Sunday, August 30, 2009

Choosing Love

I think one of the things that I reminded of as I talk to my wonderful parents (who will be married for 43 years in November), as I talk to my wonderful friends (both the married ones and the single ones) and as I look at my past relationships etc is that love is a choice. Every day, every hour, every minute. When you wake up and see that person laying next to you (messy or gorgeous), you have to decide that for this day, this hour, this minute you will love them. And you have to continue to make that choice all throughout that day, that hour, that minute. And then when you lay down next to that person at night (or in your own bed but still in the relationship) you have to choose again to love that person through the night, the hour, the minute.
The only problem is that you can't be sure that the person you are choosing to love is choosing to love you back. Tricky thing this love, isn't it? I just wanted people to know that love is an emotion but in a relationship it is a CHOICE. I hope that all my readers choose love at some point and are chosen in love by your choice.

Best Things...

Okay, enough wallowing in the downfalls of being single for the moment. You all know I will get back to that sometime soon I am sure (especially since I am trying to start dating again... I know, I know, it is crazy soon... but I am 34 and not keen to just wait around for "the one" to drop out of the sky).
Anyway, I decided to write about some of the best things about being single in today's entry (although, I would probably do these things in a relationship too... well some of them, I'll put a * next to those ones... hahaha). So here is my list:

1. Getting up and doing as I please (no checking with the significant other to make sure I am not stepping on their toes or screwing up their plans for the day)

2. Spa Days in the home.* I usually take one day in the weekend and really treat myself nice. I wake up when I am good and ready, I lounge around in PJs for a while having breakfast and coffee, then a super long shower with lots of soap, bubbles, exfoliating and singing in the shower, then maybe a mask for the face, a delicious leisurely lunch while lounging around braless(the braless thing is key for a spoiling me day), reading a book and generally relaxing. Sounds good right? ;)

3. Reading in bed.* It's just nice to leave the light on and get lost in a book for as long as I like.

Okay... I need to add to this list later... I've gotten distracted by phone calls from my parents, text messages and chitchat with my roommate. Well, that and my grumbling tummy. hehehe

Feel free to add your own best things about being single... Oh!! I forgot the picking up and traveling or moving when I want! hahaha that is number 4!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Just Words

Okay single ladies (and gents)... I need to talk about the power of words. To me, words carry a heavy weight and power to them. They have the power to lift a spirit or to crush it. They have the power to enlighten a mind or to darken it. They have the power to give joy and to steal it. There is no wonder that the Bible says that the tongue is sharp because of the words that it can send out into the world from the heart. And I do believe that while the mind tells the mouth and tongue what to do in order to get the sounds out in an orderly and understandable (well, sometimes orderly and often times not understandable) manner, it is the heart that comes up with what to say (I know, I know scientists in the crowd... the heart is the mind, just a different centre of synapses). So I guess that is why words have so much power. They come from the heart, they come from the core of who you are. Even when you are lying...there is a little truth there. Isn't that what a lie is: twisted truth? And I believe that truth is the essence of who you are, so lie or not, you are in your words.
So, with that understanding, or my understanding of what words are, I begin to wonder why people are often so careless with them. I know I have been careless a time or two with my words as well. I have often let the anger in my heart escape my lips instead of taking time to calm my heart and capture my thoughts so that I can speak from my heart in a way that doesn't negatively impact others. But I think that is part of the human condition, to make those kinds of mistakes and to learn from them. I am a work in progress in every aspect of my life and I love to learn so I think I am in the best position to be better in all manners of being. But I begin to wonder about others.
Recently, I have come to find out that my past relationship was built on twisted truths. I thought that the love that was expressed from his mouth was truth but it was lie. I thought that the commitment that was spoken from his mouth (he had told me, my family and my friends how much he loved me, that he wanted to spend his life with me and that he wanted to marry me specifically) were truth, but they were not, they were also lies. As he put it, "I know I said words of commitment before, but they were just words and that is all." JUST WORDS?! But words have power and carry weight. Words come from your heart... don't they? Is it different for men and women? For men, are words just things you have to toss around regardless? Or do they also believe in the power of words? I am sure that many men do believe in the power of words and I believed that I had found one, but found out two years later that I was wrong.
Lesson for the single: Words are beautiful and ugly at the same time. Guard your heart and mind from the ugly and seek the beautiful. And if you figure out how to do that... let me know.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Screw Hollywood

Okay... here is my thought. I really do not have patience for Hollywood anymore. I've loaded this blog with movie posters that have helped to feed the lie fed to men and women all over the world. Hollywood wants us to believe that love falls out of the sky and just clicks. But that is not the way it happens, nor is it the way it should happen. Love, and all other good things in life, take work. And that is a good thing. It doesn't just happen overnight, you don't fall in love over a random email, or laying in a closet with your favourite shoes, or with a time traveler, or over a few memories of subway rides and drunken moments, or with random strangers on the street.... sure it makes for a nice story and some good drama, but it is not reality. But us single women out there (and probably some men) start believing the stories and thinking that that kind of spontaneous, crazy love is available for all... but it isn't. It is make believe... I am guilty of getting caught up in it.... it's time to put those stories in their place, with Cinderella and the rest of them.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


You know that scene in Bambi, when Thumper said "Kinda wobbly, isn' t he?" Well that is how I feel in my newly (and chronic) single status. I feel like my legs are brand new and that they don't work very well at the moment. I feel like it is shear will power that is keeping my feet under me most days and I am scared most of the time because of the fact that this new, wobbly legs of mine could just slip out from under me at any time and leave me hurt and crumpled on the floor below me. But, while the fear of reoccuring pain is strong, so is the will to stand tall and straight on my own again. I know that even in all this fear and wobbliness, there is something positive and wonderful too. There is a newness which is awesome, like the colors of the world are different now (maybe not brighter, but new somehow) and there are adventures waiting for me when I am strong enough and ready to embark on them. There is also something positive in the strength that is building in these new single legs as I take baby Bambi steps forward. So while the fear and pain sometimes consumes me, the strength and newness keeps me going forward one wobbly step at a time. (and to those Thumpers in my life, you know...the ones that help me get back on my wobbly legs when I slip on the ice... thank you!)

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Getting Back To ME!!

Part of embracing this single life that I find myself in is finding a way back to myself. I am generally a happy and fun loving person who will walk to the ends of the earth for the people she loves. But in heartbreak, I find that I struggle to know any of that side of myself. Instead, I get stuck in the sad, frustrated and angry side of me... a side I don't like and would rather that people not meet until they know the real me a lot better. So part of getting back to me means making changes and embracing the change iny life. One on the things that tends to change is my furniture arrangement in my bedroom (I don't want memories of it the way it was when it was shared in any way with another) and the other is to change something about my appearance and that tends to be my hair. Before the break-up my hair was long, down to the middle of my back. I'd say it was luxurious, but that would be a lie... hahaha It was just long and in the humidity or rain it has a puffy yet stringy appearance that is in no way appealing. So a time for change was coming anyway and then the break up happened (I should be clear and say that I was the one doing the breaking up since the ex couldn't seem to decide after 2 years of being together if the timing was right to move forward - I'd already moved my life halfway across the world for him and heard numerous confessions of love and the guarantee of a solid future together at this point but was seeing no actions to match the words), so it was as good a time as any to chop the locks and begin again with life. I like the new hair. It suits the side of me that I love... the fun, flippant, silly, cute side of me. :) I hope you like it too!!

Lumpy Throats

When do the lumps in your throat go away when you return to your single life? I get them seeing a slightly sappy commercial or TV show, I get them when I see other couples (whether I know them or not), I get them looking at old pictures, I get them when I talk to my closest friends about what is happening in my life right now (which is why I haven't talked to some of you), I get them when I open my email and he has sent me an innocent message, I get them when I wake up in the morning and when I go to bed at night... *sigh* I just want to know how to cure the lumpy throat syndrome. I don't mind having it when I see a sad movie or when something really bad or super touching happens, but at the moment, it is far too frequent and overwhelming. Any ideas?

Friday, August 21, 2009

Ah... Ice Cream...

It's one of my vices for sure but it is a go to tool for healing a broken heart. Most single women know this and a few married ones use it too, to help heal a disappointments and heartbreaks in their married lives (and those who no longer use it, remember it from their single days). So as I have been thrust back into my single life, I have become more and more acquainted with my old friend ice cream... even in Mexico I took my daily "medical" dose of the sweet frozen treat. Why do you think it is that women turn to ice cream in times of emotional need? I'm not sure of the answer to that, but I am thankful for the gift of sweet relief the treat gives for the few minutes it takes to eat it. :) Although, 3 weeks into my life as a newly (and chronically) single woman, I am in need of a treadmill more than a bowl and spoon! I vow to hit the gym again on Monday morning and to stop my daily "medical" treatment as of Wednesday morning (Tuesday is my birthday so I plan to indulge on that day for sure!!).

Thursday, August 20, 2009


"Oh, sweetie, don't worry... there was once a lady in my church who got married for the first time when she was fifty and" SLAP. That is what I would like to do when someone gives me that story: I'd like to land a huge, resounding, open-fisted b!t@h slap on their chin. I've even thought it in my head while I plaster a thoughtful, I am listening smile on my ever more annoyed face. It is one of my single girl fantasies, to punch or slap the next married woman who smiles and tells me that I just need to be more patient and then uses that horrible line as if it is meant to comfort me. I KNOW that God will work in His time, I KNOW that things happen when they are supposed to, but I DON'T WANT TO HEAR about the fifty year old woman who found love for the first time. This is NOT encouraging, married people. It is not fun to think that when the best years of your youth are gone, you will find that special someone and begin a life together. It's not fun.
So all you well meaning, wonderfully wed women out there, thank you but no thank you when it comes to that story. Instead, why don't you put your pity eyes back in your head and find a way to take your friend's mind off her singleness. (No, that doesn't mean that you share the evils of your married life with us) Take her out for a drink or dinner, remember the times that you were both single and being silly together. Do something, anything that has NOTHING to do with whether you are married, in a relationship or single. Just be a friend, not a married friend.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Newly Single... AGAIN!!

Okay, so I've recently become single, AGAIN! At least this time it was after a two year relationship, which was my longest ever. In dealing with this new heartbreak, I began to think of all the things I hate most about being single, all the things I hate about my friends who are married and tell me that single life is such fun, and all the things I hate about explaining why I am STILL single at 33 years old. So as I began to think of all these things, I realized that I have a lot to say on the subject of singleness. And then I began to think that in my new obsession with blogging, it might be a good subject to blog on. I don't want it to be a bitter woman's club, or confessions of an angry single woman... but I do want the window to be open on what it is like to be a single woman. So please stay tuned and feel free to add your own stories and comments. Happy reading, single people!!