Jewelry

Do the stores not realize the sin they commit with all these commercials?! From now until the spring, it is a bombardment of commercials for the memorable moments a diamond can bring. Now, the sap in me loves these commercials, but the semi-bitter (not really) single woman in me cringes when they come on. Do I really need the reminder that I am not getting an open heart diamond necklace this year? I mean come on Jane Seymour... no one needs this! What about all those kisses that start with Kay?! Do I need to know that I am not only not getting jewelry this season, but I am not getting kisses either!?
Of course, I say this all in jest, but partly it's true. As the holidays approached, I really struggled with being single this year and every time I saw one of those commercials come on, I felt a little sadder and a little more lonely. I know that they shouldn't have that effect... but they can if you are already feeling low. So all you other chronically single ladies out there (and even you married ones that feel annoyed by the constant push for diamonds for your neck, ears, fingers and wrists that you simply can't afford), enjoy the commercials for what they are... sappy, little moments of gushy, cheesy love! I can get behind that, even in a crappy mood!

See you in the New Year... who knows what 2010 will bring?!

Therapy

This blog has been so therapeutic for me to just write. I never think about who will read it, what they will think; in short, I have never written for an audience. But I see that I have one and there is a therapy in that too. I love logging in to my blogs and reading the comments. This blog has taught me more than the other two how blessed I am. I know I fight and buck against all this singleness in my life, but in my struggle I am blessed with friends and family who love me and even the odd anonymous commenter that offers encouragement and good, sound advice. Thanks for the therapy my friends! Who needs to pay a shrink!? Just write blogs people! haha

Wishes and Dreams...

...are just that and only that, wishes and dreams. Lately, I've really been struggling with the fact that my life is nothing like I wished or dreamed that it would be. This is the first holiday season alone without the one that I had thought I would spend my life with and it's one full of tears and mourning so far. I am not mourning the loss of him (for obviously he wasn't THE ONE) but instead I am mourning the loss of MY wishes and MY dreams.
I'm not your typically girly girl. I don't like pink all that much (sure, on a scarf, but a whole top... um... NO!!), I don't like frills and glitter. I like things that are simple and beautiful. I like reality. I've never dreamed of being a mommy like most women I know, but I have dreamed of being married and as you can tell from the title of this entire blog, I am not.
When I was a kid, I saw myself being married in my late twenties, but when I got there I just wasn't ready for that (not that I had any takers) and so I thought in my early thirties I'd find the one... and then I thought I did and I thought that wishes and dreams do come true. But those got tossed on the rocks this last summer and at 34, as I reflect on my life I see that so little has turned out like my wishes and dreams.
When I was little I wanted to write books that would touch people's lives and I wanted to help people. These were my dreams... and my wishes were to do that alongside someone who would love me and look at me the way my father does with my mother (they've been married 42 years!). But at 34, I look around and see that I do get to help people as I teach and that is a HUGE blessing, but that is where it ends. I do not write books that touch people's lives (I hope that my 3 blogs at least touch someone's life) and I am no one's helpmate, no one looks at me or loves me the way that my father does my mother and there is slim to no chance that I'll ever have the pleasure of loving someone for 42 years like they have.
So I've come to see that wishes and dreams are just fanciful things to fill your head with to pass the time... they are not reality for most of us and if they are for you then I am so happy for you... it's good to know that someone has that! :)

Holidays

The holidays just aren't the same this year. Last year and the year before I was with someone that made me feel like we were a little family just the two of us. We talked about our future and went crazy finding ways to please each other with gifts and acts of kindness, but this year I have no one... I know I have my own family and my own friends that I love more than I can express and I am thankful for them but it isn't the same feeling as those last two Christmases. It's very sad and I am trying to force myself to love the holidays this year, but can I just curl up in a big blanket and wish the holidays to pass this year?

Being Still

So lately, I have been attempting to date and have been enjoying the excitement of it all, but have been disappointed with the results. I guess I just feel like I need and want more. I like the one that I have dated a lot, he is really nice, God-fearing, kind and makes me feel more beautiful than I have ever felt... and I mean EVER! But at the same time, it seems like he has a million things going on and I am just one more on the list of things... and I don't want to be one more, I want to be the ONE... so instead of throwing myself into it and into him, I am planning to let it all go and wait. Not wait on men, but wait on God.
My other friend who blogs wrote about this really great quote that a friend gave to her a few years back about what kind of man to wait for and it inspired me that maybe at this time I need to do just that... wait: be still: chill out. I know that some of you reading this are rolling your eyes because this is the exact advice you so wisely already gave me... but I think sometimes I need to walk over the coals and get a little burned before I can truly understand what I have been told. Call it being a slow learner... I would! :)
SO here is what I am waiting for (and this is my personal adaptation from the quote I read):

I am waiting for a man who loves God above all other things, people, places or positions in life. I am waiting for a man who sees me for all I am, all I am not and all I will be when God is done with me. I am waiting for a man who wants to pursue me. I am waiting for a man who is proud of me and wants the WORLD to know I am his. I am waiting for a man who makes me laugh with him, at myself and just in general. I am waiting for a man that makes me want to reach my potential and beyond. I am waiting for a man who wants to take care of me and who lets me take care of him. I am waiting for a man who challenges my mind, my set ways, my heart and my soul to be more open, more in tune with God and more in tune with the needs of those around me.

It's a tall order, I know... but like my previous entry, these are the things that I deserve and that I desire and I don't think it's too much to ask really. I know so many of my friends who have all or most of that in their lives and it's what I want too. So for now, I will concentrate on me... being the best version of the person who could inspire all of that in another and I will wait. I will be still, have faith and trust God for my future and my man.

Dating Myself

So taking a note from a friend of mine in the midst of her struggle... I decided to take myself out for a date tonight. It is the premier night of the movies New Moon and Blind Side. Both are movies I'd like to see, but I know that New Moon would be NUTS today so I decided to treat my lonely self to a movie. So I got dressed (I had already slipped into house clothes), left the house and walked to the theatre which is just 2 minutes down the road from me. When I got there, there was a HUGE line outside and I figured it was for New Moon (which for the most part it was). I stood out there for about 10 minutes when one of the workers came out and told the line that all tickets for Blind Side were sold out. So there you have it... I can't even date myself! hahaha I think I deserve a glass of wine and some chocolate to cope with that depressing news! hahaha

According to You

According to you, I would fall,

But I just ceased to stand tall.

According to you, I would feel love,

But my heart left like a dove.

According to you, a life together would be spent,

But I wonder where that promise went.

According to you, I was all,

But your tales were tall.

As I watched So You Think You Can Dance tonight there was a performance by the guitarist that was meant to perform with Michael Jackson. Her song was titled According to You... and it inspired me, made me look back on my past relationship and this is the best way to sum it up. I hope no one sees bitterness in the words, because there was none, I simply observe the past years with him like this. It makes me a little sad, but I am in such a better place in my life now... :)