Tuesday, January 25, 2011


"A life without love is of no account. Don't ask yourself what kind of love you should seek, spiritual or material, divine or mundane, Eastern or Western... Divisions only lead to more divisions. Love has no labels, no definitions. It is what it is, pure and simple.

Love is the water of life. And a lover is a soul of fire!

The universe turns differently when fire loves water."

A quote from Rumi, via Forty Rules of Love by Elif Shafak

I've just finished this book and these, the final words from the story resounded so deeply in my soul that I wept. I wasn't sad for my singleness, but sad because I was working so hard in my past to label and define love. I've been working so hard to compartmentalize it. In this box goes the love for family and in that goes the one for friends... in the fancy box there is a space reserved for romantic love and here there is a box with love for children and over there is the box of love for God. I've worked so hard to see the differences in love, but have failed to see how love truly is the water of life (it's written everywhere, isn't it? Biblically God is the water of life and God is love so... ) and we are lovers, whose souls are fire as we burn to envelope that love, as we thirst for it... how can we not change the universe if we love LOVE?! *sigh* So today I wept not out of sadness for my singleness, but out of sadness that I've let fear rule and I've left love alone. I've been slowly letting my fire die instead of building it to burn for the water of life, to thirst. I've decided that I want to stop defining love, to stop limiting it and boxing it up in neat little categories... Instead, I choose to just LOVE!

Saturday, January 22, 2011


In my recent readings and self discoveries, I've noticed a set of common themes: release fear and start to love, set boundaries, and take action. So today I am considering the boundaries that I need to set so that I can adequately assess a situation. I've always thought I had boundaries, but I've not respected myself enough to stick to them, or I've let fear of being alone run ramshod over them. So today I am setting some new boundaries:

1. No physical, mental, or emotional abuses allowed.
2. No manipulation of who I am allowed... if I feel something isn't right, I need to stand up and say so and then walk away.
3. Dishonesty is not an option
4. Man must be unattached
5. Man must be communicative
6. Man must share my faith
7. Man must share my values
8. Man must respect my emotions and my body.

I think that is a good start for me. I know that they seem rudimentary, but think about where I am coming from: a string for relationships and relations with unavailable men and a lack of self love and respect. Best to start small, right? Besides, I don't want to put in silly boundaries about where a guy lives or what he does for a living... that just seems limiting. These boundaries I've listed seem liberating! Let's hope by putting them here, I will remember them, honour them (and myself) and follow them!

Friday, January 21, 2011


Okay... so here is the latest conundrum. I've really let the eHarmony thing lapse. I don't feel the need to be on there all the time or getting attention that just isn't going to go anywhere. If someone pursues me on there, I answer their questions etc, but my membership runs out in a couple of days and I am not bothered about it at all. However, I have put myself on a couple of Christian dating sites because, well, I think that those are the kinds of guys I'd like to attract. And I'd hope that they were honest and in it for the long haul... although, you can lie just as well on a Christian site as you can on a regular site. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I got an email from a member on one of the sites. He sent me a nice message telling that the thought I was attractive and that he liked my profile. I responded in kind (after looking his over). He then asked if he could email me and I agreed. I have an email address that is pretty much just for this kind of thing because I don't want oddballs having access to my stuff. It's also the one I use when signing up for stuff or purchasing online... best to keep all the junk mail flowing into one place. So the first email he sent was nice, if a little nervous seeming and I thought that was cute. The next had some photos of himself (I presume) and a much longer letter detailing more about himself. It was very long and I enjoyed reading it and gave him and equally long email in return. After that his emails became incredibly intense and he was intent to meet me and to push for something to happen. I asked him to slow down... I'm in no rush, I am loving that I am figuring out how not to be the fall back girl (by the way... I think the lovely distraction is done too... I want more than a distraction so...) and I have no need to jump into something with anyone right away. Besides, if he is Mr. Right instead of Mr. Unavailable (see earlier posts about Natalie's blog and books), then he will be willing to go at a decent pace that allows for discovery of who we are. Now, he says he's all good with that but some of the emails in the last couple of days have just sat wrong. Not wrong as in I think he's a nut job or that he's going to start boiling bunnies... just wrong as in I am not getting the whole story. He is in Africa on business (he says) and would like to stop by Turkey on his way home. I told him he was more than welcome to stop by the country but he would be responsible for his own accommodations... right!? So we will see... but there is the latest step in the life of me... or at least this part of my life!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Unavailable... who me?!

So, through the site I mentioned before - Baggage Reclaim - I've been doing some reading and discovery... and it's been a LOT of the latter. I've completed the short packet on Getting Unstuck, although I am still not unstuck. I think to be unstuck, I have a little more to learn about the role I've been playing in my own disasters. I know, I know... I've said for years that something must be wrong with myself for all these relationships to fail like they do... and there IS something wrong with me!! And for once I am not coming from a place of self-pity and woe when I say that! On Natalie's site (Baggage Reclaim) she has some very insightful blog entries and her eBooks. I've just begun the one entitled Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. I would never, ever in a million years think I was the fallback girl, but just 11 pages in and I know I am her. *sigh*
Natalie's book comes from her own story and experience and it feels like she crawled inside my head with the insights she shares. And my favourite part is that these emotionally unavailable people aren't just the single folk out there (so watch out married and/or committed folk... you could be one too!!). It makes it feel better to know that being emotionally unavailable isn't the disease of the single, it's the disease of humanity as we all struggle with it from time to time... some of us more than others.
I can't wait to read the rest of the book... please check back often for updates of what I'm getting out of it (hope you will be getting something out of it too) and check out Natalie's sight and her books! They are well worth the time and money if what I've read so far is any indication!!!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Re-evaluating Beliefs

Part of getting unstuck is about looking at who you are, assessing that and evaluating the beliefs you have. It's been interesting to look at my beliefs (and I don't mean my faith in God... it's not about those beliefs, but about beliefs about self, others, relationships etc) and to realize how much I have been hindering myself. It's also led me to see that I have more fears than I've ever taken time to acknowledge. Perhaps I refused to acknowledge them because if I did it would make them real and something for me to deal with. Here are some of the things I've discovered about myself:

  1. I am weak and it's okay... in my weakness I know I can find and develop strength but exposing my weakness sure makes me vulnerable to being hurt by others and myself. I am working on being responsible for dealing with my weakness and vulnerability in a way that creates strength and doesn't hide or diminish the weakness or vulnerability.
  2. I am afraid of being alone. Being alone equals failure in my mind because I look at how so many others have love. Sure they may not have monetary success, they may not have things etc, but they have what matters most in my mind, love with another. A family (whether that is just the couple or children are involved). So I am working on seeing being alone as not something to fear but to embrace because it gives me time to become the best version of myself possible and that has nothing to do with another human being. My worth and success is not and cannot be tied to the affections of any one person.
  3. I do not trust my own judgment in men that I date. This is a fear created by my poor decisions and past mistakes. I am working to learn to trust myself more by working on breaking down my ideas of what I need/want/deserve in a man. I thought I had it figured out but got so distracted by things that don't matter at the end of the day. I have to break barriers in my own mind first. Hard work, but it can be done.
Let's just start with those three for the moment. There is much more I need to work on, but taking my time and working slowly towards and better self and future matters to me.

Thanks for your support, readers and friends!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Getting Unstuck!

As this year begins and the distance between my disasters grows, I have the ability to look back and assess my own responsibilities, actions and so on. And being the person I am, who tends to the melancholy and melodramatic when it comes to myself and love, I tend to get really down and hurt over all of it. But if truth be told, I am in a place right now in my life where assessing myself makes sense. It's time to look back with a mind to looking forward. I am ready to see what patterns I have been putting myself in and how those hold me back. I am ready to break the patterns and MOVE FORWARD! It's time! And as I was thinking about it and talking to my friend in LA about where we both are in our romantic lives, she gave me some good terms. She told me her goals were to live without fear and get unstuck in her life. I liked those but didn't know where she was getting this, she is brilliant so she could have come up with it herself, but she didn't. Instead she sent me to this blog: Baggage Reclaim. This wonderfully wise woman writes this blog and has several thousand readers. She has also written some e-books and has them available on her site. I highly recommend her, her blog and her books. I just started the one about getting unstuck and I can't even begin to tell you how much truth this woman spoke into my mind and heart with her words. And the thing I love best about this is that she gives you exercises to do on your own to help you assess yourself and your past patterns so that you CAN move forward. So whether you are single, stuck in a bad relationship or just want to move forward in your own relationship and life, go check out her site, what she has to say and her books. It's worth the time!!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Another Man... another song

My relationship with KJ is harder to put into just one song... our whole relationship seems to be played out over a John Legend album. It was brutal to listen to any of those songs for a while. One song was I Can Change, which KJ dedicated to me after we'd first become a little more serious. He'd had a history of failed relationships and he took responsibility for those but wanted to change with me and be/do better. Then there was the song Stay With You, which I dedicated back to him when we were in the US because things were harder and he was struggling with lots of things in life and I wanted him to know that I was there with him. Then there was Ordinary People, which talks about taking it slow and just being ordinary... we both felt that one. And then when things were falling apart, this song became my heart's cry:

But after it was all over and my heartache dulled down, it wasn't a John Legend song but a Ne-yo song that helped me move past. So many of my friends were willing to let me cry and to encourage me to look at each new day as a new song... thanks for that friends!

Songs and Men

It's funny... I thought I had nothing to say but as I was sitting here thinking of the disasters of the past 2 years in my life lots of thoughts and songs popped up in my brain... each one for a different man in my life. One of the guys that I dated last year just ended up being a disaster... but a beautiful one. I'd like to think it could have worked out, but really it was just a disaster! hahaha Kelly Clarkson's song Beautiful Disaster just seems to sum it up for me... so here you go:

So.... it's been a while

It's been a while since I posted to this blog, but as I've said, I just haven't had much to say about dating and being single lately. But it is a new year and perhaps I need to make some goals and observations... no, my goals won't include find a husband or get married by 36 or whatever. My goals will be about myself because that's how I will attract the right kind of guy in my life, but before I get to goal setting... let me catch you up on things.

I heard from the Disappearing Act... he said that he hadn't meant to leave me hanging and that isn't how he deals with issues but that he felt he needed some time to figure out what he wanted. Which is fair enough, but generally I'd have appreciated a little note saying that he needed some time to think on his own. KJ used to pull the disappearing act and it was excruciatingly painful and I refuse to go through that again... it just isn't my style. I need, want and expect more respect than being offered silence and nothing. I told DA (Disappearing Act) that and he responded that he understood that and was sorry that he hurt me and that he was just happy to have me in his life however he could have me (I had alluded to just being friends and if things happened and developed, then they did and if not, no big deal). So we started talking again... now... here is where it gets sticky or interesting. I'd met someone here who is a lovely distraction but not something serious. I like the guy and I am enjoying getting to know him but do I see it being long haul? No... he is from Tunisia, 7 years younger than me and just interested in fun and good times... so a good distraction, yes.... a long term relationship, no. Anywho... we met AFTER DA did his little act and so I didn't feel bad meeting or spending time with this guy. DA asked me in a recent conversation if I'd met someone and I told him yes I had but that it wasn't serious. He asked if we'd been physical (which really wasn't his business to ask, but we had) and I answered honestly... this is when DA flew off the handle and told me I was pretty much a hypocritical #(%&@. I chose not to discuss it further with him and thanked my lucky stars that I knew what kind of person he was before a proper relationship started... So, yea, that's where things are with all of that! So you are caught up... now on to some single life goal setting!!

This year I want to do a lot for myself.

I am setting the goal of losing some inches from the right places. And not for aesthetic reasons, but for health reasons. I want to lose about 6 inches in the waist and 10 inches in the hips. It's going to take a LOT of work and monitoring of what goes in my mouth, but I think a healthier me will be a happier me that loves herself more and is able to accept and give love better.

I am also setting the goal of nurturing my spirit and mind with good reading materials, research and study. Perhaps another masters will come out of it. I am currently looking into applying for a masters in Psychology and Counseling from a well-known university here in Turkey. Perhaps if I learn how to help others I will learn to take my own advice better and help myself along the way.

I am setting the goal of being upfront, honest and even a little demanding when it comes to relationships. I tend to put myself last in relationships and I believe that if you love someone, you put them higher than yourself. I still believe that, but if I don't feel the same kind of love from the other person, I won't stay. I won't put myself in last place again... not ever, and I WILL let the men I date know that up front.

I am setting the goal of gaining financial and personal freedom. Being bound by debt is not a good feeling and even though I won't be debt free at the end of this year, I will be closer to it and that makes me happy. I am currently investigating the sale of my vehicle in Canada (so if you are interested in a superbly maintained 2008 Ford Escape in Canada, drop me a line) and using that money to pay off that loan and put a large lump sum towards my credit card debt. I am in the middle of my 30s and have yet to take full financial control of my life... responsibility sure, but control, no! It's time!

I believe if I can do these things (and I believe that I can), then I will be in the right place for the right person. I have faith that God is watching over this and guiding these goals. Let's hope so!