Thursday, July 15, 2010


I was looking at someone's facebook page and they mentioned something about dating preferences. I've been asked about this often but never written about it here. I've never dated anyone within my own race, and it's not about the race for me, it's just about what I like. It's not that I don't like "white" guys, it's just I haven't felt connected to many white guys the way I have men of other cultures and ethnic backgrounds. Since I often live overseas and am the minority where I am, it's never seemed like an issue to date outside my race. I never even noticed it until I moved to the US 2 years ago. As those of you who have been reading this blog from the start know, I moved to the US at the request of my ex-boyfriend who is African American. We had met in Korea (where I dated Asians, Latinos and African Americans before) and then came to the US. He warned me that it might not be comfortable to have an interracial relationship in the US. I didn't really believe him because I thought that we are in a new millennium and surely people had better things to worry about that two people from different races who were in love... but he was right. I often got stared down by women of his race and some of mine... There were comments under the breath and whispers behind the back. I ignored it because their issue isn't mine, but lately I've begun to wonder why it's such an issue for some. Some of my African American friends tried to explain it as a white woman was taking a "good" black man from their own kind... I don't know how I feel about that. To me, men are men and I am not trying to take anyone from anybody. I date who I feel attracted to and connected to, regardless of their race or ethnic background. Sure, I haven't really dated any men in my own race, but if I met one that I connected to and felt attracted to, I would... *sigh* Why can't we all just get along and respect that people like who they like and don't have ulterior motives of stealing something good from another group of people?


  1. Gosh I really can't help you there! I have no idea why this would even be an issue! I think some people are just stupid!

  2. I have learned a little about this in my travels and may offer a comment from a slightly more general perspective. I was surprised when I came to Turkey and found some women hated me before they even met me, because I was white, privileged and speaking English. I represented everything that they had been taught to want to be and therefore, also the qualities the somehow showed their own identity as less valuable. I didn't understand. I was trying to be kind and good and just get along. Then I realized, every time I talked in English and had command of a room because it is the language of the educated elite here, I was reinforcing (in that sick and twisted way that only a developed international societal hierarchy can create) that another's mother language was not as powerful as mine. Every time my blondish (not blond actually even) hair got the attention of many men in a room my existence was reinforcing that dark hair was less attractive.

    What I mean is, other people are aware that we are already in the privileged position, whether we ever even meant or wanted to be there. This is not to say that we should make ourselves small or stop loving who we love, or speaking how we speak. We can, however, appreciate that we are born into a kind of international value at this point in history. We can also try to understand that no matter what we do, who we are has been set up societally as a measure for others (even though we may never want it that way). I am not saying we are a good measure, or that people should want to be us!

    I am sure the black men issue has something to do with solidarity and people trying to overcome a long historical lack of value shown to them. For those who keenly feel such a struggle, I am sure they find it difficult to see valuable, successful black man with white women as if they have left the circle of solidarity. I know the world is not binary and that nothing is as simple as "with us or against us," but belonging and solidarity are still very powerful socially.

  3. I'm a white woman married to a Japanese man living in the Vancouver lower mainland and for the most part we don't have to deal with racism. However, on occation, we get disapproving looks and comments in foreign languages made usually by elderly Asian men. We have no idea what the problem is, but we know some people have a problem and it's their problem. As long as they don't make it a problem for us, they're entitled to their opinion, as narrow-minded as it might be.

    When we travel, we're a little more cautious because in some areas people like to cause problems based on their opinions. However, where we live most people don't think twice about interracial couples and that's what we love about it here.

    On another similar note, we have a child that's a half white and half Japanese and we get a lot of positive comments about her. People seem to love the beauty that comes from the mixing of two races.


  4. Love these comments... I agree with a lot of what was said and it opened my eyes in a direction that I'd glanced at and never really looked at before. I would like to say that I've experienced full on racism while living in Asia before. And not from the women wanting to be what I was or whatever... no, I've been looked down upon because I wasn't what they were... I've also been shunned from taxis and other things because I was white, because other whites had left a bad taste in the mouth of that person and so I was lumped in and valued less because of the colour of my skin. So while, I understand that I haven't dealt with it in my history for generations and generations and the devaluing isn't massive for whites like it is for some other races, I have felt it and can understand it somewhat.
    I do think that ALL races need to see the value in the other and explore and educate themselves about cultures, religions, histories and so on of other cultures...

    Love the response I am getting from this! Keep it coming... I am learning.

  5. I remember those behind your back comments when I dated a black fellow years ago. I was more aware of it when we were in the US and I think he was more attuned to it than I was wherever we went. I was pretty oblivious really.
    But when I look back at when I was dating, I dated guys who were black, white, Asian, was the person who interested me, not the race.
    My brother fell in love with a girl when he was living in Taiwan. They were engaged for a period of time. The reason they broke it off was due to her family. They didn't want her marrying a white Canadian, and he didn't want to be the cause of her falling out with her parents. It really was a him or us kind of thing. Sad really.