Anyway, today I was reading the chapter called: Read the Story: When Others Let You Down. I know, sounds right up my self-pitying alley. hahaha But it was centered around Luke 24:13-35, the story of the two disciples who are walking towards Emmaus. They are so full of heartbreak, sorrow and disappointment that they don't even notice that Jesus is walking next to them. As I read Mr. Lucado's take on it, my eyes were opened wide to my own heart. I want to quote a small passage that literally turned me into a bath time blubberer:
As they walk, a stranger comes up behind them. It is Jesus, but they don't recognize him. Disappointment will do that for you. It will blind you to the very presence of God. Discouragement turns our eyes inward. God could be walking next to us, but despair clouds our vision.
Despair does something else. Not only does it cloud our vision, it hardens our hearts. We get cynical. We get calloused. And when good news comes, we don't want to accept it for fear of being disappointed again.
And for those of you who truly know me and even those of you don't but have been following me on this blog, this is me. I've let the disappointment cloud my vision for who God is and where His blessings are in my life. I don't want to see the blessings, because the last blessing I put so much hope in turned out not to be a blessing. My despair at the loss of that truly made me turn my eyes inward and become cynical and calloused. But thankfully, God is good to me and has walked beside me, patiently waiting for me to see Him.
Tonight I saw Him and recognized my clouded vision. I hope that I don't miss the blessings in my life and I hope I can swallow that disappointment (or at least let it go) so that I don't fear the blessings and good news that is to come in my life. I say this because I am a little afraid that I might have done so already. I've met the most wonderful of men (not counting his communication issues...hehe) and yet, I am running away to Turkey. Is it because I was too afraid that this blessing would also be taken from me? Is it because I am afraid to fail? Is it because it's not the blessing God has set aside for me? I suppose time will tell, but I do know that my heart is truly open now. I am so ready to be blessed by God so that I can bless others fully and completely... no more cynical heart, no more hard heart, no more self-pity and doubt.