Thank goodness for Facebook sometimes. I know, it's a giant brain drain, but I love how it keeps me connected with the people I love.
Tonight it opened me up to myself and let me reflect on a time in my life where I let myself (and did to myself) be treated horribly. Some of you faithful longtime readers might remember when I was living in Virginia in the US and was healing from the break-up that spawned this blog. You may even recall me dating a guy (W) for a while.
Well, confession time, I visit his profile on FB from time to time to see how he is doing (good, bad or ugly, I always hope and wish that my exes are well and happy and I hope that they wish the same for me). So I was there, looking at all his fancy updates on love and being godly and forgiving etc and I was thinking myself a fool to let this guy out of my life (yes, yes, I am THAT gullible and stupid... and yes, I tend to see the past through rose coloured glasses with too much forgiveness). I clicked the message button so that I could wish him a happy Thanksgiving (this weekend in the US) and a great upcoming birthday as a way to reconnect a dead friendship.
Well, FB now saves all your past messages and displays them when you try to send a new one. So I began to scroll up to the beginning of our messages (I should say mine since most of them were desperate attempts to get this jackass to like me or to return calls etc). I read them all and saw the desperate, lonely, respectless girl I was at that time and I also noticed what an asshat he was and how FALSE he was.
WOW!! THANK YOU FACEBOOK for being a light into the true nature of that guy (self-involved, cocky, rude, respectless, using, unkind, self-important egoist) that I didn't see because I couldn't see past my own sad neediness at the time. I needed to see how DESPERATE I was back then so that I can hopefully move past that and stop repeating that mistake in my life. *phew* Glad that FB saved those messages so that well over a year later I can see them with clearer vision and understanding and to save myself from even trying to befriend that guy again...
And, guess what? NO APOLOGIES... I stand by every word that I type here, whether he reads them or not. In almost every past message to him, I apologised for being myself, for having feelings, for having expectations.... and I spent oodles of space and characters giving him props on being a godly man, good father, friend and person... which clearly he was not.
Again - PHEW - thanks Facebook for saving me from myself!!
"The Perfect Relationship"
7 years ago