Red Flag #9: Fake Anything

So this red flag is so pointed at my last serious boyfriend.  But in all fairness it points to a bigger issue and red flag overall.

When I was seeing the ex, there was a point where things almost bottomed out for us (see the second red flag).  There was a lot of fear and sadness on my part, and on his too I guess.  When we were getting it sorted, one of the things he asked me was to marry him.  He told me how much he loved me, told me that he couldn't and wouldn't picture his life without me in it, told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.  And then he told me that it wasn't a real proposal, but that he needed to know I'd say yes when the time came for the real one.  Said he couldn't face the thought of a denial, needed to know I was on the same page... blah, blah, blah (excuse my moment of bitterness here).  In my stupidity and love blindness, I shed tears and agreed wholeheartedly.  I was in love and knowing that he was in the same place and wanted a forever with me... well, it was all I wanted.  So I said yes, I felt secure that we were secure, but I'd been duped.

Sorry friends, but any time you are in a relationship and your significant other thinks it's okay to offer you a fake explanation, a fake orgasm, a fake proposal, then it's a red flag.  If you don't have honesty and trust in a relationship, all you are left with is manipulation and control and something is wrong with that.  I didn't see it at the time, I was too snowed under with what I thought I was hearing and what I wanted to hear (that's my fault).  I don't know how you keep yourself from getting snowed under like that but I hope that the next serious guy will have the integrity to mean it when he asks, to have a ring on hand to go with the adoration and tears in his eyes.  I deserve that, as do all other women (or men... whoever you are in love with deserves that).

Red Flag #8: Control

Now, I know that word, CONTROL, can mean lots of different things to different people. But in this entry, what I am referring to is when another person tries to influence your behaviour and reactions based on what they want and need alone.

When I was dating my last serious boyfriend, we had arguments and issues from time to time. Normal, right?  Of course it is.  In a relationship, you are bringing together two totally different people (no matter how alike you think you are or seem to be).  So it's normal to have some friction involved in that.  Got it... no worries.  But when you are having an issue with another person, they should at no time try to control your response or feelings.

Let me give you a specific example.  Once, my ex and I had a major miscommunication.  My heart was literally breaking about it.  I felt alone, confused, sad beyond understanding and frustrated.  He wasn't living close to me and so I decided to drive to where he was to have a face-to-face discussion because I simply needed that to get a better handle on what was going on.  When I told him that I was coming, he messaged me back with something to the effect of no conversation will take place if you cry or are upset.  Uh... ???  I told him I'd been crying for days and probably didn't have a tear left in me as it was (and that was true, I didn't cry when I talked to him but my hurt was real and I'm a girl... I cry when I hurt, why can't that be allowed? It isn't always used as a manipulation... although I know some girls who do that... a lot). We talked and sorted the issue out and all was good for a time but I just remember thinking it was strange that he made demands on my emotions, in a bid to control the situation.  It wasn't the only time.  Another time we were arguing and I was angry... so was he.  But I remember clearly that he said if I raised my voice at all, he would simply leave and the conversation and relationship would be basically over.  I remember learning to control my anger (something I am thankful for) but I also remember feeling shut down and like I wasn't allowed to express myself how I felt I needed to.

I guess what I am saying here is that you should be able to hang on to things that make you who you are.  You should never feel like you can't express yourself fully or that you are holding back some of who you are because your significant other doesn't like that part. They should never mandate how you react to situations... instead, they should be willing to listen and respond how they need to. Sure, over the course of your relationship, you may find yourself changing in how you react to situations to better suit your partner... but that should come from a desire to communicate better, not because the other person demands it of you and shuts you out unless you comply.

If your partner is controlling how and when you interact, that's a red flag and you need to solve the issue or get out.  Be with someone who respects you enough to accept all of you.

Red Flag #2: Man-caving

Hi there readers!  It's time for this week's installment of our series on relationship red flags.  If I sound all chipper, it's because I got my hair done yesterday and that's always a bit of a boost.  I'm a simple girl, I know! ;)

Okay, this week I want to talk about a bit of a sensitive subject to me: man-caving.  First off, let me explain what man-caving is:  it's when your man retreats to a space by himself for whatever length of time.  This isn't inherently a bad thing.  In fact, it's a good thing for both parties in a relationship to have spaces of their own.  Just like it's important for both parties to have their own hobbies independent of each other and their own group of friends who aren't completely intertwined.  So, men, don't get your boxer-briefs in a knot, having a man-cave is a great thing!

When man-caving becomes a problem is when it becomes a frequently occurring event without informing the other party.  Let me give you a personal example from a past relationship of mine:

In one of my more serious relationships, I dated a man who had some issues in his past.  They weren't bad things at all, just the baggage of life lived and he was working through those on his own.  Sure, we'd talk about things and I felt like I was never in the dark about his previous relationships or issues.  I felt like he was very honest with me in that respect and I respected him a great deal for it.  It was very "adult:" the types of conversations we had and I felt completely secure and comfortable.

We got to one particular point in our relationship (it was quite early on but things had been intense from day one and serious from about day three it seemed) though that rocked me pretty hard.  I remember us having one of our "adult" conversations and myself thinking things were fine.  Then I didn't hear from him the next day (which was unusual because I normally got text messages or emails at the beginning and end of every day saying good morning or good night and telling me about his day), or the next. I chalked it up to a busy work week for him and shrugged it off, until it went on for nearly 2 weeks.  He didn't answer my calls, texts or emails.  Then one day he called out of the blue (my heart was at the point of breaking and I had basically tossed in the towel) and apologised, stating that he had been man-caving after our last conversation.  He said that something in that conversation struck a chord with him and he needed to ruminate on it for a time.  I nearly lost my mind and then calmed myself down and said that it was okay but just to let me know because I went through a lot of emotions and fear in those 2 weeks.  He apologised again and we spent a lovely weekend in a lovely bubble of cuddles. Until it happened again and again over the course of two years.

It's a red flag, friends, when the person you are with holds back emotions that pertain to YOUR relationship and disappears off the radar for undetermined amounts of time without warning to think about things.

Relationships need trust and honesty, but they also need communication that is open and honest.  If you need time to yourself to think about things, tell your partner, let them know that you are struggling with something and that you need to think things over.  One of my friends (hope she won't be mad at me for sharing this) did just that with a pretty serious decision with her partner.  She is a grounded person who likes to think things through and pray them through to be sure.  So in her situation (see how vague I'm being?!), instead of hopping up and down and leaping forward, she stood still and told her partner that she needed time to think about their relationship.  She gave a specific amount of time, asked her friends and family to respect the solitude and she prayed and thought about what should happen.  Her partner knew where she was, what she was doing and about how long they'd have to wait to discuss the issue again.  The partner then also had time to collect their thoughts about it.  It was like a gift to them both and that's a beautiful thing.  My friend communicated her need to woman-cave, said how long she thought she'd need and was open and honest about it with her partner.  I didn't know it then, but she set the example for what man or woman-caving should look like.  If your partner disappears for a length of time to think about things but doesn't alert you or include you somehow, it's a red flag that you should discuss.