Red Flag #4: Private Conversations

I feel like with each entry that I write in this series I need to preface it with an apology or explanation of sorts.  I really am not bitter or setting out to attack the men I've dated in the past.  I am writing these because when I look back with my 20/20 hindsight, I see some red flags that I was too blinded to see at the time.  I started this blog as a place for me to have some therapy for my pain and to laugh about being single in my 30s.
So here the explanation for this post is this:  I'm not against privacy, I'm not against having conversations out of the earshot of your loved one.

Okay, let's get on with the post.

This only happened in 2 relationships that I had and one was more casual so I wasn't sure if it bothered me (until he stated that he had a former/current/who-the-hell-knows fiance in his life and wanted us both... uh... yup, that's a HUGE red flag and so should  have his "private" conversations been).  The time it did get to me most was when I was dating someone quite seriously.  Let me explain:

When we started dating and spending time at each other's homes and he would get a telephone conversation from home (he had children, and they didn't know we were dating... see the entry Red Flags #1: Kids) and he would always step into another room.  When I asked him about it, he explained the sensitive nature of having kids and bringing another person into their lives too early etc.  I understood at the time but further on in our relationship when it continued to happen it was something that niggled at me and I kept putting it to the back of my mind.  I began to notice that it wasn't always with his kids' calls, it was his exes, and sometimes friends.  It even happened with people who knew about me and it just didn't feel comfortable.  I guess perhaps I'm just too open.  Sure, if I'm in a room with my significant other and another person or two and my phone rings and I need to answer, I'll leave the room to have that conversation but I usually return with an explanation about the conversation and why I needed to leave the room.  But I had/have nothing to hide and never felt the need to keep my significant other in the dark (towards other's in my life or towards what's happening in my life).

So if your partner continues to take phone conversations out of your earshot and doesn't have a good explanation for that... it's a RED FLAG.

Relationship Red Flags: Bonus Post - Presents

Please don't think I'm shallow in talking about gifts from a significant other.  I wanted to put this in my original list but was distracted by the other things I needed to get said.  Sure, I thought lots about this in all my relationships and dating situations but I never saw it as a red flag until I was considering this blog series.

It's not that I think the giving of gifts or the lack of giving of gifts is a red flag necessarily.  It's all about the kinds of gifts.  

 If love is truly kind, not proud and not self-seeking then it should be giving, generous, selfless and humble.  And gifts can be a simple indicator.  Let me explain (and the examples from all variety of relationships in my past is pretty much endless, so let me highlight just one):

In one particular relationship, the man I was seeing told me within the first few weeks (when I was talking about how much I loved the flowers etc around) that he would never purchase me flowers because they just die and therefore are a waste of money.  I was shocked and didn't respond but every fiber of my being wanted to scream, "YOU AREN'T BUYING THEM FOR YOU... YOU ARE BUYING THEM FOR ME, AM I NOT WORTH IT?"  I couldn't believe that regardless of my likes or dislikes, his frugality and opinions came first.  Selfish.  And yet I continued to see and fall in love with this man.  Who on our first Valentine's together, called me and said, "I hope you don't celebrate Valentine's Day because I don't. It's just a Hallmark holiday anyway."  Again, I was shocked but blinded by stupidity and love and I readily agreed to appease him.  For our second Valentine's Day together I had told him that it mattered to me, that I wanted to know how he felt.  I stood up for myself and he sent me a food bouquet because at least I could share that with people and it was useful, unlike flowers.  The gift was a double-edged sword.  I was so happy that he acknowledged my need to be acknowledged but hurt because he cared little about my happiness in the gift, it still came down to his needs and wants. This is also the same man that forgot my birthday and bought heartwarming things like electronics etc. But to be fair, he was generous in a lot of ways and I think he gave what he would have wanted to get for the most part (he scored big though when he got me a new Bible that was a study edition because he saw how I took notes in my old tattered one... that was a great gift that was about me and helping me to continue doing what I loved to do).

I'm not saying that gifts are what makes or breaks a relationship, but sometimes listening can.  Only one of my boyfriends ever gave me flowers but it was because he got them from a florist (they were the broken stems from the palace in the country I lived in, made into arrangements so they wouldn't go to waste... not especially for me).  I've had more than one guy tell me that flowers are a waste of their money (hm... really, but what about the joy they give your girlfriend? What about the smile on her face when she gets them?  Not worth it?). I've even told men that I need to feel appreciated by the occasional flower or card or words (words are a gift too), to no avail.  That's where the red flag comes in.

When you are in a relationship, you aren't seeking your own happiness and agenda, you are trying to see the significant other happy and to build a joint agenda for life.  If the woman loves flowers, give her some once in a while.  Let her know that her happiness is worth the $10 for a bundle of grocery store blooms.  I promise that the returns will far outweigh the cost of a few flowers that will eventually die.

Be selfless in your relationships but when the other person is selfish (and it can be seen so clearly and simply in gift giving), then see the red flag and wave your white one.  Get out of there!

Dry Spells... Delight in Life

It's been a really long time since I posted to this site... I haven't had a lot to say about being single lately. Don't get excited, it's not because Mr. Right finally showed up... it's just been a time of quiet reflection and moving to a new place.
Those of you who know me personally (which is pretty much all of my readers), know that I've left the lovely country of Turkey and am now soaking up the sun of Singapore.  It's a great, metropolitan city with people from all over the world living and working.  There is a lot on offer here in regards to life but as I am finding out, little in regards to dating and finding a partner.
I've just been here for 3 months and I've already taken to terming it the  dry spell of my dating life.  There are plenty of attractive men, but there are also a plethora of gorgeous, thin women to catch the eyes of the men.  While I don't diminish my own adorableness, it's just not the right fit for the men of Singapore.  I've also really had a change of heart and M.O. when it comes to my single life, but more about that later... Truth is, I just haven't seen a lot of men that have caused me to look twice and those I have seen have either been married or with a woman when I saw them... so I have a feeling that SG will be a place for me to really focus on me and get my life together (not a bad thing... but makes SG just another stopping point instead of a home... but things could change, I'm open to it).
Now, about that change of heart.  Since leaving Turkey and moving to Singapore, I've had less of a desire to date just to date.  Previously, I felt like the right way, the best way to find Mr. Right was to date lots of different guys and figure it out.  But lately, I just feel like it isn't worth the time and heart wasted (on failed relationships) to date around.  I'm just not interested.  I've had an offer or two, but wasn't feeling it so I just ignored it.  I used to feel stressed about life passing me by and now I don't.  Have I given up wanting to find my life partner, no... just the opposite, I feel more ready than ever to have that life, but I just don't think me running around chasing men is going to invite the RIGHT kind of man in my life.  Instead, I want to have fun with my friends, do a great job at my career and build myself into the woman that I want and have Mr. Right want to chase after me.

So there you go... the latest in the life of the Chronically Single... finally delighting in life and really and truly not concerned about being single... it's a GREAT place to be.