The year of Butterfly Angela is off to a good start. I have lost 10 pounds and gained some confidence and sense of self. I've also decided to make the move to another country and kind of restart my life. I'm making choices over the next few months about what to take with me and what to leave behind... and I think that those decisions will also extend to emotional things too. I've been thinking of what to purge from my life in regards to emotional baggage so that I can go lightly into this new section of my life. I guess this is part of my transformation where I educate myself and begin to wrap my chrysalis around myself. I am so grateful for those of you (readers and friends) who are helping to make that chrysalis strong and durable... who are asking me the tough questions so that I am well prepared for this change. Stay tuned... more to come I am sure.

Leader or Follower?

For most of my life, I've been a follower. I've followed my parents and their rules... I've followed my teachers and their rules... I've followed my peers and their thoughts... I've followed my pastors and their ideals... I've followed my God and His love. But now I am making a little bit of a different choice in my life. I am going to be the leader in my life (well, I will still continue to follow God because I've never been led astray there).
Today in church, the pastor was talking about fear and the truth of what fear is. Sure, it's good (basic survival) to be fearful sometimes but to have fear in my life and to be afraid to lead my own life, I am choosing not to trust in God for my life and that isn't good.
One of the quotes that really spoke to me during the service was: "Most people don't lead their lives, they accept them." And it hit me like a nail on the head, I've just been accepting my life. I don't want to just accept it. Sure, I accept that there will be peaks and valleys in my life but I will not fear them. I will not simply stand by and accept life. I have the ability to choose and I choose to lead my life and to have love in my life, on my terms!

Butterflies

I've often thought that the life of a butterfly is beautiful. They turn from a sluggishly slow, hairy thing with too many legs and too many rolls into something that everyone regards as beautiful. Butterflies are symbols of freedom in many cultures. This year I've decided to make my butterfly year. Yes, I know it is the year of the Tiger, and maybe the inner tiger in me will shine too, but this year is the year of my butterfly.
This year, I will allow myself to transform into something beautiful. I know many of my friends will say that I am already beautiful... blah, blah, blah. I don't want to discount them or offend them by ignoring their words, but they aren't me... They don't see me in the mirror, only themselves. So this year, my goal is to allow myself to transform... to allow myself to enter a phase of chrysalis and then to emerge more beautiful and free than before.
Of course this means I have to go through my stage as a caterpillar too... and so that is how I begin my new year. I will slowly go, allowing my mind and soul to feed on things that will make me stronger. The trick is to keep moving forward. And then, when the time comes, I will enter my chrysalis... spinning my soft silk and hard walls around myself. And finally, I will emerge with new, colorful wings and I will be beautiful, not just to my good friends but to the world and most importantly, to myself.
Yes, this is the year of my butterfly.

Jewelry

Do the stores not realize the sin they commit with all these commercials?! From now until the spring, it is a bombardment of commercials for the memorable moments a diamond can bring. Now, the sap in me loves these commercials, but the semi-bitter (not really) single woman in me cringes when they come on. Do I really need the reminder that I am not getting an open heart diamond necklace this year? I mean come on Jane Seymour... no one needs this! What about all those kisses that start with Kay?! Do I need to know that I am not only not getting jewelry this season, but I am not getting kisses either!?
Of course, I say this all in jest, but partly it's true. As the holidays approached, I really struggled with being single this year and every time I saw one of those commercials come on, I felt a little sadder and a little more lonely. I know that they shouldn't have that effect... but they can if you are already feeling low. So all you other chronically single ladies out there (and even you married ones that feel annoyed by the constant push for diamonds for your neck, ears, fingers and wrists that you simply can't afford), enjoy the commercials for what they are... sappy, little moments of gushy, cheesy love! I can get behind that, even in a crappy mood!

See you in the New Year... who knows what 2010 will bring?!

Therapy

This blog has been so therapeutic for me to just write. I never think about who will read it, what they will think; in short, I have never written for an audience. But I see that I have one and there is a therapy in that too. I love logging in to my blogs and reading the comments. This blog has taught me more than the other two how blessed I am. I know I fight and buck against all this singleness in my life, but in my struggle I am blessed with friends and family who love me and even the odd anonymous commenter that offers encouragement and good, sound advice. Thanks for the therapy my friends! Who needs to pay a shrink!? Just write blogs people! haha

Wishes and Dreams...

...are just that and only that, wishes and dreams. Lately, I've really been struggling with the fact that my life is nothing like I wished or dreamed that it would be. This is the first holiday season alone without the one that I had thought I would spend my life with and it's one full of tears and mourning so far. I am not mourning the loss of him (for obviously he wasn't THE ONE) but instead I am mourning the loss of MY wishes and MY dreams.
I'm not your typically girly girl. I don't like pink all that much (sure, on a scarf, but a whole top... um... NO!!), I don't like frills and glitter. I like things that are simple and beautiful. I like reality. I've never dreamed of being a mommy like most women I know, but I have dreamed of being married and as you can tell from the title of this entire blog, I am not.
When I was a kid, I saw myself being married in my late twenties, but when I got there I just wasn't ready for that (not that I had any takers) and so I thought in my early thirties I'd find the one... and then I thought I did and I thought that wishes and dreams do come true. But those got tossed on the rocks this last summer and at 34, as I reflect on my life I see that so little has turned out like my wishes and dreams.
When I was little I wanted to write books that would touch people's lives and I wanted to help people. These were my dreams... and my wishes were to do that alongside someone who would love me and look at me the way my father does with my mother (they've been married 42 years!). But at 34, I look around and see that I do get to help people as I teach and that is a HUGE blessing, but that is where it ends. I do not write books that touch people's lives (I hope that my 3 blogs at least touch someone's life) and I am no one's helpmate, no one looks at me or loves me the way that my father does my mother and there is slim to no chance that I'll ever have the pleasure of loving someone for 42 years like they have.
So I've come to see that wishes and dreams are just fanciful things to fill your head with to pass the time... they are not reality for most of us and if they are for you then I am so happy for you... it's good to know that someone has that! :)

Holidays

The holidays just aren't the same this year. Last year and the year before I was with someone that made me feel like we were a little family just the two of us. We talked about our future and went crazy finding ways to please each other with gifts and acts of kindness, but this year I have no one... I know I have my own family and my own friends that I love more than I can express and I am thankful for them but it isn't the same feeling as those last two Christmases. It's very sad and I am trying to force myself to love the holidays this year, but can I just curl up in a big blanket and wish the holidays to pass this year?