The Promise Ring

Okay, here it is. I finally found it and went to the store and got it today. This ring will remind me that I have sparkle (it is silver with diamonds) in my eyes and need sparkle in theirs. It will remind me that I am strong, that I am worth the very best in life... It will remind me to make better choices in the men that I date and to have my eyes open instead of blinded by "love." It will not come off my left ring finger until someone places one so much better, bigger and full of love and commitment on it.

Promise Ring for myself

Okay, so I've been keeping my eye out for this promise ring that I want to get myself but have had no luck so far. I don't want to get something that looks like an engagement ring or a wedding band, I just want something that is special and beautiful and reminds me of my worth.... too much to ask? I don't know. I will keep my eyes open to see if I can find it. I will post a picture of it up here once I do find it because I am determined to do this.

A Promise

I've decided to make a promise to myself this Valentine's Day. This day, as I've said before, is the worst day for me. It makes me feel more alone, more sad and more pathetic than ever. Every year, I have been disappointed this day. Even when I was in relationships and seemingly happy, I was disappointed. The men I have dated, think that Valentine's Day is a silly holiday not worth celebrating... which leads me to believe that the relationships I was in were not worth much to them. Because, to me anyway, it stands to reason that if you tell someone that you love them (as I was told) that on the day that celebrates love all around the world, that you would find a way to tell that person. It's not that I needed to have all the glittery things in life, but a card... shoot... even a text message. I'm not that hard to please, but I am a woman and I want to be cherished and recognized for the value that I have to the person that I am in a relationship with... and I don't want to have to ask for it... love isn't about begging to be shown that love... but I was made to beg for it. So this year, I'm taking a different path. This year, I am choosing to still hate this holiday for all the pain it's brought me but to love myself instead of waiting for love. I am buying myself a promise ring as a symbol of my promise to myself to never be gullible and foolhardy in a relationship again. I am usually so easily drawn in and trusting of men and I just can't be that anymore... so this ring will be a symbol of how I am WORTH it!

Valentine's

And here it is again, the month where love is celebrated. This is the month that always leaves me depressed. It's the longest month of the year to me (even though it is technically the shortest). It's not just that this month is about love, it's the fact that winter feels like it is just dragging on too long at this point. But, if I am honest with myself, the worst part is having to sit through all the lovey-dovey stuff. I am single, it's not easy, especially when most of my friends have significant others. In Korea, it never bothered me as much because I had loads of single friends and we'd have a group "date" that day or do something not related to the day. But here in the US, it's just awful. It's such a strong reminder of how alone I am here. My friends are lovely, but none of them are single and will be romancing the weekend away (not that I can blame them). *sigh*
Shouldn't this holiday be a celebration of ALL kinds of love? Why has it become a celebration of only romantic love?

The year of Butterfly Angela is off to a good start. I have lost 10 pounds and gained some confidence and sense of self. I've also decided to make the move to another country and kind of restart my life. I'm making choices over the next few months about what to take with me and what to leave behind... and I think that those decisions will also extend to emotional things too. I've been thinking of what to purge from my life in regards to emotional baggage so that I can go lightly into this new section of my life. I guess this is part of my transformation where I educate myself and begin to wrap my chrysalis around myself. I am so grateful for those of you (readers and friends) who are helping to make that chrysalis strong and durable... who are asking me the tough questions so that I am well prepared for this change. Stay tuned... more to come I am sure.

Leader or Follower?

For most of my life, I've been a follower. I've followed my parents and their rules... I've followed my teachers and their rules... I've followed my peers and their thoughts... I've followed my pastors and their ideals... I've followed my God and His love. But now I am making a little bit of a different choice in my life. I am going to be the leader in my life (well, I will still continue to follow God because I've never been led astray there).
Today in church, the pastor was talking about fear and the truth of what fear is. Sure, it's good (basic survival) to be fearful sometimes but to have fear in my life and to be afraid to lead my own life, I am choosing not to trust in God for my life and that isn't good.
One of the quotes that really spoke to me during the service was: "Most people don't lead their lives, they accept them." And it hit me like a nail on the head, I've just been accepting my life. I don't want to just accept it. Sure, I accept that there will be peaks and valleys in my life but I will not fear them. I will not simply stand by and accept life. I have the ability to choose and I choose to lead my life and to have love in my life, on my terms!

Butterflies

I've often thought that the life of a butterfly is beautiful. They turn from a sluggishly slow, hairy thing with too many legs and too many rolls into something that everyone regards as beautiful. Butterflies are symbols of freedom in many cultures. This year I've decided to make my butterfly year. Yes, I know it is the year of the Tiger, and maybe the inner tiger in me will shine too, but this year is the year of my butterfly.
This year, I will allow myself to transform into something beautiful. I know many of my friends will say that I am already beautiful... blah, blah, blah. I don't want to discount them or offend them by ignoring their words, but they aren't me... They don't see me in the mirror, only themselves. So this year, my goal is to allow myself to transform... to allow myself to enter a phase of chrysalis and then to emerge more beautiful and free than before.
Of course this means I have to go through my stage as a caterpillar too... and so that is how I begin my new year. I will slowly go, allowing my mind and soul to feed on things that will make me stronger. The trick is to keep moving forward. And then, when the time comes, I will enter my chrysalis... spinning my soft silk and hard walls around myself. And finally, I will emerge with new, colorful wings and I will be beautiful, not just to my good friends but to the world and most importantly, to myself.
Yes, this is the year of my butterfly.