The other day I was enjoying my life and thinking about how blessed I am in reality (which can be very different from how I can view things depending on my mood). I was reflecting on how much I love my family, my friends, my hometown area and my country. I was thinking about how I've been through some pretty low lows and how I've still managed to feel like God holds me in His hands (even though during those low lows I had serious doubts). As I was reflecting and feeling rather contented, I began to realize that I have made some mistakes. The man I was sort of, kind of seeing before I left the US was a REALLY good guy... I saw so much of a future with him but my eyes were also so scared from my past relationship with Kelvin. I projected a lot of that hurt onto things that Will did or didn't do and I began to see how unfair that was. Sure, Will wasn't perfect and he made errors too, but I finally began to realize the mistakes I made. And even though I am an emotional, passionate person who wears her heart on her sleeve... and even though I like to think that I do no wrong (hahahahHAHAHahahaha yea right!!)... and even though I wanted so bad for Will to 'fess up to his errors and verbalize things to me first, I contacted him first. I let him know how grateful I was to know him and even (hopefully) count him among my friends and how sorry I was for my part... and you know what? If felt good... it felt like a release. Even more so because it opened a good dialogue between us as friends... I'm grateful for that too.
I was looking at someone's facebook page and they mentioned something about dating preferences. I've been asked about this often but never written about it here. I've never dated anyone within my own race, and it's not about the race for me, it's just about what I like. It's not that I don't like "white" guys, it's just I haven't felt connected to many white guys the way I have men of other cultures and ethnic backgrounds. Since I often live overseas and am the minority where I am, it's never seemed like an issue to date outside my race. I never even noticed it until I moved to the US 2 years ago. As those of you who have been reading this blog from the start know, I moved to the US at the request of my ex-boyfriend who is African American. We had met in Korea (where I dated Asians, Latinos and African Americans before) and then came to the US. He warned me that it might not be comfortable to have an interracial relationship in the US. I didn't really believe him because I thought that we are in a new millennium and surely people had better things to worry about that two people from different races who were in love... but he was right. I often got stared down by women of his race and some of mine... There were comments under the breath and whispers behind the back. I ignored it because their issue isn't mine, but lately I've begun to wonder why it's such an issue for some. Some of my African American friends tried to explain it as a white woman was taking a "good" black man from their own kind... I don't know how I feel about that. To me, men are men and I am not trying to take anyone from anybody. I date who I feel attracted to and connected to, regardless of their race or ethnic background. Sure, I haven't really dated any men in my own race, but if I met one that I connected to and felt attracted to, I would... *sigh* Why can't we all just get along and respect that people like who they like and don't have ulterior motives of stealing something good from another group of people?
I put that as the title because that's where I'm at right now in my single walk. I'm getting to a point where I don't mind being single, where I am beginning to focus on me. Most (no wait, ALL) of my past relationships have been 100% focused on the person that I was with. My first boyfriend (Salim) was generous and kind to me, but knew that I would put myself behind for him. The nameless faces that I dated after him were similar. They saw in me a woman who would give, give, give, so they took, took, took. Sure, they paid for a drink here or a dinner there, but that's not giving... Then came Kelvin, who I thought was giving too... sure, he gave clothes and things but his heart wasn't part of the deal... I gave mine and he took it, took my time, my patience, and my self confidence... but I can't blame him completely because I openly gave it all to him. Then as I began to recover, I met Will and I felt so connected to him... more connected than I've ever felt and so I gave of myself to him and he took and then didn't. He never gave of himself and after a while shut out my giving as well. I don't know what happened there, but it did and now I find myself trying to focus on myself and giving to myself. I know... hurrah!! yah me!!! But here is the monkey wrench in it all. I had been talking to someone before and then lost touch and now that person is trying to be back in my life in a major, romantic way. And while I think he is a nice guy and I am somewhat interested, I just feel a little burned by my choices in the past and I want to go slower (never mind that I am moving to another continent!!!!) in my future. I also just think timing is completely off right now... I've expressed this to him in VERY PLAIN language, but he is determined to stick around.... *sigh* what to do? And so I am left with this... hm..... and that's where I am... hm...
Hi there folks. I don't know if you have noticed, but I have a new little feature at the bottom of my page. It's called a Feedjit. It tells me where my readers are and what entries they have read. I love this feature and find it so interesting to see where people are who are reading my thoughts. On one of my other blogs, I saw that someone went VERY far back into my archives and I began to wonder why and what they thought...
I welcome all manner of readers, whatever their motivation... and I LOVE to see people from all over the place reading my blog entries. I write for a two-fold reason: 1) to journal my experiences and give myself a little therapy while doing it and 2)in the hopes that someone reading will learn something or be able to apply solutions from my mistakes/experiences to their own lives. Oh... I do it because it's fun. But I'd love to know who is reading my blog and what they think!! Please feel free to leave comments and to visit my other blogs:
Teaching Here, There and Everywhere: http://angelamae-internationalteacher.blogspot.com/
Cook It Up!: http://angelamae-cookitup.blogspot.com/
I don't know if you have one (I am almost positive that most people do... with the exception of some of my good friends who seem to radiate sunshine - I love them!!), but I do and she LOVES to come out from time to time. I call her Bitter Betty - she is the one who loves to gripe about every little thing that goes wrong. She is the one who clings to the hard feelings against the ex. She is the one who works in tandem with Negative Nelly (who is all but gone from my life these days, so HA Bitter Betty... your playmate knew when to go!!). Bitter Betty doesn't come out often, but when I look at my finances and realize how much I am still paying for my past relationship with Kelvin, she rears her ugly head (and trust me, she is like Medusa... a pure beast that could turn onlookers into stone). Today Bitter Betty made a visit while I was going over some of my finances for the summer and realizing how little I got paid at my last job and how little I'll be getting at the new one. I am trying to figure out a way to fast track the debt payoff so that I am free of the hassle and Bitter Betty's visits. That can be hard when she is making her appearance. I know I am generally a happy person, but Bitter Betty can be a powerful part of my personality, one I don't like. Negative Nelly is pretty much out of the picture because I chose gratitude over attitude most of the time and I like that. Now, what can the choice be to kick Bitter Betty to the curb with her negative little friend?