Reflections

Reflections aren't always good for me. As my friend, L, likes to say: YOU THINK TOO MUCH!! And she may just be right. We had a really great conversation last night (although you might not have known it if you were a fly on the wall with all my whining, crying and expressions of self doubt etc) and L wasn't afraid to push my boundaries and ask me the tough questions that challenged all the many thoughts that race around in my head. She agreed that it was high time that I started to see my own worth and to be proud of who I am. She also said it was high time to begin to ACT like I knew my worth. And while it's a bit of a battle for me (I know that it shouldn't be, but as we talked she helped me to see that I have a lot of unrealistic and crazy expectations of myself and then in turn I have these expectations for others as well.), she was really helpful in helping me sort out how I can go about doing that little by little... and I think I'm already making those baby steps forward.
How am I doing that, you ask? Well... the first way is that I am writing this in this blog. I find that this is my therapy and even though it's a little scary to know that ANYONE who wants to can read this, it's also freeing. So I am writing about this journey to my better self here in hopes that others will take courage from it and that I can take encouragement from my loving readers who often email me or leave comments on my facebook page.
The second way I am taking baby steps forward is not to jump at every little bit of attention thrown my way, especially when I know that the guy in question isn't really intending for much of a relationship to take place (and that is what I want.... I've been saying that I'm not looking for the next guy but the LAST guy... for the marriage but I haven't exactly behaved like it and that starts now!). Case in point... actually 2 cases in point. There is a guy who is interested but I know without a shadow of a doubt that it won't go anywhere. And he's really nice, calls me often, showers me with compliments and offers an open ear when I need it and isn't afraid to give me honest advice. Sounds great, right? Sure, but we've had an honest conversation and I know that a relationship isn't what he wants and so I've made it clear and reiterated, today in fact, that point. The me of 2011 and just about every year before that would have jumped at the opportunity for any attention and "love" I could get thinking it was all that I COULD or would get. But not now, I'm worth a relationship that's real and I won't accept less. Thankfully he's very sweet and understands and respects that. Hopefully we will remain friends. And also a guy I'm seeing (I guess, I'm really not sure what's going on... you know Mr. Turk-not-so-Turk) has been in touch with me but blows hot and cold all the time. I know he has family commitments and work commitments that are crazy and somewhat out of his control... I get that, I'm trying to be understanding. But those things CANNOT be an excuse not to text me or email or even call (these things can take anywhere from 30 seconds to 10 minutes... and really, he can't spare that?!), so when he texted me after NOT returning texts about meeting yesterday (as we had agreed to do... thankfully we hadn't set a time or place or I would have foolishly been there waiting around for him) with a text saying that he was already flying to his next location for work but would like for me to visit him, my answer was a little curt and stated a maybe, we'll see... when I'm pretty sure in my heart and mind that there is no point... I mean, since I am just an afterthought to him, why do I make him more to me? I'm worth more than just being an afterthought for ANYONE and so I'm going to start treating myself that way and acting like it.

So this is how I propose to make baby steps forward. I always say fake it until you make it and it's worked for me in so many other areas of my life... I'm successful in my work, I live a life of adventure and wonder (I live and work all over the world), I have the most wonderful friends and family who support and love me through all the ups and downs... I am confident, smart, BEAUTIFUL (even if the guys I date don't think it's important to tell me that), funny, well-liked, cheerful, complex and yet simple, and I am proud of all I am and am worth it!! As my friend, R, says from the movie The Help: "you is KIND, you is SMART, you is IMPORTANT" and I am... so is she, so is just about everyone I know and love... so time to treat myself that way!!