Friday, November 20, 2009

Dating Myself

So taking a note from a friend of mine in the midst of her struggle... I decided to take myself out for a date tonight. It is the premier night of the movies New Moon and Blind Side. Both are movies I'd like to see, but I know that New Moon would be NUTS today so I decided to treat my lonely self to a movie. So I got dressed (I had already slipped into house clothes), left the house and walked to the theatre which is just 2 minutes down the road from me. When I got there, there was a HUGE line outside and I figured it was for New Moon (which for the most part it was). I stood out there for about 10 minutes when one of the workers came out and told the line that all tickets for Blind Side were sold out. So there you have it... I can't even date myself! hahaha I think I deserve a glass of wine and some chocolate to cope with that depressing news! hahaha

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

According to You

According to you, I would fall,

But I just ceased to stand tall.

According to you, I would feel love,

But my heart left like a dove.

According to you, a life together would be spent,

But I wonder where that promise went.

According to you, I was all,

But your tales were tall.

As I watched So You Think You Can Dance tonight there was a performance by the guitarist that was meant to perform with Michael Jackson. Her song was titled According to You... and it inspired me, made me look back on my past relationship and this is the best way to sum it up. I hope no one sees bitterness in the words, because there was none, I simply observe the past years with him like this. It makes me a little sad, but I am in such a better place in my life now... :)

Friday, November 13, 2009

Jealousy's Cure

As I mentioned in my previous post, jealousy is an ugly thing and it can make a person ugly if they let it eat at them and make them bitter. As I struggle to figure out who I am, what I really want and how it's all supposed to fit together, I am prone to be jealous of those around me who have what my heart desires... I know that the grass is always greener on the other side and that being married isn't any easier than being single, but what can I say? I am weak at times and fall victim to the jealousy that threatens to consume. As I wrote my earlier post (and this often happens for me), I gained perspective and a calm over me.

In my writing, things often become more clear because in my writing, I release the emotion through my fingers and onto the page or the blog, as the case may be. It is a gift, and I truly believe that. I don't mean to say that I am a good writer, by any means. In fact, I am pretty sure that this is rambling and my organization and grammar aren't that great... but that isn't the point of this blog or of anything I have ever written. I write it for my own personal, self-prescribed therapy and in the hopes that someone reading it will identify with me and perhaps feel better. I also hope that some of the entries are funny enough to evoke a laugh, and most of all, I hope the entries are honest enough to let people see the truth of being single at 34.

Anyway, back to the topic: the cure for jealousy. I really think that the cure for my jealousy was to turn it into something else. It's like worry... the more you worry, the more nervous, upset, anxious, sad etc you get and then you cycle into more worry. But if when that worry begins to come over you, you turn it into positive thoughts and prayers, you will have harnessed it for a better purpose for you and those involved... and so that is how I am approaching my jealousy. When I begin to feel jealous over something that shouldn't matter so much, I will harness those thoughts through positivity and prayer and I will turn them into congratulations and happiness for the ones getting what my heart desires. It won't be easy, but I know it will work.

My other cure, is to go out for a couple drinks with the girls and to just laugh as much as possible. That's what I did tonight and it helped me gain perspective on what is really important. It also helped me to remember that I am the one who has the power to turn those thoughts and feelings into something better. Sure, I need help with it... and I know where my Help comes from... but I know and I believe that it can be done.

SO there is my profound soap box moment... all conjured up in my head over an evening of laughs with good people and a few tasty beers. Life is good, I have no real complaints and nothing to be jealous of because I am BLESSED.

Jealousy is Ugly

No matter which way you look at it, jealousy is ugly... and right now I am feeling jealous. I am jealous of the things I don't have (I know, I am paying much too much attention to the unimportant things around me and need to pay more attention to the important things within me)... and those things include a relationship, a life shared with another, friend's engagements, marriages and families, and happiness. There is no particular reason for me to feel this way, I just get overwhelmed sometime with my own loneliness when I look out and see myself surrounded by happy, busy lives. I know that this means I need to turn my eyes inward and upward and writing about it on here helps me to do that... So thanks for reading, even though it isn't a funny or sarcastic or enjoyable entry. It's just a window into the rawness of my emotions. I am constantly growing, changing and figuring out who I am and writing it on here allows me to release it all. Call it stress management.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

All in a Song...

My friend posted these lyrics to her blog which I have been following. Her experience isn't exactly like mine but close enough. I read her blog and these lyrics by Jordin Sparks and almost fell out on the floor. I am so ready for the love to be equal, but it seems I've got a long way to go... my gullible heart still needs to learn so much about hearing another. Read the lyrics...

-When you told me that I was a star in the sky
Baby, I believed every word
And you seemed so sincere, it was perfectly clear
'Cause forever was all that I heard

And every little kiss from your tender lips
Couldn't have been a lie
I fell heart over head without a safety net
I don't understand it's goodbye

Was I the only one who fell in love?
There never really was the two of us
Maybe my all just wasn't good enough
Was I the only one, only one in love?

As I walk down the hall I see the place on the wall
Where the picture of us used to be
I fight back these tears 'cause I still feel you here
How could you walk out so easily?

And I don't understand how I can feel this pain
And still be alive
And all these broken dreams and all these memories
Are killing me inside

Was I the only one who fell in love?
There never really was the two of us
Maybe my all just wasn't good enough
Was I the only one, only one?

Tell me what I'm supposed to do with all this love
Baby, it was supposed to be the two of us
Help me 'cause I still don't want to believe
I was the only one, I was the only one

I was the only one who fell in love
There never really was the two of us
Maybe my all just wasn't good enough
I was the only one, the only one

I was the only one who fell in love
There never really was the two of us
Maybe my all just wasn't good enough
Was I the only one, the only one in love, oh

When you told me that I was a star in the sky
Baby, I believed every word--

Monday, November 2, 2009

Date 2

So date 2 finally did happen and it was great. We did talk a lot about the silence and how bothersome it is to women in general and me in specifics. I promised to try and be more patient and he promised to try and be more communicative. Hopefully, there will be a third date... he is away for 3 weeks on business, so I'll update you when the time comes... still looking for and loving advice from all my lovely readers and friends.