35

Yup, that's right... I am 35 today... the big 3-5. Actually, it's not that big of a deal to me. I absolutely LOVED turning 30 and 35 seems a non-issue except that I am in the middle of my 30s and I don't have all that much to show for it on the personal front... Although, I do have a masters degree, a great job and more travel/life experience than the average joe. I wonder why success in those arenas of life amounts to a hill of beans if your personal life isn't successful? Is it because you have no one to share the successes with? I don't know, I have some of the best friends and family in the business of being friends and family... so it can't be that. They are incredible at sharing my life victories and shouldering my life failures with me... So what is it? Why at 35 do I feel like less of an adult and more of a failure than I did in my 20s even though I have more worldly successes under my belt?

Fighting Me

It's been a while since I've sat down and contemplated my struggle with relationships. During my struggles, I felt like I was alone and the only one. It was only through the therapy of writing this blog that I've seen how many other women in their thirties and beyond struggle like I do. I've been blessed to know that I am not alone. I've had the opportunity to talk with some of these women online, in my comments section, on the phone or in person. It's helped to heal my soul and I hope that this blog can do that for them as well. Today, a VERY good friend of mine began to tell me of her recent relationship struggle and my heart literally began to hurt for her. She and I are a lot alike when it comes to relationships and our shortcomings in them. I began to think about it and looked back through some poems that I wrote and one of them struck me. I am not a good writer by any means, but sometimes the words come how they do and I feel compelled to write them down. Anyway, this poem seems to sum up what happens to me in the world of romance and sometimes to my friend too. It's dedicated to her:

Fighting Me

Shadow-boxing in my heart,
Fighting unseen foes.
Deciding who is right or wrong,
Not realizing it is neither.
Searching for a way
Out of the ring.
Wanting to jump the ropes,
But getting tangled instead.
Turning back to the fight
Covered in the sweat of fear.
Flailing at the air
Fighting only myself.

<3 you LG. Hope we can both stop fighting ourselves and allow things to happen the way that they should.

Revelation

So, as many of you know, I've had a lot of ups and downs in my dating life lately. I've been using this blog as a way to journal about them, talk about what's going on in my life, reflect on who I am becoming and seek advice from readers (even from strangers... zabe gives good solid advice and encouragement and I don't even know her!!). Lately, I've been so busy adjusting to my new life in Ankara, I just haven't had much time to think about romance etc. Nor have I wanted to. I've been so happy just living my life, laughing out loud often and learning about this place, the people and the language that dwelling on romance has taken a back seat. I never really thought about it until today when I was looking at Will's FB page. I love that we are reconnected as friends and that I can look to his page to find his sage words about God and following the good example set by Jesus. I love seeing his passion for life in general. What I noticed today is that I just felt happy looking at his updates. Previously I had felt a sense of loss because of a failed romance. But today, I just felt happy, happy for him and happy for knowing him as a person. I don't know if it means I am over him or if it means that we will never be or what... but I do know that it felt like a revelation. Gone was the sadness and sense of loss, gone was the longing to be with him. It was replaced with just the simple feeling of happiness and a lot can be said for that feeling. As for my other exes, no, they don't even enter my mind at all... which I feel is a blessing. Seems like Ankara was a good move for me, it's given me the space I so desperately needed to get my head on straight again and to work on being the person I was meant to be all along... a happy, confident, caring soul that shines a bright light onto the world.

Single?

Now that I am back in the international scene I'm happier than I ever was in the US. I don't feel like a social dunce for being single at nearly 35 here. Lots of people are my age, just younger, older and so on and are single. International teachers and workers just seem less stressed about timelines for romance than people who are settled in North America. Do I still want to get married some day, for sure!! I absolutely do, but here I don't feel rushed. I feel like my life is meant to be enjoyed and in service to others... and that's a good place to be.

More of Me

Part of knowing yourself is knowing who you come from... I've been taking time to research and find out about that using www.ancestry.ca and I've also been looking at the family that surrounds me. I am so proud of who and where I come from.


My parents are these amazing, strong, kind and good people. They've taught me to stand up for who I am, to laugh at myself from time to time and to strive for the things that I want because I am worth it. They've given me support and love and made me so grateful for who they are. My mother is literally my hero in so many ways. This woman has been through pain that I cannot understand (nor would I want to) and has always emerged stronger, better and more determined. She has a good ear for my issues and has a better mind for sound advice. When I grow up, I hope I can be a little like her (I know, at 34 I should be a grown-up right? So why is it that I still feel like a kid in so many ways?). My dad is my daddy... he is the person that reminds me that I matter. He lets me know that I am the only one just like me and that I am worth taking care of. One day I hope to find a man with the strength of character and positive nature of my father, and when I do, I hope I marry that man.



My extended family... well, let's just saw they are incredible!! They make me laugh more than anyone, they challenge me to think and be better and they support me through good times and bad.


Yes... I am proud of who and where I come from and I know that they are part of what makes me who I am. Learning to be more centered in that will hopefully lead me in the direction of the one person who will love that and me for the lifetime that God has set before me. That's my prayer and my home.

Wisdom from the Magazine Pages

I saw this in a magazine spread with Penelope Cruz... it's her quote and I like it. I think I've spent too much time looking at myself from other people's point of view and only two matter... my own and my God's. Bliss is knowing this!

Knowing Me...

Knowing You... ah ha... (sorry, I just had to go there. I heart ABBA).

Actually, today I was talking to a guy I went out with a little bit and then ended up being better as friends with (I know... never end a sentence like that, but I'm at a loss how to end it, so deal). We were talking about what was new in our lives and all that jazz and as I told him about my single life, I began to realize that I'm happy. I am very happy knowing who I am. I've struggled so much in my past and I've tried so hard to be who the men I've dated wanted me to be that I lost myself along the way. This isn't a new revelation, but it never ceases to amaze me how great it is to come back into my own.

Who am I you ask? Well... I am a tall (5'10"), curvy, pretty (I have good skin... can't help but be pretty with good skin, right?!), funny, smart, overly nosy, caring, loving, God fearing and adoring, analytical (sometimes a little too analytical) woman who believes in her God and herself. I know that good things are coming my way, I know that blessing are made for me already, I know that love is out there for me and that happiness is there too. I don't have to wonder about those things. I also know that dark days will be ahead too and that a testing of my faith and emotional strength is on the horizon... but I'm not afraid (after Kelvin I was terrified to let myself love again or to be vulnerable to love... I couldn't risk being hurt again), I know I can survive the hurt.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that and that I am liking getting to know me!