells us women where we've made mistakes (and I agree with all of them... I've made them for sure!!), he tells us the basics of the man's game plan and what they really need, and he empowers us to make better choices. I love it. If you are single... read it. If you are in a new relationship, read it. If you are in a long term relationship, read it. If you are married... READ IT! It's the kind of edumacation that we all need in order to better understand our partners' needs and wants. I know it's opened my eyes and given me the empowerment that I needed to make better choices in my future (my biggest issue after my break up with Kelvin and my subsequent whatever it was with Will is that I wasn't able to trust my choices and decisions... now I can. Steve Harvey has given me steps, questions, ideas and a game plan that help me heal that part of my soul).

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

You vs Me

Last night as I was struggling with the crippling heat that would bring no sleep my mind began to form words and make thoughts become sentences. I don't know if this is directed to any one person, but I suspect it is... it came from deep in my mind and it doesn't leave me upset or hurting or anything, just like thoughts that would sit still no longer and so this is how they came:

You vs Me

My eyes are open
to see you.
Yours are shut.

My ears are open
to hear you.
Yours are closed.

My mouth is open
to share with you.
Yours is still.

My arms are open
to embrace you.
Yours hang down.

My heart is open
to love you.
Yours is not.

I haven't sorted this all out yet. The meaning may seem obvious... and I have my suspicions as to where it stems from.... but I know it isn't from all the gunk that I went through with Kelvin... those thoughts would be titled "At Arms Length" if I were to write them in a poem... Anyway, I wanted to share them...

Friday, August 27, 2010

35 + 2

No, no, no... I didn't suddenly jump to being 37 years old. The title comes from the fact that I am gaining perspective (2 days into the whole 35 thing). I don't feel older, I don't look older and being older doesn't freak me out. I guess I just had something else in mind for being 35.

Have you ever thought back to when you were a kid and what you thought you'd do with your life? I do that all the time (yes, I know it's a bit neurotic, but that me... well, with a dose of OCD and stupidity added in it's me!!). I have a very clear memory of being 5 years old and riding the school bus to my Kindergarten class. I remember it was chilly out because I fogged up the window and was doodling. I remember humming softly to myself (I was convinced that I was going to be a singer at that age and we see how well that prediction worked out! hahaha) and thinking about my future. Like most kids, I thought that 20 was old but I also thought I'd probably get married around 25. I thought it'd be later than most people but that I'd be happier if I could live a little more and really get that singing career going before I got married.

I remember turning 25 and laughing at myself. I had no boyfriend or prospects and I just wasn't ready. I remember at 25 thinking that the word marriage and commitment scared the crap outta me! I remember thinking that surely by 30 I'd be ready and HE'd come along.

Then I hit 30 and I wasn't ready for marriage, but I was actively seeking out love and relationships (we know how that usually turns out: Eager Girl + Any Guy = DISASTER for both). But I didn't feel pressured to be married, just pressured to be on a path towards a future of some kind.

Now that I'm 35, I realize that I thought I'd be married by now. Especially after all the marriage discussions that Kelvin and I had... especially after he'd proposed (not a lot of people know about that... it wasn't a formal proposal, he'd asked me tearfully if I would marry him, that he wasn't formally proposing but that he knew I was his forever and he just needed to know that the answer would be yes for when he did get on one knee and ask... and it went downhill from there). I'm finally at a place where not only am I ready for love, I am ready for commitment and I thought those things would be in play by now... Guess my timing isn't always the right timing... Still waiting... but from now on, I'm putting those kiddish thoughts behind me... no age is the right age, it's going to happen when I'm right and HE's right... (HE means the one that I will choose that will choose me right back).

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


Yup, that's right... I am 35 today... the big 3-5. Actually, it's not that big of a deal to me. I absolutely LOVED turning 30 and 35 seems a non-issue except that I am in the middle of my 30s and I don't have all that much to show for it on the personal front... Although, I do have a masters degree, a great job and more travel/life experience than the average joe. I wonder why success in those arenas of life amounts to a hill of beans if your personal life isn't successful? Is it because you have no one to share the successes with? I don't know, I have some of the best friends and family in the business of being friends and family... so it can't be that. They are incredible at sharing my life victories and shouldering my life failures with me... So what is it? Why at 35 do I feel like less of an adult and more of a failure than I did in my 20s even though I have more worldly successes under my belt?

Monday, August 23, 2010

Fighting Me

It's been a while since I've sat down and contemplated my struggle with relationships. During my struggles, I felt like I was alone and the only one. It was only through the therapy of writing this blog that I've seen how many other women in their thirties and beyond struggle like I do. I've been blessed to know that I am not alone. I've had the opportunity to talk with some of these women online, in my comments section, on the phone or in person. It's helped to heal my soul and I hope that this blog can do that for them as well. Today, a VERY good friend of mine began to tell me of her recent relationship struggle and my heart literally began to hurt for her. She and I are a lot alike when it comes to relationships and our shortcomings in them. I began to think about it and looked back through some poems that I wrote and one of them struck me. I am not a good writer by any means, but sometimes the words come how they do and I feel compelled to write them down. Anyway, this poem seems to sum up what happens to me in the world of romance and sometimes to my friend too. It's dedicated to her:

Fighting Me

Shadow-boxing in my heart,
Fighting unseen foes.
Deciding who is right or wrong,
Not realizing it is neither.
Searching for a way
Out of the ring.
Wanting to jump the ropes,
But getting tangled instead.
Turning back to the fight
Covered in the sweat of fear.
Flailing at the air
Fighting only myself.

<3 you LG. Hope we can both stop fighting ourselves and allow things to happen the way that they should.

Friday, August 20, 2010


So, as many of you know, I've had a lot of ups and downs in my dating life lately. I've been using this blog as a way to journal about them, talk about what's going on in my life, reflect on who I am becoming and seek advice from readers (even from strangers... zabe gives good solid advice and encouragement and I don't even know her!!). Lately, I've been so busy adjusting to my new life in Ankara, I just haven't had much time to think about romance etc. Nor have I wanted to. I've been so happy just living my life, laughing out loud often and learning about this place, the people and the language that dwelling on romance has taken a back seat. I never really thought about it until today when I was looking at Will's FB page. I love that we are reconnected as friends and that I can look to his page to find his sage words about God and following the good example set by Jesus. I love seeing his passion for life in general. What I noticed today is that I just felt happy looking at his updates. Previously I had felt a sense of loss because of a failed romance. But today, I just felt happy, happy for him and happy for knowing him as a person. I don't know if it means I am over him or if it means that we will never be or what... but I do know that it felt like a revelation. Gone was the sadness and sense of loss, gone was the longing to be with him. It was replaced with just the simple feeling of happiness and a lot can be said for that feeling. As for my other exes, no, they don't even enter my mind at all... which I feel is a blessing. Seems like Ankara was a good move for me, it's given me the space I so desperately needed to get my head on straight again and to work on being the person I was meant to be all along... a happy, confident, caring soul that shines a bright light onto the world.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Now that I am back in the international scene I'm happier than I ever was in the US. I don't feel like a social dunce for being single at nearly 35 here. Lots of people are my age, just younger, older and so on and are single. International teachers and workers just seem less stressed about timelines for romance than people who are settled in North America. Do I still want to get married some day, for sure!! I absolutely do, but here I don't feel rushed. I feel like my life is meant to be enjoyed and in service to others... and that's a good place to be.

Friday, August 13, 2010

More of Me

Part of knowing yourself is knowing who you come from... I've been taking time to research and find out about that using and I've also been looking at the family that surrounds me. I am so proud of who and where I come from.

My parents are these amazing, strong, kind and good people. They've taught me to stand up for who I am, to laugh at myself from time to time and to strive for the things that I want because I am worth it. They've given me support and love and made me so grateful for who they are. My mother is literally my hero in so many ways. This woman has been through pain that I cannot understand (nor would I want to) and has always emerged stronger, better and more determined. She has a good ear for my issues and has a better mind for sound advice. When I grow up, I hope I can be a little like her (I know, at 34 I should be a grown-up right? So why is it that I still feel like a kid in so many ways?). My dad is my daddy... he is the person that reminds me that I matter. He lets me know that I am the only one just like me and that I am worth taking care of. One day I hope to find a man with the strength of character and positive nature of my father, and when I do, I hope I marry that man.

My extended family... well, let's just saw they are incredible!! They make me laugh more than anyone, they challenge me to think and be better and they support me through good times and bad.

Yes... I am proud of who and where I come from and I know that they are part of what makes me who I am. Learning to be more centered in that will hopefully lead me in the direction of the one person who will love that and me for the lifetime that God has set before me. That's my prayer and my home.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Wisdom from the Magazine Pages

I saw this in a magazine spread with Penelope Cruz... it's her quote and I like it. I think I've spent too much time looking at myself from other people's point of view and only two matter... my own and my God's. Bliss is knowing this!

Knowing Me...

Knowing You... ah ha... (sorry, I just had to go there. I heart ABBA).

Actually, today I was talking to a guy I went out with a little bit and then ended up being better as friends with (I know... never end a sentence like that, but I'm at a loss how to end it, so deal). We were talking about what was new in our lives and all that jazz and as I told him about my single life, I began to realize that I'm happy. I am very happy knowing who I am. I've struggled so much in my past and I've tried so hard to be who the men I've dated wanted me to be that I lost myself along the way. This isn't a new revelation, but it never ceases to amaze me how great it is to come back into my own.

Who am I you ask? Well... I am a tall (5'10"), curvy, pretty (I have good skin... can't help but be pretty with good skin, right?!), funny, smart, overly nosy, caring, loving, God fearing and adoring, analytical (sometimes a little too analytical) woman who believes in her God and herself. I know that good things are coming my way, I know that blessing are made for me already, I know that love is out there for me and that happiness is there too. I don't have to wonder about those things. I also know that dark days will be ahead too and that a testing of my faith and emotional strength is on the horizon... but I'm not afraid (after Kelvin I was terrified to let myself love again or to be vulnerable to love... I couldn't risk being hurt again), I know I can survive the hurt.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that and that I am liking getting to know me!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Trees Tell It All

Have you ever really and truly looked at a tree and it's roots? The other day I was helping out my parents with some of their gardening. My mom is all of 5'3" tall and she doesn't like any of her trees to be too much taller than her. This always gets a giggle out of me, but once I helped her trim all the tall and wacky branches off and once I took off all the dead branches and leaves I understood why. The tree looked healthy and pretty. It looked neat and in control, and the whole yard seemed to look better. After I was done, I began to think about trees as a symbol for people... I began to see that we are so alike. We are rooted just as they are, but the soil that roots us is our family, friends and experiences. We grow, just as they do, up and sometimes out if we aren't careful. We need sunlight, food, air and water just as they do (although they do make their own food). And when conditions are right, we blossom and bloom just as they do (we can even do it yearly or more than once a year, aren't we lucky?!).

Then I began to think of which tree would best represent me... and I thought of the bonsai. Sure, I am 5'10" tall, so I am not like the tiny tree in that respect but in so many others I am. I am not rooted deeply in a large ground of soil... I am in a pot that can easily be transported... this is like my life because I work internationally and never stay anywhere too long. My life is portable, but my soil is RICH in nutrients so that I grow appropriately. This represents my family and friends, while I am not surrounded by the whole woods, I am surrounded by the richest of experiences and the most supportive and loving of family and friends. My roots are tightly wound in wire so that they don't get out of control, they are gnarled around each other and this is like me too... I am held tight by those I love so that I can know the bounds of that love and I appreciate it so deeply. Like the bonsai, I grow but I grow mostly because my gardener allows it. I deeply believe in the hand of God on my life, He is my gardener. And like the human who cares for the bonsai, he takes extra special care with me. I need just the right amount of light to keep me strong but to stop me from burning. I need just the right amount of water to help me stay well but to keep me from drowning. I need to be pruned often so that I don't get out of control... and when I look at my experiences and past relationships and their failures, I know that it was a time of pruning and nourishing. The tree tells it all.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


The other day I was enjoying my life and thinking about how blessed I am in reality (which can be very different from how I can view things depending on my mood). I was reflecting on how much I love my family, my friends, my hometown area and my country. I was thinking about how I've been through some pretty low lows and how I've still managed to feel like God holds me in His hands (even though during those low lows I had serious doubts). As I was reflecting and feeling rather contented, I began to realize that I have made some mistakes. The man I was sort of, kind of seeing before I left the US was a REALLY good guy... I saw so much of a future with him but my eyes were also so scared from my past relationship with Kelvin. I projected a lot of that hurt onto things that Will did or didn't do and I began to see how unfair that was. Sure, Will wasn't perfect and he made errors too, but I finally began to realize the mistakes I made. And even though I am an emotional, passionate person who wears her heart on her sleeve... and even though I like to think that I do no wrong (hahahahHAHAHahahaha yea right!!)... and even though I wanted so bad for Will to 'fess up to his errors and verbalize things to me first, I contacted him first. I let him know how grateful I was to know him and even (hopefully) count him among my friends and how sorry I was for my part... and you know what? If felt good... it felt like a release. Even more so because it opened a good dialogue between us as friends... I'm grateful for that too.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


I was looking at someone's facebook page and they mentioned something about dating preferences. I've been asked about this often but never written about it here. I've never dated anyone within my own race, and it's not about the race for me, it's just about what I like. It's not that I don't like "white" guys, it's just I haven't felt connected to many white guys the way I have men of other cultures and ethnic backgrounds. Since I often live overseas and am the minority where I am, it's never seemed like an issue to date outside my race. I never even noticed it until I moved to the US 2 years ago. As those of you who have been reading this blog from the start know, I moved to the US at the request of my ex-boyfriend who is African American. We had met in Korea (where I dated Asians, Latinos and African Americans before) and then came to the US. He warned me that it might not be comfortable to have an interracial relationship in the US. I didn't really believe him because I thought that we are in a new millennium and surely people had better things to worry about that two people from different races who were in love... but he was right. I often got stared down by women of his race and some of mine... There were comments under the breath and whispers behind the back. I ignored it because their issue isn't mine, but lately I've begun to wonder why it's such an issue for some. Some of my African American friends tried to explain it as a white woman was taking a "good" black man from their own kind... I don't know how I feel about that. To me, men are men and I am not trying to take anyone from anybody. I date who I feel attracted to and connected to, regardless of their race or ethnic background. Sure, I haven't really dated any men in my own race, but if I met one that I connected to and felt attracted to, I would... *sigh* Why can't we all just get along and respect that people like who they like and don't have ulterior motives of stealing something good from another group of people?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


I put that as the title because that's where I'm at right now in my single walk. I'm getting to a point where I don't mind being single, where I am beginning to focus on me. Most (no wait, ALL) of my past relationships have been 100% focused on the person that I was with. My first boyfriend (Salim) was generous and kind to me, but knew that I would put myself behind for him. The nameless faces that I dated after him were similar. They saw in me a woman who would give, give, give, so they took, took, took. Sure, they paid for a drink here or a dinner there, but that's not giving... Then came Kelvin, who I thought was giving too... sure, he gave clothes and things but his heart wasn't part of the deal... I gave mine and he took it, took my time, my patience, and my self confidence... but I can't blame him completely because I openly gave it all to him. Then as I began to recover, I met Will and I felt so connected to him... more connected than I've ever felt and so I gave of myself to him and he took and then didn't. He never gave of himself and after a while shut out my giving as well. I don't know what happened there, but it did and now I find myself trying to focus on myself and giving to myself. I know... hurrah!! yah me!!! But here is the monkey wrench in it all. I had been talking to someone before and then lost touch and now that person is trying to be back in my life in a major, romantic way. And while I think he is a nice guy and I am somewhat interested, I just feel a little burned by my choices in the past and I want to go slower (never mind that I am moving to another continent!!!!) in my future. I also just think timing is completely off right now... I've expressed this to him in VERY PLAIN language, but he is determined to stick around.... *sigh* what to do? And so I am left with this... hm..... and that's where I am... hm...

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


Hi there folks. I don't know if you have noticed, but I have a new little feature at the bottom of my page. It's called a Feedjit. It tells me where my readers are and what entries they have read. I love this feature and find it so interesting to see where people are who are reading my thoughts. On one of my other blogs, I saw that someone went VERY far back into my archives and I began to wonder why and what they thought...

I welcome all manner of readers, whatever their motivation... and I LOVE to see people from all over the place reading my blog entries. I write for a two-fold reason: 1) to journal my experiences and give myself a little therapy while doing it and 2)in the hopes that someone reading will learn something or be able to apply solutions from my mistakes/experiences to their own lives. Oh... I do it because it's fun. But I'd love to know who is reading my blog and what they think!! Please feel free to leave comments and to visit my other blogs:

Teaching Here, There and Everywhere:

Cook It Up!:

Sunday, July 4, 2010

My Inner Bitter Betty

I don't know if you have one (I am almost positive that most people do... with the exception of some of my good friends who seem to radiate sunshine - I love them!!), but I do and she LOVES to come out from time to time. I call her Bitter Betty - she is the one who loves to gripe about every little thing that goes wrong. She is the one who clings to the hard feelings against the ex. She is the one who works in tandem with Negative Nelly (who is all but gone from my life these days, so HA Bitter Betty... your playmate knew when to go!!). Bitter Betty doesn't come out often, but when I look at my finances and realize how much I am still paying for my past relationship with Kelvin, she rears her ugly head (and trust me, she is like Medusa... a pure beast that could turn onlookers into stone). Today Bitter Betty made a visit while I was going over some of my finances for the summer and realizing how little I got paid at my last job and how little I'll be getting at the new one. I am trying to figure out a way to fast track the debt payoff so that I am free of the hassle and Bitter Betty's visits. That can be hard when she is making her appearance. I know I am generally a happy person, but Bitter Betty can be a powerful part of my personality, one I don't like. Negative Nelly is pretty much out of the picture because I chose gratitude over attitude most of the time and I like that. Now, what can the choice be to kick Bitter Betty to the curb with her negative little friend?

Monday, June 28, 2010


So this song has been on the radio for a while and I like it a lot. I like what it has to say about wanting that person even though you promised yourself you were walking away. I know that feeling well. However, I don't always get to enjoy the end result that is shown in the video...

But the line that resonates most with me is the line "I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." And as much as I dislike hurting, I know that if I feel something, I am truly alive. I am also willing to risk the hurt for the chance to find real love.

This is my first time trying to add a video link... hope it works!! :)

Saturday, June 26, 2010


... is the best policy, no? Isn't that what we were taught all our lives? Isn't it a cornerstone of society? And yet, why do some have such a hard time following it?
I was just talking with a good friend and we were sharing our love stories of late and the overwhelming underlying theme is honesty (or lack of it) and communication (or the lack of it). Why is it so hard for a man to admit that he needs time or that he sees a relationship as nothing more than casual or that he doesn't care as much as he knows you want him to or that he's scared of the situation he is in?!
I understand that women are much better at communicating. I understand that we feel the need to express our emotions when most men don't. I understand that, but I still don't "get" it all. We were talking about how women are capable of dealing with a lot, but not knowing creates a craziness in us. And that it's cruel when a man that you are involved with won't let you know what's going on... no matter the situation. *sigh*

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


So today was the final day in W-burg before my parents arrive and I have to pack everything up and move. It was the last chance to see that guy I was sorta-kinda-I-don't-know seeing and I called him and then he called back. It was nice to hear his voice but it was so awkward, it was cold. When I told him that it sucks to tell him good bye over the phone instead of in person and then I told him that the saddest part, the shittiest part is that I never got to know where he was at. His response what that it wasn't going to change anything now, so why bother. I told him it might not change me leaving but that it would help me, give me peace of mind. Even if it turned out that all he saw was a more casual dating situation, at least I'd know. His response? "You have peace of mind, you are leaving." I told him I was leaving because I had NO peace of mind and that I deserve it... don't I deserve to just know?! He got too uncomfortable and hung up... It hurt, more than I expected it to. So I wrote him a quick email, apologising for making him uncomfortable and for severing all contact, but I just can't. I don't want to be his friend only... it's not enough for me. I have lots and lots of wonderful, godly friends... what I am seeking is a wonderful and godly man to share my life with.... Am I wrong?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


So lately, and maybe I am being overly sensitive but I don't think so, I've been called Mrs. a lot. It happens lots of times with the students or the parents of students, but I kind of expect that. First of all, 90% of kids think that women over 18 are old and therefore must be married. I don't know how they equate old with being married, but it seems to be the case for the most part. So that's been happening to me since I was a student teacher and I am over that and trying to tell them that Mrs. C is my mom and I am just Miss C. As for the parents, somewhere along the line, it's gotten in to the heads of most adults that female teachers are married. Most of them realize their mistake right after the Mrs. is out of their mouth and I always laugh and let it go. In the school setting it doesn't really bother me that much. Other teachers and several principals have dropped the Mrs. in front of my name as well. Never seemed to make me notice all that much.

However, lately, it's been happening everywhere I go. When I hand over a credit card the server returns it with a "Here you are Mrs. C" and I am often too shocked to respond. Then the banker who was helping me close my account (where it clearly states that I am single on the information sheet) called me a Mrs. C the other day. I, again, was too shocked to respond. And then today as I was picking up my vehicle from having its oil changed the girl behind the counter said "Mrs. C, your car is ready." I was shocked, but I did respond... I said, "Not a Mrs. yet, still haven't found the Mr. special enough to make that happen. hahaha It's just Miss." I think I shocked her. At first she did a double take of my face (I did look a little ragged this morning having just begun the true recovery from the flu) as if to assure herself that I was really as old as I am. Then she smiled and said, no rush dear. hahahaha

I guess I am at the age now, where it's more expected and assumed that I MUST be married. Well, guess what world?! SURPRISE!! Not all 30-somethings are married yet. Some of us are still holding out for the best there is, or the best there is for us just hasn't stepped in our paths yet. And initially we don't feel like there is such a rush except that the rest of the world seems to want to rush us into that space of feeling rushed with all the Mrs. this and Mrs. that, or the odd looks when they put together the age and the single status. *sigh* Dear society, LAY OFF!! Let's let God do His work and stop making people fuss about it all... it would be a lot easier on the single people of the world and you might have a few less frazzled single women if they didn't feel the societal pressure to hurry-up-and-no-pressure-how-old-are-you-anyway-get-married already!!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Knowing When...

So, sometimes the hardest thing in a relationship is knowing when to let go. And that goes for all relationships: friendships, acquaintances, family relationships and dating relationships. It also happens to be a real weakness in me. I never seem to know when to let go. It's like a double-edged sword in a way. I am a giver in a relationship of just about any kind, I give and give and give. And it's not that I expect things in return necessarily, but I don't know how to let go once I've invested so much of myself mentally, physically, emotionally, financially or whatever the case may be, so eventually I get hurt. So, while I don't regret being a giver, I just wish I was better able to read the signs of when to let go of the relationship. Either that or I knew better which relationships to invest myself so fully into. Like I've said in past posts, I don't know how to love a little at a time or halfway, so I invest all of myself into every relationship I am in and then I get hurt. Perhaps it's just too intense for most people, and I get that, but I don't know how else to be. So, today, my prayer in being single is to have more wisdom and discernment in which relationships to get involved in and which ones to let go of.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Bath Time Breakdowns

No, no, no... it's not what you are thinking. I did not have another emotional, self-pitying, woe-is-me-single-girl breakdown. When I take a bath, I usually read something that will challenge my mind. I do this because the bath is like my sensory deprivation chamber. I fill the tub up past the little safety drain so that I am laying there in a warm bubble of floaty safeness. And then I can relax and be completely open to whatever the book has to offer me. Right now my bath time book is He Still Moves Stones, by Max Lucado. Lucado is my favourite Christian author because he doesn't mince words, he just tells it like it is. He makes Jesus the guy you know instead of the guy in the Bible from so long ago.
Anyway, today I was reading the chapter called: Read the Story: When Others Let You Down. I know, sounds right up my self-pitying alley. hahaha But it was centered around Luke 24:13-35, the story of the two disciples who are walking towards Emmaus. They are so full of heartbreak, sorrow and disappointment that they don't even notice that Jesus is walking next to them. As I read Mr. Lucado's take on it, my eyes were opened wide to my own heart. I want to quote a small passage that literally turned me into a bath time blubberer:
As they walk, a stranger comes up behind them. It is Jesus, but they don't recognize him. Disappointment will do that for you. It will blind you to the very presence of God. Discouragement turns our eyes inward. God could be walking next to us, but despair clouds our vision.
Despair does something else. Not only does it cloud our vision, it hardens our hearts. We get cynical. We get calloused. And when good news comes, we don't want to accept it for fear of being disappointed again.

And for those of you who truly know me and even those of you don't but have been following me on this blog, this is me. I've let the disappointment cloud my vision for who God is and where His blessings are in my life. I don't want to see the blessings, because the last blessing I put so much hope in turned out not to be a blessing. My despair at the loss of that truly made me turn my eyes inward and become cynical and calloused. But thankfully, God is good to me and has walked beside me, patiently waiting for me to see Him.

Tonight I saw Him and recognized my clouded vision. I hope that I don't miss the blessings in my life and I hope I can swallow that disappointment (or at least let it go) so that I don't fear the blessings and good news that is to come in my life. I say this because I am a little afraid that I might have done so already. I've met the most wonderful of men (not counting his communication issues...hehe) and yet, I am running away to Turkey. Is it because I was too afraid that this blessing would also be taken from me? Is it because I am afraid to fail? Is it because it's not the blessing God has set aside for me? I suppose time will tell, but I do know that my heart is truly open now. I am so ready to be blessed by God so that I can bless others fully and completely... no more cynical heart, no more hard heart, no more self-pity and doubt.

Thursday, June 10, 2010


... is deafening. Have you ever noticed that sometimes, particularly in relationships, silence is the loudest sound? It carries with it all the things you don't want to hear. It carries with it all your fears. It leaves you to the worry and the worst that your brain and heart can devise. I always hate when people say that no news (silence) is good news. How can this be? Isn't it much better to know how things are going?
The reason I write this is because the person I was (or am... who knows?!) seeing (sorta, I guess, I don't really know) is not very good at communicating. He doesn't seem to get that the silence makes me feel deaf to what is going on between us. I am a communicator and need to speak my feelings and mind and I need to hear it from others. He knows what I am feeling but never responds unless I make an assumption (I know, I know... Ass... U... me.... I get it) that he doesn't want to be with me. Then I'm told that I am reading too much into things or that I just don't get it... really?!?! Doesn't the silence teach me that I am not important enough for your words? Doesn't the silence teach me that I am not on your mind? Doesn't the silence teach me that this "relationship" really isn't there? *sigh* I don't know what to think, but I do know what I feel and that is that the silence is deafening.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Too Much...

Perhaps I am too much sometimes. As I explained to the guy I really like, I just don't know how to fall in love a little at a time, or to stop halfway. I am an all or nothing kind of girl, and some people find that too much. I commit fully to whatever it is that I am doing. So if I find something funny, I commit to laughing wholeheartedly (and for those of you that know me, that's pretty loud). I don't really know how to snicker quietly in the corner or how to laugh softly. I throw my head back, open my mouth and let out a good, loud laugh (which my ex told me was too loud for him... guess I was too much for him, meh). I am that way in like and love... I go in with both feet. Now, I tend to think that this is a quirky, but endearing trait. However, I am getting the idea these days that most men don't feel the same. Perhaps they are intimidated by my full embrace of things in my life (funny, sad, angry, loving, amusing, whatever life throws at me), or perhaps it is a turn off. I don't really know... but today as I was laughing out loud with a couple of friends over silly stories of living in a foreign land, I thought about it. Perhaps it's too much... and that's okay. I don't mind being too much if it means that I am living life to the fullest. One thing I know I will never do again in a relationship is tailor myself just to the needs of the other person and thereby lose myself in the process. I am all about making compromises and sacrifices to serve the one I am with, but I will not alter the essence of who I am... and being less than too much would be doing that.

Saturday, May 29, 2010


So today I was driving to New York city and as I left DC (where I had spent the morning) I headed north. For some reason it didn't dawn on me that I would have to pass by Kelvin's house to get to NYC. I know that I don't have any more feelings for him (I just gave away some of the things he gave me during the course of our relationship and it didn't phase me at all), but at the same time I was near hyper ventilating as I drove past his neighbourhood. I looked at every BMW X5 that came up the road. I was a ball of nerves. Sure, I'd love to see him again... I'd love to tell him that I am dating again... I'd love to tell him that I am fine (am I?)... I'd love for him to notice my more sculpted legs and the 20 lbs I've lost... but the thought of seeing him happy or with someone else guts me. Because knowing his manipulative self, he is probably in a fully committed relationship with a gorgeous, fit woman... *sigh* I never felt good enough in the relationship and I am afraid to see that I really wasn't... that he traded up. I know I shouldn't care, but I still kind of want him to be as unhappy as he made me for this last year. As I told one of my good friends: this break up didn't just break my heart, it broke all of me. It broke my self esteem, it broke my self image, it broke my mind, it broke my faith... it broke the essence of me. I am still trying to get all of those things back and until I have them back I am faking it until I make it. As for running in to Kelvin, well, I didn't... and if I ever do... I will fake it that I am just perfect.... because one day I will make it, God willing.

My VERY Own Sex and the City

Okay... don't get your panties in a knot. I don't mean that I am running around having sex in the city... although... JUST KIDDING!! Geez!
What I am referring to is the friendships in Sex and the City. Really, that is the central point in the story. There are these 4 ladies and no matter what life throws them, they know that at the end of the day they have each other. They don't always please each other, they don't always agree (or even often), they make mistakes in their friendships and lives and yet they know a security in their relationship with one another that surpasses all of those things. It survives... and when I really sit back, I have that too. I have a select few friends who love me like family, not like a friend. I am blessed that they often overlook my selfishness and stupidity and love me anyway. I won't say who is who in the roles, but there pretty much is one for each role. There is the Miranda (the one who is smarter, wiser and more practical than I am), there is the Samantha (the one who lives life to the fullest, even if the decisions aren't always wise), there is the Carrie (the insightful, kind friend who sees things that others don't) and there is the Charlotte (the slightly conservative, sweet friend who sees right through all the malarkey and calls it as it is). I'll leave it to my friends to throw themselves in to the role they see themselves as, and to put me where I belong... but I know that I am blessed... VERY blessed. Even though I am consistently struggling with my own self image, my ideals of what I need to be, my singleness, my past and all of that, these Sex and the City friends of mine stay with me, support me, pray for me and love me. If only that were enough to sustain my happiness... it's close, but I still long for a life mate. I know God knows that. I know that He wants to bless me with it but that I am blocking it. One of my Sex and the City friends helped me to see that the other night. I know that my fear of being broken again is a big hurdle I need to get over and I am trying... so, Sex and the City friends, please love me through it.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Sex and the City 2

Okay... I am such a chick sometimes. Okay, truth be told, I am such a chick ALL the time!! hahahaha. I took a break from packing and worrying about whether or not I should throw caution to the wind and go ALONE to New York City and watched a chick flick. One of the best chick flicks out there in my opinion. I went to see Sex and the City 2. I saw the first one by myself in the theatre in Edmonton and bawled like a baby through it (and I wasn't single at the time) and then I saw it alone today in Williamsburg, VA. This time I am single and didn't cry a drop. Interesting, no?
Anyway... I normally rail against the push of Hollywood for relationships. I hate the way that at the end of each movie, all is right with the world and that the girl gets the guy each time. And it's the same with the Sex and the City movies. I recently watched the first one again the other day to remember it before seeing the second one, and marveled at how honest the movie is about the work in relationships. Yes, the girl gets her guy at the end, but they are honest about the trials, the tribulations, the joys and the work and I can appreciate that. So to all the other chicks out there... see the movie, enjoy it for what it is, and let yourself view your own relationships (or lack thereof) with new eyes. I know I will be and I am sure that after my chick brain recovers and I have some quiet moments to think, I will have some reflections to post here... so watch out readers, more self analyzation (is that a word?) is on the way. ;)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Should Have a Husband

So today in my after school math class I decided to have a little party to celebrate that the students finished their remediation with me. So we stocked the room with soda, chips, cookies and good moods. We did do a little testing advice, but then it was just time to relax and enjoy each others company. As we were joking, laughing and talking one of the students said something to me about "my husband." I laughed and replied that I didn't have one of those and she quickly came back with a "oh, but you should!" I, of course, agreed with her. It's so nice that a 9 year old child can see my merits! :) But the best part was when she followed it up with a comment that her neighbour was looking for a lady... hahahaha! Oh the innocence of children.

Monday, May 24, 2010


So I've been challenged a time or two to really think about and write down a list of what I think I need and want in a life mate and so I've thought about it. I've thought and prayed over what would make me feel happy. I've thought about the men I've dated in the past and what made me love them when I did love them. I've also thought about what hurt me in being with them and how I wouldn't want that again.... but instead of listing the don'ts (negative) I want to list the things I DO want. So here we go:

1. He MUST be a god God loving, God fearing man (lip service isn't enough, he and I and God deserve more than that).
2. He MUST have a good sense of humour (lots of things in life aren't wonderful and finding a way to laugh everyday and to make the one you love laugh everyday is endearing in an inexplicable way).
3. He MUST want to serve others ( a servant's heart is one of the most beautiful things in any person).
4. He MUST want to take care of me (not always in regards to finances or health, but also in regards to spirituality, heart, mind).
5. He MUST be able to let me in and let me take care of him in the same way I want him to take care of me.
6. He should be attractive (physically, intellectually, spiritually) to me.

And that's pretty much it. I just want to be around someone positive, supportive, kind and funny. I think that I possess these qualities myself and so it's not that much to ask. I want to be a helpmate to my man and I want him to be the same for me. I'm not full of rainbows and butterflies... I know there is a lot of work involved in marriage. I understand that compromise is a theme in marriage or any relationship... but I think that's what I am good at in a relationship.

So there you go readers... there is the list. Let me know what you think.