Perfect People or Perfect Love?

Is there such a thing? Who knows... but I was inspired by a quote that a friend posted to their Facebook wall today:

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.|~ Sam Keen

I think it is so easy to get wrapped into the Hollywood ideal of the perfect person or THE ONE, but reality is just so different. Perfect people do not exist, we all know this and yet we search and search for the perfect person for ourselves. Why? Why do we cause ourselves the heart-ache and the trauma of thinking we found it only to be disappointed. I love this quote because it reminds us that people aren't perfect and that in searching for love, looking for perfection just isn't reality. Instead, we need to look at that person... see them for who they are, who they are NOT and who they have the potential to be and in seeing that and accepting it, we see them perfectly.

Dating...

So this chronically single chick is dating... I've been seeing someone for a couple of weeks now. Unfortunately (or fortunately... not sure yet, it's still early), he lives about 8 hours away so the bulk of the relationship consists of skype conversations and chats. But maybe that's good because we can really take some time to get to know each other. He is Turkish, so that can be interesting at times... although he seems to be very open-minded and globally aware. So look for dating updates in the near future... just didn't want everyone to think I'd dropped off the face of the earth!!

Questions

As I am beginning to really look at and evaluate this life I am leading and what I want from it, I'm coming to a place of questions. I think I want to find that person to love for the rest of my life... my heart is so big and so full of love that keeping it to myself just doesn't seem like a possibility... but at the same time, I sometimes think that this isn't the life for me. I'm not trying to put out negative vibes or anything but I like my life... I like it A LOT! I like being able to come and go as I please. I like being able to make choices and not wondering or worrying if someone else can fit into them. I like being in charge of all my decisions. I like being in control of my finances and my home. I like being the one who decides what happens and when. I like not answering to anyone but God and myself... and I like not asking anyone for their opinions or thoughts or input unless that is my choice. As much as society seems to want me to marry and have kids and settle into one place, I am not sure that is who I am or what I want.
I used to think that I wanted nothing more than a house and a yard and a car and a dog and a cat and all that domestic happiness.... but now I don't know. I can't bear the thought of mowing the lawn or raking the leaves... I don't want to fix the water pipes or worry about the roofing... I don't want to plant a garden or trim the hedges.... I don't want to worry about property taxes or finding a renter if I want to move. I don't know if I'll love this single life forever (probably not.... I'm a pretty changeable person), but for right now... I do love it. Maybe it's selfish, but I don't know if I ever want to really share my life with someone else... or maybe it's fear talking... I don't know. I haven't figured that out...

Lessons Learned

I think I've finally begun to learn some lessons about being single and attracting the kind of man you truly want to have in your life. And since I am all about sharing, I thought I'd share what I've been learning.

1. The first lesson I've been learning is that you can create the person you want to be... you are in charge of you. If you want to be an intelligent woman, you can be... if you want to be strong, you can be... You can be the woman that you want to be... you just need to find out what kind of woman you respect most and then find ways to be like her. This isn't a burying of who you are, but a reawakening to the woman that lives deep in your soul.

2. The second lesson I learned is that you don't have to be finished growing into the woman you want to be in order to find the love or person that you want in your life. If you are becoming the woman you want to be, then the person who is attracted to that woman will begin to gravitate towards you.

3. The third and hardest lesson I am learning still is that in order to really draw in the kind of person that you want to love and that wants to love the person that lives deep in the soul of you, you need to see yourself as you want them to see you. Do you want them to see you as strong, beautiful, intelligent, funny, independent etc? Then start seeing yourself that way. Start seeing that you ARE those things and more! It's hard to look in the mirror and in the soul, knowing of all the mistakes you've made and the things that are flawed and yet see that woman that your partner sees... but if you can, even for a millisecond.... well, then you are well on your way to being that woman and attracting the partner you want and deserve.

Have I finished learning all these lessons? NO!! I'm on the journey of learning and applying the lessons though.

Married Men...

No, no... don't get the wrong idea. I have not crossed to the other side of evil in my desire to find a man of my own. But in the international circuit it is harder than it looks to know who is married and who is not. I'm a fairly honest and straight forward person and I think I expect that because I am, others must be too. I don't think it's exceptional or extraordinary to be honest and forthright. But apparently it is becoming more and more that way.
The other night when I was out, I was chatting with some people (yes, men were included in this) and I found one of them to be particularly attractive. We hit it off, had a nice conversation and even exchanged numbers. Now, I felt like I had done due diligence by checking for a ring and by watching his behaviour etc throughout the evening. He paid special attention to me, had no ring and behaved as though he were single. I came to find out later that he was among those that call themselves "temporarily divorced" for the evening, the week, the weekend or whatever time period they choose. When asked, he did honestly admit to being married, but still wanted to date me!!! hahahaha As I said earlier, I have not crossed over to the other side of evil and I let him know in no uncertain terms that this wasn't something I wanted. He went on to explain that his marriage was all but over, but I held my ground and said no. He then asked if we could be friends, to which I also gave a negative answer. He'd misrepresented himself to me in the times we had chatted (we had been texting after we met... no, not sexting and had met for a second time) and I just wasn't interested in getting involved in that, regardless of where he thought his marriage was going or not going.
My advice to the single folk out there? ASK... ask if they are married, engaged or in any kind of relationship. I know they can lie, but at least you will have asked... and then... OBSERVE/LISTEN.... keep your eyes and ears peeled for any behaviour that just doesn't sit right.
My advice to the married folk? Time for some honest conversations with your spouse... time to revisit the expectations you have for each other in social settings. Time to investigate (not like a crazy spy or the Cheaters people.... unless you think you need Cheaters to do a show on your significant other) each other's feelings and make sure that honesty in paramount for both of you.

I know I've learned a valuable lesson (don't worry... nothing bad happened) and that is to make sure to ask and to ask around before exchanging numbers etc. Dating is hard when you are young, but chances are that most acting single folk are single... in my mid 30s I'm beginning to realize that most acting single folk are just acting... sad, but true.

Dealing with Trolls

First off... let me define what I think a troll is... a troll CAN be someone who is short and unattractive in a physical way, but it could also be someone who is just dirty. And by dirty I mean that guy who undresses you with his eyes and a sneer on his lips... you know the one ladies, the one that makes your flesh crawl. We've all had a troll approach us at one time or another.

Last night I was out with a few of the girls and we were just having a great time. We went from place to place and there was loads of live music going on and the bands were really hitting their stride. My friends and I all looked gorgeous (we decided to dress up a little... makes you feel pretty and then you just are pretty) and were getting quite a lot of attention from the gentlemen in the places we went. It was nice (as getting attention can be), but trolls were lurking. I think that the night club or pub or bar is a natural habitat for the troll-man so you just can't avoid them, but you can deal with them... Anyway, last night my friends and I were having a fantastic time and dancing up a storm. One such troll approached as we were all sharing a table in a very crowded place (not just with him but with a large group of people). He started off being nice but the leer and sneer were already there and my skin was beginning to crawl. I tried to be nice and keep him at a distance but when I was dancing with friends he did the typical troll move and tried to grab me (first of all... I'm not there for a massage or rub down, I am there to be with my friends and to dance and laugh.... second... I'd been clear that I was not attracted to him at all). Now this grab-happy action crosses a line, so I had to get the mean girl that lives within to come out. It was pure comedy, the look on his face as I brushed away his hands, got my teacher face on and shook my finger in his face....
So that is one way to deal with a troll... the blatant and physical brush off. Can't mistake the message there. And the guy wasn't overly aggressive, so it wasn't a big deal. Now, troll two of the evening was of the other sort... aggressive and just drunk (sloppy drunk is just never attractive, EVER). In dealing with him, I was more passive... he took my cell phone out of my hands and saved his number.... I just allowed it to happen and then loaded a fake number in his phone with all kinds of excuses as to why my phone shows up private when calling people so I couldn't just call him to have the number saved to his phone... then I wandered away on the pretense that my poor feet hurt and I needed to park my rear on a stool next to some cute, funny and nice guys. This was more of the passive, mental brush off. It was clear to him that I wasn't interested because he didn't speak to me once after that. :)
Ladies... there will always be trolls... keep them at arm's length and do your best to brush them off as soon as the skin starts crawling!! ;)

And then there were none....

Do you ever notice how your life goes in a cyclic motion? You spiral up and then down over and over again? I know that mine does and right now I seem to be caught between both the ups and downs of my spiral. In one sense, I feel like I am spiraling up because I am learning so much about myself and growing myself into the woman I know I want to be. I feel like my spirit is gaining wings and my soul is opening to love. But on the other hand, I feel like I am spiraling downwards too. A few months back I had NUMEROUS prospects. Men were seeking me out, contacting me, flirting all the time, asking me out and generally lifting that part of my spirit. Slowly but surely each one has dropped off in the last few weeks. They've either stopped calling or emailing (which is actually fine because none of them were men that I wanted long term relationships with) or disappeared from my view (which is also good because it keeps me from getting distracted from my goal - to find my future husband), and I just haven't attracted much attention from men lately. It's okay, I don't feel like suddenly I'm less attractive or taking backward steps or anything... I guess I just miss the attention. Isn't that awful?! ;) There you go, men of the world... I'm admitting it... we women LOVE, NEED and CRAVE male attention, or just attention in general.
So a few months back I was getting more than my fair share of male attention and lately it's been a downward spiral towards NO attention. Now, please don't think that this entry is a self-pitying look at why or how I am not getting this attention... it's simply an observation and reflection. As I said, I'm also on an upward spiral in my life right now that is so much more important to me and will eventually bring about the kind of attention that I crave for a lifetime. So, even though there are none at the moment... I'm actually happy about it. I'm happy to wait and grow myself first... that way, when the attention comes, not only will I be ready, but I will be able to discern what is the right attention for me! Life is good!