A New Series...

Well, as I was laying in bed the other night, my brain started spinning and wondering about things.  No, not my typical pity party of why I am single (I'm kinda done with that aspect of life... not worried about being single or not single).  No, I started thinking about past relationships and some of the red flags that I couldn't see in the moment but in my heart, I knew they were red flags.
Then I got to thinking about this blog and how powerful it is to write it and know that people are reading it.  I got to thinking that perhaps my writing about my relationship red flags might help to open another woman's eyes instead of her being stuck somewhere she doesn't belong and hurting deeper than she needs to.  Yup, that's right... you read correctly... I'm saving men and women around the world from relationship sadness.  Ha!  Just kidding, but I do love to share and hope that it impacts another in a positive way.
So I thought I would write a series of entries about some of the relationship red flags that I see now.  Hopefully I will write one entry per red flag, but I can't make promises. ;)

Here is a list of what I'm hoping to cover in the coming weeks:

1. If he doesn't tell you he has kids, or tell his kids about you... That's a red flag.

2. If he has a habit of man-caving for weeks at a time... That's a red flag.

3. If he has different birthdays on every online profile... That's a red flag. (yes, readers... I've dated some shady, shady fellas)

4. If he can't have a conversation on the phone in the same room as you... That's a red flag.

5. If he is only happy with the outfits he picks out for you... That's a red flag.

6. If he makes you doubt ANY of your qualities... That's a red flag.

7. If he's constantly unsure of defining your relationship (even 2 years down the road)... That's a red flag.

8.  If he attempts to control how you deal with your emotions in any way... That's a red flag.

9. If he asks you to marry him but then explains how it's not a real proposal yet... um... That's a RED flag.

10.  If strangers see sadness in your eyes when you are meant to be in love... That's a red flag.

Now, if some of these seem familiar to you, I'm sorry for you.  These are things that have happened to me over the course of the past 10 years of failed relationships.  I'm not bitter about them, I'm not sad about them, they just are what they are and it's time to share them... hopefully it helps someone and it will help me to release them from my brain.

Dry Spells... Delight in Life

It's been a really long time since I posted to this site... I haven't had a lot to say about being single lately. Don't get excited, it's not because Mr. Right finally showed up... it's just been a time of quiet reflection and moving to a new place.
Those of you who know me personally (which is pretty much all of my readers), know that I've left the lovely country of Turkey and am now soaking up the sun of Singapore.  It's a great, metropolitan city with people from all over the world living and working.  There is a lot on offer here in regards to life but as I am finding out, little in regards to dating and finding a partner.
I've just been here for 3 months and I've already taken to terming it the  dry spell of my dating life.  There are plenty of attractive men, but there are also a plethora of gorgeous, thin women to catch the eyes of the men.  While I don't diminish my own adorableness, it's just not the right fit for the men of Singapore.  I've also really had a change of heart and M.O. when it comes to my single life, but more about that later... Truth is, I just haven't seen a lot of men that have caused me to look twice and those I have seen have either been married or with a woman when I saw them... so I have a feeling that SG will be a place for me to really focus on me and get my life together (not a bad thing... but makes SG just another stopping point instead of a home... but things could change, I'm open to it).
Now, about that change of heart.  Since leaving Turkey and moving to Singapore, I've had less of a desire to date just to date.  Previously, I felt like the right way, the best way to find Mr. Right was to date lots of different guys and figure it out.  But lately, I just feel like it isn't worth the time and heart wasted (on failed relationships) to date around.  I'm just not interested.  I've had an offer or two, but wasn't feeling it so I just ignored it.  I used to feel stressed about life passing me by and now I don't.  Have I given up wanting to find my life partner, no... just the opposite, I feel more ready than ever to have that life, but I just don't think me running around chasing men is going to invite the RIGHT kind of man in my life.  Instead, I want to have fun with my friends, do a great job at my career and build myself into the woman that I want and have Mr. Right want to chase after me.

So there you go... the latest in the life of the Chronically Single... finally delighting in life and really and truly not concerned about being single... it's a GREAT place to be.

Unexpected Sighting.

Lately I've gotten a lot of invites and reminders of invites for the website LinkedIn.  I had previously ignored them, not really wanting to be part of yet another site, even though it's a great professional networking site.  However, when my advisor for my professional placement site requested an add, I decided to give the site a look.  It automatically went through my gmail contacts to see if there was anyone I knew on the site and would like to be linked with.  I was shocked and surprised to see my ex (KJ) on there.  He was the whole reason this blog started, the whole reason I felt the need to take a journey trying to explore my single self and why I couldn't seem to make relationships work and it's something I'm very grateful for even though it was born out of the pain of our break-up.  Anyway, I've thought of him often and missed our friendship but I had erased (or thought I had) his contact information from my email and didn't know if I could or should try to contact him.  I'd hoped and still do that he is happy in his life and from his profile I could see that his wish to live overseas again had come true.  I'd still like to be friends with him but I'm not sure he would want that... *sigh* It's been 3 years and I'm in a different place in my single journey, not one of looking back for a hopeful romantic connection but of hoping to be friends.  *sigh* Sometimes I wish life was simpler and people were easier to understand.

Suffering Single

And by suffering, I mean having a little bit of a pity-party (if I'm being honest).  I go through cycles in my single life.  Times where I am happy to be single and I embrace all that it offers me (and it offers a lot) and times where I am low and feeling incredibly sad.  Usually when I feel sad about being single, someone tells me that it was my choice (I HATE it when people say that... I said yes to the last guy who asked... I thought it was forever and then he changed his mind... it had nothing to do with my choice.... have I made bad choices since then, sure, admittedly).  And, sure, lots of the choices I've made in the past and even in the present are what leads me to be single.  I get it and don't deny it for the most part but it doesn't mean that secretly I WANT to be single.  Lately I've been feeling the loneliness of being single a lot.  Every time I open my facebook I see pictures of happy friends (even former students) in relationships or getting married or sharing their family time online.  Family and friends alike are steeped in it, but not me.  And, for the most part, all I feel when I see their happiness is joy.  Lately though, I've just felt a disconnect.  I have nothing to offer to their experiences and I feel like I'm losing most of my friends (even though I'm aware that I'm not).  I feel more and more bitter that I've been left behind and that the happiness I've dreamt about (like most women and girls) has been denied to me (through my choices as well as things that are out of my control).  Generally I feel like life is passing me by and like I'm treading water and getting tired.  I keep trying to focus in on myself and make myself better and stronger but it's not in my nature to be selfish.  I LOVE nothing more than to do nice things for other people (throw parties, make dinners, treat people to coffee or drinks, buy little presents, write encouraging notes, letters or emails, and generally find ways for those around me to feel cared for), it's what makes me happy.  But the older I get, the less opportunities I find I have for this as well... most of my friends get that love and encouragement from their significant other (as they should) and have less and less time for me in their lives as they have families and their focus shifts appropriately to their loved ones and to their friends that share the same things in their life. I don't know what to do about all this besides to just spill it out here as a form of therapy... a release.

Further Observations on the Mating Rituals of Turkish Males

Some time back I gave a brief, if not completely over generalized, overview of how Turkish men tend to date foreign women.  I've dated a couple (which clearly makes me an authority, does it not? hehe).  I stated that they tend to fall in love (and declare it openly and with passion) in the first hour or two of meeting their date.  I also stated that these declarations and mooning goes on for about 4-6 weeks before they disappear altogether (and by disappear, I mean they truly vanish), only to resurface at some later date apologizing for their fear or the worry that said foreign chick won't mesh with the Turkish family or whatever the excuse du jour may be.  But I missed something... I missed something vital that I hadn't been exposed to... okay, part of it I'd been exposed to but as a foreigner living in foreign-to-me places for 13 years it's excusable that I missed part of it, but the other part... well... just odd.
The first part is the gawk or leer or shameless stare.  I kinda got used to that after living in East Asia for 8 years.  Looking different and being stared at was my norm for a long time so I kind of missed that.  But Turkish guys are really skilled at staring you down while walking in a completely different direction.  This was pointed out to me this past weekend as I was out with some friends at a small watering hole.  Lots of Turkish men (there were few foreigners of the male persuasion in the place) walked past where we were sitting and they stared... and stared... and stared... I'm surprised several of them didn't walk into tables or break through the glass doors nearby!  It was some serious rubber-necking... and it happened the next day while shopping with another one of my gorgeous friends (I have a lot of beautiful friends and I'm thinking of developing a theory of how my singleness is their fault because all the cute and quality men fall for them before they can get to me... still working on that though).  I'd been somewhat immune until it was in my face big time for the past few days...
The second part of the Mating Ritual of the Turkish Male that I'd previously missed was the "Surround and Conquer" move that I witnessed while out dancing with my gorgeous friends a few weeks back.  By the way, I also have a theory that dating is kind of like war sometimes (I'm working on an entry for this based on the Art of War too, so don't worry... more entertaining observations of dating and singleness are on their way) so sometimes I name the tactics guys use after what I would like to think of as tactical maneuvers. Anyway, the gorgeous and I entered the club  to dance and hang out and were immediately encircled by a number of Turkish men who just stood really close, really still and really creepy.  It was laughable, especially since they rarely spoke to the women they were circling and staring at... apparently one of them kept saying "are you married?" to one of my friends but that's all I could figure out that they said the entire time... and they weren't deterred by the husbands and boyfriends in attendance either... interesting.... I'll have to be better at observing these unusual mating rituals... stay tuned... can't wait to get to Singapore and see how it works there! ;) hehehe

Spring Cleaning

Is what is going on right now in mind, body, heart, soul... everywhere!! So I think that means that these dumb dudes don't need to be my facebook friends etc. I'd already removed one and put the other on limited profile access but today I went to remove the last one to find out that he had removed me from his list... YAH!!! Hopefully this means that texts and phone calls will also stop. I keep them in my phone so I know which calls not to answer and which texts not to respond to anymore... I feel like a weight is off my shoulders now that they have been removed from my life! YAH!! With the icky guys out of my life, there is now room being made for the great guy that is coming... right?! :) So happy about this step forward in my life. Slowly but surely I'm becoming who I was always meant to be... thanks for supporting me on my journey friends! <3

Lots of Changes

Lately I've been going through a lot of self reflection when it comes to my single life. I've been looking at the things I like about being single, the things that leave me in tears and why that is and the people I've allowed into my life. This entry is going to be a sort of catch-up so please forgive the rambling flow it will have.

Okay, let's start with the things that I love about my single life:

• being in control of just me
• going where I please when I please
• cleaning up just after me
• being in control of my finances
• the freedom

Now let's look at the things in my single life that bring me to tears and why:

• being just me (it's lonely being the only one in your home all the time or having only yourself to rely on... I got really sick with some hives etc this year and I had to take myself to emergency at 3 am in a foreign country and I was scared... if I had a life partner, someone would have been there with me... holding my hand and telling me it would be okay. I know I have friends who are willing, but would you wake your friend at 3 am because your 36-year-old self is nervous to go to the hospital? I didn't think so)
• Traveling alone (yes, I can travel with friends and sometimes I do but lots of times I want to go somewhere where they don't want to go or sometimes plans are made before I know about them and then it's too hard for me to join... so I travel alone and talk to myself. It's good for self reflection but it's lonely and sad)
• cooking for myself (I love to cook and bake and to make other's happy. I love to take care of others but when I live alone, well... I just cook for me. I'd live off cereal if it were healthy... it makes me sad to try and cook these little meals and then to eat them in the silence of my own home)
• the freedom (I know, it's something I love but I hate it too. I'd love nothing better than to have to consider someone else besides just myself.)
• the disconnection ( at 36, I don't know a lot of people my age in my position. I have a couple of single friends that are my age but none of them lives where I do and while we still talk etc, my closest friends who I hold dearest to my heart are married and have children or are having children... no matter how hard I try, there is a disconnect there. I don't know what it feels like to share your life with someone, nor do I know what it's like to have a child and have my priorities take that kind of shift... it makes me sad and wonder if somehow I've allowed life to pass me by).

Ah... now to the guys. Remember the Dumb Dudes entry? Oh... well... some of them keep trying to resurface. But I will say that I'm getting stronger and respecting myself more. YAH ME!. Mr. Turk-Not-So-Turk resurfaced and asked if I was still angry with him. I told him that I wasn't (because I'm not... takes too much of my energy that is needed for me to focus on him) but that I didn't like him either. I had a jacket he left at my house and he asked to see me so he could get it. I decided that our conversation would happen in my house so it could be an honest conversation (being in public wouldn't have ended up being honest just more awkward). He came over, tried to be cool and I boldly asked him why he lied and when he explained, I told him he had 2 choices in his life: 1. to grow a set (of you know what) and be a man and make some of his own decisions and stand up for himself (he is practically engaged because his family and hers are in business together and pressured them into it).... yes I called him weak to his face, even used the word "weak" or 2. he could keep lying to the people he "cared" about, he said he cared for me, so that he could live a life of misery as set out by his family. It was a cleansing conversation for me. When he left I felt like I'd washed him out of my life.
The Current Athlete has also been back in touch, wanting to see me... and as tempting as that is (puhahahaha not really), I've been putting him off because I'm just not interested. I have no desire to take time out of my precious schedule and the little time I have left in Turkey and give any of it to him. So yah!!! Glad that I'm finally making some good choices for me.

Mr. T (the Tunisian I dated that disappeared and then turned up again engaged to his ex) has also resurfaced. He wanted to get back in touch because he believes that we are friends... um... yea, I let him know that I don't think of us as friends. I kinda view him like this:

Somebody That I Used to Know

He seemed upset and I told him we could start over as friends maybe (I have no intentions).

Next step? Cleaning house on my facebook and in other areas in my life. As I've told some friends, I'm entering a selfish phase in my life where I'm going to value myself, put myself first and really take care of me. I'm going to make good changes physically, mentally and emotionally. So if you haven't already started to follow my other blogs, you may want to look them up. I'll be posting recipes and workouts etc. It's my time... just for me!

Thanks for sticking with me and being a support for me. This change or these changes have been a long time coming, but I'm a slow learner and a late bloomer when it comes to myself and matters of my heart so... yea, I'm 36 and just figuring this stuff out, but I know it's not too late for me!