Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Suffering Single

And by suffering, I mean having a little bit of a pity-party (if I'm being honest).  I go through cycles in my single life.  Times where I am happy to be single and I embrace all that it offers me (and it offers a lot) and times where I am low and feeling incredibly sad.  Usually when I feel sad about being single, someone tells me that it was my choice (I HATE it when people say that... I said yes to the last guy who asked... I thought it was forever and then he changed his mind... it had nothing to do with my choice.... have I made bad choices since then, sure, admittedly).  And, sure, lots of the choices I've made in the past and even in the present are what leads me to be single.  I get it and don't deny it for the most part but it doesn't mean that secretly I WANT to be single.  Lately I've been feeling the loneliness of being single a lot.  Every time I open my facebook I see pictures of happy friends (even former students) in relationships or getting married or sharing their family time online.  Family and friends alike are steeped in it, but not me.  And, for the most part, all I feel when I see their happiness is joy.  Lately though, I've just felt a disconnect.  I have nothing to offer to their experiences and I feel like I'm losing most of my friends (even though I'm aware that I'm not).  I feel more and more bitter that I've been left behind and that the happiness I've dreamt about (like most women and girls) has been denied to me (through my choices as well as things that are out of my control).  Generally I feel like life is passing me by and like I'm treading water and getting tired.  I keep trying to focus in on myself and make myself better and stronger but it's not in my nature to be selfish.  I LOVE nothing more than to do nice things for other people (throw parties, make dinners, treat people to coffee or drinks, buy little presents, write encouraging notes, letters or emails, and generally find ways for those around me to feel cared for), it's what makes me happy.  But the older I get, the less opportunities I find I have for this as well... most of my friends get that love and encouragement from their significant other (as they should) and have less and less time for me in their lives as they have families and their focus shifts appropriately to their loved ones and to their friends that share the same things in their life. I don't know what to do about all this besides to just spill it out here as a form of therapy... a release.