Thursday, May 23, 2013

Finally... Closure and Release

Way back when... I started this blog.  I started it because my world fell apart and my heart was broken. I started it because no closure or final explanation was ever offered me and, as a wise friend once told me, I needed to make my own closure.  In so many ways I tried to do that through this blog, failed dates/relationships, and in my own head.  I'd say my success rate for creating my own closure was at about a 80%. I was/am functional but the failure of what I thought was meant to be my forever relationship haunted me.  I always had a horrible, niggling feeling that there was a concrete reason why things didn't work out... a reason with boobs and lady parts to be exact.  I had no evidence or proof, just that voice that screams inside us women that we tend to ignore so we don't mess up a "good thing."  Well, because I'm a nosey person who just can't let things rest, I found the ex on Facebook and it turns out he's married.  It turns out that he was in a relationship (thanks for the timeline effect, Facebook) that was committed just a few short months from the ending of ours.  I won't lie, I cried when I found out because it meant I was right those times I felt uncomfortable in our relationship, that I was right when I felt like the final intimacies with him were a chore and obligation to him, that I was right when the voice inside was screaming that it wasn't just distance between us, it was someone else. And it hurt that I was right to be so sad, confused and angry with myself for so long.  It hurt to know that I didn't trust myself and that I had given up so much of who I was just so I wouldn't mess up the "good thing" in my life.
My wish?  I wish he had the courage to speak truthfully about what was going on.  I wish I had been confident and secure enough in myself to ask him boldly.  I wish I trusted myself enough to listen to the inner voice that is never wrong.  I wish it didn't still hurt.  I wish I was 100% already.  I wish (and this is no joke, sarcasm or lie) that he and his bride are happy and have a long, fruitful and faith-based marriage (really people... if you know me, you know that I've always said that at the end of the day I never thought he was a bad guy, he just wasn't my guy).
And I think with the closure of that and with finally knowing, I can release the last of the tears, learn the lesson about listening to and trusting myself completely from now on, and I can let go of this blog.  I don't need a space to find healing anymore... I just need to let go.


7 comments:

  1. xoxo! I've said it before...you are one of the wisest people I know!

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    1. hahaha I wish I posessed wisdom... I think I'm a pretty slow learner, but at least I'm staying open to the process of learning. <3 you and thanks for being one of my readers!!! Onwards and upwards, friend!

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  2. Oh Angela. So glad you were able to use fb spying for good :-). Closure is good.

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  3. Thanks for sharing your heart, thoughts, and worries with all of us readers. Everyone deals with struggles that are similar to what you face and being able to read your posts and see how you reflect on life is nice. It gives me inspiration. I wish you all the best. Thanks again!

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  4. So true....I was in your shoe and it is a miracle that we both have faced similar situations...except some thing was bitter...I know I was used..I had been used by guys for making goods out of me, for their own benefits. No one ever loved me. The last guy, whom I loved to death cheated, betrayed on me. I was his toy for sexual pleasure. For God's sake, I swear. If karma is true, then he must be destroyed to ashes like he did to me. I curse him every single moment I think about him and will curse him unless I live in a peaceful state. He has destroyed my soul by his own evil intention. Oh God, never forgive him. Never or ever, punish him as much as he deserves.

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