Monday, June 28, 2010


So this song has been on the radio for a while and I like it a lot. I like what it has to say about wanting that person even though you promised yourself you were walking away. I know that feeling well. However, I don't always get to enjoy the end result that is shown in the video...

But the line that resonates most with me is the line "I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." And as much as I dislike hurting, I know that if I feel something, I am truly alive. I am also willing to risk the hurt for the chance to find real love.

This is my first time trying to add a video link... hope it works!! :)

Saturday, June 26, 2010


... is the best policy, no? Isn't that what we were taught all our lives? Isn't it a cornerstone of society? And yet, why do some have such a hard time following it?
I was just talking with a good friend and we were sharing our love stories of late and the overwhelming underlying theme is honesty (or lack of it) and communication (or the lack of it). Why is it so hard for a man to admit that he needs time or that he sees a relationship as nothing more than casual or that he doesn't care as much as he knows you want him to or that he's scared of the situation he is in?!
I understand that women are much better at communicating. I understand that we feel the need to express our emotions when most men don't. I understand that, but I still don't "get" it all. We were talking about how women are capable of dealing with a lot, but not knowing creates a craziness in us. And that it's cruel when a man that you are involved with won't let you know what's going on... no matter the situation. *sigh*

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


So today was the final day in W-burg before my parents arrive and I have to pack everything up and move. It was the last chance to see that guy I was sorta-kinda-I-don't-know seeing and I called him and then he called back. It was nice to hear his voice but it was so awkward, it was cold. When I told him that it sucks to tell him good bye over the phone instead of in person and then I told him that the saddest part, the shittiest part is that I never got to know where he was at. His response what that it wasn't going to change anything now, so why bother. I told him it might not change me leaving but that it would help me, give me peace of mind. Even if it turned out that all he saw was a more casual dating situation, at least I'd know. His response? "You have peace of mind, you are leaving." I told him I was leaving because I had NO peace of mind and that I deserve it... don't I deserve to just know?! He got too uncomfortable and hung up... It hurt, more than I expected it to. So I wrote him a quick email, apologising for making him uncomfortable and for severing all contact, but I just can't. I don't want to be his friend only... it's not enough for me. I have lots and lots of wonderful, godly friends... what I am seeking is a wonderful and godly man to share my life with.... Am I wrong?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


So lately, and maybe I am being overly sensitive but I don't think so, I've been called Mrs. a lot. It happens lots of times with the students or the parents of students, but I kind of expect that. First of all, 90% of kids think that women over 18 are old and therefore must be married. I don't know how they equate old with being married, but it seems to be the case for the most part. So that's been happening to me since I was a student teacher and I am over that and trying to tell them that Mrs. C is my mom and I am just Miss C. As for the parents, somewhere along the line, it's gotten in to the heads of most adults that female teachers are married. Most of them realize their mistake right after the Mrs. is out of their mouth and I always laugh and let it go. In the school setting it doesn't really bother me that much. Other teachers and several principals have dropped the Mrs. in front of my name as well. Never seemed to make me notice all that much.

However, lately, it's been happening everywhere I go. When I hand over a credit card the server returns it with a "Here you are Mrs. C" and I am often too shocked to respond. Then the banker who was helping me close my account (where it clearly states that I am single on the information sheet) called me a Mrs. C the other day. I, again, was too shocked to respond. And then today as I was picking up my vehicle from having its oil changed the girl behind the counter said "Mrs. C, your car is ready." I was shocked, but I did respond... I said, "Not a Mrs. yet, still haven't found the Mr. special enough to make that happen. hahaha It's just Miss." I think I shocked her. At first she did a double take of my face (I did look a little ragged this morning having just begun the true recovery from the flu) as if to assure herself that I was really as old as I am. Then she smiled and said, no rush dear. hahahaha

I guess I am at the age now, where it's more expected and assumed that I MUST be married. Well, guess what world?! SURPRISE!! Not all 30-somethings are married yet. Some of us are still holding out for the best there is, or the best there is for us just hasn't stepped in our paths yet. And initially we don't feel like there is such a rush except that the rest of the world seems to want to rush us into that space of feeling rushed with all the Mrs. this and Mrs. that, or the odd looks when they put together the age and the single status. *sigh* Dear society, LAY OFF!! Let's let God do His work and stop making people fuss about it all... it would be a lot easier on the single people of the world and you might have a few less frazzled single women if they didn't feel the societal pressure to hurry-up-and-no-pressure-how-old-are-you-anyway-get-married already!!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Knowing When...

So, sometimes the hardest thing in a relationship is knowing when to let go. And that goes for all relationships: friendships, acquaintances, family relationships and dating relationships. It also happens to be a real weakness in me. I never seem to know when to let go. It's like a double-edged sword in a way. I am a giver in a relationship of just about any kind, I give and give and give. And it's not that I expect things in return necessarily, but I don't know how to let go once I've invested so much of myself mentally, physically, emotionally, financially or whatever the case may be, so eventually I get hurt. So, while I don't regret being a giver, I just wish I was better able to read the signs of when to let go of the relationship. Either that or I knew better which relationships to invest myself so fully into. Like I've said in past posts, I don't know how to love a little at a time or halfway, so I invest all of myself into every relationship I am in and then I get hurt. Perhaps it's just too intense for most people, and I get that, but I don't know how else to be. So, today, my prayer in being single is to have more wisdom and discernment in which relationships to get involved in and which ones to let go of.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Bath Time Breakdowns

No, no, no... it's not what you are thinking. I did not have another emotional, self-pitying, woe-is-me-single-girl breakdown. When I take a bath, I usually read something that will challenge my mind. I do this because the bath is like my sensory deprivation chamber. I fill the tub up past the little safety drain so that I am laying there in a warm bubble of floaty safeness. And then I can relax and be completely open to whatever the book has to offer me. Right now my bath time book is He Still Moves Stones, by Max Lucado. Lucado is my favourite Christian author because he doesn't mince words, he just tells it like it is. He makes Jesus the guy you know instead of the guy in the Bible from so long ago.
Anyway, today I was reading the chapter called: Read the Story: When Others Let You Down. I know, sounds right up my self-pitying alley. hahaha But it was centered around Luke 24:13-35, the story of the two disciples who are walking towards Emmaus. They are so full of heartbreak, sorrow and disappointment that they don't even notice that Jesus is walking next to them. As I read Mr. Lucado's take on it, my eyes were opened wide to my own heart. I want to quote a small passage that literally turned me into a bath time blubberer:
As they walk, a stranger comes up behind them. It is Jesus, but they don't recognize him. Disappointment will do that for you. It will blind you to the very presence of God. Discouragement turns our eyes inward. God could be walking next to us, but despair clouds our vision.
Despair does something else. Not only does it cloud our vision, it hardens our hearts. We get cynical. We get calloused. And when good news comes, we don't want to accept it for fear of being disappointed again.

And for those of you who truly know me and even those of you don't but have been following me on this blog, this is me. I've let the disappointment cloud my vision for who God is and where His blessings are in my life. I don't want to see the blessings, because the last blessing I put so much hope in turned out not to be a blessing. My despair at the loss of that truly made me turn my eyes inward and become cynical and calloused. But thankfully, God is good to me and has walked beside me, patiently waiting for me to see Him.

Tonight I saw Him and recognized my clouded vision. I hope that I don't miss the blessings in my life and I hope I can swallow that disappointment (or at least let it go) so that I don't fear the blessings and good news that is to come in my life. I say this because I am a little afraid that I might have done so already. I've met the most wonderful of men (not counting his communication issues...hehe) and yet, I am running away to Turkey. Is it because I was too afraid that this blessing would also be taken from me? Is it because I am afraid to fail? Is it because it's not the blessing God has set aside for me? I suppose time will tell, but I do know that my heart is truly open now. I am so ready to be blessed by God so that I can bless others fully and completely... no more cynical heart, no more hard heart, no more self-pity and doubt.

Thursday, June 10, 2010


... is deafening. Have you ever noticed that sometimes, particularly in relationships, silence is the loudest sound? It carries with it all the things you don't want to hear. It carries with it all your fears. It leaves you to the worry and the worst that your brain and heart can devise. I always hate when people say that no news (silence) is good news. How can this be? Isn't it much better to know how things are going?
The reason I write this is because the person I was (or am... who knows?!) seeing (sorta, I guess, I don't really know) is not very good at communicating. He doesn't seem to get that the silence makes me feel deaf to what is going on between us. I am a communicator and need to speak my feelings and mind and I need to hear it from others. He knows what I am feeling but never responds unless I make an assumption (I know, I know... Ass... U... me.... I get it) that he doesn't want to be with me. Then I'm told that I am reading too much into things or that I just don't get it... really?!?! Doesn't the silence teach me that I am not important enough for your words? Doesn't the silence teach me that I am not on your mind? Doesn't the silence teach me that this "relationship" really isn't there? *sigh* I don't know what to think, but I do know what I feel and that is that the silence is deafening.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Too Much...

Perhaps I am too much sometimes. As I explained to the guy I really like, I just don't know how to fall in love a little at a time, or to stop halfway. I am an all or nothing kind of girl, and some people find that too much. I commit fully to whatever it is that I am doing. So if I find something funny, I commit to laughing wholeheartedly (and for those of you that know me, that's pretty loud). I don't really know how to snicker quietly in the corner or how to laugh softly. I throw my head back, open my mouth and let out a good, loud laugh (which my ex told me was too loud for him... guess I was too much for him, meh). I am that way in like and love... I go in with both feet. Now, I tend to think that this is a quirky, but endearing trait. However, I am getting the idea these days that most men don't feel the same. Perhaps they are intimidated by my full embrace of things in my life (funny, sad, angry, loving, amusing, whatever life throws at me), or perhaps it is a turn off. I don't really know... but today as I was laughing out loud with a couple of friends over silly stories of living in a foreign land, I thought about it. Perhaps it's too much... and that's okay. I don't mind being too much if it means that I am living life to the fullest. One thing I know I will never do again in a relationship is tailor myself just to the needs of the other person and thereby lose myself in the process. I am all about making compromises and sacrifices to serve the one I am with, but I will not alter the essence of who I am... and being less than too much would be doing that.