Friday, August 27, 2010

35 + 2

No, no, no... I didn't suddenly jump to being 37 years old. The title comes from the fact that I am gaining perspective (2 days into the whole 35 thing). I don't feel older, I don't look older and being older doesn't freak me out. I guess I just had something else in mind for being 35.

Have you ever thought back to when you were a kid and what you thought you'd do with your life? I do that all the time (yes, I know it's a bit neurotic, but that me... well, with a dose of OCD and stupidity added in it's me!!). I have a very clear memory of being 5 years old and riding the school bus to my Kindergarten class. I remember it was chilly out because I fogged up the window and was doodling. I remember humming softly to myself (I was convinced that I was going to be a singer at that age and we see how well that prediction worked out! hahaha) and thinking about my future. Like most kids, I thought that 20 was old but I also thought I'd probably get married around 25. I thought it'd be later than most people but that I'd be happier if I could live a little more and really get that singing career going before I got married.

I remember turning 25 and laughing at myself. I had no boyfriend or prospects and I just wasn't ready. I remember at 25 thinking that the word marriage and commitment scared the crap outta me! I remember thinking that surely by 30 I'd be ready and HE'd come along.

Then I hit 30 and I wasn't ready for marriage, but I was actively seeking out love and relationships (we know how that usually turns out: Eager Girl + Any Guy = DISASTER for both). But I didn't feel pressured to be married, just pressured to be on a path towards a future of some kind.

Now that I'm 35, I realize that I thought I'd be married by now. Especially after all the marriage discussions that Kelvin and I had... especially after he'd proposed (not a lot of people know about that... it wasn't a formal proposal, he'd asked me tearfully if I would marry him, that he wasn't formally proposing but that he knew I was his forever and he just needed to know that the answer would be yes for when he did get on one knee and ask... and it went downhill from there). I'm finally at a place where not only am I ready for love, I am ready for commitment and I thought those things would be in play by now... Guess my timing isn't always the right timing... Still waiting... but from now on, I'm putting those kiddish thoughts behind me... no age is the right age, it's going to happen when I'm right and HE's right... (HE means the one that I will choose that will choose me right back).


  1. woot woot!!! LOVE this post..... thanks once again for being vulnerable. those of us who love you so appreciate it *hugs*

  2. Thanks!! I just don't know how else to be... might save me some heartache if I knew how to hide myself away or to keep things hidden, but it's just not who I am... so I'll take the heartbreak if it means that I can be myself.