Silence

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of P!NK and her one song called 'Sober' has a line that shot right to the soul of me and what I often run away from. And as the new year approaches and I take time to reflect on the past year (supposed to be my year since I was born in the year of the rabbit and all that fun stuff). The line is:

"the quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth"

And as I look at my relationships in the past or even in the present... I come back to the silence over and over. I think about KJ and how much it hurt when he was silent. I think about other guys I've dated since then and how when they go silent, I run. I run because I'm afraid of the quiet. I'm afraid to face it because then I know the truth... the truth is that you aren't there... you aren't interested, involved or invested and I am... and I'm tired of trying to fill the silence or to run from the truth that it brings.

This year, I'm going to face the silence.... look into the deep darkness that it brings and accept it. I'm going to not be afraid of the quiet or the truth.

This Kind of Love...

You've no idea how hard I've looked for a gift to bring You.
Nothing seemed right. What's the point of bringing gold
to the gold mine, or water to the Ocean. Everything I came
up with was like taking spices to the Orient. It's no good
giving my heart and my soul because you already have these.
... So- I've brought you a mirror. Look at yourself and
remember me.

Jalaluddin Rumi

Now that is the kind of love I hope to find some day. I know it is a TALL order, but I look at some of my married friends and I see this kind of love. I look at my parents and my brother and his wife and I see this kind of love. I see this love from parent to child and even between some friends (thank you God that I know this love in the bonds of friendship... you know who you are, besties). So since I know this kind of love exists and since I know many who have it and share it, I don't think like it's too much to be looking for.

Eviction Notices Pending

My friend, Kirbie, sent me this little quote via Facebook today (I know, I know, I spend too much time there... meh... it's my version of TV since I don't have one):

"If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. So don't bother reserving a space in your heart (& mind) for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay."

And, well, it got me thinking about how I've let these duds of the past (I mean dudes... I mean boys... I mean men... ah, whatever) occupy too much space in my heart and/or mind. Obviously, CLEARLY, none of them deserves the mental and emotional attention that I give them because if they did, they'd be prominent features in my life.

Time to serve eviction notices to my mind and heart... there are some unwanted inhabitants there. The notice (if I actually had one to write up) would look like this:

Dear _________________,

You have overstayed your welcome in Angela's _________________ (heart, mind, both). You are kindly asked to pack your bags (and, oh, the baggage of some of you) and vacate the premises immediately. Thanks for entering when invited and thanks even more for leaving now. Do not let the door bang you in the ass on the way out! Safe travels to the next _____________ (heart, mind, both) that you occupy and better luck finding a permanent home. This _________________ (heart, mind, both) need a thorough cleaning and this cannot be done with you present... I'm sure you understand. Toodles!

Sincerely,

Angela's _______________ (heart, mind, both) management team.


*sigh* It even feels cleansing to write that. I think I may just have to write these up physically, fill in the duds' (you know what I mean) names on the slips and then find a way to burn them or something. Good riddance to bad rubbish (although I am still confused and a little conflicted about Mr. Not-So-Turk Turk).

Dumb Dudes

Or I could just call them duds because that's what they turn out to be. This may make me the dumb one (probably does), but I tend to date the same guy over and over. I know I've written about this before but it still boggles my mind and I'm trying to sort out how I find them, why I date them and, most importantly, how to break this pattern in my life. Let me tell you about some of the guys I've dated in the past couple of years and perhaps YOU can find the pattern and help me out. These are in no particular order... just a random sampling from the past couple of years.

#1. The Ex-Jock. He played football in college and was meant to be going somewhere with it when injury struck and changed his trajectory in life. Instead he worked with insurance and traveled a lot. He was cocky, super confident, a little old fashioned in treating women in the sense that he liked to open doors etc. He talked a lot about himself and sent very confusing and conflicting messages where our "relationship" was concerned. He stood me up once, begged a second chance (and got it) and then began the game of cat and mouse where communication was concerned.

#2. The Turk. He is also a teacher and a general, all-round nice guy. He was a little younger but liked to make sure that I was aware that he thought I was beautiful and attractive. He liked to Skype (he lives in a different town than me, so that was just hard to begin with), but would disappear for weeks on end and then reappear and want to converse a lot. He was inconsistent in everything.

#3. The Not-So-Turk Turk. He was raised in the US but holds the values of both countries. He's confusing at the best of times because he started out by taking the lead and saying that we were seeing each other etc. He was generous with his time and was fairly consistent in communication and then sort of disappeared. He had valid excuse but just continued to be more and more inconsistent with communication. I'd actually really like to still be dating but am not sure how to go about having that conversation as the end of dating conversation never happened either...

#4. The Current Jock. He's a pro playing sport here in Turkey and is gentle, kind and sweet when we spend time together. He started out pursuing me and convincing me that he was interested in the long haul. Suddenly he can't be bothered to send a text message or to apologize for standing me up at a staff event recently.

#5. DJ Dud. This guy was considerably younger than me and a DJ for a local radio station. Gorgeous and a charmer for sure but self absorbed (as you should be at his age, I suppose) and more immature than he liked to admit. Once he stomped off when we had a conversation that he didn't like.

So there you go... just a sampling of the gold that I get to weed through in my life. For my Christian readers, I think 2 of them were Christian (the Ex-Jock loves to write on his facebook about how Christian he is... but with how he treated me, I have my doubts).

I know that I need to evaluate how I present myself and how I react to the attentions of these men who pop into my life and want to try dating. I don't need to date or become involved with every attractive guy who showers me with attention for a day or two but I really would like to know what the pattern is with the guys I pick and how I can break it. All advice is welcome!!!

Thanks Facebook

Thank goodness for Facebook sometimes. I know, it's a giant brain drain, but I love how it keeps me connected with the people I love.

Tonight it opened me up to myself and let me reflect on a time in my life where I let myself (and did to myself) be treated horribly. Some of you faithful longtime readers might remember when I was living in Virginia in the US and was healing from the break-up that spawned this blog. You may even recall me dating a guy (W) for a while.

Well, confession time, I visit his profile on FB from time to time to see how he is doing (good, bad or ugly, I always hope and wish that my exes are well and happy and I hope that they wish the same for me). So I was there, looking at all his fancy updates on love and being godly and forgiving etc and I was thinking myself a fool to let this guy out of my life (yes, yes, I am THAT gullible and stupid... and yes, I tend to see the past through rose coloured glasses with too much forgiveness). I clicked the message button so that I could wish him a happy Thanksgiving (this weekend in the US) and a great upcoming birthday as a way to reconnect a dead friendship.

Well, FB now saves all your past messages and displays them when you try to send a new one. So I began to scroll up to the beginning of our messages (I should say mine since most of them were desperate attempts to get this jackass to like me or to return calls etc). I read them all and saw the desperate, lonely, respectless girl I was at that time and I also noticed what an asshat he was and how FALSE he was.

WOW!! THANK YOU FACEBOOK for being a light into the true nature of that guy (self-involved, cocky, rude, respectless, using, unkind, self-important egoist) that I didn't see because I couldn't see past my own sad neediness at the time. I needed to see how DESPERATE I was back then so that I can hopefully move past that and stop repeating that mistake in my life. *phew* Glad that FB saved those messages so that well over a year later I can see them with clearer vision and understanding and to save myself from even trying to befriend that guy again...

And, guess what? NO APOLOGIES... I stand by every word that I type here, whether he reads them or not. In almost every past message to him, I apologised for being myself, for having feelings, for having expectations.... and I spent oodles of space and characters giving him props on being a godly man, good father, friend and person... which clearly he was not.

Again - PHEW - thanks Facebook for saving me from myself!!

Vacationing Alone... AGAIN

So, I've become that woman... the one that takes all her holidays alone, or stays home and takes care of other people's pets instead of being invited to travel with them. It's just hit me today as I'm sitting here trying to think of what to do with the winter break that is coming up in December. I live internationally, so people use it as a time to travel, see family and generally have fun. I was really lucky last year to have a few of my closest friends choose to come and see me, but this year, it looks like I'm traveling solo. I am so tired of it. I'm tired of going to parties and events solo, I'm tired of traveling solo and I'm tired of being asked to look after people's pets instead of being invited to take a trip as part of a group of friends. Am I really that miserable of a person? I don't think I am... I'm pretty happy for the most part. I love to be social and to hang out with people, I love to organize trips and parties, I love to laugh and I love to be included most of all. Maybe people think I prefer being solo... OH GOD!! Does this mean I'm in the old maid category?!?! Probably... *sigh*
I guess I should stop having a pity party about being alone, I know lots of my married friends would tell me that I should be so blessed as to be able to travel alone, go where I want, when I want. But they aren't seeing the blessings in their own lives either... they always have someone to talk to and share meals with on vacations. They get to take pictures together and they don't have to take that always horrible, never cute photo of themselves with the long arm. hahaha They get to create memories and reminisce over them for years to come. There is someone to laugh with when things are funny and someone to help you when you feel lost or frustrated.
I know, I know, the grass is always greener on the other side, right? But I've said it before and I will say it again... I understand that relationships and marriages are truly hard work. I know that it isn't all sunny skies and rainbows. But I can pretty much guarantee that all my married friends who read this and tell me I'm blessed to be single would NEVER give up their husbands if push came to shove... they'd never trade their lives. But I'd trade my single life in a heartbeat.

The Same Guy

I seem to continually date the same guy, just wrapped in a different package. Tall or short, athletic or not, they all tend to be the same. Unavailable! And, no, I don't mean married or dating someone else... I mean emotionally unavailable. I have a very special knack for finding the nicest, cutest, funniest guy in the crowd who wants to date but who is also emotionally unavailable. It's a special talent, I know... because most women don't seem to have it. Sure, they date a few of those guys and then find one who is emotionally available and all of those other things too. *sigh* Perhaps I find these guys because I'm not really available either (even though I'd like to think that I am), or because I am just plain scared of what it would be like to date someone who is emotionally available and ready to go to the next level in a relationship. Whatever the cause may be, I just keep dating the same guy... it's like being in the revolving door or treadmill of dating and it's starting to get boring! I think I'm ready to run the race, so how do I stop finding these guys? I guess I should spend a little more time evaluating myself and my own emotional availability.

Shut Trap, Avoid Self Sabotage

This is how I feel at the moment. And I think it's taken me many failed dating situations and relationships to get to this point. And the point that I'm at is that when getting to know someone new... try NOT to over-analyze every little word, message or anything else. Instead, enjoy the getting to know. Also, try not to demand too much in the beginning. In the getting to know a person, there is a feeling out of boundaries (which I feel like I am free to state at will... that's my perogative... but I also need to be realistic and gentle in stating what my boundaries.... if you know me, you know that I generally jump to listing EVERYthing that might be an issue right from get go) and what you will or will not accept. Generally, I mess this part up by becoming demanding with my list of "requirements" when in truth, what I need to do is relax, take the time to LISTEN and get to know the other person instead of jumping to conclusions and putting endings on sentences that are unspoken as of yet. So basically, my current approach is to SHUT UP, LISTEN and get to know the person and by doing this, I am hoping to avoid my normal special skill of sabotaging anything before it even gets started. Now, you may think that my "new" outlook is simple but for a 36 year-old chronically single woman who is particularly skilled at the art (oh, yes, it must be an art to mess things up and quickly and skillfully as I can) of self-sabotage, nothing could be harder. Keeping my mouth shut (yes, Dad, you were right... I am too opinionated and I do often HAVE to be right, but I'm learning to shut it) goes against the grain of my being, but I've been learning important lessons lately and one of them is to SHUT UP on occasion... my opinions and need to be right is off-putting and isn't always necessary for harmony and a budding relationship (don't get crazy here folks... just stating where my mind is at at the moment). So, that's my new tactic in approaching my dating life... I'll let you know how it works out for me (if it works out for me in the future).

Fools Rush In

And that would be me... I am a fool. A fool to blindly believe and trust, a fool to listen even. There was a lovely guy that I dated last year. I really liked him and I thought it was mutual. We spent good times together, hung out together, even met and hung out with each other's friends and then he just disappeared. Later I came to find out that he had been through some pretty yucky, stinky things in his life and his ex re-appeared and they reconnected. They got engaged and then he returned into my life wanting to explain. I listened, I cried for the bad things that had happened to him and I was sad that I lost out. Funny thing is that he continued to talk to me and not always in the way one does to a friend. I tried not to get my hopes up until this summer when we talked and he told me he had broken up with her and wanted to see me again. Messy, I know... but I've already given the disclaimer that I am a fool... So we talked about meeting up again once we were both back in country. He said he would be out of touch for a little while due to some new business things etc but that I could email him. I did and then never heard back (sound familiar... yea, I know). So I talked to a mutual friend who said he was here and engaged again to that woman again... Yup... played for a fool... AGAIN. But I really have no one to blame but myself. I know what I should do... I've read the books, given the advice and read all the blogs (I've even read my own blogs again to try and learn from my bad choices and mistakes)... so I know. I know I shouldn't blindly believe. I know I shouldn't trust from the onset, but it's like it is ingrained in my make up. I can't help myself... I just want to love and be loved. I just want to believe that the interest is real. *sigh* Guess I just need more time alone to figure it out. And I think I need to be more vigilant about following the advice so that I can stop looking like and feeling like the fool.

Choices

So last week I struggled with feeling like a second choice sally... this week, I've come to realise (and I think I did then too... at least after I wrote the blog entry and had a little time to reflect and become more rational) that I am in control of how I feel and what I feel. I went out again and the same guy was out with my friends and I decided that regardless, I was going to have fun. That was my intention for the evening and that is how I played it out. I went, enjoyed a wonderful dinner with some ladies and then went out dancing with a big group. I kept my focus on enjoying my time and enjoying the time spent with friends. As I am in a state of limbo, I really have no business getting all caught up in flirtations and liking some random guy. And you know what?! I had the best time... chatted with the guy a little and seemed to have struck a balance of normalcy and friendship. What a great night of laughing and dancing... just what I needed.
Lesson learned... regardless of what others do and what my expectations are for an evening... I am the ONLY on who can control how I react and how I intentionally go about enjoying myself. Ah... nice to move back in the direction of becoming the woman I was always intended to be!

WORST Pick Up Lines

So I just got back from a little jaunt around Holland and Belgium. Both countries were amazing and gorgeous places to be. They were the kind of places where I paid more attention to how I looked and presented myself, something that helps me to feel better about myself. It also helped that I got plenty of appreciative glances and a few pick-up lines tossed my way in the streets (not even at a bar... so different from my previous experiences).

Anyway, as I was walking around Amsterdam one day and a man was throwing me those appreciative glances... then he began to follow me... and then he said, "You got nice back." *sigh* REALLY?!?!?! Puhahahahaha....

What's your worst pick up line?

Second Choice Sally

That's what I feel like sometimes. I know that I am beautiful. I know that I am smart. I know that I am funny. I know that I am even sexy. I know that I am faithful. I know that I am honest. I know that I am trustworthy. I know that I am a GREAT catch... but sometimes I don't feel like it. At 36, it's hard to feel like all of those things when you go out with friends and every guy is only looking at them.
The other night I was out with friends. I was having a great time (and overall did have a great time all night). We were having drinks and dancing. It was so much fun. There were cute boys everywhere and they even flirted with me a bit. And, I'm in a state of limbo in my life right now, so being flirted with is more than enough to ask for, to be honest. So I was in my glory, feeling beautiful and all those things I mentioned. Then my friends began to get all the attention.
Later as I looked at how I felt bad at the end of the night, I began to realize that I was feeling like a second-choice-Sally. I began to feel like I was the one that was good enough to flirt and dance with as long as another girl wasn't around. It was a horrible, insecure moment for me. I've been battling my self-esteem most of my life and thought I'd made great gains (and maybe I have and it was just a low point. Who knows?). Of course it didn't help that one friend continued to pursue a pretty heavy flirtation with a guy I had told her that I was interested in. But I guess he wasn't interested as he was pretty much glued to her on the floor. Oh well...

Friends?

The thing that has and still does bother me the most about my failed relationship is the loss of the friendship. Now, granted, I haven't always been friends with every guy I have dated. Some I dated for physical reasons or dated just to have someone to date, but there have been a few that started as a friendship or developed into relationships that had a strong element of friendship. I also hate the loss of the friends you make through the relationship. Its the one thing I would want to preserve out of a past relationship (not all of them, let's be honest).

I've been fortunate to maintain somewhat of a friendship with one of my exes... Don. He's been great. He supports me in my endeavours professionally and personally and I am able to do the same with him. It wasn't always easy to be friends with him (that's why I say somewhat of a friendship) because I would often get things crossed in my brain depending on my current relationship status or the kindnesses he would send my way.

I've also been fortunate to keep a good friendship with a man I once dated, John. We only dated briefly and then it fizzled into what has become a great friendship. He was there when I was broken-hearted once... driving over an hour to sit by my side, let me cry and encourage me to move forward with my life. He's married so lines don't get crossed there and I am so happy for him and thankful that we could be friends in the truest nature of the word.

But I regret that my longest relationship that was built on friendship, ended without closure and in heartache with no friendship left. I definitely wasn't ready for any kind of friendship initially after the break-up. I needed to mourn the loss first, then I needed to be angry at it all and then I finally needed to accept it and move on. I've done all those things and it's taken me quite a while but I miss the friendship. I miss joking about silly things, talking about stresses and having that great sounding board. I miss being those things for him too. I also really miss some of the people that he introduced me too... so if you ever read this, KJ... drop me a line... let me know how you are and what you've been up to. I hope you are happy and in another relationship that fits the bill for you. I miss the friendship we had... I miss Tez and M.J. and hope they are well too. Since I can't contact or talk to you, this is the best I could do.

Fear

I hope my friend will forgive me for posting this (I won't use names or anything, but the inspiration for this post comes from a very real situation) but I feel like I am fed up with the excuse of FEAR.
If you don't know what I am talking about, it's when your significant other breaks up with you and the only reason that they give is that the commitment scares them. Really?! Didn't you think it would scare me too?
*sigh* I speak from experience on this one too. My last serious relationship and a minor one after that ended due to fear. In the serious relationship, my boyfriend decided that the fear of not knowing if it would last forever was too much. He began to doubt his feelings, his desires, if he was capable of being married. Basically it was fear of commitment. In the minor relationship it boiled down to the same thing: fear. He was afraid of asking me to stay around to try it out. He was afraid to see where things could go and when I decided that I needed to put me first, he became afraid of distance and the kind of "character" I had.
Well, here is what I have to say to that: GROW THE HELL UP! Sorry.... but it makes me mad. Fear is valid, but it's not a valid excuse to end a relationship or to not try something new or to not take a chance. As taken from another friend's facebook status:

If you are never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take chances. By: Julia Soul

And we have all been scared and embarrassed and hurt. And it's never fun, but it makes life for the living. From the moment we are born, we are already on dying. It's just that simple. After that first breath, we could be breathing our last. We just never know and if we tuck into our shell like the picture, then we aren't living. God gave us life for living, for enjoying, for making the most of in honour to Him. And when we are afraid to take steps forward in our life, we are just hiding in the dark doing a disservice to ourselves.
So if you are in a relationship that isn't working... figure out why it isn't working and get out for THAT reason, not because you are afraid. If you are in a relationship and you are afraid, talk about it with your partner. I know that I sure wish KJ had done that with me. I was scared too, but I was willing to swallow my fear and some of my pride and ride the bumpy road together because the one thing I was sure of was that I loved him enough to try.
Relationships and life are scary, they just are. But it doesn't mean that we hide, or shrink away. We have to try, to fight our fears and stop sinking into them.
I hope none of you ever has to hear the excuse of fear in a relationship that you are in ever again. It's a lame excuse. If we all gave in to our fears, nothing would get done or happen anywhere in the world. We'd all just be in our own little dark shells waiting for someone else to grow the balls it takes to take a step outside.

Perfect? Is There Such a Thing?

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

Being perfect just isn't reality... not in relationships, not in love, not in school, not in sleep, not in physical being, not in emotional well-being... not in anyway. There is NO "perfect" and I wish more of us could come to grips with it.

Today, I saw this post as part of a blog I now subscribe to via my Facebook account: Single Dad Laughing. I know it seems odd for a single, childless woman to read a blog by a single dad, but it's not all about parenting. It's about life, about how perfection is like a disease and that is ruins us. My friend posted one of his posts and I read it and felt shaken to my core: "Perfection" Read it... and be REAL for a change... follow the quote above... give up on being perfect and try to just be yourself!

*sigh*

I don't know what else to title this entry. It's been a long time since I reflected on my dating life, but here I am doing it. I was actually thinking about it last night as two guys that I don't know well (I met them online and we just chat) were working hard to convince me that they were the ones I needed to date. And I began to think about it (things with the Turkish guy have fizzled out to nothing... which is fine, I'm not actually upset about it). I thought about why they may or may not be good candidates for me. And they ended up not being what I need or want in my life and that's okay by me too (not them apparently as they both spent over 30+ minutes trying to convince me that distance is nothing.... one lives in London and the other in the US... and that there are a myriad of reasons why I should give them a try). But I will be honest... I'm jaded. I don't want to do long distance or any distance anymore at the start of a relationship. It's too hard and it makes things move at unnatural speeds. Would I be opposed to trying distance if a strong relationship that was marriage minded developed and then needed distance due to careers for a specific period of time? No... I'd give it a try... but I don't want to start at a distance...
Well, then I got to thinking about why I was still choosing these emotionally unavailable men and why I was so emotionally unavailable and while I still don't have an answer, I feel like there is a lot of work that needs to be done within before I can look for love from without. It makes me sad that at 35 I've wasted so much time thinking that I wasn't the issue or that it could be fixed with something quick and easy. I'm sad that I feel like opportunity has passed me by... I'm sad that I feel like I'm almost locked into a life of loneliness (although, I am pretty sure it is the PMS talking at this moment)... I'm just sad about the whole thing and I am wishing that my girls were nearby for a night with some wine, some tears, some laughs and a feeling like the weight that is heavy on my shoulders was lifted even for a little bit.
When I set out to write this blog, I did it because I needed an outlet for my fears, my funny single stories and my honest, raw feelings. I had hoped that it would be a short term way to deal with a heavy heartache but it's turning into something a little more long term. I'm full of regrets over how I've "dealt" with the heartache... I don't think I have. I think I've buried it in hopes that it would disappear or just heal on it's own. I just have a lot of work to do on just me...
And with that in mind, I am taking myself off the dating market for a time. I just need time to get things right within me... I hope that if Mr. Right stumbles into me during this time, he has the patience to be my friend and wait until I'm ready to accept and seek love from without... I'm ready to love, but being loved has to come from myself first and I haven't really allowed that properly in a long time.

The Kisses We Love to Hate...

Today I was killing a little time and having a great conversation with a good friend that ended up on the topic of kisses that were good or that were bad. Of course, plenty of giggles later, the topic of worst kisses became much more popular to discuss. I know people have said it before but, guys, kissing is IMPORTANT!! A kiss can be the difference between a woman wanting more or shutting the door so here are some kisses we love to hate:

*The Smash - you know, the one where the guy goes in full tilt with lips pressed too hard over teeth and proceeds to mash his hard mouth on yours... leaving it bruise and your teeth feeling like you've had a close encounter with a fist.

*The Suck - a little suction in a kiss is a good thing, but feeling like your dinner is being hoovered from your stomach is not. Ease up, fellas!

*The Sloppy - nobody likes a dry kiss but you also don't want to feel like the family hound has decided to bath you. It's just gross...

*The Spin - this one always cracks me up because it seems like guys who kiss like this thought that a b-rated bad romance movie was going to make them better kissers. You know how it is... he leans in for the kiss, applies some pressure or too much pressure and then continuously rotates his head... sure, he doesn't exactly spin, but you feel like he's winding you up to or himself... who knows?!

*The Guppy - this one also leaves me wondering where the guy learned it... he goes in for the kiss, makes lip contact and then just opens and closes his lips in a guppy-fish motion... bizarre.

From this list you'd think that all I'd ever had were bad kisses but really, I've had loads of make-you-weak-in-the-knees kisses and just a few bad ones. The inspiration for this entry came out of a conversation so we shared about those kisses we love to hate. Got more to add to the list? Please do!!

Perfect People or Perfect Love?

Is there such a thing? Who knows... but I was inspired by a quote that a friend posted to their Facebook wall today:

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.|~ Sam Keen

I think it is so easy to get wrapped into the Hollywood ideal of the perfect person or THE ONE, but reality is just so different. Perfect people do not exist, we all know this and yet we search and search for the perfect person for ourselves. Why? Why do we cause ourselves the heart-ache and the trauma of thinking we found it only to be disappointed. I love this quote because it reminds us that people aren't perfect and that in searching for love, looking for perfection just isn't reality. Instead, we need to look at that person... see them for who they are, who they are NOT and who they have the potential to be and in seeing that and accepting it, we see them perfectly.

Dating...

So this chronically single chick is dating... I've been seeing someone for a couple of weeks now. Unfortunately (or fortunately... not sure yet, it's still early), he lives about 8 hours away so the bulk of the relationship consists of skype conversations and chats. But maybe that's good because we can really take some time to get to know each other. He is Turkish, so that can be interesting at times... although he seems to be very open-minded and globally aware. So look for dating updates in the near future... just didn't want everyone to think I'd dropped off the face of the earth!!

Questions

As I am beginning to really look at and evaluate this life I am leading and what I want from it, I'm coming to a place of questions. I think I want to find that person to love for the rest of my life... my heart is so big and so full of love that keeping it to myself just doesn't seem like a possibility... but at the same time, I sometimes think that this isn't the life for me. I'm not trying to put out negative vibes or anything but I like my life... I like it A LOT! I like being able to come and go as I please. I like being able to make choices and not wondering or worrying if someone else can fit into them. I like being in charge of all my decisions. I like being in control of my finances and my home. I like being the one who decides what happens and when. I like not answering to anyone but God and myself... and I like not asking anyone for their opinions or thoughts or input unless that is my choice. As much as society seems to want me to marry and have kids and settle into one place, I am not sure that is who I am or what I want.
I used to think that I wanted nothing more than a house and a yard and a car and a dog and a cat and all that domestic happiness.... but now I don't know. I can't bear the thought of mowing the lawn or raking the leaves... I don't want to fix the water pipes or worry about the roofing... I don't want to plant a garden or trim the hedges.... I don't want to worry about property taxes or finding a renter if I want to move. I don't know if I'll love this single life forever (probably not.... I'm a pretty changeable person), but for right now... I do love it. Maybe it's selfish, but I don't know if I ever want to really share my life with someone else... or maybe it's fear talking... I don't know. I haven't figured that out...

Lessons Learned

I think I've finally begun to learn some lessons about being single and attracting the kind of man you truly want to have in your life. And since I am all about sharing, I thought I'd share what I've been learning.

1. The first lesson I've been learning is that you can create the person you want to be... you are in charge of you. If you want to be an intelligent woman, you can be... if you want to be strong, you can be... You can be the woman that you want to be... you just need to find out what kind of woman you respect most and then find ways to be like her. This isn't a burying of who you are, but a reawakening to the woman that lives deep in your soul.

2. The second lesson I learned is that you don't have to be finished growing into the woman you want to be in order to find the love or person that you want in your life. If you are becoming the woman you want to be, then the person who is attracted to that woman will begin to gravitate towards you.

3. The third and hardest lesson I am learning still is that in order to really draw in the kind of person that you want to love and that wants to love the person that lives deep in the soul of you, you need to see yourself as you want them to see you. Do you want them to see you as strong, beautiful, intelligent, funny, independent etc? Then start seeing yourself that way. Start seeing that you ARE those things and more! It's hard to look in the mirror and in the soul, knowing of all the mistakes you've made and the things that are flawed and yet see that woman that your partner sees... but if you can, even for a millisecond.... well, then you are well on your way to being that woman and attracting the partner you want and deserve.

Have I finished learning all these lessons? NO!! I'm on the journey of learning and applying the lessons though.

Married Men...

No, no... don't get the wrong idea. I have not crossed to the other side of evil in my desire to find a man of my own. But in the international circuit it is harder than it looks to know who is married and who is not. I'm a fairly honest and straight forward person and I think I expect that because I am, others must be too. I don't think it's exceptional or extraordinary to be honest and forthright. But apparently it is becoming more and more that way.
The other night when I was out, I was chatting with some people (yes, men were included in this) and I found one of them to be particularly attractive. We hit it off, had a nice conversation and even exchanged numbers. Now, I felt like I had done due diligence by checking for a ring and by watching his behaviour etc throughout the evening. He paid special attention to me, had no ring and behaved as though he were single. I came to find out later that he was among those that call themselves "temporarily divorced" for the evening, the week, the weekend or whatever time period they choose. When asked, he did honestly admit to being married, but still wanted to date me!!! hahahaha As I said earlier, I have not crossed over to the other side of evil and I let him know in no uncertain terms that this wasn't something I wanted. He went on to explain that his marriage was all but over, but I held my ground and said no. He then asked if we could be friends, to which I also gave a negative answer. He'd misrepresented himself to me in the times we had chatted (we had been texting after we met... no, not sexting and had met for a second time) and I just wasn't interested in getting involved in that, regardless of where he thought his marriage was going or not going.
My advice to the single folk out there? ASK... ask if they are married, engaged or in any kind of relationship. I know they can lie, but at least you will have asked... and then... OBSERVE/LISTEN.... keep your eyes and ears peeled for any behaviour that just doesn't sit right.
My advice to the married folk? Time for some honest conversations with your spouse... time to revisit the expectations you have for each other in social settings. Time to investigate (not like a crazy spy or the Cheaters people.... unless you think you need Cheaters to do a show on your significant other) each other's feelings and make sure that honesty in paramount for both of you.

I know I've learned a valuable lesson (don't worry... nothing bad happened) and that is to make sure to ask and to ask around before exchanging numbers etc. Dating is hard when you are young, but chances are that most acting single folk are single... in my mid 30s I'm beginning to realize that most acting single folk are just acting... sad, but true.

Dealing with Trolls

First off... let me define what I think a troll is... a troll CAN be someone who is short and unattractive in a physical way, but it could also be someone who is just dirty. And by dirty I mean that guy who undresses you with his eyes and a sneer on his lips... you know the one ladies, the one that makes your flesh crawl. We've all had a troll approach us at one time or another.

Last night I was out with a few of the girls and we were just having a great time. We went from place to place and there was loads of live music going on and the bands were really hitting their stride. My friends and I all looked gorgeous (we decided to dress up a little... makes you feel pretty and then you just are pretty) and were getting quite a lot of attention from the gentlemen in the places we went. It was nice (as getting attention can be), but trolls were lurking. I think that the night club or pub or bar is a natural habitat for the troll-man so you just can't avoid them, but you can deal with them... Anyway, last night my friends and I were having a fantastic time and dancing up a storm. One such troll approached as we were all sharing a table in a very crowded place (not just with him but with a large group of people). He started off being nice but the leer and sneer were already there and my skin was beginning to crawl. I tried to be nice and keep him at a distance but when I was dancing with friends he did the typical troll move and tried to grab me (first of all... I'm not there for a massage or rub down, I am there to be with my friends and to dance and laugh.... second... I'd been clear that I was not attracted to him at all). Now this grab-happy action crosses a line, so I had to get the mean girl that lives within to come out. It was pure comedy, the look on his face as I brushed away his hands, got my teacher face on and shook my finger in his face....
So that is one way to deal with a troll... the blatant and physical brush off. Can't mistake the message there. And the guy wasn't overly aggressive, so it wasn't a big deal. Now, troll two of the evening was of the other sort... aggressive and just drunk (sloppy drunk is just never attractive, EVER). In dealing with him, I was more passive... he took my cell phone out of my hands and saved his number.... I just allowed it to happen and then loaded a fake number in his phone with all kinds of excuses as to why my phone shows up private when calling people so I couldn't just call him to have the number saved to his phone... then I wandered away on the pretense that my poor feet hurt and I needed to park my rear on a stool next to some cute, funny and nice guys. This was more of the passive, mental brush off. It was clear to him that I wasn't interested because he didn't speak to me once after that. :)
Ladies... there will always be trolls... keep them at arm's length and do your best to brush them off as soon as the skin starts crawling!! ;)

And then there were none....

Do you ever notice how your life goes in a cyclic motion? You spiral up and then down over and over again? I know that mine does and right now I seem to be caught between both the ups and downs of my spiral. In one sense, I feel like I am spiraling up because I am learning so much about myself and growing myself into the woman I know I want to be. I feel like my spirit is gaining wings and my soul is opening to love. But on the other hand, I feel like I am spiraling downwards too. A few months back I had NUMEROUS prospects. Men were seeking me out, contacting me, flirting all the time, asking me out and generally lifting that part of my spirit. Slowly but surely each one has dropped off in the last few weeks. They've either stopped calling or emailing (which is actually fine because none of them were men that I wanted long term relationships with) or disappeared from my view (which is also good because it keeps me from getting distracted from my goal - to find my future husband), and I just haven't attracted much attention from men lately. It's okay, I don't feel like suddenly I'm less attractive or taking backward steps or anything... I guess I just miss the attention. Isn't that awful?! ;) There you go, men of the world... I'm admitting it... we women LOVE, NEED and CRAVE male attention, or just attention in general.
So a few months back I was getting more than my fair share of male attention and lately it's been a downward spiral towards NO attention. Now, please don't think that this entry is a self-pitying look at why or how I am not getting this attention... it's simply an observation and reflection. As I said, I'm also on an upward spiral in my life right now that is so much more important to me and will eventually bring about the kind of attention that I crave for a lifetime. So, even though there are none at the moment... I'm actually happy about it. I'm happy to wait and grow myself first... that way, when the attention comes, not only will I be ready, but I will be able to discern what is the right attention for me! Life is good!

Valentine's

Valentine's Day has never been a personal favourite holiday of mine. I always bought into the fact that it was a Hallmark holiday and meant for commercial purposes and that when a man didn't choose me on that day it was no big deal. But then, why did it and does it continue to feel like a big deal?! I think it stems from a lack of self confidence on my side and the constant intrusion on my brain from the media and marketing for the holiday. But just for interest's sake, I decided to do a little research on the history of the day and how the giving of cards and gifts came about. I found this interesting site that had lots of variations of where things came from and how the whole thing got started. And, guess what?! Nothing on there is about how Hallmark Greeting cards started the whole thing... So check it out and perhaps re-evaluate why you do or don't celebrate the day. I, for one, know in my mind that my man (I don't have one currently) can and should be celebrating the love between us on a daily basis, but for some reason it matters to be publicly proclaimed on that day too... so all you guys out there who scorn the commercialism and pressure of the day, think about what your partner would want... it could be as simple as a homemade card or a cup of coffee in bed to as complex and intricate as a fancy date out on the town... but don't just shrug your shoulders and blame Hallmark for the day... it's not their fault!

Quotes about Love...

I love quotes. I feel like the wisdom of others can give so much to those of us who don't possess such wisdom. And since it is Valentine's month, I am going to share some quotes about love that I feel are poignant. I will share just one at a time and I will most likely forget to share as many as I know or come across... but here goes nothing!

"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction" - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I found this one today and I like the perspective it has on love. I feel like though I may not possess romantic love, I know a lot about what it should be. I've been blessed to see it in my home with my parents' marriage... I've been blessed to see it blossom between friends and watch their marriages grow... I've been blessed to see it in the lives of family as they date, marry and grow together... and I've blessed to feel it once or twice (perhaps not as true as my blinded eyes wanted it to be, but my heart didn't know the difference at the time). This quote reminds me that it's not always about the other person as much as it is about sharing a vision in life and a path. I love that. Sometimes love isn't about me or you, it's about us.

Missing

There are only 3 times that I truly miss being part of a relationship.

The first is obvious: Valentine's Day. I miss being part of a partnership and relationship because this day is the day that most couples really show love for another in a public way. I don't know why I miss it since none of the men I've ever dated celebrated the holiday at all, but I guess I miss the idea of what that day could represent. I do love that I can show love for myself on that day and I do... I haven't decided what to give myself this year...

The second time I miss being in a relationship is when I want to share the joy with someone. Sometimes when something good or funny happens, I just want to call my special someone and share it with them. I know, I know, I can share it with all the wonderful friends and family that I have been blessed with but somehow it's not the same. Close, but not quite.

The third time I miss being in a relationship is days like today. I woke up with the most excruciatingly painful kink in my neck/spine. It's made it so I can't lift my head up, I can't turn to the side and nothing feels comfortable. Days like this I wish that I had a significant other who'd want to take care of me, make me soup or rub my overly tense shoulders. I miss that... I miss being cared for the most.

Journey of the Soul

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." - George Bernard Shaw

I subscribe on Facebook to a "Quote Daddy" application where they send you quotes everyday and the one above was the one for today. As I move into this year, this is what I plan to keep doing. I will create myself. I think perhaps all the time I've spent trying to find myself or find out who I was/am has been time not wasted, but misguided.
I've begun to dub this year as the journey of my soul year. It's the year when I concentrate on getting all my life in order, from my finances to my heart. This blog is dedicated to living the single life and what it's like to do that in your mid-thirties. It's not always a ball of fun and games, but it isn't horrible either. I'm ready now to stop trying to find my single self but to create my single self. And when I say create, I am not talking about designing an ideal physical or personal being but of allowing myself to be myself. I'm talking about NOT conforming to what other people think I should be, but instead listening to the deepest voice in my soul that comes from within and without.

So, single folk, join me on the journey... and married/commited folk too... life is too short to let someone else define it for us or to think we are lost... let's be created!! <3

Happy February, the month of love... let's love ourselves for a change!

Love

"A life without love is of no account. Don't ask yourself what kind of love you should seek, spiritual or material, divine or mundane, Eastern or Western... Divisions only lead to more divisions. Love has no labels, no definitions. It is what it is, pure and simple.

Love is the water of life. And a lover is a soul of fire!

The universe turns differently when fire loves water."

A quote from Rumi, via Forty Rules of Love by Elif Shafak

I've just finished this book and these, the final words from the story resounded so deeply in my soul that I wept. I wasn't sad for my singleness, but sad because I was working so hard in my past to label and define love. I've been working so hard to compartmentalize it. In this box goes the love for family and in that goes the one for friends... in the fancy box there is a space reserved for romantic love and here there is a box with love for children and over there is the box of love for God. I've worked so hard to see the differences in love, but have failed to see how love truly is the water of life (it's written everywhere, isn't it? Biblically God is the water of life and God is love so... ) and we are lovers, whose souls are fire as we burn to envelope that love, as we thirst for it... how can we not change the universe if we love LOVE?! *sigh* So today I wept not out of sadness for my singleness, but out of sadness that I've let fear rule and I've left love alone. I've been slowly letting my fire die instead of building it to burn for the water of life, to thirst. I've decided that I want to stop defining love, to stop limiting it and boxing it up in neat little categories... Instead, I choose to just LOVE!

Boundaries

In my recent readings and self discoveries, I've noticed a set of common themes: release fear and start to love, set boundaries, and take action. So today I am considering the boundaries that I need to set so that I can adequately assess a situation. I've always thought I had boundaries, but I've not respected myself enough to stick to them, or I've let fear of being alone run ramshod over them. So today I am setting some new boundaries:

1. No physical, mental, or emotional abuses allowed.
2. No manipulation of who I am allowed... if I feel something isn't right, I need to stand up and say so and then walk away.
3. Dishonesty is not an option
4. Man must be unattached
5. Man must be communicative
6. Man must share my faith
7. Man must share my values
8. Man must respect my emotions and my body.

I think that is a good start for me. I know that they seem rudimentary, but think about where I am coming from: a string for relationships and relations with unavailable men and a lack of self love and respect. Best to start small, right? Besides, I don't want to put in silly boundaries about where a guy lives or what he does for a living... that just seems limiting. These boundaries I've listed seem liberating! Let's hope by putting them here, I will remember them, honour them (and myself) and follow them!

Hm.....

Okay... so here is the latest conundrum. I've really let the eHarmony thing lapse. I don't feel the need to be on there all the time or getting attention that just isn't going to go anywhere. If someone pursues me on there, I answer their questions etc, but my membership runs out in a couple of days and I am not bothered about it at all. However, I have put myself on a couple of Christian dating sites because, well, I think that those are the kinds of guys I'd like to attract. And I'd hope that they were honest and in it for the long haul... although, you can lie just as well on a Christian site as you can on a regular site. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I got an email from a member on one of the sites. He sent me a nice message telling that the thought I was attractive and that he liked my profile. I responded in kind (after looking his over). He then asked if he could email me and I agreed. I have an email address that is pretty much just for this kind of thing because I don't want oddballs having access to my stuff. It's also the one I use when signing up for stuff or purchasing online... best to keep all the junk mail flowing into one place. So the first email he sent was nice, if a little nervous seeming and I thought that was cute. The next had some photos of himself (I presume) and a much longer letter detailing more about himself. It was very long and I enjoyed reading it and gave him and equally long email in return. After that his emails became incredibly intense and he was intent to meet me and to push for something to happen. I asked him to slow down... I'm in no rush, I am loving that I am figuring out how not to be the fall back girl (by the way... I think the lovely distraction is done too... I want more than a distraction so...) and I have no need to jump into something with anyone right away. Besides, if he is Mr. Right instead of Mr. Unavailable (see earlier posts about Natalie's blog and books), then he will be willing to go at a decent pace that allows for discovery of who we are. Now, he says he's all good with that but some of the emails in the last couple of days have just sat wrong. Not wrong as in I think he's a nut job or that he's going to start boiling bunnies... just wrong as in I am not getting the whole story. He is in Africa on business (he says) and would like to stop by Turkey on his way home. I told him he was more than welcome to stop by the country but he would be responsible for his own accommodations... right!? So we will see... but there is the latest step in the life of me... or at least this part of my life!

Unavailable... who me?!

So, through the site I mentioned before - Baggage Reclaim - I've been doing some reading and discovery... and it's been a LOT of the latter. I've completed the short packet on Getting Unstuck, although I am still not unstuck. I think to be unstuck, I have a little more to learn about the role I've been playing in my own disasters. I know, I know... I've said for years that something must be wrong with myself for all these relationships to fail like they do... and there IS something wrong with me!! And for once I am not coming from a place of self-pity and woe when I say that! On Natalie's site (Baggage Reclaim) she has some very insightful blog entries and her eBooks. I've just begun the one entitled Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. I would never, ever in a million years think I was the fallback girl, but just 11 pages in and I know I am her. *sigh*
Natalie's book comes from her own story and experience and it feels like she crawled inside my head with the insights she shares. And my favourite part is that these emotionally unavailable people aren't just the single folk out there (so watch out married and/or committed folk... you could be one too!!). It makes it feel better to know that being emotionally unavailable isn't the disease of the single, it's the disease of humanity as we all struggle with it from time to time... some of us more than others.
I can't wait to read the rest of the book... please check back often for updates of what I'm getting out of it (hope you will be getting something out of it too) and check out Natalie's sight and her books! They are well worth the time and money if what I've read so far is any indication!!!

Re-evaluating Beliefs

Part of getting unstuck is about looking at who you are, assessing that and evaluating the beliefs you have. It's been interesting to look at my beliefs (and I don't mean my faith in God... it's not about those beliefs, but about beliefs about self, others, relationships etc) and to realize how much I have been hindering myself. It's also led me to see that I have more fears than I've ever taken time to acknowledge. Perhaps I refused to acknowledge them because if I did it would make them real and something for me to deal with. Here are some of the things I've discovered about myself:

1. I am weak and it's okay... in my weakness I know I can find and develop strength but exposing my weakness sure makes me vulnerable to being hurt by others and myself. I am working on being responsible for dealing with my weakness and vulnerability in a way that creates strength and doesn't hide or diminish the weakness or vulnerability.
2. I am afraid of being alone. Being alone equals failure in my mind because I look at how so many others have love. Sure they may not have monetary success, they may not have things etc, but they have what matters most in my mind, love with another. A family (whether that is just the couple or children are involved). So I am working on seeing being alone as not something to fear but to embrace because it gives me time to become the best version of myself possible and that has nothing to do with another human being. My worth and success is not and cannot be tied to the affections of any one person.
3. I do not trust my own judgment in men that I date. This is a fear created by my poor decisions and past mistakes. I am working to learn to trust myself more by working on breaking down my ideas of what I need/want/deserve in a man. I thought I had it figured out but got so distracted by things that don't matter at the end of the day. I have to break barriers in my own mind first. Hard work, but it can be done.

Let's just start with those three for the moment. There is much more I need to work on, but taking my time and working slowly towards and better self and future matters to me.

Thanks for your support, readers and friends!

Getting Unstuck!

As this year begins and the distance between my disasters grows, I have the ability to look back and assess my own responsibilities, actions and so on. And being the person I am, who tends to the melancholy and melodramatic when it comes to myself and love, I tend to get really down and hurt over all of it. But if truth be told, I am in a place right now in my life where assessing myself makes sense. It's time to look back with a mind to looking forward. I am ready to see what patterns I have been putting myself in and how those hold me back. I am ready to break the patterns and MOVE FORWARD! It's time! And as I was thinking about it and talking to my friend in LA about where we both are in our romantic lives, she gave me some good terms. She told me her goals were to live without fear and get unstuck in her life. I liked those but didn't know where she was getting this, she is brilliant so she could have come up with it herself, but she didn't. Instead she sent me to this blog: Baggage Reclaim. This wonderfully wise woman writes this blog and has several thousand readers. She has also written some e-books and has them available on her site. I highly recommend her, her blog and her books. I just started the one about getting unstuck and I can't even begin to tell you how much truth this woman spoke into my mind and heart with her words. And the thing I love best about this is that she gives you exercises to do on your own to help you assess yourself and your past patterns so that you CAN move forward. So whether you are single, stuck in a bad relationship or just want to move forward in your own relationship and life, go check out her site, what she has to say and her books. It's worth the time!!

Another Man... another song

My relationship with KJ is harder to put into just one song... our whole relationship seems to be played out over a John Legend album. It was brutal to listen to any of those songs for a while. One song was I Can Change, which KJ dedicated to me after we'd first become a little more serious. He'd had a history of failed relationships and he took responsibility for those but wanted to change with me and be/do better. Then there was the song Stay With You, which I dedicated back to him when we were in the US because things were harder and he was struggling with lots of things in life and I wanted him to know that I was there with him. Then there was Ordinary People, which talks about taking it slow and just being ordinary... we both felt that one. And then when things were falling apart, this song became my heart's cry:



But after it was all over and my heartache dulled down, it wasn't a John Legend song but a Ne-yo song that helped me move past. So many of my friends were willing to let me cry and to encourage me to look at each new day as a new song... thanks for that friends!

Songs and Men

It's funny... I thought I had nothing to say but as I was sitting here thinking of the disasters of the past 2 years in my life lots of thoughts and songs popped up in my brain... each one for a different man in my life. One of the guys that I dated last year just ended up being a disaster... but a beautiful one. I'd like to think it could have worked out, but really it was just a disaster! hahaha Kelly Clarkson's song Beautiful Disaster just seems to sum it up for me... so here you go:

So.... it's been a while

It's been a while since I posted to this blog, but as I've said, I just haven't had much to say about dating and being single lately. But it is a new year and perhaps I need to make some goals and observations... no, my goals won't include find a husband or get married by 36 or whatever. My goals will be about myself because that's how I will attract the right kind of guy in my life, but before I get to goal setting... let me catch you up on things.

I heard from the Disappearing Act... he said that he hadn't meant to leave me hanging and that isn't how he deals with issues but that he felt he needed some time to figure out what he wanted. Which is fair enough, but generally I'd have appreciated a little note saying that he needed some time to think on his own. KJ used to pull the disappearing act and it was excruciatingly painful and I refuse to go through that again... it just isn't my style. I need, want and expect more respect than being offered silence and nothing. I told DA (Disappearing Act) that and he responded that he understood that and was sorry that he hurt me and that he was just happy to have me in his life however he could have me (I had alluded to just being friends and if things happened and developed, then they did and if not, no big deal). So we started talking again... now... here is where it gets sticky or interesting. I'd met someone here who is a lovely distraction but not something serious. I like the guy and I am enjoying getting to know him but do I see it being long haul? No... he is from Tunisia, 7 years younger than me and just interested in fun and good times... so a good distraction, yes.... a long term relationship, no. Anywho... we met AFTER DA did his little act and so I didn't feel bad meeting or spending time with this guy. DA asked me in a recent conversation if I'd met someone and I told him yes I had but that it wasn't serious. He asked if we'd been physical (which really wasn't his business to ask, but we had) and I answered honestly... this is when DA flew off the handle and told me I was pretty much a hypocritical #(%&@. I chose not to discuss it further with him and thanked my lucky stars that I knew what kind of person he was before a proper relationship started... So, yea, that's where things are with all of that! So you are caught up... now on to some single life goal setting!!

This year I want to do a lot for myself.

I am setting the goal of losing some inches from the right places. And not for aesthetic reasons, but for health reasons. I want to lose about 6 inches in the waist and 10 inches in the hips. It's going to take a LOT of work and monitoring of what goes in my mouth, but I think a healthier me will be a happier me that loves herself more and is able to accept and give love better.

I am also setting the goal of nurturing my spirit and mind with good reading materials, research and study. Perhaps another masters will come out of it. I am currently looking into applying for a masters in Psychology and Counseling from a well-known university here in Turkey. Perhaps if I learn how to help others I will learn to take my own advice better and help myself along the way.

I am setting the goal of being upfront, honest and even a little demanding when it comes to relationships. I tend to put myself last in relationships and I believe that if you love someone, you put them higher than yourself. I still believe that, but if I don't feel the same kind of love from the other person, I won't stay. I won't put myself in last place again... not ever, and I WILL let the men I date know that up front.

I am setting the goal of gaining financial and personal freedom. Being bound by debt is not a good feeling and even though I won't be debt free at the end of this year, I will be closer to it and that makes me happy. I am currently investigating the sale of my vehicle in Canada (so if you are interested in a superbly maintained 2008 Ford Escape in Canada, drop me a line) and using that money to pay off that loan and put a large lump sum towards my credit card debt. I am in the middle of my 30s and have yet to take full financial control of my life... responsibility sure, but control, no! It's time!

I believe if I can do these things (and I believe that I can), then I will be in the right place for the right person. I have faith that God is watching over this and guiding these goals. Let's hope so!