Monday, September 19, 2011

Fools Rush In

And that would be me... I am a fool. A fool to blindly believe and trust, a fool to listen even. There was a lovely guy that I dated last year. I really liked him and I thought it was mutual. We spent good times together, hung out together, even met and hung out with each other's friends and then he just disappeared. Later I came to find out that he had been through some pretty yucky, stinky things in his life and his ex re-appeared and they reconnected. They got engaged and then he returned into my life wanting to explain. I listened, I cried for the bad things that had happened to him and I was sad that I lost out. Funny thing is that he continued to talk to me and not always in the way one does to a friend. I tried not to get my hopes up until this summer when we talked and he told me he had broken up with her and wanted to see me again. Messy, I know... but I've already given the disclaimer that I am a fool... So we talked about meeting up again once we were both back in country. He said he would be out of touch for a little while due to some new business things etc but that I could email him. I did and then never heard back (sound familiar... yea, I know). So I talked to a mutual friend who said he was here and engaged again to that woman again... Yup... played for a fool... AGAIN. But I really have no one to blame but myself. I know what I should do... I've read the books, given the advice and read all the blogs (I've even read my own blogs again to try and learn from my bad choices and mistakes)... so I know. I know I shouldn't blindly believe. I know I shouldn't trust from the onset, but it's like it is ingrained in my make up. I can't help myself... I just want to love and be loved. I just want to believe that the interest is real. *sigh* Guess I just need more time alone to figure it out. And I think I need to be more vigilant about following the advice so that I can stop looking like and feeling like the fool.

Saturday, September 17, 2011


So last week I struggled with feeling like a second choice sally... this week, I've come to realise (and I think I did then too... at least after I wrote the blog entry and had a little time to reflect and become more rational) that I am in control of how I feel and what I feel. I went out again and the same guy was out with my friends and I decided that regardless, I was going to have fun. That was my intention for the evening and that is how I played it out. I went, enjoyed a wonderful dinner with some ladies and then went out dancing with a big group. I kept my focus on enjoying my time and enjoying the time spent with friends. As I am in a state of limbo, I really have no business getting all caught up in flirtations and liking some random guy. And you know what?! I had the best time... chatted with the guy a little and seemed to have struck a balance of normalcy and friendship. What a great night of laughing and dancing... just what I needed.
Lesson learned... regardless of what others do and what my expectations are for an evening... I am the ONLY on who can control how I react and how I intentionally go about enjoying myself. Ah... nice to move back in the direction of becoming the woman I was always intended to be!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

WORST Pick Up Lines

So I just got back from a little jaunt around Holland and Belgium. Both countries were amazing and gorgeous places to be. They were the kind of places where I paid more attention to how I looked and presented myself, something that helps me to feel better about myself. It also helped that I got plenty of appreciative glances and a few pick-up lines tossed my way in the streets (not even at a bar... so different from my previous experiences).

Anyway, as I was walking around Amsterdam one day and a man was throwing me those appreciative glances... then he began to follow me... and then he said, "You got nice back." *sigh* REALLY?!?!?! Puhahahahaha....

What's your worst pick up line?

Second Choice Sally

That's what I feel like sometimes. I know that I am beautiful. I know that I am smart. I know that I am funny. I know that I am even sexy. I know that I am faithful. I know that I am honest. I know that I am trustworthy. I know that I am a GREAT catch... but sometimes I don't feel like it. At 36, it's hard to feel like all of those things when you go out with friends and every guy is only looking at them.
The other night I was out with friends. I was having a great time (and overall did have a great time all night). We were having drinks and dancing. It was so much fun. There were cute boys everywhere and they even flirted with me a bit. And, I'm in a state of limbo in my life right now, so being flirted with is more than enough to ask for, to be honest. So I was in my glory, feeling beautiful and all those things I mentioned. Then my friends began to get all the attention.
Later as I looked at how I felt bad at the end of the night, I began to realize that I was feeling like a second-choice-Sally. I began to feel like I was the one that was good enough to flirt and dance with as long as another girl wasn't around. It was a horrible, insecure moment for me. I've been battling my self-esteem most of my life and thought I'd made great gains (and maybe I have and it was just a low point. Who knows?). Of course it didn't help that one friend continued to pursue a pretty heavy flirtation with a guy I had told her that I was interested in. But I guess he wasn't interested as he was pretty much glued to her on the floor. Oh well...