Finally... Closure and Release

Way back when... I started this blog.  I started it because my world fell apart and my heart was broken. I started it because no closure or final explanation was ever offered me and, as a wise friend once told me, I needed to make my own closure.  In so many ways I tried to do that through this blog, failed dates/relationships, and in my own head.  I'd say my success rate for creating my own closure was at about a 80%. I was/am functional but the failure of what I thought was meant to be my forever relationship haunted me.  I always had a horrible, niggling feeling that there was a concrete reason why things didn't work out... a reason with boobs and lady parts to be exact.  I had no evidence or proof, just that voice that screams inside us women that we tend to ignore so we don't mess up a "good thing."  Well, because I'm a nosey person who just can't let things rest, I found the ex on Facebook and it turns out he's married.  It turns out that he was in a relationship (thanks for the timeline effect, Facebook) that was committed just a few short months from the ending of ours.  I won't lie, I cried when I found out because it meant I was right those times I felt uncomfortable in our relationship, that I was right when I felt like the final intimacies with him were a chore and obligation to him, that I was right when the voice inside was screaming that it wasn't just distance between us, it was someone else. And it hurt that I was right to be so sad, confused and angry with myself for so long.  It hurt to know that I didn't trust myself and that I had given up so much of who I was just so I wouldn't mess up the "good thing" in my life.
My wish?  I wish he had the courage to speak truthfully about what was going on.  I wish I had been confident and secure enough in myself to ask him boldly.  I wish I trusted myself enough to listen to the inner voice that is never wrong.  I wish it didn't still hurt.  I wish I was 100% already.  I wish (and this is no joke, sarcasm or lie) that he and his bride are happy and have a long, fruitful and faith-based marriage (really people... if you know me, you know that I've always said that at the end of the day I never thought he was a bad guy, he just wasn't my guy).
And I think with the closure of that and with finally knowing, I can release the last of the tears, learn the lesson about listening to and trusting myself completely from now on, and I can let go of this blog.  I don't need a space to find healing anymore... I just need to let go.

Red Flag #10: Sad, Sad, Sad

It's been a busy few weeks and I haven't had much time to do as much writing as I would have liked.  So, apologies for the late entry.  This is meant to be my last red flag entry (although I have some great ideas from friends), so I hope you've enjoyed the series.

The reason I came up with this red flag is from a very specific incident that happened to me near the end of my most serious relationship.  I remember it almost more clearly than the actual break up that happened a short time later.  Here's what happened:

I went to the grocery store to do a little shop for the week.  I remember that I wasn't wearing any make-up, was dressed down in my most comfy clothes and my hair can only be described as a mess.  But I didn't care, I had a boyfriend who I loved with my whole heart, so I didn't care to impress strangers on a 30 minute grocery shop.  I remember wandering the aisles looking for a few specific ingredients.  My mind wasn't on anything in particular.  I remember noticing a very handsome man walk past me at one point, he gave a second glance (which I immediately attributed to my ghetto styling of the day).  I met him again in another aisle and this time he spoke to me (even a few years later I remember his words perfectly and clearly): "I sure hope that whoever he is, he is good to you because you are just too beautiful to look so sad."  I remember blushing at the obvious compliment and mumbling something about how my someone was good to me.  And then I remember that that comment was under my skin for days and weeks.  I remember thinking to myself, am I sad?  How does he see it? And I remember clearly coming to the conclusion that this stranger was right, I wasn't happy in my relationship, I was sad, very sad.  It wasn't long after that that my relationship came crashing down and as much as it hurt, I knew it wasn't the right relationship because I shouldn't have felt alone and sad, I should have felt loved and cared for, treasured and happy.  But I didn't.

So the red flag in all of this is to not be afraid of the ways that strangers can sometimes see the things you aren't aware of.  And if your sadness or unhappiness is that visible to a stranger, then you need to pay attention to that.

Red Flag #7: Definitions

I've been away for a week, hence the lack of posts.  Sorry for that (you loyal 4 or 5 readers).  ;)

Number 7 in our series seems like an obvious one, but I missed it and even though I'm relationship retarded in so many ways, I figure that one or two other people may have missed this red flag too.  The red flag I'm talking about? Defining what you are.

No, I'm not speaking about throwing a label on your relationship after date two, but I am talking about knowing where you stand with your significant other.  And as a testament to my own lack of relationship prowess, I can say that this has happened to me MULTIPLE times... in fact, in nearly every dating relationship I've ever had (should also tell you that my man-picker is broken and in need of some serious tinkering to fix it). As always, I'm going to give you some examples and see if they ring true for you too:

1. Once, I was seeing a guy and took him to a place I frequented and was friends with all the staff.  They asked me who he was (and who he was to me).  When I looked to him for an answer he simply supplied his name to them and dismissed it.  Sure, it was early on but not so early that we couldn't say we were dating each other.

2. Another man I was dating told me in private that he wanted to be exclusive and that he didn't want to see anyone else... and yet, when he met with a friend of mine (he didn't know that she and I were friends... I knew they were meeting... she knew we were dating and was meeting him to figure out the deal - he asked her out to dinner), he told her that I wasn't his girlfriend and that we weren't dating... that I was some psycho who was overly attached... uh... yea...

3. My last serious relationship.  He wasn't shy to tell his friends that I was his girlfriend or anything like that, but almost 2 years into the relationship he still struggled to define what we were, what he wanted and where it was going in his eyes.  He would say things like, "I should get you some jewelry so that everyone knows you are my girl." but hadn't even told his children that we were seriously dating and when it came down to the wire, he freaked out, didn't want to label our relationship and left me hanging with the decision of what to do... guess what I did?  Walked away!

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, if the person you are with is unsure about what you are to them, they are unsure about being with you or committing and have no business being in your life.  Of course, I caution that with don't throw a label onto things right away... but you shouldn't ever feel afraid to tell someone else that you are dating.  You shouldn't worry about backlash from your date if you call him a boyfriend or her a girlfriend if you've had several dates. I think our I-can-have-everything society and mentality has messed up how we treat and deal with others.  Date me or don't but if you do, be prepared to be called my boyfriend at some point. ;)

Red Flag #3: Profile Problems

Online dating isn't something I'm shy to admit, ashamed of trying or particularly proud of either.  I've tried several sites and methods of meeting guys online.  Let's face it, meeting people isn't easy and trying something else to meet nice guys... well, sure!! Not to mention that I got sucked into the idea I would be able to sift through all the yuck because I assumed that people paying to be part of certain dating sites would list truthful information like I was.  Hm... well, smack me and call me an idiot!  That's just not the way it works.  Whether people paid for membership or not, it didn't seem to matter, people put what they wanted on their sites.

My red flag for this post is all about profiles and the "truth" that is listed there.  Once I dated a man who had one birthdate listed on his online dating profile, a different one on his Skype account and yet another one on his social media site.  Hm.... and he couldn't understand why this raised a red flag for me and caused me to question his honesty.

So while I think that online dating is a great way to go, just be careful out there friends.  Don't worry about asking lots of questions and seeing if what they said online is true.  Don't be a psycho detective but treat a first date like a first date and don't think you know anything about a person just because you've chatted online or seen their profile.  And if their profile doesn't add up, pay attention to the red flag and walk away.  Honesty is what you want and deserve!

Relationship Red Flags #1: Kids

Here we go, faithful readers... the first in our series about relationship red flags.  Let me re-iterate that these come from my personal experiences and aren't meant as an attack on my exes or to make judgement about people's choices.  Instead, they are things I wish I'd paid closer attention to in my previous relationships so I would have known when to get out.
For exes that might read this and know the situations pertains to our past, please forgive me and know that I'm not posting specifics that would "out" you to anyone unless they know that this is you... and that would come from your own telling, not mine. I bear no ill will towards these guys... they had their reasons and I can respect that.  However, I should have removed myself from the relationship when this red flag flew.

Okay... with the little disclaimer out of the way, here we go on this week's entry into red flags.

I love kids, I'm a teacher for crying out loud.  I've spent the last 15 years of my life dedicated to teaching and loving children so that they can make positive changes in the world.  I've done 7 years of education that centres around kids and anyone who knows me can't deny how passionate I am about kids and how much I love them.  With that said, I'm not much of a baby person and am not entirely sold on birthing my own children, ever.  But dating guys with kids is not an issue for me.  I have no problem being in that situation because I do love kids and I want to have them in my life in some capacity or other.  So with that said, when I start seeing a guy and he let's me know he has kids, I do my best to put his mind at ease and embrace the fact (truth is, it's the best situation for me... kids without giving birth!!).
However, there have been 3 specific dating incidents where kids were either not mentioned at all or I was not mentioned at all to the kids. Let's explore that:

1. I was just beginning a bizarre kind of long distance thing with one man and he failed to mention that he had children.  Things in the "reationship" fell apart for other reasons but we were able to maintain a friendship out of it all.  Flash forward to the present when (and this is several years later) I find out for the first time that he has children.  Imagine my surprise... it wasn't part of our this-is-everything-about-me conversations.  Being who I am, I questioned him and he said that he was scared to mention it because he thought it would drive a potential girlfriend away.  Fair enough, but what really drives us away is lies.  Men/Women... if you have kids, be PROUD!  Own up, tell the prospective daters... it doesn't mean they have to meet them tomorrow or be part of their lives while you figure out where things are, but it just let's that other person know that you have priorities that are more than a job etc.  So it's a red flag when a guy doesn't tell you he has kids at all.

2. The second situation was much simpler.  The man was honest and up front even before our first date that he had children and he talked about them all the time.  Perhaps the fact that after date one we never really had traditional dates etc is why he felt that besides filling me with tales of his glorious off-spring and seeking advice even, he never had the need to introduce me.  Granted things were still in a semi-causal state and I can't be too upset but I felt like it was a red flag because they were part of our every conversation but I know I wasn't part of his with them in any way.

3. This situation was much more complicated.  In this situation, I knew very early on that there were children in his life and I respected that.  I respected that I wouldn't meet them right away because we had talked about it and how he felt the need to protect them from growing attached to someone who may or may not be in his life for the long term.  I thought at the time how wise it was of him to think of his kids that way... but when the relationship became very serious, I expected to be gradually introduced and was not.  He even left the room when his kids called so I couldn't hear the conversations and so they wouldn't hear me at his house.  I had patience, gave way to his wishes because I was in love and had a hope for the future... I had verbal confirmation that this relationship was going to be for longer than a minute and not much less than forever.  So when I found out that after a long term his kids still knew nothing about me, or that they had been told that we were just friends, all my alarm bells went off.  Did I pay attention?  Nope.  But it was a huge red flag that a hugely important part of my partners life was off-limits to me.  I should have heeded the alarms and high-tailed it out of there but I didn't.  So if your partner keeps an important part of their life secret from you or you a secret to that part of their life, HUGE RED FLAG.... RUN!  I know he had his reasons and I'm sure he had doubts he wasn't willing to fully pay attention to at the time but it still wasn't right.

All in all, if the person you date denies their children or, after your relationship takes a serious turn, denies you to their children... GET OUT OF THERE!  If there is no honesty with something as important as the lives of precious little (or even teen/big) people, there certainly are other, "lesser" areas that they are also being dishonest about and there goes the trust.  If you don't have trust and honesty, what do you really have?