Sunday, December 13, 2009

Wishes and Dreams...

...are just that and only that, wishes and dreams. Lately, I've really been struggling with the fact that my life is nothing like I wished or dreamed that it would be. This is the first holiday season alone without the one that I had thought I would spend my life with and it's one full of tears and mourning so far. I am not mourning the loss of him (for obviously he wasn't THE ONE) but instead I am mourning the loss of MY wishes and MY dreams.
I'm not your typically girly girl. I don't like pink all that much (sure, on a scarf, but a whole top... um... NO!!), I don't like frills and glitter. I like things that are simple and beautiful. I like reality. I've never dreamed of being a mommy like most women I know, but I have dreamed of being married and as you can tell from the title of this entire blog, I am not.
When I was a kid, I saw myself being married in my late twenties, but when I got there I just wasn't ready for that (not that I had any takers) and so I thought in my early thirties I'd find the one... and then I thought I did and I thought that wishes and dreams do come true. But those got tossed on the rocks this last summer and at 34, as I reflect on my life I see that so little has turned out like my wishes and dreams.
When I was little I wanted to write books that would touch people's lives and I wanted to help people. These were my dreams... and my wishes were to do that alongside someone who would love me and look at me the way my father does with my mother (they've been married 42 years!). But at 34, I look around and see that I do get to help people as I teach and that is a HUGE blessing, but that is where it ends. I do not write books that touch people's lives (I hope that my 3 blogs at least touch someone's life) and I am no one's helpmate, no one looks at me or loves me the way that my father does my mother and there is slim to no chance that I'll ever have the pleasure of loving someone for 42 years like they have.
So I've come to see that wishes and dreams are just fanciful things to fill your head with to pass the time... they are not reality for most of us and if they are for you then I am so happy for you... it's good to know that someone has that! :)


  1. First of all, YES you can curl up in a blanket and skip the holidays! In fact, can I join you? Secondly, your parents' marriage sounds just beautiful! I think marriages like that are so very rare and special. Third, it is also very rare for anyone's life to turn out how they thought it would be. I am having the same issue, actually! HELLO...deadbeat unemployed husband and losing my house to foreclosure at almost age 40? Oh yeah. My total dream. It seems like I am surrounded by people with the perfect children (you boy and one girl 2.5 years apart), handsome husband with good job, house with all the works, etc! Ugh. I am seriously going to join you under that blanket, and I am bringing some WINE (and whine).

  2. Oh and fourth of all..your blog DOES touch me. :)In a nice and not dirty sort of way.

  3. April... only you can make me laugh and have a touching moment all at the same time... Can I clone you but make you a man? hahaha
    And bring the wine and the whine... I am DOWN for it! *sigh* I know most people don't have the life they dream of... I am just whining and mourning what I thought I was finally going to have... life isn't ever easy, is it?

  4. Your blog touches me, and that fact you know because our lives tend to mirror each other somewhat. I used to dream a million things about marriage, children and how my life would play out as a whole - and none of it has happened as I had wished and dreamed for but you know what - I will still wish and dream for a life that will make me happy. It gives me hope, if I can imagine it then it just may be possible. The difference is that there are so many factors we cannot control, we can dream about our 'perfect lives' but never take into account the bumps along the way that can alter those dreams. All we have to do is change the timeline of those wishes and dreams, maybe change some of the people involved but keep the essentials. Your support for me in one of my wishes means so much to me and even though it's taken me 10 years to realise it it's a wish I won't give up on, the wish is what I have now to keep me going forward.

    Keep wishing, keep dreaming - they'll take form sooner rather than later and then you can create new wishes and dreams!

  5. I think I would be worse as a man, LOL! I think life is easy for some people, unfortunately. But it is much worse for others! I try to think horrible thoughts to make myself feel better. Ya know...what if my kids had cancer? What if I was born in some horrible country full of mosquitoes? Negativity breeds thankfulness. I am twisted, I know. We are pretty lucky if you look at it with a world view. It's just hard to broaden our sight. Keep looking up at God and it will help!