Be BOLD!!!!

Something I am not is timid. I don't have it in me to sit back and let life pass me by. I am not a passive person (although I've learned to be passive aggressive in relationships - especially the past serious one, because I was so afraid to say what I meant for fear that it would drive him off, hahahaha). I don't like confrontation but I don't fear it either. The reason I say all these things is because when I get into a relationship or when I date a guy or when I even meet a guy who really interests me, I lose that part of myself. I become the ultimate pleaser. All I want to do at that point is make sure that the other person is happy, even if it is at my expense. And I don't know where I got that from, my parents aren't like that... I don't see that in all the relationships around me. Instead I see a healthy respect for the other person's wants and needs. I see give and take, I see love in the reality of both people being who they are entirely. I like that. And so, I've decided to be who I am always and if the person I meet, date or am in a relationship with can't handle it or doesn't like it... so be it!
Now, I know this sounds silly, but the way I expressed this return to self was while I was away at a professional development conference. I was myself the entire time, it was wonderful. One night, my colleague and I went out for dinner and the VERY attractive waiter was very flirtatious (which is also part of my nature, so I flirted right back). I was having a ball, making good eye contact, laughing, joking and just generally having a good time. I also caught him looking at me a time or two and so on. So, in my bold nature, I decided to leave him a little note with the cheque and my number. My co-worker (who is younger and shyer) was shocked and a little appalled, but I did it anyway. And wouldn't you know, he texted me the very next day with a very flattering text and to respectfully let me know that he was currently seeing someone else. I told him that I appreciated both the compliment and the respect he was giving his lady... it was great! I knew the attraction was real and he respected me and his lady enough to be sweet and honest. See... being my BOLD self, has it's benefits!

The Young 'un

So I finally met with the significantly younger man. He was respectful, funny, kind, sweet and very handsome. AND in a totally different place in life than I am (which is fine). It was really great to spend time with him and I do hope to see him again, but won't worry if I don't. Finally, I'm not automatically attached to the guys that I see. It's hard for me because I tend to feel connected to people and I want to keep the connection live and popping, but a lot of times it just isn't right and I need to be okay with going with the flow instead of trying to push the flow in the directions I think it should go... and I think spending time with this younger man helped me to see that it's okay to just go with the flow and to take days as they come. So, thanks young'un.

Letting Go...

For the last two weeks at my church, they have been talking about how God wants to do a new thing in His people. Last week, I was really touched by the message that all things are possible for God and all we need to do is trust in that. I found myself realizing that I had stopped trusting in that. I had stopped believing that all things are possible for me because of the God that I believe in, I started believing that none of the things that I wanted for my life would be possible. But I got the kick in the tush that I needed when I didn't even know I needed it. I realized last week that having faith is such a small key to receiving the blessings that are out there for me. So, I've been working on that faith a little.
This week the message continued with the idea of letting go. It comes from the verse that talks about not putting new wine in old wine skins because they would burst, they can't handle the newness of it all. And the connection was that if we want God to do a new thing in us, we have to release the old, get rid of it, so that we can handle the newness. The pastor gave the analogy that you don't go into a car dealer and buy a new car and then demand that your old tires and muffler system from your old car be put on the new. There shouldn't be the old connected to the new, the old must be released. And so I am working on that in a more tangible way. I still have some of the gifts that Kelvin gave me during our relationship and I feel like having them around me keeps the old around so the new can't be allowed in. So in an effort to make room for the new things and people that God will bring into my life, I am getting rid of the old. I was even courteous enough to email Kelvin to see if he wanted some of the items (some he had expressed in the past that he loved and would have wanted for his own house). He replied with a short "no thanks and good luck to you." email, which was fine. At least I know that I took the high road and I can get rid of them without feeling guilty that I didn't first see if he wanted them. So I am getting rid of the old, a cleansing you might say... I am ready for the new that God has for me and I feel like I am making wonderful big steps forward... God is so good to me.

Mr. Right, Mr. Good Enough, Mr. Wrong

Okay... I think people have the wrong idea of what I want in a man. Yes, I made a man combo... aka the fantasy man. But seriously, could no one see that it was a lot tongue in cheek?! I love all the good things about the men of my past and I even loved some of the faults that they had. So I think that when I am searching for the next man in my life, I am not looking for Prince Charming. I am not so niave to think that that person exists, I know he doesn't. My only uncompromising things are that he is a Christian, that he is kind and that he makes me laugh. After that, all the rest is bonus. With my last boyfriend who turned out to be Mr. Wrong, I told him that I loved all of him: the man he was, the man he wasn't and the man he was striving to be. I accepted his faults as part of who he was and I took my faults to heart and worked hard to be a better person for him. I was hurt and humiliated by him but I often forgave him and moved forward with him, knowing that he wasn't perfect, but at the time I believe he was my Mr. Right. I was wrong and am still healing from that (so please forgive me for having a bit of a wall up still, I need to guard and protect my heart better than I do).
As for settling for Mr. Good Enough, I just can't. I mean, sure, I could... there is a Mr. Good Enough chasing me in my life right now, but he doesn't make me laugh, I feel no passion for him and mostly he just annoys me... so is that what I should take? Is that good enough for a life time?! I just don't know.
So forgive me readers and friends, but I am going to wait around for good enough, I am going to find Mr. Right (with all his faults, failings and successes).

Younger, Older, Same?

Here is the question I have been contemplating (among many others): Should age matter? My last boyfriend was 6 years older than me, but we had so much in common that it never seemed to be an issue for me (at one point his age became an issue for him - he got ready to hit the big 4 0 and was a little stressed by it). Before that I had dated some guys that were right around my age and that seemed fine as well. I also dated a couple of guys that were younger than me to varying degrees and sometimes it bothered me and sometimes it didn't. However, now I am in my mid-thirties and have been approached more frequently by younger guys and feel a little wary of it. So I am again seeking your thoughts on it all. Is there an age difference that is NOT acceptable (I understand that a teenager would be gross, but I mean what do you think a cut off should be... how many years younger or older?)? I am ready, open and excited to hear your arguments and preferences for age differences etc. I don't want to be an ageist in this new search for the ONE that is set aside for me... and as I was challenged by an anonymous reader (see the comments in my last post), I want to be sure I am keeping my eyes, heart and mind open so that I don't miss this guy because I am too busy making lists of what I want. Thanks anonymous reader... I love the honesty! :)

And the weeding continues...

So, I made this wonderful promise to myself to no longer be foolish in dating and (more importantly) to keep fools out of my dating life (and life in general for that matter), but being lonely, I wondered if I would fail the test when the time came or if I would be able to stand my ground. Well, the test came. I met a guy (online, is there any other way to meet someone these days?) and we chatted for a few hours. He came across smart and well put together. So then we started texting one another and I really enjoyed how he seemed to think of me and to text me all the time. He wanted a date this weekend and I said yes. I had told him that I was not interested in moving too fast or anything as that seemed to be a mistake of my past and he told me not to build walls... now, I didn't think it was a wall necessarily, just and honest admission and a hope to be more aware in the future... but maybe that's not the way it comes across, who knows?! So I let that go until last night. Here is the general idea of our text conversation:
Him: hey, what's up?
Me: not much...just wondering. (I have to tell you here that it was Friday night and he hadn't formalized any plans of any sort, nor had he sent any messages for a day or two... the latter not being much of an issue, but you get the idea)
Him: wondering what?
Me: wondering what's going on for the weekend.
Him: Me too, you got kinda quiet.
Me: I got quiet because you did... not gonna chase you down! hahaha
Him: Be sweet, never asked you to chase me... I detect a wall going up.
Me: why do you see walls where there are none?
Him: okay, just seems like you have a men are all dogs things going. I am not your other men, those were YOUR mistakes.
Me: wow, enough said.
Him:what?
Me: I don't really appreciate being insulted like that. I have nothing but respect for my past men... sure, mistakes were made, but on both sides.
Him: just saying.
Me: Maybe you are the one projecting, maybe your past women were man haters, but I'm not.
Him: no, they were lovers, loved me.
Me: good.
Him: smile, buddy.
Me:(silence.... I mean, really, what does one say to that?!)
Him: or not.
Me: I really don't know what to say to someone who insults me and doesn't even know me... someone who I was interested in having a date with.
Him: wasn't meant to insult, was meant to loosen you up a little.And your use of the past tense was makes me think you aren't interested anymore.
Me: if was anymore loosened up, I'd stop breathing! And I have lost interest. I don't like being insulted before I even meet a person.
Me (again): and to be honest, you should like me for me... it's simple. Whether I am high strung or laid back.
Him: nah, see now I lost interest.
Me: no worries, you were just one in the sea of many.
Him: lol
Me: just saying (and then I deleted him contact info from my phone)

So... how did I do, gang? My roomie was insulted on my behalf when I read her his messages and my responses last night. She said good riddance to bad rubbish (which I agree with). Did I pass one of the first tests of my promise to myself? I think so. Yah me!

Man Combo, Please!

You know those restaurants that you go into and they have the option to create your own combo meal? Well, I wish it was the same when you are selecting a partner for life. For the sake of fantasy, here is my order (and I have to say that it is based on the best qualities from past boyfriends and men that I dated):

My first kiss was so passionate and full of sweet surprise so that would surely be part of the combo. My first boyfriend was relentless in his desire to do nice things for me, so add that to the mix. Next, I'd like to add that the next boyfriend was sweet and giving, always by my side when I needed him, with face massages and gentle words, so please add that as well. Then there were a smattering of boys I dated and some of them were passionate, funny, giving, and entertaining... so I'd like to sprinkle that on my combo too. Then the last boyfriend was generous with his resources and prayers... so it's a must for my man combo. I must have a Christian man! And the one I've seen since then is tall, smart, ambitious, sexy and physically fit, so throw that in too!

Doesn't that seem like a good combo? *sigh* So if I could just combine the boyfriend ghosts of the past into one man, I'd have what I think I deserve. ;)