Struggle

People tell me what they like best about this blog is the honesty in which I am moving through this process of pain and healing. Right now it doesn't feel much like healing at all. On the exterior I am laughs, strength and determination... inside I ache. It is simply the best word for what I feel. The times of tears are fewer and father between but they still come out of nowhere and take my breath fully out of my body. I wish I meant that in a figurative way, but I don't. I literally struggle to breath sometimes.
For the past two days Kelvin has haunted my dreams and the dreams have been so realistic that I wake up feeling disoriented. I put it off to exhaustion but as I sit here, coming down with my first cold of the school year, I am not keen to sleep because I don't want him to enter my mind or heart more than he did in the past. I know in my head that this is all part of the healing... but I want so badly to fast track through it. I don't want to feel any of this, especially because of the disregard he has had for me and my feelings.
I heard a professor say once that there is 2% truth in every lie... and that is how I view the last 2 years... just 2 % of it was true and the rest was lies. It's hard to come to terms with that much lying... harder still to discern what was true in all of it. Maybe I was the only truth in it and all I was allowed to contribute was 2% even though I tried to throw 110% of myself into it.
I don't know... seems like the late night ramblings of a crazy single person, doesn't it? Perhaps that is all it is, I kinda feel crazy these days... putting up this happy, positive, strong front when all I want is to stay at home and give in to the breath-taking tears. But as they say... fake it until you make it, right?