Okay, let's start with the things that I love about my single life:
- being in control of just me
- going where I please when I please
- cleaning up just after me
- being in control of my finances
- the freedom
Now let's look at the things in my single life that bring me to tears and why:
- being just me (it's lonely being the only one in your home all the time or having only yourself to rely on... I got really sick with some hives etc this year and I had to take myself to emergency at 3 am in a foreign country and I was scared... if I had a life partner, someone would have been there with me... holding my hand and telling me it would be okay. I know I have friends who are willing, but would you wake your friend at 3 am because your 36-year-old self is nervous to go to the hospital? I didn't think so)
- Traveling alone (yes, I can travel with friends and sometimes I do but lots of times I want to go somewhere where they don't want to go or sometimes plans are made before I know about them and then it's too hard for me to join... so I travel alone and talk to myself. It's good for self reflection but it's lonely and sad)
- cooking for myself (I love to cook and bake and to make other's happy. I love to take care of others but when I live alone, well... I just cook for me. I'd live off cereal if it were healthy... it makes me sad to try and cook these little meals and then to eat them in the silence of my own home)
- the freedom (I know, it's something I love but I hate it too. I'd love nothing better than to have to consider someone else besides just myself.)
- the disconnection ( at 36, I don't know a lot of people my age in my position. I have a couple of single friends that are my age but none of them lives where I do and while we still talk etc, my closest friends who I hold dearest to my heart are married and have children or are having children... no matter how hard I try, there is a disconnect there. I don't know what it feels like to share your life with someone, nor do I know what it's like to have a child and have my priorities take that kind of shift... it makes me sad and wonder if somehow I've allowed life to pass me by).
Ah... now to the guys. Remember the Dumb Dudes entry? Oh... well... some of them keep trying to resurface. But I will say that I'm getting stronger and respecting myself more. YAH ME!. Mr. Turk-Not-So-Turk resurfaced and asked if I was still angry with him. I told him that I wasn't (because I'm not... takes too much of my energy that is needed for me to focus on him) but that I didn't like him either. I had a jacket he left at my house and he asked to see me so he could get it. I decided that our conversation would happen in my house so it could be an honest conversation (being in public wouldn't have ended up being honest just more awkward). He came over, tried to be cool and I boldly asked him why he lied and when he explained, I told him he had 2 choices in his life: 1. to grow a set (of you know what) and be a man and make some of his own decisions and stand up for himself (he is practically engaged because his family and hers are in business together and pressured them into it).... yes I called him weak to his face, even used the word "weak" or 2. he could keep lying to the people he "cared" about, he said he cared for me, so that he could live a life of misery as set out by his family. It was a cleansing conversation for me. When he left I felt like I'd washed him out of my life.
The Current Athlete has also been back in touch, wanting to see me... and as tempting as that is (puhahahaha not really), I've been putting him off because I'm just not interested. I have no desire to take time out of my precious schedule and the little time I have left in Turkey and give any of it to him. So yah!!! Glad that I'm finally making some good choices for me.
Mr. T (the Tunisian I dated that disappeared and then turned up again engaged to his ex) has also resurfaced. He wanted to get back in touch because he believes that we are friends... um... yea, I let him know that I don't think of us as friends. I kinda view him like this:
He seemed upset and I told him we could start over as friends maybe (I have no intentions).
Next step? Cleaning house on my facebook and in other areas in my life. As I've told some friends, I'm entering a selfish phase in my life where I'm going to value myself, put myself first and really take care of me. I'm going to make good changes physically, mentally and emotionally. So if you haven't already started to follow my other blogs, you may want to look them up. I'll be posting recipes and workouts etc. It's my time... just for me!
Thanks for sticking with me and being a support for me. This change or these changes have been a long time coming, but I'm a slow learner and a late bloomer when it comes to myself and matters of my heart so... yea, I'm 36 and just figuring this stuff out, but I know it's not too late for me!