Red Flag #6: Quality Check

That title is a little misleading in the sense that the sixth red flag isn't about checking his qualities.  It's about him asking you to check yours. And you know where this is going, I'm going to site some examples for you and hope that it makes some sense (side note: this blog series is teaching me a LOT about the types of men I've chosen to date... I need to pick better dudes!!).

Example 1: One time (not at band camp... I know a few of your minds said that though and it's okay), I was with my boyfriend at the time.  We were at MY friends' house with a bunch of my co-workers and friends for drinks, snacks and laughs.  We were all having a great time and were a few bottles of vino into the evening.  Now anyone who knows me knows that I am loud at the best of times.  I have THAT voice... you know, the voice that carries a thousand miles away without me even trying (makes for a great coach in a loud gym).  So at one point (and this is such a vivid memory for me) someone said something that made me laugh.  It was an all out belly laugh full of joy and others were laughing too.  My boyfriend laughed too and then looked at me and quietly said: "Why are you so loud?" And there was no humour in his voice.  I was so shocked that I immediately stopped, took another sip of wine and stayed quiet for the rest of the evening.  I was so hurt, it wasn't like he didn't know that I was a loud person.  I'd been loud on the day we met and every day since then.  It was and is still just part of who I am and I'd heard all of my life how loud I was.  I accepted it, coped with it when in a professional setting and embraced it when letting my hair down or out with friends that knew me.  I thought that the man I was in love with would accept that trait as well, turns out he was judging me and making me question how I could change that in myself.  I just remember being so hurt that he didn't like something about me that was just part of who I was/am.

Example 2: Another man I dated and then broke up with because I was moving (um... that was his excuse after dragging me along for weeks of don't go, we are just getting started here, you're my perfect woman, let's find a way to meet and stay together junk.).  After I had moved, he was chatting with me as a friend (or so I thought) and then sent me something that caused me to question that (in order to be above board, of good character, I will not divulge what was sent or said.... just like how I behaved at the time it all happened).  I was left feeling excited and confused.  I mentioned it to a girlfriend or two (without any specifics... no one really knows the specifics except him and I  - although I bet you are curious now - ;) ). They all agreed that he was sending confusing messages and that I needed to discuss it with him.  And I did.  He immediately got angry with me and then told me that we could not even try to be friends because I had a serious character flaw... to this day I don't know what that flaw was.  I just remember questioning myself and over analyzing the situation (hey... I am a woman... that's what we do) for weeks.

Long story short... if a man that you are dating or even in love with calls into question your character or qualities that are integral to who you are... you might need to see that as a red flag.  In both my examples I hadn't done anything wrong.  I was being myself.  And in the first example, the hurt from that judgement caused me to try and alter myself... something you should never feel the need to do when you are in love with someone.  You should be trying to find ways to let their personality and qualities shine and they should be doing the same for you.  Sure, some things they do or say will irritate you and vice versa, but as adults you discuss it... you never humiliate the other person or make them feel like something in themselves isn't good enough.... it was good enough when you met.  I guess it comes down to this: Don't date or form a relationship with someone you feel like you have to change.  It's not worth it... it will end in heartbreak and disaster.  Instead, date someone who is, was and will be someone you are proud to call a partner.

Red Flag #5: Clothes

This mostly stems from one relationship.  It was the last serious relationship I had (pretty much the only one... who am I kidding?!?! hahaha).  One of the best things about the man in that relationship was that he loved to buy me outfits and clothes.  He would often call me and ask my size and then when I would show up at his house, there would be a new outfit on the bed for me to wear out.  Sounds like a fairytale, right?  I felt like it was too, until everything ended.  I began to look at the clothes that he picked out for me and preferred me to wear.  I began to notice that a lot of the clothes weren't things I would ever pick for myself.  I wasn't comfortable in the fit of some of them. I felt like my personal style had changed and I never even noticed it happening.  I've always been the kind of woman who knows her body type and tends to dress to suit it best and suddenly I had all these things that didn't fit me or my body well.  Of course it took me a long time to change back to things that I felt sexy or beautiful in... but I did it eventually and as I prepared to write this series, I noticed that this could be a red flag.  My ex fell for me as I was, but even down to my clothes, he made subtle changes to what he thought I should be.  And now that I look back, that is a red flag.  It's nice that he wanted to buy me things or would see and outfit and could see me in it, but it was a red flag that slowly raised itself so that I didn't even know it was there and maybe that is the scariest kind.
So take a look at your relationship.  Have you changed your style to suit your partner?  Have you noticed that things that made you feel beautiful are no longer in your closet? Do you notice that you dress to suit his style and not your own?  If that's whats happening, it might (MIGHT) be a clue that more is wrong in your relationship... just maybe.

Red Flag #4: Private Conversations

I feel like with each entry that I write in this series I need to preface it with an apology or explanation of sorts.  I really am not bitter or setting out to attack the men I've dated in the past.  I am writing these because when I look back with my 20/20 hindsight, I see some red flags that I was too blinded to see at the time.  I started this blog as a place for me to have some therapy for my pain and to laugh about being single in my 30s.
So here the explanation for this post is this:  I'm not against privacy, I'm not against having conversations out of the earshot of your loved one.

Okay, let's get on with the post.

This only happened in 2 relationships that I had and one was more casual so I wasn't sure if it bothered me (until he stated that he had a former/current/who-the-hell-knows fiance in his life and wanted us both... uh... yup, that's a HUGE red flag and so should  have his "private" conversations been).  The time it did get to me most was when I was dating someone quite seriously.  Let me explain:

When we started dating and spending time at each other's homes and he would get a telephone conversation from home (he had children, and they didn't know we were dating... see the entry Red Flags #1: Kids) and he would always step into another room.  When I asked him about it, he explained the sensitive nature of having kids and bringing another person into their lives too early etc.  I understood at the time but further on in our relationship when it continued to happen it was something that niggled at me and I kept putting it to the back of my mind.  I began to notice that it wasn't always with his kids' calls, it was his exes, and sometimes friends.  It even happened with people who knew about me and it just didn't feel comfortable.  I guess perhaps I'm just too open.  Sure, if I'm in a room with my significant other and another person or two and my phone rings and I need to answer, I'll leave the room to have that conversation but I usually return with an explanation about the conversation and why I needed to leave the room.  But I had/have nothing to hide and never felt the need to keep my significant other in the dark (towards other's in my life or towards what's happening in my life).

So if your partner continues to take phone conversations out of your earshot and doesn't have a good explanation for that... it's a RED FLAG.

Relationship Red Flags: Bonus Post - Presents

Please don't think I'm shallow in talking about gifts from a significant other.  I wanted to put this in my original list but was distracted by the other things I needed to get said.  Sure, I thought lots about this in all my relationships and dating situations but I never saw it as a red flag until I was considering this blog series.

It's not that I think the giving of gifts or the lack of giving of gifts is a red flag necessarily.  It's all about the kinds of gifts.  

 If love is truly kind, not proud and not self-seeking then it should be giving, generous, selfless and humble.  And gifts can be a simple indicator.  Let me explain (and the examples from all variety of relationships in my past is pretty much endless, so let me highlight just one):

In one particular relationship, the man I was seeing told me within the first few weeks (when I was talking about how much I loved the flowers etc around) that he would never purchase me flowers because they just die and therefore are a waste of money.  I was shocked and didn't respond but every fiber of my being wanted to scream, "YOU AREN'T BUYING THEM FOR YOU... YOU ARE BUYING THEM FOR ME, AM I NOT WORTH IT?"  I couldn't believe that regardless of my likes or dislikes, his frugality and opinions came first.  Selfish.  And yet I continued to see and fall in love with this man.  Who on our first Valentine's together, called me and said, "I hope you don't celebrate Valentine's Day because I don't. It's just a Hallmark holiday anyway."  Again, I was shocked but blinded by stupidity and love and I readily agreed to appease him.  For our second Valentine's Day together I had told him that it mattered to me, that I wanted to know how he felt.  I stood up for myself and he sent me a food bouquet because at least I could share that with people and it was useful, unlike flowers.  The gift was a double-edged sword.  I was so happy that he acknowledged my need to be acknowledged but hurt because he cared little about my happiness in the gift, it still came down to his needs and wants. This is also the same man that forgot my birthday and bought heartwarming things like electronics etc. But to be fair, he was generous in a lot of ways and I think he gave what he would have wanted to get for the most part (he scored big though when he got me a new Bible that was a study edition because he saw how I took notes in my old tattered one... that was a great gift that was about me and helping me to continue doing what I loved to do).

I'm not saying that gifts are what makes or breaks a relationship, but sometimes listening can.  Only one of my boyfriends ever gave me flowers but it was because he got them from a florist (they were the broken stems from the palace in the country I lived in, made into arrangements so they wouldn't go to waste... not especially for me).  I've had more than one guy tell me that flowers are a waste of their money (hm... really, but what about the joy they give your girlfriend? What about the smile on her face when she gets them?  Not worth it?). I've even told men that I need to feel appreciated by the occasional flower or card or words (words are a gift too), to no avail.  That's where the red flag comes in.

When you are in a relationship, you aren't seeking your own happiness and agenda, you are trying to see the significant other happy and to build a joint agenda for life.  If the woman loves flowers, give her some once in a while.  Let her know that her happiness is worth the $10 for a bundle of grocery store blooms.  I promise that the returns will far outweigh the cost of a few flowers that will eventually die.

Be selfless in your relationships but when the other person is selfish (and it can be seen so clearly and simply in gift giving), then see the red flag and wave your white one.  Get out of there!

Red Flag #3: Profile Problems

Online dating isn't something I'm shy to admit, ashamed of trying or particularly proud of either.  I've tried several sites and methods of meeting guys online.  Let's face it, meeting people isn't easy and trying something else to meet nice guys... well, sure!! Not to mention that I got sucked into the idea I would be able to sift through all the yuck because I assumed that people paying to be part of certain dating sites would list truthful information like I was.  Hm... well, smack me and call me an idiot!  That's just not the way it works.  Whether people paid for membership or not, it didn't seem to matter, people put what they wanted on their sites.

My red flag for this post is all about profiles and the "truth" that is listed there.  Once I dated a man who had one birthdate listed on his online dating profile, a different one on his Skype account and yet another one on his social media site.  Hm.... and he couldn't understand why this raised a red flag for me and caused me to question his honesty.

So while I think that online dating is a great way to go, just be careful out there friends.  Don't worry about asking lots of questions and seeing if what they said online is true.  Don't be a psycho detective but treat a first date like a first date and don't think you know anything about a person just because you've chatted online or seen their profile.  And if their profile doesn't add up, pay attention to the red flag and walk away.  Honesty is what you want and deserve!

Red Flag #2: Man-caving

Hi there readers!  It's time for this week's installment of our series on relationship red flags.  If I sound all chipper, it's because I got my hair done yesterday and that's always a bit of a boost.  I'm a simple girl, I know! ;)

Okay, this week I want to talk about a bit of a sensitive subject to me: man-caving.  First off, let me explain what man-caving is:  it's when your man retreats to a space by himself for whatever length of time.  This isn't inherently a bad thing.  In fact, it's a good thing for both parties in a relationship to have spaces of their own.  Just like it's important for both parties to have their own hobbies independent of each other and their own group of friends who aren't completely intertwined.  So, men, don't get your boxer-briefs in a knot, having a man-cave is a great thing!

When man-caving becomes a problem is when it becomes a frequently occurring event without informing the other party.  Let me give you a personal example from a past relationship of mine:

In one of my more serious relationships, I dated a man who had some issues in his past.  They weren't bad things at all, just the baggage of life lived and he was working through those on his own.  Sure, we'd talk about things and I felt like I was never in the dark about his previous relationships or issues.  I felt like he was very honest with me in that respect and I respected him a great deal for it.  It was very "adult:" the types of conversations we had and I felt completely secure and comfortable.

We got to one particular point in our relationship (it was quite early on but things had been intense from day one and serious from about day three it seemed) though that rocked me pretty hard.  I remember us having one of our "adult" conversations and myself thinking things were fine.  Then I didn't hear from him the next day (which was unusual because I normally got text messages or emails at the beginning and end of every day saying good morning or good night and telling me about his day), or the next. I chalked it up to a busy work week for him and shrugged it off, until it went on for nearly 2 weeks.  He didn't answer my calls, texts or emails.  Then one day he called out of the blue (my heart was at the point of breaking and I had basically tossed in the towel) and apologised, stating that he had been man-caving after our last conversation.  He said that something in that conversation struck a chord with him and he needed to ruminate on it for a time.  I nearly lost my mind and then calmed myself down and said that it was okay but just to let me know because I went through a lot of emotions and fear in those 2 weeks.  He apologised again and we spent a lovely weekend in a lovely bubble of cuddles. Until it happened again and again over the course of two years.

It's a red flag, friends, when the person you are with holds back emotions that pertain to YOUR relationship and disappears off the radar for undetermined amounts of time without warning to think about things.

Relationships need trust and honesty, but they also need communication that is open and honest.  If you need time to yourself to think about things, tell your partner, let them know that you are struggling with something and that you need to think things over.  One of my friends (hope she won't be mad at me for sharing this) did just that with a pretty serious decision with her partner.  She is a grounded person who likes to think things through and pray them through to be sure.  So in her situation (see how vague I'm being?!), instead of hopping up and down and leaping forward, she stood still and told her partner that she needed time to think about their relationship.  She gave a specific amount of time, asked her friends and family to respect the solitude and she prayed and thought about what should happen.  Her partner knew where she was, what she was doing and about how long they'd have to wait to discuss the issue again.  The partner then also had time to collect their thoughts about it.  It was like a gift to them both and that's a beautiful thing.  My friend communicated her need to woman-cave, said how long she thought she'd need and was open and honest about it with her partner.  I didn't know it then, but she set the example for what man or woman-caving should look like.  If your partner disappears for a length of time to think about things but doesn't alert you or include you somehow, it's a red flag that you should discuss.

Relationship Red Flags #1: Kids

Here we go, faithful readers... the first in our series about relationship red flags.  Let me re-iterate that these come from my personal experiences and aren't meant as an attack on my exes or to make judgement about people's choices.  Instead, they are things I wish I'd paid closer attention to in my previous relationships so I would have known when to get out.
For exes that might read this and know the situations pertains to our past, please forgive me and know that I'm not posting specifics that would "out" you to anyone unless they know that this is you... and that would come from your own telling, not mine. I bear no ill will towards these guys... they had their reasons and I can respect that.  However, I should have removed myself from the relationship when this red flag flew.

Okay... with the little disclaimer out of the way, here we go on this week's entry into red flags.

I love kids, I'm a teacher for crying out loud.  I've spent the last 15 years of my life dedicated to teaching and loving children so that they can make positive changes in the world.  I've done 7 years of education that centres around kids and anyone who knows me can't deny how passionate I am about kids and how much I love them.  With that said, I'm not much of a baby person and am not entirely sold on birthing my own children, ever.  But dating guys with kids is not an issue for me.  I have no problem being in that situation because I do love kids and I want to have them in my life in some capacity or other.  So with that said, when I start seeing a guy and he let's me know he has kids, I do my best to put his mind at ease and embrace the fact (truth is, it's the best situation for me... kids without giving birth!!).
However, there have been 3 specific dating incidents where kids were either not mentioned at all or I was not mentioned at all to the kids. Let's explore that:

1. I was just beginning a bizarre kind of long distance thing with one man and he failed to mention that he had children.  Things in the "reationship" fell apart for other reasons but we were able to maintain a friendship out of it all.  Flash forward to the present when (and this is several years later) I find out for the first time that he has children.  Imagine my surprise... it wasn't part of our this-is-everything-about-me conversations.  Being who I am, I questioned him and he said that he was scared to mention it because he thought it would drive a potential girlfriend away.  Fair enough, but what really drives us away is lies.  Men/Women... if you have kids, be PROUD!  Own up, tell the prospective daters... it doesn't mean they have to meet them tomorrow or be part of their lives while you figure out where things are, but it just let's that other person know that you have priorities that are more than a job etc.  So it's a red flag when a guy doesn't tell you he has kids at all.

2. The second situation was much simpler.  The man was honest and up front even before our first date that he had children and he talked about them all the time.  Perhaps the fact that after date one we never really had traditional dates etc is why he felt that besides filling me with tales of his glorious off-spring and seeking advice even, he never had the need to introduce me.  Granted things were still in a semi-causal state and I can't be too upset but I felt like it was a red flag because they were part of our every conversation but I know I wasn't part of his with them in any way.

3. This situation was much more complicated.  In this situation, I knew very early on that there were children in his life and I respected that.  I respected that I wouldn't meet them right away because we had talked about it and how he felt the need to protect them from growing attached to someone who may or may not be in his life for the long term.  I thought at the time how wise it was of him to think of his kids that way... but when the relationship became very serious, I expected to be gradually introduced and was not.  He even left the room when his kids called so I couldn't hear the conversations and so they wouldn't hear me at his house.  I had patience, gave way to his wishes because I was in love and had a hope for the future... I had verbal confirmation that this relationship was going to be for longer than a minute and not much less than forever.  So when I found out that after a long term his kids still knew nothing about me, or that they had been told that we were just friends, all my alarm bells went off.  Did I pay attention?  Nope.  But it was a huge red flag that a hugely important part of my partners life was off-limits to me.  I should have heeded the alarms and high-tailed it out of there but I didn't.  So if your partner keeps an important part of their life secret from you or you a secret to that part of their life, HUGE RED FLAG.... RUN!  I know he had his reasons and I'm sure he had doubts he wasn't willing to fully pay attention to at the time but it still wasn't right.

All in all, if the person you date denies their children or, after your relationship takes a serious turn, denies you to their children... GET OUT OF THERE!  If there is no honesty with something as important as the lives of precious little (or even teen/big) people, there certainly are other, "lesser" areas that they are also being dishonest about and there goes the trust.  If you don't have trust and honesty, what do you really have?