Finally... Closure and Release

Way back when... I started this blog.  I started it because my world fell apart and my heart was broken. I started it because no closure or final explanation was ever offered me and, as a wise friend once told me, I needed to make my own closure.  In so many ways I tried to do that through this blog, failed dates/relationships, and in my own head.  I'd say my success rate for creating my own closure was at about a 80%. I was/am functional but the failure of what I thought was meant to be my forever relationship haunted me.  I always had a horrible, niggling feeling that there was a concrete reason why things didn't work out... a reason with boobs and lady parts to be exact.  I had no evidence or proof, just that voice that screams inside us women that we tend to ignore so we don't mess up a "good thing."  Well, because I'm a nosey person who just can't let things rest, I found the ex on Facebook and it turns out he's married.  It turns out that he was in a relationship (thanks for the timeline effect, Facebook) that was committed just a few short months from the ending of ours.  I won't lie, I cried when I found out because it meant I was right those times I felt uncomfortable in our relationship, that I was right when I felt like the final intimacies with him were a chore and obligation to him, that I was right when the voice inside was screaming that it wasn't just distance between us, it was someone else. And it hurt that I was right to be so sad, confused and angry with myself for so long.  It hurt to know that I didn't trust myself and that I had given up so much of who I was just so I wouldn't mess up the "good thing" in my life.
My wish?  I wish he had the courage to speak truthfully about what was going on.  I wish I had been confident and secure enough in myself to ask him boldly.  I wish I trusted myself enough to listen to the inner voice that is never wrong.  I wish it didn't still hurt.  I wish I was 100% already.  I wish (and this is no joke, sarcasm or lie) that he and his bride are happy and have a long, fruitful and faith-based marriage (really people... if you know me, you know that I've always said that at the end of the day I never thought he was a bad guy, he just wasn't my guy).
And I think with the closure of that and with finally knowing, I can release the last of the tears, learn the lesson about listening to and trusting myself completely from now on, and I can let go of this blog.  I don't need a space to find healing anymore... I just need to let go.

Guest Blog from the Author of Never Marry a Momma’s Boy, and 62 other men to avoid like the plague!

On one of my last red flag issues, I received a comment from a stranger named Susan Connor.  She was a fan of my blog and the series I had been writing and told me that she was an author with a book out that was along the same lines of the red flags.  I had a gander at the link she provided and thought it sounded pretty interesting and so did she.  I offered to let her do a guest blog entry and she obliged... nice, right?!

Here is her guest entry:

Thank you for allowing me to do a guest post on your blog!  I am very excited to have this opportunity!

I have recently published a book titled “Never Marry a Momma’s  Boy and 62 other men to avoid like the plague!”   This book deals with types of men and the problems they automatically bring to a relationship.

Now don’t get me wrong-I really like men-I have been married 4 times (yes, four-I am the eternal optimist!).  Men can be interesting creatures-they see the world differently than women, have different interests, and can be fun to be around (not to mention the sex thing!). 

But “Being around” a man and marrying him are two different things!  Marriage changes everything-you are stuck with the whole person, not just the fun parts!

Men and women are very different (in case you haven’t noticed!) Men tend to be shallower and more rooted in the moment.  Women tend to be more introspective, caring, and nurturing.  We plan more for the future, and just generally have a much deeper nature in all ways.  It makes me laugh that most of the famous philosophers were men-the women were probably at home caring for the family and guiding him in his deep, deep thoughts (that he got credit for!)  Anyway, back to our topic…

Some men are genuinely wonderful people (in some ways). Sometimes you would swear this same man had the brains of a nit- and just about as much compassion and understanding!

 With all this said, many categories of men come with predictable problems, not just because of the man.  Certain problems are just inherent with different habits, families, personalities, or occupations.

This book has been the result of years of observations made as a Public Health Nurse, also working in the ER, Labor and Delivery and teaching Psychology.  As the years passed, I noticed, as many of you probably have also, that many men tend to fall into categories, with each category having its own set of problems.

This book was triggered by an event at work-the Momma’s  Boy of a co-worker was engaged.  Looking at the invitation sent to our office(with a lovely picture of the couple) was a horrifying experience-I saw myself years earlier, and knew exactly what kind of hell that poor girl was going to marry into!  That started a cascade of thoughts about types of men to avoid.

At around the same time I emailed an author about a book of hers that I loved, mentioning that I liked to write.  She said “Only you can write your book”.

Well, this book took over my life-I would dream of types of men-and wake up to write them down.  In the bathtub, types would pop into my mind, and I would scribble them down as soon as I stepped out.  I wanted to be done, but kept thinking of different types. 

I felt that if I could save ONE woman from a bad marriage, then I would be happy!

So here I am, sharing this on your blog-I hope it helps someone, or at least makes you laugh!  If you read this book, please email me your thoughts at susanconner99@gmail.com-I would love to hear from you!

Here is the link to my book:  “Never Marry a Momma’s Boy, and 62 other men to avoid like the plague!”

http://www.amazon.com/Never-Marry-Mommas-Boy-plague/dp/148119240X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359240586&sr=8-1&keywords=never+marry+a+momma%27s+boy

Red Flag #4: Private Conversations

I feel like with each entry that I write in this series I need to preface it with an apology or explanation of sorts.  I really am not bitter or setting out to attack the men I've dated in the past.  I am writing these because when I look back with my 20/20 hindsight, I see some red flags that I was too blinded to see at the time.  I started this blog as a place for me to have some therapy for my pain and to laugh about being single in my 30s.
So here the explanation for this post is this:  I'm not against privacy, I'm not against having conversations out of the earshot of your loved one.

Okay, let's get on with the post.

This only happened in 2 relationships that I had and one was more casual so I wasn't sure if it bothered me (until he stated that he had a former/current/who-the-hell-knows fiance in his life and wanted us both... uh... yup, that's a HUGE red flag and so should  have his "private" conversations been).  The time it did get to me most was when I was dating someone quite seriously.  Let me explain:

When we started dating and spending time at each other's homes and he would get a telephone conversation from home (he had children, and they didn't know we were dating... see the entry Red Flags #1: Kids) and he would always step into another room.  When I asked him about it, he explained the sensitive nature of having kids and bringing another person into their lives too early etc.  I understood at the time but further on in our relationship when it continued to happen it was something that niggled at me and I kept putting it to the back of my mind.  I began to notice that it wasn't always with his kids' calls, it was his exes, and sometimes friends.  It even happened with people who knew about me and it just didn't feel comfortable.  I guess perhaps I'm just too open.  Sure, if I'm in a room with my significant other and another person or two and my phone rings and I need to answer, I'll leave the room to have that conversation but I usually return with an explanation about the conversation and why I needed to leave the room.  But I had/have nothing to hide and never felt the need to keep my significant other in the dark (towards other's in my life or towards what's happening in my life).

So if your partner continues to take phone conversations out of your earshot and doesn't have a good explanation for that... it's a RED FLAG.

Relationship Red Flags: Bonus Post - Presents

Please don't think I'm shallow in talking about gifts from a significant other.  I wanted to put this in my original list but was distracted by the other things I needed to get said.  Sure, I thought lots about this in all my relationships and dating situations but I never saw it as a red flag until I was considering this blog series.

It's not that I think the giving of gifts or the lack of giving of gifts is a red flag necessarily.  It's all about the kinds of gifts.  

 If love is truly kind, not proud and not self-seeking then it should be giving, generous, selfless and humble.  And gifts can be a simple indicator.  Let me explain (and the examples from all variety of relationships in my past is pretty much endless, so let me highlight just one):

In one particular relationship, the man I was seeing told me within the first few weeks (when I was talking about how much I loved the flowers etc around) that he would never purchase me flowers because they just die and therefore are a waste of money.  I was shocked and didn't respond but every fiber of my being wanted to scream, "YOU AREN'T BUYING THEM FOR YOU... YOU ARE BUYING THEM FOR ME, AM I NOT WORTH IT?"  I couldn't believe that regardless of my likes or dislikes, his frugality and opinions came first.  Selfish.  And yet I continued to see and fall in love with this man.  Who on our first Valentine's together, called me and said, "I hope you don't celebrate Valentine's Day because I don't. It's just a Hallmark holiday anyway."  Again, I was shocked but blinded by stupidity and love and I readily agreed to appease him.  For our second Valentine's Day together I had told him that it mattered to me, that I wanted to know how he felt.  I stood up for myself and he sent me a food bouquet because at least I could share that with people and it was useful, unlike flowers.  The gift was a double-edged sword.  I was so happy that he acknowledged my need to be acknowledged but hurt because he cared little about my happiness in the gift, it still came down to his needs and wants. This is also the same man that forgot my birthday and bought heartwarming things like electronics etc. But to be fair, he was generous in a lot of ways and I think he gave what he would have wanted to get for the most part (he scored big though when he got me a new Bible that was a study edition because he saw how I took notes in my old tattered one... that was a great gift that was about me and helping me to continue doing what I loved to do).

I'm not saying that gifts are what makes or breaks a relationship, but sometimes listening can.  Only one of my boyfriends ever gave me flowers but it was because he got them from a florist (they were the broken stems from the palace in the country I lived in, made into arrangements so they wouldn't go to waste... not especially for me).  I've had more than one guy tell me that flowers are a waste of their money (hm... really, but what about the joy they give your girlfriend? What about the smile on her face when she gets them?  Not worth it?). I've even told men that I need to feel appreciated by the occasional flower or card or words (words are a gift too), to no avail.  That's where the red flag comes in.

When you are in a relationship, you aren't seeking your own happiness and agenda, you are trying to see the significant other happy and to build a joint agenda for life.  If the woman loves flowers, give her some once in a while.  Let her know that her happiness is worth the $10 for a bundle of grocery store blooms.  I promise that the returns will far outweigh the cost of a few flowers that will eventually die.

Be selfless in your relationships but when the other person is selfish (and it can be seen so clearly and simply in gift giving), then see the red flag and wave your white one.  Get out of there!

Relationship Red Flags #1: Kids

Here we go, faithful readers... the first in our series about relationship red flags.  Let me re-iterate that these come from my personal experiences and aren't meant as an attack on my exes or to make judgement about people's choices.  Instead, they are things I wish I'd paid closer attention to in my previous relationships so I would have known when to get out.
For exes that might read this and know the situations pertains to our past, please forgive me and know that I'm not posting specifics that would "out" you to anyone unless they know that this is you... and that would come from your own telling, not mine. I bear no ill will towards these guys... they had their reasons and I can respect that.  However, I should have removed myself from the relationship when this red flag flew.

Okay... with the little disclaimer out of the way, here we go on this week's entry into red flags.

I love kids, I'm a teacher for crying out loud.  I've spent the last 15 years of my life dedicated to teaching and loving children so that they can make positive changes in the world.  I've done 7 years of education that centres around kids and anyone who knows me can't deny how passionate I am about kids and how much I love them.  With that said, I'm not much of a baby person and am not entirely sold on birthing my own children, ever.  But dating guys with kids is not an issue for me.  I have no problem being in that situation because I do love kids and I want to have them in my life in some capacity or other.  So with that said, when I start seeing a guy and he let's me know he has kids, I do my best to put his mind at ease and embrace the fact (truth is, it's the best situation for me... kids without giving birth!!).
However, there have been 3 specific dating incidents where kids were either not mentioned at all or I was not mentioned at all to the kids. Let's explore that:

1. I was just beginning a bizarre kind of long distance thing with one man and he failed to mention that he had children.  Things in the "reationship" fell apart for other reasons but we were able to maintain a friendship out of it all.  Flash forward to the present when (and this is several years later) I find out for the first time that he has children.  Imagine my surprise... it wasn't part of our this-is-everything-about-me conversations.  Being who I am, I questioned him and he said that he was scared to mention it because he thought it would drive a potential girlfriend away.  Fair enough, but what really drives us away is lies.  Men/Women... if you have kids, be PROUD!  Own up, tell the prospective daters... it doesn't mean they have to meet them tomorrow or be part of their lives while you figure out where things are, but it just let's that other person know that you have priorities that are more than a job etc.  So it's a red flag when a guy doesn't tell you he has kids at all.

2. The second situation was much simpler.  The man was honest and up front even before our first date that he had children and he talked about them all the time.  Perhaps the fact that after date one we never really had traditional dates etc is why he felt that besides filling me with tales of his glorious off-spring and seeking advice even, he never had the need to introduce me.  Granted things were still in a semi-causal state and I can't be too upset but I felt like it was a red flag because they were part of our every conversation but I know I wasn't part of his with them in any way.

3. This situation was much more complicated.  In this situation, I knew very early on that there were children in his life and I respected that.  I respected that I wouldn't meet them right away because we had talked about it and how he felt the need to protect them from growing attached to someone who may or may not be in his life for the long term.  I thought at the time how wise it was of him to think of his kids that way... but when the relationship became very serious, I expected to be gradually introduced and was not.  He even left the room when his kids called so I couldn't hear the conversations and so they wouldn't hear me at his house.  I had patience, gave way to his wishes because I was in love and had a hope for the future... I had verbal confirmation that this relationship was going to be for longer than a minute and not much less than forever.  So when I found out that after a long term his kids still knew nothing about me, or that they had been told that we were just friends, all my alarm bells went off.  Did I pay attention?  Nope.  But it was a huge red flag that a hugely important part of my partners life was off-limits to me.  I should have heeded the alarms and high-tailed it out of there but I didn't.  So if your partner keeps an important part of their life secret from you or you a secret to that part of their life, HUGE RED FLAG.... RUN!  I know he had his reasons and I'm sure he had doubts he wasn't willing to fully pay attention to at the time but it still wasn't right.

All in all, if the person you date denies their children or, after your relationship takes a serious turn, denies you to their children... GET OUT OF THERE!  If there is no honesty with something as important as the lives of precious little (or even teen/big) people, there certainly are other, "lesser" areas that they are also being dishonest about and there goes the trust.  If you don't have trust and honesty, what do you really have?

A New Series...

Well, as I was laying in bed the other night, my brain started spinning and wondering about things.  No, not my typical pity party of why I am single (I'm kinda done with that aspect of life... not worried about being single or not single).  No, I started thinking about past relationships and some of the red flags that I couldn't see in the moment but in my heart, I knew they were red flags.
Then I got to thinking about this blog and how powerful it is to write it and know that people are reading it.  I got to thinking that perhaps my writing about my relationship red flags might help to open another woman's eyes instead of her being stuck somewhere she doesn't belong and hurting deeper than she needs to.  Yup, that's right... you read correctly... I'm saving men and women around the world from relationship sadness.  Ha!  Just kidding, but I do love to share and hope that it impacts another in a positive way.
So I thought I would write a series of entries about some of the relationship red flags that I see now.  Hopefully I will write one entry per red flag, but I can't make promises. ;)

Here is a list of what I'm hoping to cover in the coming weeks:

1. If he doesn't tell you he has kids, or tell his kids about you... That's a red flag.

2. If he has a habit of man-caving for weeks at a time... That's a red flag.

3. If he has different birthdays on every online profile... That's a red flag. (yes, readers... I've dated some shady, shady fellas)

4. If he can't have a conversation on the phone in the same room as you... That's a red flag.

5. If he is only happy with the outfits he picks out for you... That's a red flag.

6. If he makes you doubt ANY of your qualities... That's a red flag.

7. If he's constantly unsure of defining your relationship (even 2 years down the road)... That's a red flag.

8.  If he attempts to control how you deal with your emotions in any way... That's a red flag.

9. If he asks you to marry him but then explains how it's not a real proposal yet... um... That's a RED flag.

10.  If strangers see sadness in your eyes when you are meant to be in love... That's a red flag.

Now, if some of these seem familiar to you, I'm sorry for you.  These are things that have happened to me over the course of the past 10 years of failed relationships.  I'm not bitter about them, I'm not sad about them, they just are what they are and it's time to share them... hopefully it helps someone and it will help me to release them from my brain.

Dry Spells... Delight in Life

It's been a really long time since I posted to this site... I haven't had a lot to say about being single lately. Don't get excited, it's not because Mr. Right finally showed up... it's just been a time of quiet reflection and moving to a new place.
Those of you who know me personally (which is pretty much all of my readers), know that I've left the lovely country of Turkey and am now soaking up the sun of Singapore.  It's a great, metropolitan city with people from all over the world living and working.  There is a lot on offer here in regards to life but as I am finding out, little in regards to dating and finding a partner.
I've just been here for 3 months and I've already taken to terming it the  dry spell of my dating life.  There are plenty of attractive men, but there are also a plethora of gorgeous, thin women to catch the eyes of the men.  While I don't diminish my own adorableness, it's just not the right fit for the men of Singapore.  I've also really had a change of heart and M.O. when it comes to my single life, but more about that later... Truth is, I just haven't seen a lot of men that have caused me to look twice and those I have seen have either been married or with a woman when I saw them... so I have a feeling that SG will be a place for me to really focus on me and get my life together (not a bad thing... but makes SG just another stopping point instead of a home... but things could change, I'm open to it).
Now, about that change of heart.  Since leaving Turkey and moving to Singapore, I've had less of a desire to date just to date.  Previously, I felt like the right way, the best way to find Mr. Right was to date lots of different guys and figure it out.  But lately, I just feel like it isn't worth the time and heart wasted (on failed relationships) to date around.  I'm just not interested.  I've had an offer or two, but wasn't feeling it so I just ignored it.  I used to feel stressed about life passing me by and now I don't.  Have I given up wanting to find my life partner, no... just the opposite, I feel more ready than ever to have that life, but I just don't think me running around chasing men is going to invite the RIGHT kind of man in my life.  Instead, I want to have fun with my friends, do a great job at my career and build myself into the woman that I want and have Mr. Right want to chase after me.

So there you go... the latest in the life of the Chronically Single... finally delighting in life and really and truly not concerned about being single... it's a GREAT place to be.

Further Observations on the Mating Rituals of Turkish Males

Some time back I gave a brief, if not completely over generalized, overview of how Turkish men tend to date foreign women.  I've dated a couple (which clearly makes me an authority, does it not? hehe).  I stated that they tend to fall in love (and declare it openly and with passion) in the first hour or two of meeting their date.  I also stated that these declarations and mooning goes on for about 4-6 weeks before they disappear altogether (and by disappear, I mean they truly vanish), only to resurface at some later date apologizing for their fear or the worry that said foreign chick won't mesh with the Turkish family or whatever the excuse du jour may be.  But I missed something... I missed something vital that I hadn't been exposed to... okay, part of it I'd been exposed to but as a foreigner living in foreign-to-me places for 13 years it's excusable that I missed part of it, but the other part... well... just odd.
The first part is the gawk or leer or shameless stare.  I kinda got used to that after living in East Asia for 8 years.  Looking different and being stared at was my norm for a long time so I kind of missed that.  But Turkish guys are really skilled at staring you down while walking in a completely different direction.  This was pointed out to me this past weekend as I was out with some friends at a small watering hole.  Lots of Turkish men (there were few foreigners of the male persuasion in the place) walked past where we were sitting and they stared... and stared... and stared... I'm surprised several of them didn't walk into tables or break through the glass doors nearby!  It was some serious rubber-necking... and it happened the next day while shopping with another one of my gorgeous friends (I have a lot of beautiful friends and I'm thinking of developing a theory of how my singleness is their fault because all the cute and quality men fall for them before they can get to me... still working on that though).  I'd been somewhat immune until it was in my face big time for the past few days...
The second part of the Mating Ritual of the Turkish Male that I'd previously missed was the "Surround and Conquer" move that I witnessed while out dancing with my gorgeous friends a few weeks back.  By the way, I also have a theory that dating is kind of like war sometimes (I'm working on an entry for this based on the Art of War too, so don't worry... more entertaining observations of dating and singleness are on their way) so sometimes I name the tactics guys use after what I would like to think of as tactical maneuvers. Anyway, the gorgeous and I entered the club  to dance and hang out and were immediately encircled by a number of Turkish men who just stood really close, really still and really creepy.  It was laughable, especially since they rarely spoke to the women they were circling and staring at... apparently one of them kept saying "are you married?" to one of my friends but that's all I could figure out that they said the entire time... and they weren't deterred by the husbands and boyfriends in attendance either... interesting.... I'll have to be better at observing these unusual mating rituals... stay tuned... can't wait to get to Singapore and see how it works there! ;) hehehe

Lots of Changes

Lately I've been going through a lot of self reflection when it comes to my single life. I've been looking at the things I like about being single, the things that leave me in tears and why that is and the people I've allowed into my life. This entry is going to be a sort of catch-up so please forgive the rambling flow it will have.

Okay, let's start with the things that I love about my single life:

• being in control of just me
• going where I please when I please
• cleaning up just after me
• being in control of my finances
• the freedom

Now let's look at the things in my single life that bring me to tears and why:

• being just me (it's lonely being the only one in your home all the time or having only yourself to rely on... I got really sick with some hives etc this year and I had to take myself to emergency at 3 am in a foreign country and I was scared... if I had a life partner, someone would have been there with me... holding my hand and telling me it would be okay. I know I have friends who are willing, but would you wake your friend at 3 am because your 36-year-old self is nervous to go to the hospital? I didn't think so)
• Traveling alone (yes, I can travel with friends and sometimes I do but lots of times I want to go somewhere where they don't want to go or sometimes plans are made before I know about them and then it's too hard for me to join... so I travel alone and talk to myself. It's good for self reflection but it's lonely and sad)
• cooking for myself (I love to cook and bake and to make other's happy. I love to take care of others but when I live alone, well... I just cook for me. I'd live off cereal if it were healthy... it makes me sad to try and cook these little meals and then to eat them in the silence of my own home)
• the freedom (I know, it's something I love but I hate it too. I'd love nothing better than to have to consider someone else besides just myself.)
• the disconnection ( at 36, I don't know a lot of people my age in my position. I have a couple of single friends that are my age but none of them lives where I do and while we still talk etc, my closest friends who I hold dearest to my heart are married and have children or are having children... no matter how hard I try, there is a disconnect there. I don't know what it feels like to share your life with someone, nor do I know what it's like to have a child and have my priorities take that kind of shift... it makes me sad and wonder if somehow I've allowed life to pass me by).

Ah... now to the guys. Remember the Dumb Dudes entry? Oh... well... some of them keep trying to resurface. But I will say that I'm getting stronger and respecting myself more. YAH ME!. Mr. Turk-Not-So-Turk resurfaced and asked if I was still angry with him. I told him that I wasn't (because I'm not... takes too much of my energy that is needed for me to focus on him) but that I didn't like him either. I had a jacket he left at my house and he asked to see me so he could get it. I decided that our conversation would happen in my house so it could be an honest conversation (being in public wouldn't have ended up being honest just more awkward). He came over, tried to be cool and I boldly asked him why he lied and when he explained, I told him he had 2 choices in his life: 1. to grow a set (of you know what) and be a man and make some of his own decisions and stand up for himself (he is practically engaged because his family and hers are in business together and pressured them into it).... yes I called him weak to his face, even used the word "weak" or 2. he could keep lying to the people he "cared" about, he said he cared for me, so that he could live a life of misery as set out by his family. It was a cleansing conversation for me. When he left I felt like I'd washed him out of my life.
The Current Athlete has also been back in touch, wanting to see me... and as tempting as that is (puhahahaha not really), I've been putting him off because I'm just not interested. I have no desire to take time out of my precious schedule and the little time I have left in Turkey and give any of it to him. So yah!!! Glad that I'm finally making some good choices for me.

Mr. T (the Tunisian I dated that disappeared and then turned up again engaged to his ex) has also resurfaced. He wanted to get back in touch because he believes that we are friends... um... yea, I let him know that I don't think of us as friends. I kinda view him like this:

Somebody That I Used to Know

He seemed upset and I told him we could start over as friends maybe (I have no intentions).

Next step? Cleaning house on my facebook and in other areas in my life. As I've told some friends, I'm entering a selfish phase in my life where I'm going to value myself, put myself first and really take care of me. I'm going to make good changes physically, mentally and emotionally. So if you haven't already started to follow my other blogs, you may want to look them up. I'll be posting recipes and workouts etc. It's my time... just for me!

Thanks for sticking with me and being a support for me. This change or these changes have been a long time coming, but I'm a slow learner and a late bloomer when it comes to myself and matters of my heart so... yea, I'm 36 and just figuring this stuff out, but I know it's not too late for me!