Silence

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of P!NK and her one song called 'Sober' has a line that shot right to the soul of me and what I often run away from. And as the new year approaches and I take time to reflect on the past year (supposed to be my year since I was born in the year of the rabbit and all that fun stuff). The line is:

"the quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth"

And as I look at my relationships in the past or even in the present... I come back to the silence over and over. I think about KJ and how much it hurt when he was silent. I think about other guys I've dated since then and how when they go silent, I run. I run because I'm afraid of the quiet. I'm afraid to face it because then I know the truth... the truth is that you aren't there... you aren't interested, involved or invested and I am... and I'm tired of trying to fill the silence or to run from the truth that it brings.

This year, I'm going to face the silence.... look into the deep darkness that it brings and accept it. I'm going to not be afraid of the quiet or the truth.

This Kind of Love...

You've no idea how hard I've looked for a gift to bring You.
Nothing seemed right. What's the point of bringing gold
to the gold mine, or water to the Ocean. Everything I came
up with was like taking spices to the Orient. It's no good
giving my heart and my soul because you already have these.
... So- I've brought you a mirror. Look at yourself and
remember me.

Jalaluddin Rumi

Now that is the kind of love I hope to find some day. I know it is a TALL order, but I look at some of my married friends and I see this kind of love. I look at my parents and my brother and his wife and I see this kind of love. I see this love from parent to child and even between some friends (thank you God that I know this love in the bonds of friendship... you know who you are, besties). So since I know this kind of love exists and since I know many who have it and share it, I don't think like it's too much to be looking for.