Friday, June 3, 2011


I don't know what else to title this entry. It's been a long time since I reflected on my dating life, but here I am doing it. I was actually thinking about it last night as two guys that I don't know well (I met them online and we just chat) were working hard to convince me that they were the ones I needed to date. And I began to think about it (things with the Turkish guy have fizzled out to nothing... which is fine, I'm not actually upset about it). I thought about why they may or may not be good candidates for me. And they ended up not being what I need or want in my life and that's okay by me too (not them apparently as they both spent over 30+ minutes trying to convince me that distance is nothing.... one lives in London and the other in the US... and that there are a myriad of reasons why I should give them a try). But I will be honest... I'm jaded. I don't want to do long distance or any distance anymore at the start of a relationship. It's too hard and it makes things move at unnatural speeds. Would I be opposed to trying distance if a strong relationship that was marriage minded developed and then needed distance due to careers for a specific period of time? No... I'd give it a try... but I don't want to start at a distance...
Well, then I got to thinking about why I was still choosing these emotionally unavailable men and why I was so emotionally unavailable and while I still don't have an answer, I feel like there is a lot of work that needs to be done within before I can look for love from without. It makes me sad that at 35 I've wasted so much time thinking that I wasn't the issue or that it could be fixed with something quick and easy. I'm sad that I feel like opportunity has passed me by... I'm sad that I feel like I'm almost locked into a life of loneliness (although, I am pretty sure it is the PMS talking at this moment)... I'm just sad about the whole thing and I am wishing that my girls were nearby for a night with some wine, some tears, some laughs and a feeling like the weight that is heavy on my shoulders was lifted even for a little bit.
When I set out to write this blog, I did it because I needed an outlet for my fears, my funny single stories and my honest, raw feelings. I had hoped that it would be a short term way to deal with a heavy heartache but it's turning into something a little more long term. I'm full of regrets over how I've "dealt" with the heartache... I don't think I have. I think I've buried it in hopes that it would disappear or just heal on it's own. I just have a lot of work to do on just me...
And with that in mind, I am taking myself off the dating market for a time. I just need time to get things right within me... I hope that if Mr. Right stumbles into me during this time, he has the patience to be my friend and wait until I'm ready to accept and seek love from without... I'm ready to love, but being loved has to come from myself first and I haven't really allowed that properly in a long time.


  1. Ang, I think this is very wise of you! I have a dear friend who jumps right into bad relationship after bad relationship. She is so terrified of being alone. I told her, until you are happy with your OWN company you will not be able to find the right man! Not that I am a professional or anything, LOL. It's just what I think!

  2. I have known it for a long time and agree with it and even thought I was in that place already but a little self reflection is opening my eyes to some more work to be done.... but I am also afraid that I will like being alone too much and miss out on the blessing of sharing my life, heart and faith fully with another person... *sigh* I am afraid to be alone, but not in the sense that I don't like being with myself... I'm afraid that I will like it too much, I will get more jaded, bitter or cold-hearted... it's a lot to think about... but think I will

  3. I fully agree that it's important to take time for you when you need it. I think April's right, you have to love you first! I think you're too full of love and life to like it so much it becomes a life choice... I don't know you well, but that's my impression. I took a sabbatical from dating about 10 years ago, it ended when I met my hubby. I had planned on a 3 month sabbatical but part way through, he came along and the connection was so strong I ended it, luckily it worked out! I hope you have a great sabbatical from dating and it ends with you feeling happy, rejuvenated, and (still) ready to open your heart to the right guy.