A blog by a woman who simply can't make relationships work, so instead of wallowing in self-pity, she decided to explore singleness with some humour and honesty.
Monday, January 25, 2010
The year of Butterfly Angela is off to a good start. I have lost 10 pounds and gained some confidence and sense of self. I've also decided to make the move to another country and kind of restart my life. I'm making choices over the next few months about what to take with me and what to leave behind... and I think that those decisions will also extend to emotional things too. I've been thinking of what to purge from my life in regards to emotional baggage so that I can go lightly into this new section of my life. I guess this is part of my transformation where I educate myself and begin to wrap my chrysalis around myself. I am so grateful for those of you (readers and friends) who are helping to make that chrysalis strong and durable... who are asking me the tough questions so that I am well prepared for this change. Stay tuned... more to come I am sure.
For most of my life, I've been a follower. I've followed my parents and their rules... I've followed my teachers and their rules... I've followed my peers and their thoughts... I've followed my pastors and their ideals... I've followed my God and His love. But now I am making a little bit of a different choice in my life. I am going to be the leader in my life (well, I will still continue to follow God because I've never been led astray there). Today in church, the pastor was talking about fear and the truth of what fear is. Sure, it's good (basic survival) to be fearful sometimes but to have fear in my life and to be afraid to lead my own life, I am choosing not to trust in God for my life and that isn't good. One of the quotes that really spoke to me during the service was: "Most people don't lead their lives, they accept them." And it hit me like a nail on the head, I've just been accepting my life. I don't want to just accept it. Sure, I accept that there will be peaks and valleys in my life but I will not fear them. I will not simply stand by and accept life. I have the ability to choose and I choose to lead my life and to have love in my life, on my terms!
I've often thought that the life of a butterfly is beautiful. They turn from a sluggishly slow, hairy thing with too many legs and too many rolls into something that everyone regards as beautiful. Butterflies are symbols of freedom in many cultures. This year I've decided to make my butterfly year. Yes, I know it is the year of the Tiger, and maybe the inner tiger in me will shine too, but this year is the year of my butterfly. This year, I will allow myself to transform into something beautiful. I know many of my friends will say that I am already beautiful... blah, blah, blah. I don't want to discount them or offend them by ignoring their words, but they aren't me... They don't see me in the mirror, only themselves. So this year, my goal is to allow myself to transform... to allow myself to enter a phase of chrysalis and then to emerge more beautiful and free than before. Of course this means I have to go through my stage as a caterpillar too... and so that is how I begin my new year. I will slowly go, allowing my mind and soul to feed on things that will make me stronger. The trick is to keep moving forward. And then, when the time comes, I will enter my chrysalis... spinning my soft silk and hard walls around myself. And finally, I will emerge with new, colorful wings and I will be beautiful, not just to my good friends but to the world and most importantly, to myself. Yes, this is the year of my butterfly.