Saturday, May 29, 2010

Purgatory

So today I was driving to New York city and as I left DC (where I had spent the morning) I headed north. For some reason it didn't dawn on me that I would have to pass by Kelvin's house to get to NYC. I know that I don't have any more feelings for him (I just gave away some of the things he gave me during the course of our relationship and it didn't phase me at all), but at the same time I was near hyper ventilating as I drove past his neighbourhood. I looked at every BMW X5 that came up the road. I was a ball of nerves. Sure, I'd love to see him again... I'd love to tell him that I am dating again... I'd love to tell him that I am fine (am I?)... I'd love for him to notice my more sculpted legs and the 20 lbs I've lost... but the thought of seeing him happy or with someone else guts me. Because knowing his manipulative self, he is probably in a fully committed relationship with a gorgeous, fit woman... *sigh* I never felt good enough in the relationship and I am afraid to see that I really wasn't... that he traded up. I know I shouldn't care, but I still kind of want him to be as unhappy as he made me for this last year. As I told one of my good friends: this break up didn't just break my heart, it broke all of me. It broke my self esteem, it broke my self image, it broke my mind, it broke my faith... it broke the essence of me. I am still trying to get all of those things back and until I have them back I am faking it until I make it. As for running in to Kelvin, well, I didn't... and if I ever do... I will fake it that I am just perfect.... because one day I will make it, God willing.
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3 comments:

  1. AprilMayMay 29, 2010 at 8:38 PM

    Yes you will make it one day very soon! You are on the right path! And I would die without my girlfriends. I'm just sayin'! I hope you have a fun rest of the weekend and I am praying for safe travels!

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  2. AlishaMay 29, 2010 at 9:06 PM

    As you know, I was also broken hearted and broken after Kirk and I broke up. But I feel confident that I am a better version of myself for having and processing those experiences! And I know that you are as well! You will find a companion that supplements you, making you a better version of yourself and based on what I know of your relationship with Kelvin, he did not do that. My dear, you need to upgrade from him, not vice versa! :)

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  3. AngelaMaeMay 30, 2010 at 8:13 PM

    Amen to that upgrade thought!! I do need an upgrade. What I love most about this blog is the therapy it offers me in releasing my pent up feelings and thoughts. I go round and round, up and down in them... but I do feel stronger and better each time. Some may read it and see me as being fickle in my feelings, but it's a process and it's taking time... so somedays, I revert back to the sad broken me and others (more of these than the sad days) I am stronger, happier and more confident... so thanks readers...

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