Wednesday, September 30, 2009


You know, one of the hardest things about being single again is weeding through all duds to find the good one. I've decided that I simply have too much to offer to stay single for forever, so I am trying to put myself back out there. I am trying to date, which is hard here when I don't know where you go to meet people. So I've paid the bill and put myself on and am seeing what that brings me. And it's introduced me to lots of nice guys, some of which I am chatting with online... but I just dread taking that next step... it's such a risk. *sigh* Also, it's no help that these guys aren't go getters when it comes to dating. They seem so reluctant and hesitant. I know that is a clear indication that things aren't right.... I just don't know what to do? I supose the right answer is to just wait on the Lord and His timing, but it is so hard to do that when you have been waiting around for so long already.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Closure came in a card...

So I've come to the conclusion that I must make my own closure in this situation. Kelvin won't be doing anything to help me with that and to be honest, I need to take control of the situation. I, for far too long, gave up control over the direction of our relationship and therefore gave up control of the results too. So I've been dealing with the range of emotions and the grief in the loss of a relationship slowly but surely. I know I am not "all better" yet but I feel like I have turned a corner and that is wonderful.
Kelvin is about to retire from his military career, a huge milestone and a stressful one too as he begins the next phase in his life. This brought stress to our relationship, but that is besides the point. Bad timing for "us" I guess. :) But, being who I am, I couldn't let the milestone pass without acknowledgment, no matter how much he hurt me. Because no matter how distant he was from me, and how lacking he was in emotions for me, I always knew how wonderful he was at his job. He has a great passion for his field and for his service to his country and I respect that greatly. And in recognizing that, I found some good in him again. I began to feel like my own emotions were coming full circle and that is when I turned the corner.
So to really turn that corner, I knew I needed to acknowledge it formally. So I pulled out the card I bought Kelvin (good thing I hadn't gone ahead and bought the $300 bag he had eyed months ago too) and filled it out. I didn't tell him that he was forgiven (even though I think I have done that too) but that I wanted to congratulate him on this milestone and that I hoped he would truly enjoy it and celebrate it to the hilt with his family and friends because that was deserved. I don't know if he will open the card, or if he will understand what it really says, but I can only pray that he will.
So you see, my closure came in the act of writing that card, addressing it and popping it in the mail. I will not forget my hurts, I will not forget the weeks filled with pure ache, I will not forget the seemingly ceaseless tears, but nor will I forget the smiles, the laughs, the lessons learned or the good times. Perhaps closure really isn't like the definition says... a closing of something... perhaps it is the ability to walk through the door and not look behind with regrets. I don't regret the relationship we had... I really and truly don't. I am not pleased with outcome or the person that was revealed to me at the end... but I won't regret it at all, not even the painful parts because in those I became a stronger, better version of the person God created me to be.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


People tell me what they like best about this blog is the honesty in which I am moving through this process of pain and healing. Right now it doesn't feel much like healing at all. On the exterior I am laughs, strength and determination... inside I ache. It is simply the best word for what I feel. The times of tears are fewer and father between but they still come out of nowhere and take my breath fully out of my body. I wish I meant that in a figurative way, but I don't. I literally struggle to breath sometimes.
For the past two days Kelvin has haunted my dreams and the dreams have been so realistic that I wake up feeling disoriented. I put it off to exhaustion but as I sit here, coming down with my first cold of the school year, I am not keen to sleep because I don't want him to enter my mind or heart more than he did in the past. I know in my head that this is all part of the healing... but I want so badly to fast track through it. I don't want to feel any of this, especially because of the disregard he has had for me and my feelings.
I heard a professor say once that there is 2% truth in every lie... and that is how I view the last 2 years... just 2 % of it was true and the rest was lies. It's hard to come to terms with that much lying... harder still to discern what was true in all of it. Maybe I was the only truth in it and all I was allowed to contribute was 2% even though I tried to throw 110% of myself into it.
I don't know... seems like the late night ramblings of a crazy single person, doesn't it? Perhaps that is all it is, I kinda feel crazy these days... putting up this happy, positive, strong front when all I want is to stay at home and give in to the breath-taking tears. But as they say... fake it until you make it, right?

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Learning Lessons

In the midst of my pain and my recovery from the loss of a relationship, it is easy to get caught up in all the negatives. And that isn't who I am. I remember a time in my life when that was who I was, when I couldn't see the silver linings or the goodness in my life, but that isn't who I am now.

So even though I wrote an entry about the best things about single before, I'd like to say what I am grateful for... not in being single, but in leaving a relationship. Kelvin was never abusive or truly mean or anything but I will say that he wasn't honest with me and that was just as bad. So I am grateful not to have to worry about what was truth and what wasn't anymore. I am also grateful that I don't have to wonder what gifts were given from the heart and what came out of the guilt of his dishonesty. I am grateful for the strength of character that I value and that I have held strong to in all of this. I am grateful in learning more about myself through this process. I am grateful in learning more about the friends in my life and the support that they have given me. I am grateful in having grown as a person through the relationship and even more as it has ended. I am grateful for the wisdom I am still gaining in regards to relationships. And I am even grateful for the hurt and the tears because it makes me stronger and less afraid to feel things.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


It's a funny word isn't it? According to it is:


1. the act of closing; the state of being closed.
2. a bringing to an end; conclusion.
3. something that closes or shuts.

At the end of a relationship, we ask for all these things too but seldom do we get them. In my recently ended relationship, I thought I needed closure through a conversation. I had (and still have to be honest) a lot of questions about what happened or didn't happen. I wanted (and believed that I needed) to know where it went wrong, what I did wrong, what I did right, when things changed for us, why things changed, why he lied so blatantly when we'd pledged to be honest at all times, why the communication died... I know that he may not have had answers and most of the answers he would have had I really would not have wanted to hear, but I felt like if I could just ask them to him, or have my say that I would feel an ending to our relationship. Unfortunately, this one request was denied (I'd like to point out that it was one of the very few requests I ever made in the two years that we dated) and I have been feeling lost and in limbo. But this past weekend I went and spent some time with one of my many wise and wonderful friends and we talked a lot about my relationship and hers. It was so good to speak to her and hear her objective perspective and surprising thoughts. The most surprising, honest and best advice she gave to me was to tell me that I had to MAKE my own closure. I chewed on this thought for a long time, even on and off all day today and I decided that this blog just might be my closure. This blog offers me something that Kelvin never did, a place to voice my thoughts and feelings without fear or trepidation. So thank you readers for being part of my closure... hopefully as you witness my progress in this you won't be bored with my honesty or my need to re-hash things several times before I am done with it. Thank you for reading.

Monday, September 7, 2009

More Silly Married People Sayings...

This past weekend I was visiting a good single friend in North Carolina. She is also in her 30s like me and being around her was wonderful for me as she helped me gain some good and positive perspective on being single. But we did have a good chat about those sayings that married people like to say to single people. I've heard these sayings from my own married friends and I know that they have the best of intentions but if you are married and reading this or you have married friends that say this to you, send them this blog entry and tell them to STOP saying these things to their single friends. It's not uplifting, or encouraging. I know they only want to help, but as said in a previous entry, take the single person out for drinks or dinner and have a NORMAL conversation that has nothing to do with marital status or lack thereof. Okay, with that disclaimer said... go ahead and read some of the sayings below and feel free to add your own or your own comments about the sayings that married people say to single people...

1) "Sometimes I wish I were still single, you have it so easy when you are single." Um... okay, yea... so then why did you get married?! If single life is all you think it is or should be, then why did you get married?!?! Married people, we single people understand the benefits of being single and yet some of us still want to get married so telling us that being single is better really does nothing for us. *sigh* People want what they don't have I guess...

2)"Singleness is a gift." WHAT?!?! from who? And what exactly is it a gift for? Being single has tons of benefits, but I wouldn't call it a gift... perhaps a fun time or a time in your life for focusing on yourself but a gift? Hmmm... I have trouble figuring out that one. I mean, if it is such a gift, then why does EVERYONE get it at some point in their life? Why are some forced to have the "gift" for longer than others....

3)"I'm so glad I don't have to date anymore" HAHAHAHA... this is not encouraging, married people. You don't make single people feel better about entering the jungle of dating each time they have a failed relationship when you say that you are so happy that you don't have to do that. It's like saying you are so glad you don't have to get dressed anymore. Dating is rough, but it can be a ton of fun. But it is also scary to get back into when you are getting out of a relationship and so when you tell us with the best sympathy faces you can muster that you are so glad it isn't you, it really discourages us.

Well, that is what I have come up with so far... I am sure that I will hear more or remember more as I walk deeper in my life of being single. :)