Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Facing the Truth

So today I got a call from the guy that I've seen a few times and that I really like. He was sweet, funny, flirty and reaffirmed why I like him so much. But he is also the guy that used the excuse that I am a foreigner as a reason not to pursue me further... he is also the guy that doesn't call or email or anything for weeks on end and thinks that is okay. During the phone call it came up and he talked about my decision to move to Turkey as the reason why we weren't together. At that moment, the truth reared it's ugly head at me and at him. As I began telling him about my decision to leave the US, the reality hit me: I am running away from being lonely. At least if I start somewhere new, I'm lonely because I am new there. But if I stay here and keep things going with him... I just get to be lonely. I can't stand to be lonely anymore... so I just keep running.
There, the truth is out... in print, for everyone to read. *sigh* And as the truth can, it hurts. But as it can, it will also heal hopefully.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Road Running

So I've taken up running this year. I've dabbled in it before but this year, I've decided to make it one of my sports. I've really come to enjoy it and I hate missing days of running for any reason. Today I went out for a longer run (for me anyway, I am still shamefully slow) along the roadside. The reason this appears in this blog is because this is when I seem to get the most action! hahahaha Several men gave me long looks and nods out of their cars, I even had a public transport driver stare me down, and there was a few catcalls too. I don't dress cute when I run (or jog as the case may be), I am sweaty and a full on mess, but it seems to work for me. hahaha I don't get it, but it makes me feel like a star out there in the roads.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Ripple Effect

When does it end?!?!?! My break up with Kelvin was like a giant rock in a very still pond and the ripple effect is still going on almost a year later. I am leaving the US, a place I never would have wanted to live except for the fact that the man I was in love with asked me to come here, and it is going to cost me a lot because I have to re-import my car to Canada (after importing it here). It's just a big mess and it kills me... I took a $10,000 pay cut to come here, I haven't received hardly any professional development in my job so that is like a loss of $500 a year, I've had to shell out about $500+ a year in supplies for my classroom because I teach in a public school, I paid around $10,000 in moving here, bought a car that I wouldn't have bought if I didn't honour his request to move here... And the ripple keeps going and going and going... When does it end?!?!?!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Now, that's a man!!

Have you ever watched the show, Kendra? Don't judge me people. When you don't have a social life, you get sucked into the lives of people as presented to you on reality TV. So, anyway, have you ever watched it? I got sucked in last season when she met and married Hank Baskett (he plays football professionally). I loved their story and how they handled life together. I particularly love Kendra's laugh and all her goofiness.
However, this season has started and a lot of it has been to do with their adorable little baby and being a new family. The last two episodes (which were the first ones of the season) had me in tears. Not because I was jealous of them or pitying myself, but because there was something beautiful there. Kendra has really been struggling with her image and losing the baby weight. She comes from an industry that is driven by sexiness and the visual image you present (modeling) and has had a hard time with the weight gain etc. She is emotional and not feeling very sexy etc. It's been good for me (a chubby girl) to see that she is understanding how living in a bigger body isn't fun (now, I still think I am beautiful and sexy and I am losing weight all the time).
But the best part was the way that Hank has dealt with it. His love for Kendra is real and he uses words, actions and touch to reassure her, comfort her and make her understand that she is all he needs. Seeing that reaffirms to me that those guys are out there. Maybe they are a rare breed, but they certainly aren't just the invention of Hollywood as I was beginning to believe them to be. So thanks, Kendra, thanks for sharing your insecurities, but also the truth of what real love looks like and what a REAL MAN looks like!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Question du Jour

SO lately, all my single, married or otherwise friends have been asking me if I want kids. To be honest, I love children. I love them more than life itself. I have dedicated my life to children and to bettering their lives. But to have my own, I don't know. I have never really thought that babies were great. I'll be honest. They are cute, they are beautiful, they are entertaining but I don't want to birth one or even hold one for more than a few minutes at a time. Do I think I'd be a great mom? ABSOLUTELY!!! I know that I would. I would have fears of course, but I know that overall I would be great at it. I was raised by a great mom, so I know I could do it. It's why guys with kids from previous marriages don't scare me, but being pregnant and birthing a child scares me senseless.... I guess at 34, I am at the age where clocks should be ticking and the switch to desperately desiring babies should be ticking... but it just isn't... *sigh* another abnormal part of me, I guess.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Be BOLD!!!!

Something I am not is timid. I don't have it in me to sit back and let life pass me by. I am not a passive person (although I've learned to be passive aggressive in relationships - especially the past serious one, because I was so afraid to say what I meant for fear that it would drive him off, hahahaha). I don't like confrontation but I don't fear it either. The reason I say all these things is because when I get into a relationship or when I date a guy or when I even meet a guy who really interests me, I lose that part of myself. I become the ultimate pleaser. All I want to do at that point is make sure that the other person is happy, even if it is at my expense. And I don't know where I got that from, my parents aren't like that... I don't see that in all the relationships around me. Instead I see a healthy respect for the other person's wants and needs. I see give and take, I see love in the reality of both people being who they are entirely. I like that. And so, I've decided to be who I am always and if the person I meet, date or am in a relationship with can't handle it or doesn't like it... so be it!
Now, I know this sounds silly, but the way I expressed this return to self was while I was away at a professional development conference. I was myself the entire time, it was wonderful. One night, my colleague and I went out for dinner and the VERY attractive waiter was very flirtatious (which is also part of my nature, so I flirted right back). I was having a ball, making good eye contact, laughing, joking and just generally having a good time. I also caught him looking at me a time or two and so on. So, in my bold nature, I decided to leave him a little note with the cheque and my number. My co-worker (who is younger and shyer) was shocked and a little appalled, but I did it anyway. And wouldn't you know, he texted me the very next day with a very flattering text and to respectfully let me know that he was currently seeing someone else. I told him that I appreciated both the compliment and the respect he was giving his lady... it was great! I knew the attraction was real and he respected me and his lady enough to be sweet and honest. See... being my BOLD self, has it's benefits!

The Young 'un

So I finally met with the significantly younger man. He was respectful, funny, kind, sweet and very handsome. AND in a totally different place in life than I am (which is fine). It was really great to spend time with him and I do hope to see him again, but won't worry if I don't. Finally, I'm not automatically attached to the guys that I see. It's hard for me because I tend to feel connected to people and I want to keep the connection live and popping, but a lot of times it just isn't right and I need to be okay with going with the flow instead of trying to push the flow in the directions I think it should go... and I think spending time with this younger man helped me to see that it's okay to just go with the flow and to take days as they come. So, thanks young'un.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Letting Go...

For the last two weeks at my church, they have been talking about how God wants to do a new thing in His people. Last week, I was really touched by the message that all things are possible for God and all we need to do is trust in that. I found myself realizing that I had stopped trusting in that. I had stopped believing that all things are possible for me because of the God that I believe in, I started believing that none of the things that I wanted for my life would be possible. But I got the kick in the tush that I needed when I didn't even know I needed it. I realized last week that having faith is such a small key to receiving the blessings that are out there for me. So, I've been working on that faith a little.
This week the message continued with the idea of letting go. It comes from the verse that talks about not putting new wine in old wine skins because they would burst, they can't handle the newness of it all. And the connection was that if we want God to do a new thing in us, we have to release the old, get rid of it, so that we can handle the newness. The pastor gave the analogy that you don't go into a car dealer and buy a new car and then demand that your old tires and muffler system from your old car be put on the new. There shouldn't be the old connected to the new, the old must be released. And so I am working on that in a more tangible way. I still have some of the gifts that Kelvin gave me during our relationship and I feel like having them around me keeps the old around so the new can't be allowed in. So in an effort to make room for the new things and people that God will bring into my life, I am getting rid of the old. I was even courteous enough to email Kelvin to see if he wanted some of the items (some he had expressed in the past that he loved and would have wanted for his own house). He replied with a short "no thanks and good luck to you." email, which was fine. At least I know that I took the high road and I can get rid of them without feeling guilty that I didn't first see if he wanted them. So I am getting rid of the old, a cleansing you might say... I am ready for the new that God has for me and I feel like I am making wonderful big steps forward... God is so good to me.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Mr. Right, Mr. Good Enough, Mr. Wrong

Okay... I think people have the wrong idea of what I want in a man. Yes, I made a man combo... aka the fantasy man. But seriously, could no one see that it was a lot tongue in cheek?! I love all the good things about the men of my past and I even loved some of the faults that they had. So I think that when I am searching for the next man in my life, I am not looking for Prince Charming. I am not so niave to think that that person exists, I know he doesn't. My only uncompromising things are that he is a Christian, that he is kind and that he makes me laugh. After that, all the rest is bonus. With my last boyfriend who turned out to be Mr. Wrong, I told him that I loved all of him: the man he was, the man he wasn't and the man he was striving to be. I accepted his faults as part of who he was and I took my faults to heart and worked hard to be a better person for him. I was hurt and humiliated by him but I often forgave him and moved forward with him, knowing that he wasn't perfect, but at the time I believe he was my Mr. Right. I was wrong and am still healing from that (so please forgive me for having a bit of a wall up still, I need to guard and protect my heart better than I do).
As for settling for Mr. Good Enough, I just can't. I mean, sure, I could... there is a Mr. Good Enough chasing me in my life right now, but he doesn't make me laugh, I feel no passion for him and mostly he just annoys me... so is that what I should take? Is that good enough for a life time?! I just don't know.
So forgive me readers and friends, but I am going to wait around for good enough, I am going to find Mr. Right (with all his faults, failings and successes).

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Younger, Older, Same?

Here is the question I have been contemplating (among many others): Should age matter? My last boyfriend was 6 years older than me, but we had so much in common that it never seemed to be an issue for me (at one point his age became an issue for him - he got ready to hit the big 4 0 and was a little stressed by it). Before that I had dated some guys that were right around my age and that seemed fine as well. I also dated a couple of guys that were younger than me to varying degrees and sometimes it bothered me and sometimes it didn't. However, now I am in my mid-thirties and have been approached more frequently by younger guys and feel a little wary of it. So I am again seeking your thoughts on it all. Is there an age difference that is NOT acceptable (I understand that a teenager would be gross, but I mean what do you think a cut off should be... how many years younger or older?)? I am ready, open and excited to hear your arguments and preferences for age differences etc. I don't want to be an ageist in this new search for the ONE that is set aside for me... and as I was challenged by an anonymous reader (see the comments in my last post), I want to be sure I am keeping my eyes, heart and mind open so that I don't miss this guy because I am too busy making lists of what I want. Thanks anonymous reader... I love the honesty! :)