So previously I posted about the dudes I had/have been seeing in the last little while. Well, recently Mr. Turk-Not-So-Turk has been back in touch. Instead of typing that all the way through this post, let me just call him AT (his initials... all my peeps here know who he is). Anyway, he recently texted to hang out but I was in London on my job search. This this weekend he asked to hang out but I wasn't going into town on the Friday because of the snow and slick roads and he didn't want to drive out on the roads... understandable. Now, if you've been reading, you know I like(d) this guy. I felt bad about dating other guys that were pursuing me because I liked AT and was confused about what was going on. Sure, I had my suspicions about things but this was the EXACT text I got last night when I invited him out to hear a friend sing etc:
Angela i have something to tell you, i would liked to tell u in person but its best i tell u now
Im practically engaged. When u & i met there was a slump in our relationship
If ur ok with it we can continue seeing each other, otherwise im sorry
IM SORRY i hve feelings for u its just that i have feelings for someone else too.
I won't type in my exact response because I was pretty upset... I was actually in a taxi on the way out for a girls' night out with my girls here in Ankara. I was all dressed up and ready to have some fun with some good people. But bascially I told him that it wasn't right to try and mess around with two people at once and that he wasn't a man of good character (I used a few more choice terms than that of course). I then told him that I didn't need or deserve what he had to offer. I also told him that he did a good job of snowing me and my friends as to his true colours. His response? Here it is:
My battery is dying & i wasn't pretending.
UH... yea... RIGHT!!! puhahaha... played me for a fool once, not going to do it again, sir. I then deleted him from my facebook etc. What a jackass!! But I am proud of me for standing up for myself and for what I think is right. And, good bye to bad rubbish... YAH ME!!!
I know, I know, I am young but not THAT young!! I was out last night with my friends (one was leaving the country and it was her last big hurray... miss you already, G) and we were dancing, laughing and generally having a good time. I was sticking to my resolution to recognize my value and worth by acting like it. Anyway, it was a great night... but one little bit stuck out to me and I thought I'd share it with my readers:
We were dancing the night away and some men that we had met out once before joined in our fun, dancing and laughing and being a little bit flirty. One of them was an adorable young guy with a thousand watt smile. He was about as flirtatious with my friends as he was adorable and at one point one of my friends kind of bounced away from him all smiles (she is so much more adorable that he is so that tells you a LOT). Anyway, he kind of looked after her and I sauntered over and the conversation went a little like this:
Me: Go get her.
Me: Ah... you're used to the ladies coming after you right (he nods). Well, you're young so let me tell you how this works out best... you gotta go after the quality girls.
Him: (laughs) yea, I guess. But I'm not THAT young, I'm 25! How old are you?
Me: Oh sweetie... you ARE that young (laughing)... I'm 36.
Him: GET OUTTA HERE!! Wow, you look like you're a lot younger!
I'm still giggling about that. I love (and I was like this at that age) how when we are in our early to mid 20s we think we are so mature, wise and all-knowing. And now in my mid 30s I'm realizing how little I know and how I wish I had listened to advice doled out to me in those earlier years. Sure, it was a great compliment from a cute younger guy for him to think I was younger... but what struck me is the sense he had about knowing how to "play the game." Perhaps that's the problem in dating these days. It's all a game somehow! :) But then again, I have not the wisdom of my 20s, just the uncertainty of my 30s.
P.S. my young friend who bounced away from cutie pie has the wisdom of her 20s and she is so much more aware of her value and worth... It makes me happy and I'm thrilled to watch and learn from her!
Reflections aren't always good for me. As my friend, L, likes to say: YOU THINK TOO MUCH!! And she may just be right. We had a really great conversation last night (although you might not have known it if you were a fly on the wall with all my whining, crying and expressions of self doubt etc) and L wasn't afraid to push my boundaries and ask me the tough questions that challenged all the many thoughts that race around in my head. She agreed that it was high time that I started to see my own worth and to be proud of who I am. She also said it was high time to begin to ACT like I knew my worth. And while it's a bit of a battle for me (I know that it shouldn't be, but as we talked she helped me to see that I have a lot of unrealistic and crazy expectations of myself and then in turn I have these expectations for others as well.), she was really helpful in helping me sort out how I can go about doing that little by little... and I think I'm already making those baby steps forward. How am I doing that, you ask? Well... the first way is that I am writing this in this blog. I find that this is my therapy and even though it's a little scary to know that ANYONE who wants to can read this, it's also freeing. So I am writing about this journey to my better self here in hopes that others will take courage from it and that I can take encouragement from my loving readers who often email me or leave comments on my facebook page. The second way I am taking baby steps forward is not to jump at every little bit of attention thrown my way, especially when I know that the guy in question isn't really intending for much of a relationship to take place (and that is what I want.... I've been saying that I'm not looking for the next guy but the LAST guy... for the marriage but I haven't exactly behaved like it and that starts now!). Case in point... actually 2 cases in point. There is a guy who is interested but I know without a shadow of a doubt that it won't go anywhere. And he's really nice, calls me often, showers me with compliments and offers an open ear when I need it and isn't afraid to give me honest advice. Sounds great, right? Sure, but we've had an honest conversation and I know that a relationship isn't what he wants and so I've made it clear and reiterated, today in fact, that point. The me of 2011 and just about every year before that would have jumped at the opportunity for any attention and "love" I could get thinking it was all that I COULD or would get. But not now, I'm worth a relationship that's real and I won't accept less. Thankfully he's very sweet and understands and respects that. Hopefully we will remain friends. And also a guy I'm seeing (I guess, I'm really not sure what's going on... you know Mr. Turk-not-so-Turk) has been in touch with me but blows hot and cold all the time. I know he has family commitments and work commitments that are crazy and somewhat out of his control... I get that, I'm trying to be understanding. But those things CANNOT be an excuse not to text me or email or even call (these things can take anywhere from 30 seconds to 10 minutes... and really, he can't spare that?!), so when he texted me after NOT returning texts about meeting yesterday (as we had agreed to do... thankfully we hadn't set a time or place or I would have foolishly been there waiting around for him) with a text saying that he was already flying to his next location for work but would like for me to visit him, my answer was a little curt and stated a maybe, we'll see... when I'm pretty sure in my heart and mind that there is no point... I mean, since I am just an afterthought to him, why do I make him more to me? I'm worth more than just being an afterthought for ANYONE and so I'm going to start treating myself that way and acting like it.
So this is how I propose to make baby steps forward. I always say fake it until you make it and it's worked for me in so many other areas of my life... I'm successful in my work, I live a life of adventure and wonder (I live and work all over the world), I have the most wonderful friends and family who support and love me through all the ups and downs... I am confident, smart, BEAUTIFUL (even if the guys I date don't think it's important to tell me that), funny, well-liked, cheerful, complex and yet simple, and I am proud of all I am and am worth it!! As my friend, R, says from the movie The Help: "you is KIND, you is SMART, you is IMPORTANT" and I am... so is she, so is just about everyone I know and love... so time to treat myself that way!!
Typically at this time of the year I sit down and make this huge list of things I want to accomplish in various areas of my life. I compartmentalize my life and I sit down and think about the physical, mental, emotional, financial etc changes and improvements I want to make in my life. And each year I meet some of my goals or resolutions and each year I fail at several as well. And because I am who I am, I write them down somewhere and reflect on them often and make judgments about myself based on those successes and failures. This year as the new year began to approach, I let my mind wander to those previous goals and what I think I could or would change to find more success in 2012. But as I sit here on my couch, in my cozy living room with the snow falling outside, on this first day of the new year, and reflect on the past and face towards the future, I can only come up with one goal. This year, in 2012, I want to see and understand my worth and value as a human being. I know... seems vague, doesn't it? But I can't find a better way to sum up what it is I want to accomplish in my life this coming year. I want to see the worth in myself that my friends and family see in me. I feel like if I can begin to accomplish that, the other goals I've been trying to make and reach for years will naturally fall into place. I think if I can find my worth, embrace it and expose it to myself and others I will be able to find the joy in myself that is required to be a success in all areas of my life. So that's my resolution this year... just the one thing, it's more than enough. I hope that each of my readers (you small, faithful group... I love you all for reading, by the way) also finds and understands their worth and that you embrace your value and live your life knowing that you have value and worth in your own eyes and in the eyes of those who know you. I think knowing that could create a better world among us... May 2012 bring you and me the strength and peace of mind to be our best selves.