Jewelry

Do the stores not realize the sin they commit with all these commercials?! From now until the spring, it is a bombardment of commercials for the memorable moments a diamond can bring. Now, the sap in me loves these commercials, but the semi-bitter (not really) single woman in me cringes when they come on. Do I really need the reminder that I am not getting an open heart diamond necklace this year? I mean come on Jane Seymour... no one needs this! What about all those kisses that start with Kay?! Do I need to know that I am not only not getting jewelry this season, but I am not getting kisses either!?
Of course, I say this all in jest, but partly it's true. As the holidays approached, I really struggled with being single this year and every time I saw one of those commercials come on, I felt a little sadder and a little more lonely. I know that they shouldn't have that effect... but they can if you are already feeling low. So all you other chronically single ladies out there (and even you married ones that feel annoyed by the constant push for diamonds for your neck, ears, fingers and wrists that you simply can't afford), enjoy the commercials for what they are... sappy, little moments of gushy, cheesy love! I can get behind that, even in a crappy mood!

See you in the New Year... who knows what 2010 will bring?!

Therapy

This blog has been so therapeutic for me to just write. I never think about who will read it, what they will think; in short, I have never written for an audience. But I see that I have one and there is a therapy in that too. I love logging in to my blogs and reading the comments. This blog has taught me more than the other two how blessed I am. I know I fight and buck against all this singleness in my life, but in my struggle I am blessed with friends and family who love me and even the odd anonymous commenter that offers encouragement and good, sound advice. Thanks for the therapy my friends! Who needs to pay a shrink!? Just write blogs people! haha

Wishes and Dreams...

...are just that and only that, wishes and dreams. Lately, I've really been struggling with the fact that my life is nothing like I wished or dreamed that it would be. This is the first holiday season alone without the one that I had thought I would spend my life with and it's one full of tears and mourning so far. I am not mourning the loss of him (for obviously he wasn't THE ONE) but instead I am mourning the loss of MY wishes and MY dreams.
I'm not your typically girly girl. I don't like pink all that much (sure, on a scarf, but a whole top... um... NO!!), I don't like frills and glitter. I like things that are simple and beautiful. I like reality. I've never dreamed of being a mommy like most women I know, but I have dreamed of being married and as you can tell from the title of this entire blog, I am not.
When I was a kid, I saw myself being married in my late twenties, but when I got there I just wasn't ready for that (not that I had any takers) and so I thought in my early thirties I'd find the one... and then I thought I did and I thought that wishes and dreams do come true. But those got tossed on the rocks this last summer and at 34, as I reflect on my life I see that so little has turned out like my wishes and dreams.
When I was little I wanted to write books that would touch people's lives and I wanted to help people. These were my dreams... and my wishes were to do that alongside someone who would love me and look at me the way my father does with my mother (they've been married 42 years!). But at 34, I look around and see that I do get to help people as I teach and that is a HUGE blessing, but that is where it ends. I do not write books that touch people's lives (I hope that my 3 blogs at least touch someone's life) and I am no one's helpmate, no one looks at me or loves me the way that my father does my mother and there is slim to no chance that I'll ever have the pleasure of loving someone for 42 years like they have.
So I've come to see that wishes and dreams are just fanciful things to fill your head with to pass the time... they are not reality for most of us and if they are for you then I am so happy for you... it's good to know that someone has that! :)

Holidays

The holidays just aren't the same this year. Last year and the year before I was with someone that made me feel like we were a little family just the two of us. We talked about our future and went crazy finding ways to please each other with gifts and acts of kindness, but this year I have no one... I know I have my own family and my own friends that I love more than I can express and I am thankful for them but it isn't the same feeling as those last two Christmases. It's very sad and I am trying to force myself to love the holidays this year, but can I just curl up in a big blanket and wish the holidays to pass this year?

Being Still

So lately, I have been attempting to date and have been enjoying the excitement of it all, but have been disappointed with the results. I guess I just feel like I need and want more. I like the one that I have dated a lot, he is really nice, God-fearing, kind and makes me feel more beautiful than I have ever felt... and I mean EVER! But at the same time, it seems like he has a million things going on and I am just one more on the list of things... and I don't want to be one more, I want to be the ONE... so instead of throwing myself into it and into him, I am planning to let it all go and wait. Not wait on men, but wait on God.
My other friend who blogs wrote about this really great quote that a friend gave to her a few years back about what kind of man to wait for and it inspired me that maybe at this time I need to do just that... wait: be still: chill out. I know that some of you reading this are rolling your eyes because this is the exact advice you so wisely already gave me... but I think sometimes I need to walk over the coals and get a little burned before I can truly understand what I have been told. Call it being a slow learner... I would! :)
SO here is what I am waiting for (and this is my personal adaptation from the quote I read):

I am waiting for a man who loves God above all other things, people, places or positions in life. I am waiting for a man who sees me for all I am, all I am not and all I will be when God is done with me. I am waiting for a man who wants to pursue me. I am waiting for a man who is proud of me and wants the WORLD to know I am his. I am waiting for a man who makes me laugh with him, at myself and just in general. I am waiting for a man that makes me want to reach my potential and beyond. I am waiting for a man who wants to take care of me and who lets me take care of him. I am waiting for a man who challenges my mind, my set ways, my heart and my soul to be more open, more in tune with God and more in tune with the needs of those around me.

It's a tall order, I know... but like my previous entry, these are the things that I deserve and that I desire and I don't think it's too much to ask really. I know so many of my friends who have all or most of that in their lives and it's what I want too. So for now, I will concentrate on me... being the best version of the person who could inspire all of that in another and I will wait. I will be still, have faith and trust God for my future and my man.

Dating Myself

So taking a note from a friend of mine in the midst of her struggle... I decided to take myself out for a date tonight. It is the premier night of the movies New Moon and Blind Side. Both are movies I'd like to see, but I know that New Moon would be NUTS today so I decided to treat my lonely self to a movie. So I got dressed (I had already slipped into house clothes), left the house and walked to the theatre which is just 2 minutes down the road from me. When I got there, there was a HUGE line outside and I figured it was for New Moon (which for the most part it was). I stood out there for about 10 minutes when one of the workers came out and told the line that all tickets for Blind Side were sold out. So there you have it... I can't even date myself! hahaha I think I deserve a glass of wine and some chocolate to cope with that depressing news! hahaha

According to You

According to you, I would fall,

But I just ceased to stand tall.

According to you, I would feel love,

But my heart left like a dove.

According to you, a life together would be spent,

But I wonder where that promise went.

According to you, I was all,

But your tales were tall.

As I watched So You Think You Can Dance tonight there was a performance by the guitarist that was meant to perform with Michael Jackson. Her song was titled According to You... and it inspired me, made me look back on my past relationship and this is the best way to sum it up. I hope no one sees bitterness in the words, because there was none, I simply observe the past years with him like this. It makes me a little sad, but I am in such a better place in my life now... :)

Jealousy's Cure

As I mentioned in my previous post, jealousy is an ugly thing and it can make a person ugly if they let it eat at them and make them bitter. As I struggle to figure out who I am, what I really want and how it's all supposed to fit together, I am prone to be jealous of those around me who have what my heart desires... I know that the grass is always greener on the other side and that being married isn't any easier than being single, but what can I say? I am weak at times and fall victim to the jealousy that threatens to consume. As I wrote my earlier post (and this often happens for me), I gained perspective and a calm over me.

In my writing, things often become more clear because in my writing, I release the emotion through my fingers and onto the page or the blog, as the case may be. It is a gift, and I truly believe that. I don't mean to say that I am a good writer, by any means. In fact, I am pretty sure that this is rambling and my organization and grammar aren't that great... but that isn't the point of this blog or of anything I have ever written. I write it for my own personal, self-prescribed therapy and in the hopes that someone reading it will identify with me and perhaps feel better. I also hope that some of the entries are funny enough to evoke a laugh, and most of all, I hope the entries are honest enough to let people see the truth of being single at 34.

Anyway, back to the topic: the cure for jealousy. I really think that the cure for my jealousy was to turn it into something else. It's like worry... the more you worry, the more nervous, upset, anxious, sad etc you get and then you cycle into more worry. But if when that worry begins to come over you, you turn it into positive thoughts and prayers, you will have harnessed it for a better purpose for you and those involved... and so that is how I am approaching my jealousy. When I begin to feel jealous over something that shouldn't matter so much, I will harness those thoughts through positivity and prayer and I will turn them into congratulations and happiness for the ones getting what my heart desires. It won't be easy, but I know it will work.

My other cure, is to go out for a couple drinks with the girls and to just laugh as much as possible. That's what I did tonight and it helped me gain perspective on what is really important. It also helped me to remember that I am the one who has the power to turn those thoughts and feelings into something better. Sure, I need help with it... and I know where my Help comes from... but I know and I believe that it can be done.

SO there is my profound soap box moment... all conjured up in my head over an evening of laughs with good people and a few tasty beers. Life is good, I have no real complaints and nothing to be jealous of because I am BLESSED.

Jealousy is Ugly

No matter which way you look at it, jealousy is ugly... and right now I am feeling jealous. I am jealous of the things I don't have (I know, I am paying much too much attention to the unimportant things around me and need to pay more attention to the important things within me)... and those things include a relationship, a life shared with another, friend's engagements, marriages and families, and happiness. There is no particular reason for me to feel this way, I just get overwhelmed sometime with my own loneliness when I look out and see myself surrounded by happy, busy lives. I know that this means I need to turn my eyes inward and upward and writing about it on here helps me to do that... So thanks for reading, even though it isn't a funny or sarcastic or enjoyable entry. It's just a window into the rawness of my emotions. I am constantly growing, changing and figuring out who I am and writing it on here allows me to release it all. Call it stress management.

All in a Song...

My friend posted these lyrics to her blog which I have been following. Her experience isn't exactly like mine but close enough. I read her blog and these lyrics by Jordin Sparks and almost fell out on the floor. I am so ready for the love to be equal, but it seems I've got a long way to go... my gullible heart still needs to learn so much about hearing another. Read the lyrics...

-When you told me that I was a star in the sky
Baby, I believed every word
And you seemed so sincere, it was perfectly clear
'Cause forever was all that I heard

And every little kiss from your tender lips
Couldn't have been a lie
I fell heart over head without a safety net
I don't understand it's goodbye

Was I the only one who fell in love?
There never really was the two of us
Maybe my all just wasn't good enough
Was I the only one, only one in love?

As I walk down the hall I see the place on the wall
Where the picture of us used to be
I fight back these tears 'cause I still feel you here
How could you walk out so easily?

And I don't understand how I can feel this pain
And still be alive
And all these broken dreams and all these memories
Are killing me inside

Was I the only one who fell in love?
There never really was the two of us
Maybe my all just wasn't good enough
Was I the only one, only one?

Tell me what I'm supposed to do with all this love
Baby, it was supposed to be the two of us
Help me 'cause I still don't want to believe
I was the only one, I was the only one

I was the only one who fell in love
There never really was the two of us
Maybe my all just wasn't good enough
I was the only one, the only one

I was the only one who fell in love
There never really was the two of us
Maybe my all just wasn't good enough
Was I the only one, the only one in love, oh

When you told me that I was a star in the sky
Baby, I believed every word--

Date 2

So date 2 finally did happen and it was great. We did talk a lot about the silence and how bothersome it is to women in general and me in specifics. I promised to try and be more patient and he promised to try and be more communicative. Hopefully, there will be a third date... he is away for 3 weeks on business, so I'll update you when the time comes... still looking for and loving advice from all my lovely readers and friends.

Gullible Girl

I am so sick of being so gullible and trusting. Why is it that I fall for everything? Last week I went on a date and it was one of the best first dates I'd been on. It was just a simple dinner, but the company was so enjoyable to look at and to talk too. He made me feel beautiful and comfortable and myself right from the get go. We met online at eHarmony and had gone through all the answering of questions etc and I felt like I was really getting to know him. When he finally asked for the date, I was really excited as I was almost positive that he'd forgotten about me at that point (we hadn't chatted or emailed in about 2 weeks). And as I said, the date went well and there was lots of talk about a second date (from him). I was elated when he wanted to set a date early in the week. The second date was meant to take place up in W-burg but he ended up canceling because he was invited to the Obama rally at Old Dominion University. What an awesome opportunity for him and I can't compete with seeing the president speak (I know because I've seen him speak live and the man is amazing!). So then a new second date was set for the next day and I got stood up (a first for me) but I accepted his apology and left the rescheduling of the date in his hands. He promised to make it up to me, to plan a wonderful and romantic date. So when he texted me on Friday for a date, I was pretty happy. Unfortunately I had already made plans with friends to go to the movies. I told him that he could come with us and then he and I could do something separate afterwards... or if since it was hard to book a date, I postponed my stuff with my friends and met with him instead. I heard nothing back... NOTHING. I feel so stupid, like I am too forgiving, too trusting, too stupid. Am I gullible? Am I stupid? Am I too trusting? I don't want to have a hard heart or give up, but how much am I suposed to take? *sigh* I need my wonderful friends to be in my back pocket and brain while I walk through this process of finding Mr. Right. I don't want Mr. Right-Now anymore... I want Mr. Right but it's so hard for me to figure out the intentions of a guy.

A Different Era

My mom is in her early sixties now and she loves to console me about my dating life... and when I try to tell her that she doesn't understand I am sure it insults her. But the thing is, she doesn't.

My mom was married by the time she was 20 and had loads of men chasing her through her teens. She met my dad on a fix-up and had the nerve to not be overly interested for a while because she had the luxury of choosing other men who were pursuing her until she realized that my dad was the best man around. Nowadays it is different.

I am 34 and have very few prospects on the horizon but it is a heck of a lot more than I had at 20, that's for sure! I never dated through my teens years and haven't had a lot of guys knocking down my door for a date ever. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever even been on a "date." I've hung out with a guy here and there, but there hasn't been that old fashioned idea of a date in my life ever.

And I've never been on a fix-up date ever either... but I think that might be my fault. My friends are probably all nervous to even try fixing me up because I am pretty picky (I'm looking for a guy that looks at me the way my father and their husbands look at my mother and them, respectively).

So, times are different and that generation can't understand what it is to be like me. Also, none of my married friends really get it either, they were never 34 and single... I am. I love the desire to empathize with me, but face it married people... you can't. So instead, just sympathize and love me through the fun, quirky, sometimes ugly phase of singleness.

What I Deserve....

I really haven't blogged on this blog in a while. I have been talking to someone new and he seems really great but I've begun to question what I really want. He doesn't live right here either and it seems that he wants me to come and see him instead of coming down this way or meeting half way. So I began to think about what I deserve. I deserve first place ALWAYS! I mean, I know that there are times when I should choose to take second so that he can advance his career or whatever (the he in this case is no one in particular), but that would be because I was making HIM FIRST PLACE in my life.... which is what he would deserve. And I just think long distance isn't making me first place. I don't know... I am just not into making all the effort and then to be left hanging. That is what happened last time and if nothing else, I needed to learn from my mistakes right?
So here is what I deserve... my bucket list for a life-long relationship if you will:

I deserve to be the most important PERSON in his life (not the most important overall, that needs to be Christ).

I deserve to be treated like a queen.

I deserve to be forgiven when my stress and emotions get the better of me and I am not always nice.

I deserve to laugh a lot!

I deserve to feel safe and secure.

I deserve open and HONEST communication at ALL times, no exceptions.

Of course if I deserve these things, the man that I am in that relationship with would also deserve the same from me....

Not too much to ask, is it? I see lots of people getting these things in their relationships but I don't seem to be able to find that for mine... hence the title of Chronically Single...

3 Names on Facebook

You know, today I was bored (what else is new?) and I was looking at the profiles of my friends on facebook. Most of my female friends (and male too really) are married. As I was stalking their profiles (and thereby their lives), I began to think about their screen names.
Most of my married friends have their first name, their maiden name and then there married name. I love that because it pays homage to both times in their lives (and it makes them a hell of a lot easier to find on facebook when you haven't seen or heard from them for a long time BEFORE they were married and you don't know their new married name). But as I continued to look, I began to think of my single status and my 2 lonely names on facebook. I want 3 names too! I know it seems silly, but I do.
I am at a place in my life where I am so ready to share it with someone else. Don't get scared friends, I am not desperate nor am I joining the Moonies for a mass wedding, I am just coming the realisation that I am fianlly ready for that step in life. I wasn't ready in my 20s, that's for sure. I still had no idea who I was yet. I wasn't ready as I was entering my 30s either, I was too busy enjoying the discovery of who I am. But now, now I am ready and there is no prospect on the horizon. And thanks to Dr. Phil, it has me worried.
His show yesterday talked about how the marketability of women goes WAY down as they age. I am only 34 but even I feel this. A few years back, lots of guys were interested to date me and I never had a shortage of flirtatious moments... but now, it is like pulling teeth to get a second look (yes, this could be because I am chubby, I will grant you that, but I was chubby then too... although less chubby). *sigh*
Maybe 3 names on facebook just isn't in the cards for me...

Weeding

You know, one of the hardest things about being single again is weeding through all duds to find the good one. I've decided that I simply have too much to offer to stay single for forever, so I am trying to put myself back out there. I am trying to date, which is hard here when I don't know where you go to meet people. So I've paid the bill and put myself on eHarmony.com and am seeing what that brings me. And it's introduced me to lots of nice guys, some of which I am chatting with online... but I just dread taking that next step... it's such a risk. *sigh* Also, it's no help that these guys aren't go getters when it comes to dating. They seem so reluctant and hesitant. I know that is a clear indication that things aren't right.... I just don't know what to do? I supose the right answer is to just wait on the Lord and His timing, but it is so hard to do that when you have been waiting around for so long already.

Closure came in a card...

So I've come to the conclusion that I must make my own closure in this situation. Kelvin won't be doing anything to help me with that and to be honest, I need to take control of the situation. I, for far too long, gave up control over the direction of our relationship and therefore gave up control of the results too. So I've been dealing with the range of emotions and the grief in the loss of a relationship slowly but surely. I know I am not "all better" yet but I feel like I have turned a corner and that is wonderful.
Kelvin is about to retire from his military career, a huge milestone and a stressful one too as he begins the next phase in his life. This brought stress to our relationship, but that is besides the point. Bad timing for "us" I guess. :) But, being who I am, I couldn't let the milestone pass without acknowledgment, no matter how much he hurt me. Because no matter how distant he was from me, and how lacking he was in emotions for me, I always knew how wonderful he was at his job. He has a great passion for his field and for his service to his country and I respect that greatly. And in recognizing that, I found some good in him again. I began to feel like my own emotions were coming full circle and that is when I turned the corner.
So to really turn that corner, I knew I needed to acknowledge it formally. So I pulled out the card I bought Kelvin (good thing I hadn't gone ahead and bought the $300 bag he had eyed months ago too) and filled it out. I didn't tell him that he was forgiven (even though I think I have done that too) but that I wanted to congratulate him on this milestone and that I hoped he would truly enjoy it and celebrate it to the hilt with his family and friends because that was deserved. I don't know if he will open the card, or if he will understand what it really says, but I can only pray that he will.
So you see, my closure came in the act of writing that card, addressing it and popping it in the mail. I will not forget my hurts, I will not forget the weeks filled with pure ache, I will not forget the seemingly ceaseless tears, but nor will I forget the smiles, the laughs, the lessons learned or the good times. Perhaps closure really isn't like the definition says... a closing of something... perhaps it is the ability to walk through the door and not look behind with regrets. I don't regret the relationship we had... I really and truly don't. I am not pleased with outcome or the person that was revealed to me at the end... but I won't regret it at all, not even the painful parts because in those I became a stronger, better version of the person God created me to be.

Struggle

People tell me what they like best about this blog is the honesty in which I am moving through this process of pain and healing. Right now it doesn't feel much like healing at all. On the exterior I am laughs, strength and determination... inside I ache. It is simply the best word for what I feel. The times of tears are fewer and father between but they still come out of nowhere and take my breath fully out of my body. I wish I meant that in a figurative way, but I don't. I literally struggle to breath sometimes.
For the past two days Kelvin has haunted my dreams and the dreams have been so realistic that I wake up feeling disoriented. I put it off to exhaustion but as I sit here, coming down with my first cold of the school year, I am not keen to sleep because I don't want him to enter my mind or heart more than he did in the past. I know in my head that this is all part of the healing... but I want so badly to fast track through it. I don't want to feel any of this, especially because of the disregard he has had for me and my feelings.
I heard a professor say once that there is 2% truth in every lie... and that is how I view the last 2 years... just 2 % of it was true and the rest was lies. It's hard to come to terms with that much lying... harder still to discern what was true in all of it. Maybe I was the only truth in it and all I was allowed to contribute was 2% even though I tried to throw 110% of myself into it.
I don't know... seems like the late night ramblings of a crazy single person, doesn't it? Perhaps that is all it is, I kinda feel crazy these days... putting up this happy, positive, strong front when all I want is to stay at home and give in to the breath-taking tears. But as they say... fake it until you make it, right?

Learning Lessons

In the midst of my pain and my recovery from the loss of a relationship, it is easy to get caught up in all the negatives. And that isn't who I am. I remember a time in my life when that was who I was, when I couldn't see the silver linings or the goodness in my life, but that isn't who I am now.

So even though I wrote an entry about the best things about single before, I'd like to say what I am grateful for... not in being single, but in leaving a relationship. Kelvin was never abusive or truly mean or anything but I will say that he wasn't honest with me and that was just as bad. So I am grateful not to have to worry about what was truth and what wasn't anymore. I am also grateful that I don't have to wonder what gifts were given from the heart and what came out of the guilt of his dishonesty. I am grateful for the strength of character that I value and that I have held strong to in all of this. I am grateful in learning more about myself through this process. I am grateful in learning more about the friends in my life and the support that they have given me. I am grateful in having grown as a person through the relationship and even more as it has ended. I am grateful for the wisdom I am still gaining in regards to relationships. And I am even grateful for the hurt and the tears because it makes me stronger and less afraid to feel things.

Closure

It's a funny word isn't it? According to www.dictionary.com it is:

clo⋅sure

1.	the act of closing; the state of being closed.

2.	a bringing to an end; conclusion.

3.	something that closes or shuts.

At the end of a relationship, we ask for all these things too but seldom do we get them. In my recently ended relationship, I thought I needed closure through a conversation. I had (and still have to be honest) a lot of questions about what happened or didn't happen. I wanted (and believed that I needed) to know where it went wrong, what I did wrong, what I did right, when things changed for us, why things changed, why he lied so blatantly when we'd pledged to be honest at all times, why the communication died... I know that he may not have had answers and most of the answers he would have had I really would not have wanted to hear, but I felt like if I could just ask them to him, or have my say that I would feel an ending to our relationship. Unfortunately, this one request was denied (I'd like to point out that it was one of the very few requests I ever made in the two years that we dated) and I have been feeling lost and in limbo. But this past weekend I went and spent some time with one of my many wise and wonderful friends and we talked a lot about my relationship and hers. It was so good to speak to her and hear her objective perspective and surprising thoughts. The most surprising, honest and best advice she gave to me was to tell me that I had to MAKE my own closure. I chewed on this thought for a long time, even on and off all day today and I decided that this blog just might be my closure. This blog offers me something that Kelvin never did, a place to voice my thoughts and feelings without fear or trepidation. So thank you readers for being part of my closure... hopefully as you witness my progress in this you won't be bored with my honesty or my need to re-hash things several times before I am done with it. Thank you for reading.

More Silly Married People Sayings...

This past weekend I was visiting a good single friend in North Carolina. She is also in her 30s like me and being around her was wonderful for me as she helped me gain some good and positive perspective on being single. But we did have a good chat about those sayings that married people like to say to single people. I've heard these sayings from my own married friends and I know that they have the best of intentions but if you are married and reading this or you have married friends that say this to you, send them this blog entry and tell them to STOP saying these things to their single friends. It's not uplifting, or encouraging. I know they only want to help, but as said in a previous entry, take the single person out for drinks or dinner and have a NORMAL conversation that has nothing to do with marital status or lack thereof. Okay, with that disclaimer said... go ahead and read some of the sayings below and feel free to add your own or your own comments about the sayings that married people say to single people...

1) "Sometimes I wish I were still single, you have it so easy when you are single." Um... okay, yea... so then why did you get married?! If single life is all you think it is or should be, then why did you get married?!?! Married people, we single people understand the benefits of being single and yet some of us still want to get married so telling us that being single is better really does nothing for us. *sigh* People want what they don't have I guess...

2)"Singleness is a gift." WHAT?!?! from who? And what exactly is it a gift for? Being single has tons of benefits, but I wouldn't call it a gift... perhaps a fun time or a time in your life for focusing on yourself but a gift? Hmmm... I have trouble figuring out that one. I mean, if it is such a gift, then why does EVERYONE get it at some point in their life? Why are some forced to have the "gift" for longer than others....

3)"I'm so glad I don't have to date anymore" HAHAHAHA... this is not encouraging, married people. You don't make single people feel better about entering the jungle of dating each time they have a failed relationship when you say that you are so happy that you don't have to do that. It's like saying you are so glad you don't have to get dressed anymore. Dating is rough, but it can be a ton of fun. But it is also scary to get back into when you are getting out of a relationship and so when you tell us with the best sympathy faces you can muster that you are so glad it isn't you, it really discourages us.

Well, that is what I have come up with so far... I am sure that I will hear more or remember more as I walk deeper in my life of being single. :)

Choosing Love

I think one of the things that I reminded of as I talk to my wonderful parents (who will be married for 43 years in November), as I talk to my wonderful friends (both the married ones and the single ones) and as I look at my past relationships etc is that love is a choice. Every day, every hour, every minute. When you wake up and see that person laying next to you (messy or gorgeous), you have to decide that for this day, this hour, this minute you will love them. And you have to continue to make that choice all throughout that day, that hour, that minute. And then when you lay down next to that person at night (or in your own bed but still in the relationship) you have to choose again to love that person through the night, the hour, the minute.
The only problem is that you can't be sure that the person you are choosing to love is choosing to love you back. Tricky thing this love, isn't it? I just wanted people to know that love is an emotion but in a relationship it is a CHOICE. I hope that all my readers choose love at some point and are chosen in love by your choice.

Best Things...

Okay, enough wallowing in the downfalls of being single for the moment. You all know I will get back to that sometime soon I am sure (especially since I am trying to start dating again... I know, I know, it is crazy soon... but I am 34 and not keen to just wait around for "the one" to drop out of the sky).
Anyway, I decided to write about some of the best things about being single in today's entry (although, I would probably do these things in a relationship too... well some of them, I'll put a * next to those ones... hahaha). So here is my list:

1. Getting up and doing as I please (no checking with the significant other to make sure I am not stepping on their toes or screwing up their plans for the day)

2. Spa Days in the home.* I usually take one day in the weekend and really treat myself nice. I wake up when I am good and ready, I lounge around in PJs for a while having breakfast and coffee, then a super long shower with lots of soap, bubbles, exfoliating and singing in the shower, then maybe a mask for the face, a delicious leisurely lunch while lounging around braless(the braless thing is key for a spoiling me day), reading a book and generally relaxing. Sounds good right? ;)

3. Reading in bed.* It's just nice to leave the light on and get lost in a book for as long as I like.

Okay... I need to add to this list later... I've gotten distracted by phone calls from my parents, text messages and chitchat with my roommate. Well, that and my grumbling tummy. hehehe

Feel free to add your own best things about being single... Oh!! I forgot the picking up and traveling or moving when I want! hahaha that is number 4!

Just Words

Okay single ladies (and gents)... I need to talk about the power of words. To me, words carry a heavy weight and power to them. They have the power to lift a spirit or to crush it. They have the power to enlighten a mind or to darken it. They have the power to give joy and to steal it. There is no wonder that the Bible says that the tongue is sharp because of the words that it can send out into the world from the heart. And I do believe that while the mind tells the mouth and tongue what to do in order to get the sounds out in an orderly and understandable (well, sometimes orderly and often times not understandable) manner, it is the heart that comes up with what to say (I know, I know scientists in the crowd... the heart is the mind, just a different centre of synapses). So I guess that is why words have so much power. They come from the heart, they come from the core of who you are. Even when you are lying...there is a little truth there. Isn't that what a lie is: twisted truth? And I believe that truth is the essence of who you are, so lie or not, you are in your words.
So, with that understanding, or my understanding of what words are, I begin to wonder why people are often so careless with them. I know I have been careless a time or two with my words as well. I have often let the anger in my heart escape my lips instead of taking time to calm my heart and capture my thoughts so that I can speak from my heart in a way that doesn't negatively impact others. But I think that is part of the human condition, to make those kinds of mistakes and to learn from them. I am a work in progress in every aspect of my life and I love to learn so I think I am in the best position to be better in all manners of being. But I begin to wonder about others.
Recently, I have come to find out that my past relationship was built on twisted truths. I thought that the love that was expressed from his mouth was truth but it was lie. I thought that the commitment that was spoken from his mouth (he had told me, my family and my friends how much he loved me, that he wanted to spend his life with me and that he wanted to marry me specifically) were truth, but they were not, they were also lies. As he put it, "I know I said words of commitment before, but they were just words and that is all." JUST WORDS?! But words have power and carry weight. Words come from your heart... don't they? Is it different for men and women? For men, are words just things you have to toss around regardless? Or do they also believe in the power of words? I am sure that many men do believe in the power of words and I believed that I had found one, but found out two years later that I was wrong.
Lesson for the single: Words are beautiful and ugly at the same time. Guard your heart and mind from the ugly and seek the beautiful. And if you figure out how to do that... let me know.

Screw Hollywood

Okay... here is my thought. I really do not have patience for Hollywood anymore. I've loaded this blog with movie posters that have helped to feed the lie fed to men and women all over the world. Hollywood wants us to believe that love falls out of the sky and just clicks. But that is not the way it happens, nor is it the way it should happen. Love, and all other good things in life, take work. And that is a good thing. It doesn't just happen overnight, you don't fall in love over a random email, or laying in a closet with your favourite shoes, or with a time traveler, or over a few memories of subway rides and drunken moments, or with random strangers on the street.... sure it makes for a nice story and some good drama, but it is not reality. But us single women out there (and probably some men) start believing the stories and thinking that that kind of spontaneous, crazy love is available for all... but it isn't. It is make believe... I am guilty of getting caught up in it.... it's time to put those stories in their place, with Cinderella and the rest of them.

Bambi

You know that scene in Bambi, when Thumper said "Kinda wobbly, isn' t he?" Well that is how I feel in my newly (and chronic) single status. I feel like my legs are brand new and that they don't work very well at the moment. I feel like it is shear will power that is keeping my feet under me most days and I am scared most of the time because of the fact that this new, wobbly legs of mine could just slip out from under me at any time and leave me hurt and crumpled on the floor below me. But, while the fear of reoccuring pain is strong, so is the will to stand tall and straight on my own again. I know that even in all this fear and wobbliness, there is something positive and wonderful too. There is a newness which is awesome, like the colors of the world are different now (maybe not brighter, but new somehow) and there are adventures waiting for me when I am strong enough and ready to embark on them. There is also something positive in the strength that is building in these new single legs as I take baby Bambi steps forward. So while the fear and pain sometimes consumes me, the strength and newness keeps me going forward one wobbly step at a time. (and to those Thumpers in my life, you know...the ones that help me get back on my wobbly legs when I slip on the ice... thank you!)

Getting Back To ME!!

Part of embracing this single life that I find myself in is finding a way back to myself. I am generally a happy and fun loving person who will walk to the ends of the earth for the people she loves. But in heartbreak, I find that I struggle to know any of that side of myself. Instead, I get stuck in the sad, frustrated and angry side of me... a side I don't like and would rather that people not meet until they know the real me a lot better. So part of getting back to me means making changes and embracing the change iny life. One on the things that tends to change is my furniture arrangement in my bedroom (I don't want memories of it the way it was when it was shared in any way with another) and the other is to change something about my appearance and that tends to be my hair. Before the break-up my hair was long, down to the middle of my back. I'd say it was luxurious, but that would be a lie... hahaha It was just long and in the humidity or rain it has a puffy yet stringy appearance that is in no way appealing. So a time for change was coming anyway and then the break up happened (I should be clear and say that I was the one doing the breaking up since the ex couldn't seem to decide after 2 years of being together if the timing was right to move forward - I'd already moved my life halfway across the world for him and heard numerous confessions of love and the guarantee of a solid future together at this point but was seeing no actions to match the words), so it was as good a time as any to chop the locks and begin again with life. I like the new hair. It suits the side of me that I love... the fun, flippant, silly, cute side of me. :) I hope you like it too!!

Lumpy Throats

When do the lumps in your throat go away when you return to your single life? I get them seeing a slightly sappy commercial or TV show, I get them when I see other couples (whether I know them or not), I get them looking at old pictures, I get them when I talk to my closest friends about what is happening in my life right now (which is why I haven't talked to some of you), I get them when I open my email and he has sent me an innocent message, I get them when I wake up in the morning and when I go to bed at night... *sigh* I just want to know how to cure the lumpy throat syndrome. I don't mind having it when I see a sad movie or when something really bad or super touching happens, but at the moment, it is far too frequent and overwhelming. Any ideas?

Ah... Ice Cream...

It's one of my vices for sure but it is a go to tool for healing a broken heart. Most single women know this and a few married ones use it too, to help heal a disappointments and heartbreaks in their married lives (and those who no longer use it, remember it from their single days). So as I have been thrust back into my single life, I have become more and more acquainted with my old friend ice cream... even in Mexico I took my daily "medical" dose of the sweet frozen treat. Why do you think it is that women turn to ice cream in times of emotional need? I'm not sure of the answer to that, but I am thankful for the gift of sweet relief the treat gives for the few minutes it takes to eat it. :) Although, 3 weeks into my life as a newly (and chronically) single woman, I am in need of a treadmill more than a bowl and spoon! I vow to hit the gym again on Monday morning and to stop my daily "medical" treatment as of Wednesday morning (Tuesday is my birthday so I plan to indulge on that day for sure!!).

Patience

"Oh, sweetie, don't worry... there was once a lady in my church who got married for the first time when she was fifty and" SLAP. That is what I would like to do when someone gives me that story: I'd like to land a huge, resounding, open-fisted b!t@h slap on their chin. I've even thought it in my head while I plaster a thoughtful, I am listening smile on my ever more annoyed face. It is one of my single girl fantasies, to punch or slap the next married woman who smiles and tells me that I just need to be more patient and then uses that horrible line as if it is meant to comfort me. I KNOW that God will work in His time, I KNOW that things happen when they are supposed to, but I DON'T WANT TO HEAR about the fifty year old woman who found love for the first time. This is NOT encouraging, married people. It is not fun to think that when the best years of your youth are gone, you will find that special someone and begin a life together. It's not fun.
So all you well meaning, wonderfully wed women out there, thank you but no thank you when it comes to that story. Instead, why don't you put your pity eyes back in your head and find a way to take your friend's mind off her singleness. (No, that doesn't mean that you share the evils of your married life with us) Take her out for a drink or dinner, remember the times that you were both single and being silly together. Do something, anything that has NOTHING to do with whether you are married, in a relationship or single. Just be a friend, not a married friend.

Newly Single... AGAIN!!

Okay, so I've recently become single, AGAIN! At least this time it was after a two year relationship, which was my longest ever. In dealing with this new heartbreak, I began to think of all the things I hate most about being single, all the things I hate about my friends who are married and tell me that single life is such fun, and all the things I hate about explaining why I am STILL single at 33 years old. So as I began to think of all these things, I realized that I have a lot to say on the subject of singleness. And then I began to think that in my new obsession with blogging, it might be a good subject to blog on. I don't want it to be a bitter woman's club, or confessions of an angry single woman... but I do want the window to be open on what it is like to be a single woman. So please stay tuned and feel free to add your own stories and comments. Happy reading, single people!!