So today I was driving to New York city and as I left DC (where I had spent the morning) I headed north. For some reason it didn't dawn on me that I would have to pass by Kelvin's house to get to NYC. I know that I don't have any more feelings for him (I just gave away some of the things he gave me during the course of our relationship and it didn't phase me at all), but at the same time I was near hyper ventilating as I drove past his neighbourhood. I looked at every BMW X5 that came up the road. I was a ball of nerves. Sure, I'd love to see him again... I'd love to tell him that I am dating again... I'd love to tell him that I am fine (am I?)... I'd love for him to notice my more sculpted legs and the 20 lbs I've lost... but the thought of seeing him happy or with someone else guts me. Because knowing his manipulative self, he is probably in a fully committed relationship with a gorgeous, fit woman... *sigh* I never felt good enough in the relationship and I am afraid to see that I really wasn't... that he traded up. I know I shouldn't care, but I still kind of want him to be as unhappy as he made me for this last year. As I told one of my good friends: this break up didn't just break my heart, it broke all of me. It broke my self esteem, it broke my self image, it broke my mind, it broke my faith... it broke the essence of me. I am still trying to get all of those things back and until I have them back I am faking it until I make it. As for running in to Kelvin, well, I didn't... and if I ever do... I will fake it that I am just perfect.... because one day I will make it, God willing.
Okay... don't get your panties in a knot. I don't mean that I am running around having sex in the city... although... JUST KIDDING!! Geez! What I am referring to is the friendships in Sex and the City. Really, that is the central point in the story. There are these 4 ladies and no matter what life throws them, they know that at the end of the day they have each other. They don't always please each other, they don't always agree (or even often), they make mistakes in their friendships and lives and yet they know a security in their relationship with one another that surpasses all of those things. It survives... and when I really sit back, I have that too. I have a select few friends who love me like family, not like a friend. I am blessed that they often overlook my selfishness and stupidity and love me anyway. I won't say who is who in the roles, but there pretty much is one for each role. There is the Miranda (the one who is smarter, wiser and more practical than I am), there is the Samantha (the one who lives life to the fullest, even if the decisions aren't always wise), there is the Carrie (the insightful, kind friend who sees things that others don't) and there is the Charlotte (the slightly conservative, sweet friend who sees right through all the malarkey and calls it as it is). I'll leave it to my friends to throw themselves in to the role they see themselves as, and to put me where I belong... but I know that I am blessed... VERY blessed. Even though I am consistently struggling with my own self image, my ideals of what I need to be, my singleness, my past and all of that, these Sex and the City friends of mine stay with me, support me, pray for me and love me. If only that were enough to sustain my happiness... it's close, but I still long for a life mate. I know God knows that. I know that He wants to bless me with it but that I am blocking it. One of my Sex and the City friends helped me to see that the other night. I know that my fear of being broken again is a big hurdle I need to get over and I am trying... so, Sex and the City friends, please love me through it.
Okay... I am such a chick sometimes. Okay, truth be told, I am such a chick ALL the time!! hahahaha. I took a break from packing and worrying about whether or not I should throw caution to the wind and go ALONE to New York City and watched a chick flick. One of the best chick flicks out there in my opinion. I went to see Sex and the City 2. I saw the first one by myself in the theatre in Edmonton and bawled like a baby through it (and I wasn't single at the time) and then I saw it alone today in Williamsburg, VA. This time I am single and didn't cry a drop. Interesting, no? Anyway... I normally rail against the push of Hollywood for relationships. I hate the way that at the end of each movie, all is right with the world and that the girl gets the guy each time. And it's the same with the Sex and the City movies. I recently watched the first one again the other day to remember it before seeing the second one, and marveled at how honest the movie is about the work in relationships. Yes, the girl gets her guy at the end, but they are honest about the trials, the tribulations, the joys and the work and I can appreciate that. So to all the other chicks out there... see the movie, enjoy it for what it is, and let yourself view your own relationships (or lack thereof) with new eyes. I know I will be and I am sure that after my chick brain recovers and I have some quiet moments to think, I will have some reflections to post here... so watch out readers, more self analyzation (is that a word?) is on the way. ;)
So today in my after school math class I decided to have a little party to celebrate that the students finished their remediation with me. So we stocked the room with soda, chips, cookies and good moods. We did do a little testing advice, but then it was just time to relax and enjoy each others company. As we were joking, laughing and talking one of the students said something to me about "my husband." I laughed and replied that I didn't have one of those and she quickly came back with a "oh, but you should!" I, of course, agreed with her. It's so nice that a 9 year old child can see my merits! :) But the best part was when she followed it up with a comment that her neighbour was looking for a lady... hahahaha! Oh the innocence of children.
So I've been challenged a time or two to really think about and write down a list of what I think I need and want in a life mate and so I've thought about it. I've thought and prayed over what would make me feel happy. I've thought about the men I've dated in the past and what made me love them when I did love them. I've also thought about what hurt me in being with them and how I wouldn't want that again.... but instead of listing the don'ts (negative) I want to list the things I DO want. So here we go:
1. He MUST be a god God loving, God fearing man (lip service isn't enough, he and I and God deserve more than that). 2. He MUST have a good sense of humour (lots of things in life aren't wonderful and finding a way to laugh everyday and to make the one you love laugh everyday is endearing in an inexplicable way). 3. He MUST want to serve others ( a servant's heart is one of the most beautiful things in any person). 4. He MUST want to take care of me (not always in regards to finances or health, but also in regards to spirituality, heart, mind). 5. He MUST be able to let me in and let me take care of him in the same way I want him to take care of me. 6. He should be attractive (physically, intellectually, spiritually) to me.
And that's pretty much it. I just want to be around someone positive, supportive, kind and funny. I think that I possess these qualities myself and so it's not that much to ask. I want to be a helpmate to my man and I want him to be the same for me. I'm not full of rainbows and butterflies... I know there is a lot of work involved in marriage. I understand that compromise is a theme in marriage or any relationship... but I think that's what I am good at in a relationship.
So there you go readers... there is the list. Let me know what you think.
Okay... so I think that one of the things I need to work on most in my life (dating life and regular life) is having discipline. I think I've known this for a long time but I haven't paid it much attention until today. Today my church service was amazing. It was like the pastor was speaking to me directly. And I am sure that loads of people felt the same way. The weight of the Holy Spirit was heavy in that place. It was good (I hadn't been in a while for numerous reasons, none of which were very good at the end of the day). The main things that I took away from the service were this:
1. GET OBEDIENT! For when our obedience is full, God can fully work in us. I can relate this to all areas of my life, but perhaps most to my dating life. I began to wonder if my struggle to meet a godly man and have a successful relationship was more directly related to my lack of spiritual obedience than to anything else. It's something to ponder and more importantly, it's something I know I can change for all areas of my life.
2. To be a DISCIPLE means to be a disciplined person. So I need to work on being disciplined in all areas of my life, including my dating life, which goes back to my previous entry about my promise ring. I need look at my ring daily and be reminded that I am worth so much more than a quick date or someone trying to take advantage of me. I need to be disciplined in saving myself for my future husband in EVERY way.... it's going to be hard, but so is losing weight and I've been learning to discipline myself with regards to food and exercise and the rewards have been great so far!!!
So that's all I have for now... coming soon is a list of what I think I need/want in a future man. People have said that I need to just make the list, to be clear on what I want and I am finally ready to agree.
Okay... I know I've stated this before, but let me add the pre-cursor that I know a lot of married people aren't this way... BUT... this is one of my biggest pet peeves. I am tired of married people telling me that it isn't all roses and rainbows.... I KNOW it will be hard work, but trust me, it is a LOT easier to have your life mate walk beside you in things than to do it all alone. And the other big pet peeve is when they tell me about that friend who didn't find her husband until she was 50 or 60 (I got the 60 story tonight at a school event). STOP telling me that stuff. It doesn't encourage me. I am not into waiting that long to start that part of my life. I know that I am supposed to wait on God's timing, and I am trying, but stories like that are so not encouraging. It's annoying and MEAN!! Easy to say that there is plenty of time when you have already started your life...
So, if you know me, you know I am moving to Ankara, Turkey in August. So I am packing up my house in the US as I prepare to go home to Canada for the summer. But as I pack up my home, I think about packing up my dating life here in the US. I've had some of my lowest lows here and so packing that up is going to be easy, in fact, I won't even take that with me. The lowest lows are going into the trash with all the junk I've managed to accumulate over the last 2 years. But I have also had some fun times here too. Some I will tuck away into the storage of my mind and bring out to enjoy from time to time, and some I will toss out, even though they weren't bad. But there was one really amazing date/man here and I'm having the hardest time packing that away. I want to take him with me everywhere, but not packed away as a distant, past memory. I want to take him with me as a person in the present... but, unfortunately, that's not going to happen. *sigh* So how do I do that? How do I pack away those feelings that I've developed for a man who has been in and out of my life this past year?