Tuesday, August 31, 2010

You vs Me

Last night as I was struggling with the crippling heat that would bring no sleep my mind began to form words and make thoughts become sentences. I don't know if this is directed to any one person, but I suspect it is... it came from deep in my mind and it doesn't leave me upset or hurting or anything, just like thoughts that would sit still no longer and so this is how they came:

You vs Me

My eyes are open
to see you.
Yours are shut.

My ears are open
to hear you.
Yours are closed.

My mouth is open
to share with you.
Yours is still.

My arms are open
to embrace you.
Yours hang down.

My heart is open
to love you.
Yours is not.

I haven't sorted this all out yet. The meaning may seem obvious... and I have my suspicions as to where it stems from.... but I know it isn't from all the gunk that I went through with Kelvin... those thoughts would be titled "At Arms Length" if I were to write them in a poem... Anyway, I wanted to share them...

Friday, August 27, 2010

35 + 2

No, no, no... I didn't suddenly jump to being 37 years old. The title comes from the fact that I am gaining perspective (2 days into the whole 35 thing). I don't feel older, I don't look older and being older doesn't freak me out. I guess I just had something else in mind for being 35.

Have you ever thought back to when you were a kid and what you thought you'd do with your life? I do that all the time (yes, I know it's a bit neurotic, but that me... well, with a dose of OCD and stupidity added in it's me!!). I have a very clear memory of being 5 years old and riding the school bus to my Kindergarten class. I remember it was chilly out because I fogged up the window and was doodling. I remember humming softly to myself (I was convinced that I was going to be a singer at that age and we see how well that prediction worked out! hahaha) and thinking about my future. Like most kids, I thought that 20 was old but I also thought I'd probably get married around 25. I thought it'd be later than most people but that I'd be happier if I could live a little more and really get that singing career going before I got married.

I remember turning 25 and laughing at myself. I had no boyfriend or prospects and I just wasn't ready. I remember at 25 thinking that the word marriage and commitment scared the crap outta me! I remember thinking that surely by 30 I'd be ready and HE'd come along.

Then I hit 30 and I wasn't ready for marriage, but I was actively seeking out love and relationships (we know how that usually turns out: Eager Girl + Any Guy = DISASTER for both). But I didn't feel pressured to be married, just pressured to be on a path towards a future of some kind.

Now that I'm 35, I realize that I thought I'd be married by now. Especially after all the marriage discussions that Kelvin and I had... especially after he'd proposed (not a lot of people know about that... it wasn't a formal proposal, he'd asked me tearfully if I would marry him, that he wasn't formally proposing but that he knew I was his forever and he just needed to know that the answer would be yes for when he did get on one knee and ask... and it went downhill from there). I'm finally at a place where not only am I ready for love, I am ready for commitment and I thought those things would be in play by now... Guess my timing isn't always the right timing... Still waiting... but from now on, I'm putting those kiddish thoughts behind me... no age is the right age, it's going to happen when I'm right and HE's right... (HE means the one that I will choose that will choose me right back).

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


Yup, that's right... I am 35 today... the big 3-5. Actually, it's not that big of a deal to me. I absolutely LOVED turning 30 and 35 seems a non-issue except that I am in the middle of my 30s and I don't have all that much to show for it on the personal front... Although, I do have a masters degree, a great job and more travel/life experience than the average joe. I wonder why success in those arenas of life amounts to a hill of beans if your personal life isn't successful? Is it because you have no one to share the successes with? I don't know, I have some of the best friends and family in the business of being friends and family... so it can't be that. They are incredible at sharing my life victories and shouldering my life failures with me... So what is it? Why at 35 do I feel like less of an adult and more of a failure than I did in my 20s even though I have more worldly successes under my belt?

Monday, August 23, 2010

Fighting Me

It's been a while since I've sat down and contemplated my struggle with relationships. During my struggles, I felt like I was alone and the only one. It was only through the therapy of writing this blog that I've seen how many other women in their thirties and beyond struggle like I do. I've been blessed to know that I am not alone. I've had the opportunity to talk with some of these women online, in my comments section, on the phone or in person. It's helped to heal my soul and I hope that this blog can do that for them as well. Today, a VERY good friend of mine began to tell me of her recent relationship struggle and my heart literally began to hurt for her. She and I are a lot alike when it comes to relationships and our shortcomings in them. I began to think about it and looked back through some poems that I wrote and one of them struck me. I am not a good writer by any means, but sometimes the words come how they do and I feel compelled to write them down. Anyway, this poem seems to sum up what happens to me in the world of romance and sometimes to my friend too. It's dedicated to her:

Fighting Me

Shadow-boxing in my heart,
Fighting unseen foes.
Deciding who is right or wrong,
Not realizing it is neither.
Searching for a way
Out of the ring.
Wanting to jump the ropes,
But getting tangled instead.
Turning back to the fight
Covered in the sweat of fear.
Flailing at the air
Fighting only myself.

<3 you LG. Hope we can both stop fighting ourselves and allow things to happen the way that they should.

Friday, August 20, 2010


So, as many of you know, I've had a lot of ups and downs in my dating life lately. I've been using this blog as a way to journal about them, talk about what's going on in my life, reflect on who I am becoming and seek advice from readers (even from strangers... zabe gives good solid advice and encouragement and I don't even know her!!). Lately, I've been so busy adjusting to my new life in Ankara, I just haven't had much time to think about romance etc. Nor have I wanted to. I've been so happy just living my life, laughing out loud often and learning about this place, the people and the language that dwelling on romance has taken a back seat. I never really thought about it until today when I was looking at Will's FB page. I love that we are reconnected as friends and that I can look to his page to find his sage words about God and following the good example set by Jesus. I love seeing his passion for life in general. What I noticed today is that I just felt happy looking at his updates. Previously I had felt a sense of loss because of a failed romance. But today, I just felt happy, happy for him and happy for knowing him as a person. I don't know if it means I am over him or if it means that we will never be or what... but I do know that it felt like a revelation. Gone was the sadness and sense of loss, gone was the longing to be with him. It was replaced with just the simple feeling of happiness and a lot can be said for that feeling. As for my other exes, no, they don't even enter my mind at all... which I feel is a blessing. Seems like Ankara was a good move for me, it's given me the space I so desperately needed to get my head on straight again and to work on being the person I was meant to be all along... a happy, confident, caring soul that shines a bright light onto the world.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Now that I am back in the international scene I'm happier than I ever was in the US. I don't feel like a social dunce for being single at nearly 35 here. Lots of people are my age, just younger, older and so on and are single. International teachers and workers just seem less stressed about timelines for romance than people who are settled in North America. Do I still want to get married some day, for sure!! I absolutely do, but here I don't feel rushed. I feel like my life is meant to be enjoyed and in service to others... and that's a good place to be.

Friday, August 13, 2010

More of Me

Part of knowing yourself is knowing who you come from... I've been taking time to research and find out about that using www.ancestry.ca and I've also been looking at the family that surrounds me. I am so proud of who and where I come from.

My parents are these amazing, strong, kind and good people. They've taught me to stand up for who I am, to laugh at myself from time to time and to strive for the things that I want because I am worth it. They've given me support and love and made me so grateful for who they are. My mother is literally my hero in so many ways. This woman has been through pain that I cannot understand (nor would I want to) and has always emerged stronger, better and more determined. She has a good ear for my issues and has a better mind for sound advice. When I grow up, I hope I can be a little like her (I know, at 34 I should be a grown-up right? So why is it that I still feel like a kid in so many ways?). My dad is my daddy... he is the person that reminds me that I matter. He lets me know that I am the only one just like me and that I am worth taking care of. One day I hope to find a man with the strength of character and positive nature of my father, and when I do, I hope I marry that man.

My extended family... well, let's just saw they are incredible!! They make me laugh more than anyone, they challenge me to think and be better and they support me through good times and bad.

Yes... I am proud of who and where I come from and I know that they are part of what makes me who I am. Learning to be more centered in that will hopefully lead me in the direction of the one person who will love that and me for the lifetime that God has set before me. That's my prayer and my home.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Wisdom from the Magazine Pages

I saw this in a magazine spread with Penelope Cruz... it's her quote and I like it. I think I've spent too much time looking at myself from other people's point of view and only two matter... my own and my God's. Bliss is knowing this!

Knowing Me...

Knowing You... ah ha... (sorry, I just had to go there. I heart ABBA).

Actually, today I was talking to a guy I went out with a little bit and then ended up being better as friends with (I know... never end a sentence like that, but I'm at a loss how to end it, so deal). We were talking about what was new in our lives and all that jazz and as I told him about my single life, I began to realize that I'm happy. I am very happy knowing who I am. I've struggled so much in my past and I've tried so hard to be who the men I've dated wanted me to be that I lost myself along the way. This isn't a new revelation, but it never ceases to amaze me how great it is to come back into my own.

Who am I you ask? Well... I am a tall (5'10"), curvy, pretty (I have good skin... can't help but be pretty with good skin, right?!), funny, smart, overly nosy, caring, loving, God fearing and adoring, analytical (sometimes a little too analytical) woman who believes in her God and herself. I know that good things are coming my way, I know that blessing are made for me already, I know that love is out there for me and that happiness is there too. I don't have to wonder about those things. I also know that dark days will be ahead too and that a testing of my faith and emotional strength is on the horizon... but I'm not afraid (after Kelvin I was terrified to let myself love again or to be vulnerable to love... I couldn't risk being hurt again), I know I can survive the hurt.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that and that I am liking getting to know me!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Trees Tell It All

Have you ever really and truly looked at a tree and it's roots? The other day I was helping out my parents with some of their gardening. My mom is all of 5'3" tall and she doesn't like any of her trees to be too much taller than her. This always gets a giggle out of me, but once I helped her trim all the tall and wacky branches off and once I took off all the dead branches and leaves I understood why. The tree looked healthy and pretty. It looked neat and in control, and the whole yard seemed to look better. After I was done, I began to think about trees as a symbol for people... I began to see that we are so alike. We are rooted just as they are, but the soil that roots us is our family, friends and experiences. We grow, just as they do, up and sometimes out if we aren't careful. We need sunlight, food, air and water just as they do (although they do make their own food). And when conditions are right, we blossom and bloom just as they do (we can even do it yearly or more than once a year, aren't we lucky?!).

Then I began to think of which tree would best represent me... and I thought of the bonsai. Sure, I am 5'10" tall, so I am not like the tiny tree in that respect but in so many others I am. I am not rooted deeply in a large ground of soil... I am in a pot that can easily be transported... this is like my life because I work internationally and never stay anywhere too long. My life is portable, but my soil is RICH in nutrients so that I grow appropriately. This represents my family and friends, while I am not surrounded by the whole woods, I am surrounded by the richest of experiences and the most supportive and loving of family and friends. My roots are tightly wound in wire so that they don't get out of control, they are gnarled around each other and this is like me too... I am held tight by those I love so that I can know the bounds of that love and I appreciate it so deeply. Like the bonsai, I grow but I grow mostly because my gardener allows it. I deeply believe in the hand of God on my life, He is my gardener. And like the human who cares for the bonsai, he takes extra special care with me. I need just the right amount of light to keep me strong but to stop me from burning. I need just the right amount of water to help me stay well but to keep me from drowning. I need to be pruned often so that I don't get out of control... and when I look at my experiences and past relationships and their failures, I know that it was a time of pruning and nourishing. The tree tells it all.