Thursday, October 28, 2010


Yup, that's what I would call what I've been doing for the past couple of weeks... even before I took the time out. And I don't think I am finished wrestling with myself just yet, I am not sure that I ever will be but here is some of the result of that wrestling:

1. I took some sage advice and cut all my exes out of my life, whether they were friends to me or not. I didn't do it to be mean or harsh or to hurt them... and really, there was only one I was really friends with. I did it for self preservation. I did it because I am not capable of just being buddies with someone I once had feelings for. So in order to move on, I had to drop them out of my life. I hope that it works for me. I just felt the need for a clean slate and no moving and shaking of my hopes anymore.

2. I've let myself get broken down and have a good cry. Sometimes I need that... it relieves the stress and lets me be clear headed again... it also allows me to see how foolish I am at times.

3. I've decided to give eHarmony one last try. I know, I know... I live in Turkey, blah, blah, blah. All I am saying is that it's a decent website and it lets me at least chat with guys who know what I am about and hopefully (if they didn't lie) that I know what they are about. It helps me to see if I can really follow the principles that I hold dear and if I can treat myself the way I deserve so that men will do the same. Maybe it's silly... but I need the practice! ;)

4. I've decided that the time for breaking down is over... breaking down leads to building up and I am ready for the building up. And so I'll start with this:

:) yea... that's right... I'm not JUST pretty... I'm beyond it!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Self-Imposed Time Out

I am taking a self-imposed time out from blogging and facebook so that I can really give this some thought. I feel like I am at a cross-roads and I need to give some focus to what is going on... I feel like it's time to decide what I am going to do with this single life. I am no happy being single (I try to be happy being me without thought towards being single and that's going okay) and yet I feel like it's going to be my continuous condition... so I am going to just stop, think, and then make a decision about what to do... Thanks to those of you who have read and encouraged... I do appreciate it and I hope that you have the patience to wait for my return... it may be a couple of days, weeks or months, I just don't know. I just know it is necessary at the moment.

Taking Stock and Advice

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what's happening in my single life. I've begun to wonder if the desire to get married is nothing more than a pipe dream. I've begun to question if it is the life for me. I know that I am full to the brim of love and that I desperately want to share that love and my life with someone... but maybe that's not enough or maybe it's just not meant for me. I've been questioning all of it, myself, my friends, my family, even my God. I'm not getting any real answers yet, but I am taking stock. I am sitting back and figuring out who is in my life and why they are there. I am so blessed with the friends that I have. They are supportive and kind and loving and FUN! But some of the people I count among my friends are exes... why? Why do I still have those people in my life? Should I just completely cut them out and move on? How do you do that? So as I am taking stock, I am seeking advice...

Friday, October 22, 2010

Pity Party Me

Yup, that's right... I've said it, I am aware, and I don't care... I.HAVE.PITY.PARTIES... sometimes. It's not a common or regular occurrence, but occasionally I sit back, look at all the others around me and get a little sad for myself. Recently I had a mini one (thank God Sophia was here to drag me out of my melancholy and silliness). What brings them on? Well, gang, believe it or not it's the happiness of my friends and family. Sure, I am happy for them. Couldn't be happier or wish that anyone else had that measure of happiness more than who has it. I genuinely rejoice when a friend gets married or meets a great someone else to consider for their lives. I grin on the inside and out when they are proposed to, or have a great date, or feel giddy at the first words of love from their partner. I really do... and generally, I do dive into the woe is me sentiment at all... but every once in a while I get sick and tired of reading all the goodness happening for other people (and it's nothing to do with the people themselves.. .it's to do with me and me alone). I sometimes wonder when I get to have a turn, when do I get to have that kiss that feels like lightning? When do I get to be giddy about a date or those fantastic three words that make your heart swell and your eyes brim over with joy? When do I get to feel the warmth of an embrace that is more than just physical? When do I get to look down at my ring finger and see the physical expression of someone's love and promise for me? When do I get to declare to the world that I am in love and choosing to spend my life loving that person? When do I get to hear that declaration in regards to me?
I know, I know... count the blessings I've got... and I do. I really and truly do see that I am blessed. I have an amazing, supportive family and friends. I get to work and travel at the same time. I have a God that truly loves me and cares for me. I have my health. I have a job that I LOVE. I am blessed... BUT (and there it is, the big but) I want to SHARE IT!!! *sigh* So there we go... that's what pity party me looks like. Not all that attractive, I know... whiny... but that's her. :)

Friday, October 15, 2010

Garbage In, Garbage Out

That's what my youth pastor used to say to me in high school. He was trying to get me to recognize that the trash I put into my brain is what ends up showing up in my life. Little did I realize how true that can be!!! But I have another take on it now as an adult and with a connection to the whole single life.... Garbage Out, Garbage In! If you put out garbage, that's what is going to be attracted to you. You know: someone who puts out the party only lifestyle, prefers to be negative in their talk and walk, judges others all the time, presents sarcasm and cynicism all the time... What kind of person would be attracted to that?! The same kind, that's who. And then the cycle of complaints and broken relationships just keeps going around and around. *sigh* How do I know? I think I used to be one of those people. Maybe not all of those components or at least not all at once, but definitely sometimes and some of them... and I think that's part of the reason that I struggled in past relationships. I 1. didn't value myself enough and 2. put out that kind of garbage, so the rats and flies were attracted to it.... it's not who I am or what I want in my life. So... instead of garbage in and garbage out, I am choosing light and love in, light and love out. :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

What Love Is...

I think it's so easy to see what love isn't. We see it all the time... people judging others for any arbitrary reason (yup, I am guilty of it too... don't get me wrong, I want to be better, but I don't always get it right)... people using words that aren't kind or uplifting... people using their strength to hurt and hinder rather than to help and restore. But I don't want this entry to focus on that. I want to focus on what love IS.

And I could look up dictionary definitions... and I did, but trust me, it was a LONG definition with examples etc. (hm... maybe that's what I am getting at... there are so many ways to love and to not love, so many possible definitions of what love is or isn't) and I wasn't sure you really wanted to read a post from when you could be reading my ramblings instead (so much more the fun!!). I could also look into the Bible for the definition of love (and I have done that too, and whether you are a believer or not, there are some wise words there) but I didn't want to do that either. I wanted to look at my observations of love and I wanted to share them with you. So here is the love that I have seen in my past relationships (oh yea, I forgot to mention that this would be primarily about romantic love, although loads of it could apply to other types of love too), in the relationships of family members, and the relationships of friends.

So long story short (too late), here is the list:


1. Wanting to make things better for the other person. When they are sick or down, you want to do little things to make them feel better. If they are unhappy in their job, you want to listen and then help them find their happy.

2. Not being concerned with the outer as much as the inner (not belly buttons... people). They looked great when you met them and maybe some things have changed a little, but the person on the inside is still the person you love... so you go back to #1 and try to help them find their happy and be themselves.

3. Preserves the core of who they are. You might ask them to do things for you, you might ask them to change how they communicate with you so that you can hear them better etc... but you keep their essence the same and you fight tooth and nail to help them keep the purest part of themselves from being destroyed in any way.

4. Helps them grow. The last person I truly loved, I loved for the man he was, the man he wasn't and the man he WAS GOING TO BE. So, I tried to help him see and achieve his dreams... I think love does that.

5. Communicates in the voice of the other. We all have tendencies to to say things a certain way, to hear things a certain way, to see things a certain way. It's part of our schema. It's part of our make up. But when we really love someone, we try to bend ourselves a little to communicate in their way, and we hope they do the same for us.

6. Meets the person where they are at. In love, people have needs. We all have ways of giving and receiving love and its IMPORTANT. Take time, figure out what matters to you and to your partner and then work on meeting your partner in the way they receive love and then help them meet you in the same way.

7. Forgives and even forgets sometimes. Sometimes the forgetting is worth more than the forgiving. Forgiving your partner of a wrong and then holding on to it in your memory can just create bitterness and distrust... it's not worth it. If you feel like you can forgive it, then forget it.

8. Trusts, but isn't blind. We can trust and have faith in those we love, but we don't have to be blind to their faults or deaf to those things being said.... we should be bold and ask though... that makes sense.

9. Honest. That's it... that's all there is to that. It is what it is... be honest, expect honesty, give honesty.

10. Passionate. And no, not just in the bedroom... love is passionate in and about all the other things in the list and most of all about the other person.

I've been giving this a lot of thought lately as I've tried to figure out what I want in my next relationship. I've thought about those in the past and allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to be completely honest with myself and see my own mistakes and to see the mistakes of the other person too. And I think I'm coming to a clearer understanding of what it is going to take for me to make it work.... and when they say "make it work" that is what they mean... it's WORK. And I accept that, own it and anticipate it!

Monday, October 4, 2010

The Midgets and Me

What is it about short men? While in Kapadokya this past weekend, I was hit on by 3 or 4 men (which does wonders for the ego, that's for sure) but each one was about 5 feet tall. I know, I know, this does not a midget make and I also know that midget is the wrong term... it's just what I termed them in my amusement. They were all nice guys and a couple of them were quite attractive, but I am not interested in dating a man whose face rests solidly in my breasts. I am sure that's why he is interested in dating me... but it just doesn't go both ways, boys. Hahaha Anyway, it made for a fun evening and a great memory of Flintstones Cave Bar in Goreme, Turkey. The bar was small but the drinks were priced fine and the music was good and the people were super fun and nice... so check it out if you go, but if you are tall... beware... the short men are coming for you!! ;)