Perfect? Is There Such a Thing?

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

Being perfect just isn't reality... not in relationships, not in love, not in school, not in sleep, not in physical being, not in emotional well-being... not in anyway. There is NO "perfect" and I wish more of us could come to grips with it.

Today, I saw this post as part of a blog I now subscribe to via my Facebook account: Single Dad Laughing. I know it seems odd for a single, childless woman to read a blog by a single dad, but it's not all about parenting. It's about life, about how perfection is like a disease and that is ruins us. My friend posted one of his posts and I read it and felt shaken to my core: "Perfection" Read it... and be REAL for a change... follow the quote above... give up on being perfect and try to just be yourself!

*sigh*

I don't know what else to title this entry. It's been a long time since I reflected on my dating life, but here I am doing it. I was actually thinking about it last night as two guys that I don't know well (I met them online and we just chat) were working hard to convince me that they were the ones I needed to date. And I began to think about it (things with the Turkish guy have fizzled out to nothing... which is fine, I'm not actually upset about it). I thought about why they may or may not be good candidates for me. And they ended up not being what I need or want in my life and that's okay by me too (not them apparently as they both spent over 30+ minutes trying to convince me that distance is nothing.... one lives in London and the other in the US... and that there are a myriad of reasons why I should give them a try). But I will be honest... I'm jaded. I don't want to do long distance or any distance anymore at the start of a relationship. It's too hard and it makes things move at unnatural speeds. Would I be opposed to trying distance if a strong relationship that was marriage minded developed and then needed distance due to careers for a specific period of time? No... I'd give it a try... but I don't want to start at a distance...
Well, then I got to thinking about why I was still choosing these emotionally unavailable men and why I was so emotionally unavailable and while I still don't have an answer, I feel like there is a lot of work that needs to be done within before I can look for love from without. It makes me sad that at 35 I've wasted so much time thinking that I wasn't the issue or that it could be fixed with something quick and easy. I'm sad that I feel like opportunity has passed me by... I'm sad that I feel like I'm almost locked into a life of loneliness (although, I am pretty sure it is the PMS talking at this moment)... I'm just sad about the whole thing and I am wishing that my girls were nearby for a night with some wine, some tears, some laughs and a feeling like the weight that is heavy on my shoulders was lifted even for a little bit.
When I set out to write this blog, I did it because I needed an outlet for my fears, my funny single stories and my honest, raw feelings. I had hoped that it would be a short term way to deal with a heavy heartache but it's turning into something a little more long term. I'm full of regrets over how I've "dealt" with the heartache... I don't think I have. I think I've buried it in hopes that it would disappear or just heal on it's own. I just have a lot of work to do on just me...
And with that in mind, I am taking myself off the dating market for a time. I just need time to get things right within me... I hope that if Mr. Right stumbles into me during this time, he has the patience to be my friend and wait until I'm ready to accept and seek love from without... I'm ready to love, but being loved has to come from myself first and I haven't really allowed that properly in a long time.

The Kisses We Love to Hate...

Today I was killing a little time and having a great conversation with a good friend that ended up on the topic of kisses that were good or that were bad. Of course, plenty of giggles later, the topic of worst kisses became much more popular to discuss. I know people have said it before but, guys, kissing is IMPORTANT!! A kiss can be the difference between a woman wanting more or shutting the door so here are some kisses we love to hate:

*The Smash - you know, the one where the guy goes in full tilt with lips pressed too hard over teeth and proceeds to mash his hard mouth on yours... leaving it bruise and your teeth feeling like you've had a close encounter with a fist.

*The Suck - a little suction in a kiss is a good thing, but feeling like your dinner is being hoovered from your stomach is not. Ease up, fellas!

*The Sloppy - nobody likes a dry kiss but you also don't want to feel like the family hound has decided to bath you. It's just gross...

*The Spin - this one always cracks me up because it seems like guys who kiss like this thought that a b-rated bad romance movie was going to make them better kissers. You know how it is... he leans in for the kiss, applies some pressure or too much pressure and then continuously rotates his head... sure, he doesn't exactly spin, but you feel like he's winding you up to or himself... who knows?!

*The Guppy - this one also leaves me wondering where the guy learned it... he goes in for the kiss, makes lip contact and then just opens and closes his lips in a guppy-fish motion... bizarre.

From this list you'd think that all I'd ever had were bad kisses but really, I've had loads of make-you-weak-in-the-knees kisses and just a few bad ones. The inspiration for this entry came out of a conversation so we shared about those kisses we love to hate. Got more to add to the list? Please do!!

Perfect People or Perfect Love?

Is there such a thing? Who knows... but I was inspired by a quote that a friend posted to their Facebook wall today:

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.|~ Sam Keen

I think it is so easy to get wrapped into the Hollywood ideal of the perfect person or THE ONE, but reality is just so different. Perfect people do not exist, we all know this and yet we search and search for the perfect person for ourselves. Why? Why do we cause ourselves the heart-ache and the trauma of thinking we found it only to be disappointed. I love this quote because it reminds us that people aren't perfect and that in searching for love, looking for perfection just isn't reality. Instead, we need to look at that person... see them for who they are, who they are NOT and who they have the potential to be and in seeing that and accepting it, we see them perfectly.

Dating...

So this chronically single chick is dating... I've been seeing someone for a couple of weeks now. Unfortunately (or fortunately... not sure yet, it's still early), he lives about 8 hours away so the bulk of the relationship consists of skype conversations and chats. But maybe that's good because we can really take some time to get to know each other. He is Turkish, so that can be interesting at times... although he seems to be very open-minded and globally aware. So look for dating updates in the near future... just didn't want everyone to think I'd dropped off the face of the earth!!

Questions

As I am beginning to really look at and evaluate this life I am leading and what I want from it, I'm coming to a place of questions. I think I want to find that person to love for the rest of my life... my heart is so big and so full of love that keeping it to myself just doesn't seem like a possibility... but at the same time, I sometimes think that this isn't the life for me. I'm not trying to put out negative vibes or anything but I like my life... I like it A LOT! I like being able to come and go as I please. I like being able to make choices and not wondering or worrying if someone else can fit into them. I like being in charge of all my decisions. I like being in control of my finances and my home. I like being the one who decides what happens and when. I like not answering to anyone but God and myself... and I like not asking anyone for their opinions or thoughts or input unless that is my choice. As much as society seems to want me to marry and have kids and settle into one place, I am not sure that is who I am or what I want.
I used to think that I wanted nothing more than a house and a yard and a car and a dog and a cat and all that domestic happiness.... but now I don't know. I can't bear the thought of mowing the lawn or raking the leaves... I don't want to fix the water pipes or worry about the roofing... I don't want to plant a garden or trim the hedges.... I don't want to worry about property taxes or finding a renter if I want to move. I don't know if I'll love this single life forever (probably not.... I'm a pretty changeable person), but for right now... I do love it. Maybe it's selfish, but I don't know if I ever want to really share my life with someone else... or maybe it's fear talking... I don't know. I haven't figured that out...

Lessons Learned

I think I've finally begun to learn some lessons about being single and attracting the kind of man you truly want to have in your life. And since I am all about sharing, I thought I'd share what I've been learning.

1. The first lesson I've been learning is that you can create the person you want to be... you are in charge of you. If you want to be an intelligent woman, you can be... if you want to be strong, you can be... You can be the woman that you want to be... you just need to find out what kind of woman you respect most and then find ways to be like her. This isn't a burying of who you are, but a reawakening to the woman that lives deep in your soul.

2. The second lesson I learned is that you don't have to be finished growing into the woman you want to be in order to find the love or person that you want in your life. If you are becoming the woman you want to be, then the person who is attracted to that woman will begin to gravitate towards you.

3. The third and hardest lesson I am learning still is that in order to really draw in the kind of person that you want to love and that wants to love the person that lives deep in the soul of you, you need to see yourself as you want them to see you. Do you want them to see you as strong, beautiful, intelligent, funny, independent etc? Then start seeing yourself that way. Start seeing that you ARE those things and more! It's hard to look in the mirror and in the soul, knowing of all the mistakes you've made and the things that are flawed and yet see that woman that your partner sees... but if you can, even for a millisecond.... well, then you are well on your way to being that woman and attracting the partner you want and deserve.

Have I finished learning all these lessons? NO!! I'm on the journey of learning and applying the lessons though.