So I've come to the conclusion that I must make my own closure in this situation. Kelvin won't be doing anything to help me with that and to be honest, I need to take control of the situation. I, for far too long, gave up control over the direction of our relationship and therefore gave up control of the results too. So I've been dealing with the range of emotions and the grief in the loss of a relationship slowly but surely. I know I am not "all better" yet but I feel like I have turned a corner and that is wonderful.
Kelvin is about to retire from his military career, a huge milestone and a stressful one too as he begins the next phase in his life. This brought stress to our relationship, but that is besides the point. Bad timing for "us" I guess. :) But, being who I am, I couldn't let the milestone pass without acknowledgment, no matter how much he hurt me. Because no matter how distant he was from me, and how lacking he was in emotions for me, I always knew how wonderful he was at his job. He has a great passion for his field and for his service to his country and I respect that greatly. And in recognizing that, I found some good in him again. I began to feel like my own emotions were coming full circle and that is when I turned the corner.
So to really turn that corner, I knew I needed to acknowledge it formally. So I pulled out the card I bought Kelvin (good thing I hadn't gone ahead and bought the $300 bag he had eyed months ago too) and filled it out. I didn't tell him that he was forgiven (even though I think I have done that too) but that I wanted to congratulate him on this milestone and that I hoped he would truly enjoy it and celebrate it to the hilt with his family and friends because that was deserved. I don't know if he will open the card, or if he will understand what it really says, but I can only pray that he will.
So you see, my closure came in the act of writing that card, addressing it and popping it in the mail. I will not forget my hurts, I will not forget the weeks filled with pure ache, I will not forget the seemingly ceaseless tears, but nor will I forget the smiles, the laughs, the lessons learned or the good times. Perhaps closure really isn't like the definition says... a closing of something... perhaps it is the ability to walk through the door and not look behind with regrets. I don't regret the relationship we had... I really and truly don't. I am not pleased with outcome or the person that was revealed to me at the end... but I won't regret it at all, not even the painful parts because in those I became a stronger, better version of the person God created me to be.
"The Perfect Relationship"
8 years ago